Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Dunc's , Good afternoon my friend and firstly thank you so much for the kind and lengthy message you left for me last night , I must admit when I woke this morning I was truly suprised at your words of congratulations but in a good way :)).

We don't speak much but I always follow your well presented and articulate posts with interest , your take on life and the true enjoyment you receive from your abstinance are clear to see , this combined with a supportive family that you speak of highly and are clearly proud of adds in my opinion an extra dimension to your recovery , you see things for what they are and say what you feel to be right , all again in my opinion neccesary for being honest to ourselves and those we love .

What made it even more special for me to recieve your post was it was sent at a time that you were clearly suffering in pain , something I can really empathise with , sleepless nights and lots of Medication accompany me most nights :(( .

I hope your health improves soon Dunc's and you can return to normal life up off the floor , your story of your Dogs cuddled up alongside you made me smile , mine does the same and they always know and sense when we need some K9 therapy .

Your offer of meeting on the Viewpoint is something I would very much welcome and if Kelly could manage to make it along then all the better , the times I drive past that place on my way to another walking spot with the dogs with just a slight glance out goes without saying , yet I've not stopped on that spot since my kids were young and they'd badger me for an Icecream , it's sometimes the things on your doorstep that you take for granted the most , bit like gambling really your too busy to notice the important things going on around ?.

Dunc's , when you feel better and are running around once again like a spring chicken ? I look forward to that day eating a burger with the backdrop of our city , putting the world to rights and shaking your hand . Just give me the nod :))

Best wishes for a speedy recovery and to your family .

Regards Alan

Morning diary.

I have been laying reading the forum for a couple of hours, sleep eveades me,I am physically in a great deal of pain, my medication has seemingly short periods of relief with every dose I take.

I have just left a post upon Marks thread (mba) that I pondered for half an hour whether to send or not, it reads quite harsh, its a story from an evening in a GA meeting, one I have committed to share, because I know that I came so brutally close to losing not only my home but the love of those in it I myself trod.

There is not a minute when I don't forget that, not a minute where I don't feel humbled by the opportunity I was given.

I am deeply ashamed of the actions my gambling life produced,the fact that I became more devoted to the act of gambling above everything else in my life.

I was a very lucky man to have retained what I have in my life and have witnessed too many hurtful stories in which the outcome resulted in something far greater than financial loss.

I will do anything and everything to ensure that my life contains the family I am able to return my unconditional love to, the family I can be totally honest with,the family who pick me up when addiction comes knocking the door, when bouts of depression come they work through them with me and currently they are all going beyond themselves to aid my physical recovery.

I am committed to change,today I received a letter from the solent trust mental health services regarding my self referal and phoned and made an appointment for a n initial telephone interview next week, I am proud of myself for again continuing to seek help to better the quality of my own life and therefore those who I have the privilege of sharing it with.

Help is there,doors can be opened, equally I know that I have the opportunity to shut the one's behind me.

Physio for me around lunchtime, it can't come soon enough, I will again push myself towards recovery,the physical pain won't beat me, I face it's aggression with a twisted smile.

Today my life was enhanced because I chose not to gamble, instead I had the pleasure of the company of our beautiful lily, oh and of course my beloved hounds, hovis is back to his naughty self,lol, he has a lovely scrape on his knee,which he is milking at every opportunity, lol I caught him half a dozen times picking up said leg and holding it out for all to see, equally I saw him run off to the kitchen as normal every time he heard the oven door,fridge or cupboard open, no doubt holding the leg up when he got ther!!

Him and mr blue bring amazing joy,they are both an outcome of my finding recovery.

A true gift.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi, Duncs,

Sorry to hear of the injury and continued pain but the silver lining was two fantastic posts last night.

Hope the Physio helps today and the telephone assessment goes well.

BW,

CW

Duncs, you're not a split custard that you can rescue with a good beating! I know the physio is there with you but strengthening comes from causing trauma in the muscle which then repairs itself...Overtraining (or in your case gritting your teeth so you can push past an acceptable level of pain) does more damage than the body can fix! I get that your whole psyche wants you up and running kitchen marathons like before but time to use your recovery tools & leave gung ho @ home with the hounds when you go to physio.

Sending Hovis a cyber chew for his poorly, even if he keeps forgetting which one hurts & Mr Blue one too because why not 🙂

Hi duncs
Hope all good with you....I don't think we've spoke much but...often read your posts...always make me think.. which is great
Just wanted to say post 3 on mba s diary was very powerful. ..so true ....thankyou
Have a good weekend....and thanks

Me again !
Sorry duncs I was so took up with post 3
I didn't bother catching up with your last few posts before I posted just now...arghhhhh sorry to hear your in so much pysical pain I hope today's physo helps...
X

Morning Dunc's , just my twopenneth for what it's worth , your fight against your pain is no different than your fight against addiction is / was , both will improve with time and the healing proccess is sometimes long and hard , you sound in tremendous pain my friend , I know your keen to revisit the place of great burgers and while I realise your a big bloke I'm prepared to give you a push in a wheelchair up that hill ( well , thinking of it maybe not such a good idea with my hip ) LOL , remember the early days of your recovery one day at a time and little steps my friend .

Wishing you a speedy recovery Dunc's

Alan

Hi Duncan sorry to hear of your latest troubles hopefully you'll be up and about in no time. I have read snippets of your diary and read some of your post on others and I just want to say congratulations. I'm not hear to applaud you and shout your name from the rooftops as your reward comes from your continued abstinence. What I do think is that your diary and struggle would be a fantastic book. You convey your thoughts with an articulate poise and it would be a fantastic inspiring read to those not on the forum. Maybe you could split the profits with gamcare? I've no idea how this could be done but I know I would buy it and read it. Thanks for your continued input into this forum it's inspiring and truly is what the support network is all about. Enjoy your weekend cheers

Afternoon diary.

I laid out on the physio bench, kelly's wise words ringing in my ears, I am hearing but not listening to what the physio is saying and then the penny dropped.

I have in culinary terms over cooked it, I have put beautiful chocolate fondants in the oven and forgot to take them out, the soft centre is now hard. I am not beyond serving lol,just cool myself down and fill the middle with some buttercream and enjoy with a cup of tea!! Lol.

So until Monday lunchtime when I return I am to do no physically exerting activity, I am to half a dozen times a day to sit on the world's largest gym ball (due to my posterior lol) and gently roll around. then I hopefully the process of listening can resume and recovery however long it takes will take it's course.

Thanks so much for all your kind words, I will endeavour to reply to you all.

For now I will relax for a while.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Duncs thanks for the powerful post. You added over night to MBE. Although I read it with half glazed eye's at 5am this morning it was pretty powerful stuff
Thanks for sharing

Good morning diary.

Well I have just awoken from six hours undisturbed sleep, the first time in a month I have slept through the night, I guess the results of doing as I was told yesterday, not something that I have been great at throughout my life, yesterday I think I reached a breaking point, mentally I had let the inability to physically do much get the better of me, I went down the route of thinking 'well I will show you!!' And the truth is I can't presently show anyone a great deal physically because I have the inability to do so, all my life I have been the first person to jump in, never thinking of the consequences, just feet first headlong at whatever stands in front of me. I am 42 years young in a month I earnt the right through hard graft to manage a kitchen nearly twenty years ago, yet I was the one who without thinking jumped into the huge wheelie bin to clean up other folks incompetence and I did so without thinking or planning, a month on and I am paying the price for my actions, I am accountable for what I did and again I have to take lessons from my actions. I need to slow down, learn to stop and think, plan and then proceed. All my life I have been gung ho,I left a trail of devastation many times through not thinking before acting and without doubt gambling addiction latched onto this fact pretty sharpish and I let it capitalise on that. Today I feel a great sense of inner calm towards the act of gambling,I am fully aware of the outcome that will be found if I answered addictions call,nothing would change for the better, because without doubt for twenty years and more I did repeat the same action and expect the outcome to change with the same catastrophic results.

So I will take heed, the great advice offered, starting with kelly and alan and my physiotherapist and follow instructions (a first lol)

The outcome of accepting help,that I am not alone,that I don't have to do everything to prove myself.

The rain falls heavily outside, the whippets don't like the rain and are snuggled up tight one each side of me,they will happily sleep all day,well food and a quick dash for the toilet in between lol.

I will relax, watch the football on the tv and finally tuck into ian rankins latest offerings.

Thanks again for all your kind words yesterday and for the comments regarding the post I wrote on mba's thread, I wrote it from the bottom of my heart, I would like to think it may help the fella see through the mask of fog addiction has placed ahead of him.

This forum has been a gift from day one, the therapy is outstanding, yes we won't always agree on everything, but surely that's life in general. recovery is bespoke, no method outweighs another

It's all about the outcome

Abstain and maintain.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncs,

Just popping in to check that you're still staying strong and maintaining your positivity and focus....Love that you are working on your inner calm. Its so important to recovery.

Keep going and thanks for all your support over the time.

Tri

Afternoon Dunc's , Glad to read that youv'e managed to have a few good hours sleep which I'm sure will allow the healing process to begin , I was also amused to read your post before last regarding your supplied Gym equipment which only goes to prove that as many are aware by your long term abstinance and now made official by the NHS you really do have the biggest ball's in recovery :)) ( sorry I couldn't resist ) .

Stay safe Dunc's and have a great Day .

Hi, Duncan,

Hope you're relatively comfortable. re knowing how far not to push yourself, perhaps apply the Serenity Prayer?

BW,

CW

Afternoon diary.

Thanks for popping by Cw, I have been back to physio today, had a good session, the result of listening last week! The doctor that I saw before at the rehabilitation centre came to see me today, he is happy with my progress and just said keep doing what you are told and a full recovery without surgery should be the outcome. In the short term they are going to look into giving me an epidural injection of steroids into my nerves directly in the spine, hopefully with an outcome that I will need a great deal less medication, to the point the harmful possible side effects of the medication I am taking are something that hopefully can be avoided. The issue is because the trauma is at the top of the lumbar region the doctor is going to confer with his colleague.

The other good news is I have shed more than two stone in weight in the past 28 days, which long term will have a greater effect on my recovery going forward. so my next session is in four days and I have some more simple exercises to be getting on with using my gym ball which hopefully will lead to me being able to sit down comfortably for more than about half a minute, at present it's still standing or standing horizontally lol.

Sad to read again that the harmony within the forum has been unsettled, myself I realised some time ago that firstly compulsive gamblers as a whole are a pretty emotionally fragile bunch and whatever the weather we simply will never all get on at all times, because life in general doesn't work that way. And the irony for me is the way I treated the world with such distain and all who sail in it for twenty plus years I should have skin thicker than that of a rhinoceros! !!!!!!

As my dear friend Paul wrote many times, in recovery take what is of value to you and dump the rest.

Abstain and maintain.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

I am looking forward to the panorama programme tonight, no doubt that the industry will lay the blame solely at our feet.