Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Evening dear diary.
Down and out thanks for the kind words they humble me greatly.
So I had a break from the forum, I stopped reading at every spare moment, I stopped self deliberating every word, I in truth needed to focus my attention on myself.
To look out for myself first is something that doesn't come easily, I struggle to find reason to care for myself, I often simply don't feel worthy.
Depression sits under my skin, I know its present and equally know that the medication I take keeps it under the skin rather than it taking total control of my every thought.
I have self debated whether I should stop taking the medication and live with the roller-coaster mind of extreme highs and even more extreme lows, does the medicine make it better??
Not always, its like I have an itch I can't reach at times, except its a dark feeling in the depths of my mind.
I have had some deeply meaningful talks with Sarah of late, we talked about the day I set off to end my life.
She deep down didn't believe I would do it, that I would be a the person who could damage the life of a train driver, an innocent person just going about their day.
The truth is on that day my mind was totally detached, I was truly broken, I could not find the will to want to be alive.
Sarah asked why after arriving and the fact that there were no trains that I didn't seek to find another way of killing myself.
I had made that plan, I had done my homework, I hadn't found a single person who had walked in front of a speeding train who lived to tell their story.
It was in my broken mind the only way out.
I had a vision that all other methods had seen survivors and I didn't want to risk being left in a condition were I would need caring for.
Because I didn't care for myself.
That day will live with me forever.
I walked over twenty miles, the previous two days I had cycled from portsmouth to Bournemouth and back trying to make sense of it all, to try and open my mind, unlock the pain.
I was mentally broken and physically exhausted, I had huge blisters on my feet, my limbs hurt and I hadn't eaten or drank anything.
I use the memory today to get me through days that challenge me.
I use the memory in the gym to go the extra mile, I use the memory to try and understand the way my brain is wired.
I hope Sarah understands more about me than she ever has.
I respect that it must be difficult, that she didn't sign up for a life of this those 28 years ago.
I will be honest with her about my inner thoughts, I won't hide my feelings from her.
We do have something truly special, amazing and we have plans and dreams we will share and live out.
Work dominated a great deal of the past few weeks.
Mothering Sunday brought out the masses, something that I find strange as most of my customers appeared not to know the true meaning of the day, and for me it like Easter is just a commercial venture.
Supermarkets have made it a cheap event and some food establishments appear to want to cash in. All in all it left a somewhat empty feeling.
Not helped by finding that finishing work at 11pm and starting another 14hr day at 5.30am the next day isn't brutal enough I had an hour stolen through the clocks going forward.
Something I was still struggling with on Tuesday.
Still as I wrote I reminded myself that I have self created worse pain and rode through.
The longer daylight hours will be enjoyed and hopefully the sun will return so we can enjoy the evening without the heating on full blast and not needing several layers of clothes to step outside the house.
I haven't stepped into a bookmakers since my last post, the new regulations have I believe
Been implemented so hopefully folk won't be able to throw obscene amounts of money through them in a truly shocking way.
Any changes surely are welcomed.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Good morning dearest diary.

Change something that comes hard for me, but change brings opportunity to live a better life  

I have struggled to navigate my way around the forum over the last few days because I was simply so used to the old one, for six years and more I knew what to do, is the new format better?? Only time will tell, I like the fact I can donate to its upkeep something I will happily do 

For now dear friend you will help me to remain abstinent from the bookmakers  

The two pound maximum stake has been implemented and talking to a fellow the other day I gather that the only application effected by the change is the roulette, the slots can still be played at the same ridiculously rapid speed at £2.00 a spin every two seconds meaning you can still spin £60 per minute, an eye watering amount. Still I am sure someone is lording themselves a saviour.

For me the reduction in the maximum stake is still a huge elephant in the room. 

Right off to work for me, the pub is my calling today and the rest of the week, Easter hopefully will be a busy time for us and I am happy for that. 

Today I have a choice  

Abstain and maintain 

Duncs stepping forward never back. 

Good morning dearest diary. 

So after a few weeks of crazy hours working we have got ourselves into a debt free state and are now sitting on a balcony in our home for the next two weeks in Zante, two weeks of nothing but r and r, good food, a few books, too many camels and some mythos and all in the company of the person I want to awake next to for the rest of my days, my soul mate, for me the most precious, beautiful, loving, caring fun person and someone I have the joy of calling my wife 

We have worked through our troubles and live so honestly and dedicate our lives to the joy of living, a far cry from the previous years, depression is something that I live with  something that will be ever present, currently I am having a break from the pills that have kept my mind on a level playing field since I last gambled  since I resigned to the point were I actively sought to end my life  

Today I am glad that I didn't have the means to, that fate or whatever it can be deemed stopped it happening, I have learnt a great deal about myself, I have dug way past the depths I had previously, I am today comfortable in my own skin. 

I am struggling with the new format of the forum, but change I know is part of life. 

I accept the things I cannot change and find courage to want to change the things that I have the ability to. 

Desire is a wonderful thing today .

The desire to live  

The desire to listen, talk, run, have, hold and hug. 

Without addiction holding the reins, without depression ruling my thoughts unworthy. 

Everything is humbling. 

And as a dear friend said better to ramble than gamble. 

Abstain and maintain 

Duncs stepping forward never back  

Evening dear diary, I did write a Long post upon my return from our holiday only to press the little icon that sits upon the right hand side of the screen only to see my post lost and me redirected to the opportunity to chat with someone. So I gave up. Since then I have worked two weeks lunch and dinner, tonight I took the evening off, Sarah had her second driving test today and I wanted to share the evening with her, unfortunately she didn't pass but truthfully it doesn't matter, we have not had a car between us for twenty seven years so there really is no rush. She has re booked and next time I will wish her well and together we will deal with the outcome.

So we decided a long overdue visit to a chip shop was the order of the day and I have to say it was a worthy way to spend an evening off, and we will return there before long. Proper fish and chips 

All served and cooked by someone I have waited an age to shake the hand of. In fact if there wasn't a counter and other customer's between us I would have given the fella a hug. 

I sat eating my supper re reading every word of A9's threads in my photographic mind and Alan you have every right to be a very proud man.

I was humbled and inspired. 

A superb example of what abstinence gifts. 

I will return my old friend, next time I do I will hopefully exchange details and one Sunday I can offer you the spoils of my profession, i have a lot to live up to 🙂

Today I am inspired to abstain 

Duncs stepping forward never back. 

Posted by: duncanmac

Evening dear diary, I did write a Long post upon my return from our holiday only to press the little icon that sits upon the right hand side of the screen only to see my post lost and me redirected to the opportunity to chat with someone. So I gave up. Since then I have worked two weeks lunch and dinner, tonight I took the evening off, Sarah had her second driving test today and I wanted to share the evening with her, unfortunately she didn't pass but truthfully it doesn't matter, we have not had a car between us for twenty seven years so there really is no rush. She has re booked and next time I will wish her well and together we will deal with the outcome.

So we decided a long overdue visit to a chip shop was the order of the day and I have to say it was a worthy way to spend an evening off, and we will return there before long. Proper fish and chips 

All served and cooked by someone I have waited an age to shake the hand of. In fact if there wasn't a counter and other customer's between us I would have given the fella a hug. 

I sat eating my supper re reading every word of A9's threads in my photographic mind and Alan you have every right to be a very proud man.

I was humbled and inspired. 

A superb example of what abstinence gifts. 

I will return my old friend, next time I do I will hopefully exchange details and one Sunday I can offer you the spoils of my profession, i have a lot to live up to 🙂

Today I am inspired to abstain 

Duncs stepping forward never back. 

Duncan My old friend .

Thank you so much for dropping bye with Sarah and Lily tonight which was quite a strange and surreal moment actually, to finally meet with someone who I've  known for so long but never actually met in person  It must be a bit like how  internet dating feel's but at my age I wouldn't really know :(( .

When you were waiting in the queue to be served having not introduced yourself I kept looking at ink upon your arm thinking " Is it , could be " but still wasn't sure :)) . 

I also felt a tinge of sadness not being able ( once you'd said you must be Alan )  to have a good old chinwag and most definitely a huge hug  ( now I know what you look like ) for someone who's inspired me along the way over these past few yrs on Gamcare but for now old friend a handshake will have to do , bloody customers don't ar'f get in the way sometimes don't they ? . 

I'm glad you enjoyed your meal and it's probably good that you didn't introduce yourself till the end so ( no pressure then ) , I'm also really looking forward to your return when we will most definitely swap numbers nad have that hug  but must insist you come back as my guest this time otherwise it won't happen but many thanks for swelling the coffers of my Stroke club charity tin which is very dear to my heart . 

Absolute pleasure to meet you all tonight Dunc's and I'm also very humbled by your post .

Best wishes to you all 

Alan     

You boys should get a room!

In all seriousness, I was very moved this post.

It shows just how good can come from such a dark thing.

Ever inspiring and uplifting!

Best wishes,

Mark

1)  I know the feelings associated with posts lost in the fashion you have described... Last time it happened to me I threw my phone across the room, you are not alone mate

2) I was so excited to see you posting again, and as predicted you didn't let me down... Beautiful posts from the two of you (you soppy gits) - as Mark said - this display of unity and mutual respect was really quite moving.

The addicts world is a lonely one but as you guys have proved it doesn't have to be.

3) I hope you had a glorious holiday Duncan

4) hope to hear from you again soon

5) welcome back buddy ✊

6) message for Alan - you brightened up my day once again mate with your sincerity and openness... Don't leave!!! ?

Evening dear diary. 

I have neglected writing because plain and simply I have been busy, we lost a chef a week ago and have been covering with what we have so a fare chunk of my time has been taken by my work not that I am complaining it is there on offer and I will be well recompensed for my efforts.

Tonight I had the night off, so we managed to fit in a return journey to visit the honourable A9 and again sample his fine wears, which again were utterly delicious.

We have seen one another on a couple of occasions since I first ate, in the wholesalers where we did indeed share a warm hug(manhug) ? Which must have looked a bit odd to anybody passing but really I don't care for anyone's opinion, I have a better understanding of folk today and believe again I have added a truly good egg to the folk I am privileged to call friends.

Naughtily no money was accepted for our supper, which is something that I have found common in recovering addicts, the ability to share, generosity and without wanting anything in return, something that truly humbles me. 

So we have swapped numbers and some great advice on potatoes which I will put to good use and hopefully we will soon get together away from work so we can enjoy a good natter. 

Then I hope I will get the opportunity to return such generosity by feeding Alan and his family the fruits of my own labour. 

So today marks another good day, its still reading 20oC which will be tough to sleep in, but you will not find me complaining.

Hopefully tomorrow will bring us another busy day and customers are without doubt happier as a whole ? ? ? 

 Abstain and maintain 

Duncs stepping forward never back 

Evening dear diary. 

Well I had a day off today, and Sarah had a day off to boot, I think the first since we have returned from our holiday, so a whole day to enjoy, we had a few bits to grab in town this morning and I arranged to share a coffee and a chat with Alan which was for me a fantastic hour of therapy and mutual understanding of why we share the common goal to arrest addiction and enjoy living. It's truly humbling to share your inner feelings and experiences with like minded folk and for me something that you should put the leg work in to do, because it's for me a medicine that I won't find in a chemist, medicine bottle or doctors surgery. It fuels me, feeds my belief that there's a life without gambling, something addiction had me disbelieve for twenty years and more. I find such inspiration from days like today, I truly believe that I can and most importantly deserve to enjoy my life. 

Thats something that I have never believed, I used to beat myself up and addiction without doubt played a big part in that. I today have a huge respect for the addiction that lives within my mind, I know how easily it can regain control, I have walked that road, equally I ran, spent a life running. 

Today I stand and face up. Today I embrace my life warts and all, and today I received an reward for my efforts, something that I can't put a price on. 

It's outcome priceless. 

Just for today I didn't gamble 

Abstain and maintain 

Duncs stepping forward never back. 

Evening Dunc :)) 

You're sentiment's above mirror my own feeling's my friend and although I feel it was more like an hour and a half of conversation , it truly felt that we'd only spoken for about fifteen minutes as I walked back home . 

Looking somebody in the eye and having an honest conversation about our respective live's really brought it home for me  today Dunc , by seeing the pain behind the eyes that years of  addiction had caused yet also the joy in those same eyes brought about through change and through choices we now make is quite an uplifting experience my friend and as always I thank you for your honesty . 

I hope when time allow's we can meet again and continue our therapy session but on an everyday scenario in our city I'm sure our path's will cross once again in the local wholesalers , where the conversation will once again switch to comparing variety's of Spud's / 🙂 . 

Talk to you soon my friend and best wishes to you all 🙂  

Hi Dunc,

Amazing that you're still here spreading your positivity. Good for you and good for everyone on here.

All the best!

Mm

Morning dear diary 

milkman thanks for popping by yes I am still here, I don’t post much but regularly read the threads. I have been very busy with work putting in six and seven day weeks which are hard in the current heat but no less enjoyable. I have been using a old phone of the bosses as my trusted Sony suffered what I was told sudden death syndrome, it literally just turned itself off mid conversation and won’t turn back on, I took it back to the phone shop and the lad said it was the battery so I took it to another phone repair shop and £40 lighter in my wallet and it still doesn’t turn on!!

so I am using the worlds smallest I phone, my fingers make it impossible to type and I am having to learn all the things I phones do differently 

today lily is going to sort out a more manly version for me lol

the worst thing is I have lost all my contact lists that I have so I am having to try and re contact folk which is proving fun

sarah failed her driving test for the third time so we have re booked and hopefully she will pass next time, truthfully we have never had a car in our 28 years together so it’s no big deal.

other than that life treats me well I have been in the gym four days a week, physically I feel good and most importantly my mental well being is in a truly great place 

I know that it’s rewarding the effort i give life, I refuse to join the ever growing society of moaners , I really have nothing to moan about.

i have learnt to value the things that hold true value and to leave the things that have little purpose or value aside.

it works, i am a working process 

abstain and maintain 

duncs stepping forward never back 

Morning dearest diary 

a sobering reminder of how addiction works reading the forum this morning, I walked in those shoes, I wore them out, by the time I finished I didn’t even care to replace them, I looked like I lived on the street and I didn’t qualify to do so, I worked long days to feed addiction, nothing more than a blinkered view that everything would come good, when in truth I was just trying to escape from myself and with every punt I wanted to run further.

change today has been wholesale because I have been gifted the opportunity to live with what my mind creates. I am able to truly care about the things that are worthy of caring about and leave the rest and as a result I am gifted with a life that is simple and something that I actually have a desire for 

yes addiction still and will always be present, last week it threw goodwood at me, lots of folk were going and addiction tried to make me believe I was missing out, the truth is the only thing I missed out on was losing a days graft and whatever funds I would have been carrying so for me a double result.

last week I worked seven days, my choice and the same this week, the following week I have a few days off and we will head to Somerset for a few days r and r

as a reward I ordered myself some more new threads last night from my favourite clothing company 

a stark contrast from the life I lived for a great deal of years 

today I have a choice 

abstain and maintain 

Duncs stepping forward never back 

Morning dear diary 

So my dear old friend I have again neglected you, why?? I have been thinking a great deal over the past few days why, well I have concluded that there’s a number of reasons, first and foremost I am incredibly busy living, even I believe trying to make up for the years lost to my inability to look outside the box I had put myself in, well in truth I just sought to make a smaller box to hide within because I had lost direction, belief in myself and I couldn’t get past the feeling of abject failure. I believed that everything I touched turned to s@@/t and I gave up trying, instead I ran to the arms of addiction.

so today I go gung ho at the good things, today I am just concentrating on all the positive things that come and am actually enjoying the fruits of my labour.

secondly dear diary I will be honest I just don’t find as much appeal in the way this platform presents itself since it was updated, I really struggle to navigate around it and find all to often I miss threads and posts that either deserve a response or will provide the medicine I need to remain abstinent.

its too easy today to just read everyone’s last post, almost leading my brain to think that post is the conclusion of the thread.

thirdly I have and will always have a huge problem with the words ‘problem gambling’ a phrase that I wholeheartedly believe is industry lead, to label the problem as such and not addiction leads folk by and large to believe that such an issue can be overcome.

 I am yet to meet a compulsive gambler, a gambling addict who has been cured and will be a long time dead before I believe that happens, why can’t the industry, media listen to health professionals and folk like me and actually take the issue of gambling addiction as seriously as other addictions

gambling addiction causes death, that is a fact, but I believe the industry are happy to kick that under the carpet because if they took addiction as seriously as they might of course profits would be hit.

 I find this a truly sad fact and as a result I believe I don’t use the forum in the way I have for many years.

today I will continue to embrace abstinence and I will find ways to ensure I have the continued medicine I need, one that is best found interacting with like minded folk.

 I believe that the authors of this forum own the platform, yes the administration keep it oiled but without authors it would surely cease to exist 

A bit like walking into a ga room to find it empty.

 I will make more effort to contribute my old friend, after all you have contributed to saving my life, that I am humbled and ever indebted for 

Abstain and maintain 

Duncs stepping forward never back 

Afternoon dear old friend 

so another bank holiday a time for families to share and enjoy, for me a gruelling weekend ahead, a pub full of folk that rarely eat out or drink, they order rounds of drinks always the Guinness last!! They bemoan about the costs, queuing and never seem happy.

for me I will just smile my way through, get up early, get home late. I will find the time to walk with my beloved hounds and just get through till Tuesday when life will return to normal, customers who genuinely want to dine and drink will return and for us that will be the last bank holiday to endure before Christmas 

so if you have the benefit of time off please enjoy it for what it is, if you venture out be curtious to the folk who are hard at work and if you’re at a bar buying a round and it includes a pint of the black stuff please order it first!!! A good pint takes time to pour 

abstain in and maintain 

Duncs stepping forward never back