Andy's Diary

P****d off is an understatement.

Just over a year gamble free only to relapse.
Self excluded from all bookies in town a year ago.
I've remembered that a certain chain only let me SE for 1 year.

Grand national weekend, culmination of football season, cup finals etc and I've been having gambling thoughts and stupidly went in to put a football bet on, straight in £20 bet and out I was out in 2 mins.
Simple little harmless bet, small amount can do no harm, or so I thought...

So it lost, I then return with £200 to recoup £20, 5 minute visit to the FOBT and lose the lot.

Visit again with £800, surely I can win £220 off of a couple of spins and a couple of horses?
Replace the money and my partner won't know eh?

20 minutes or so later I leave with £300 in my pocket.
At no point was I in profit, not even money back despite having a couple of winners.
Came to my senses and thought 'what the actual f**k am I doing?'

I was gifted cash from my parents who just sold there house and downsized, so the cash was sitting in the house, we've just had a planning application approved so it was to go towards that hence the cash in the house for tradesmen,skips etc.

If I hadn't come to my senses my loss could have been 2, 3, 5 times or more what I did loss.
Why I thought walking into a bookies with £20, £200 then £800 in my pocket thinking it was going to end happily is anyone's guess.

So last night wasn't good when my partner came home from work at 10pm.

I'm a lucky guy in that she's giving me another chance.

Last one, next strike and I'm out the door.

I'm not one for opening up and last night/this morning I did more than ever before.

I saw the warning signs and didn't act on them.

I didn't practice what I preached.

Embarrassed, ashamed, and thoroughly P****d off with myself but more than anything the look of hurt in my partners eyes when I started to tell her will stay with me a long time.
I've hurt her real bad and possibly never be able to regain her trust again, but I'm gonna try my damnest to regain some of it.

Just read your diary vack over the last few months and what you said to me earlier is right the signs where there. You can learn from this and spot the signs In future.

KTF

Morning, Andy,

Don't test yourself. Put the lump sum you mentioned out of harm's way. It's good that you stopped when you did but don't ask for more trouble by leaving a few loopholes. You went in as soon as the opportunity arose and you were chasing, not criticism but pointing out that the signs of trouble are there. The addiction doesn't go away whilst you don't feed it, it's still there and if you do feed it again, it returns with full strength.

Recovery isn't about the day count alone, important though that is. It's about staying gf plus changing the addict mindset, the so called stinking thinking. Best done at GA.

Break the triangle properly, get support at meetings, look honestly at what gambling gives you and why you need it.

To be done by you, for you. If you don't, who will?

BW,

CW

Thanks for the comments Oldham and cw.

Yes the signs were there Oldham, I now realise I must make it a priority to ensure my SE with the bookies is always up to date.

Won't manage today or tmrw due to work but I must visit my old haunts next week prepared with photos to ensure my SE is still valid, if it's not I'll be filling out a new form.

Yes the cash is safely tucked away CW, I have no access to it nor my bank card, I should never have let the triangle be complete, I preach to newcomers on here about SE and finances but didn't ensure my own blocks were in place.

Take care all.

Hi Andy,

Don't beat yourself up over the slip! I sometimes wish we didn't have counters on this site because it's not exactly getting back to day one..you did & still doing brilliant job!
Addiction is strong and ohh man those slips trully hurts..to stop them from continues slide down is bigger battle than stopping addiction in the first place.
You're doing well...don't let your mindset trick u in "game over mode"..it's not - you are fighting and fighting hard! Learn, accept - move on.

One day at a time

Stay safe, stay commited, keep up the belief and determination

Sandra

Thanks Sandra, yes I kind of agree re the day count.

Because I knew a year had elapsed something just popped into my head that my SE would be expired.

It's a factor in my relapse but not the reason, the main reason what caused it was I wasn't strong enough.

I know more than ever now I can't have readily access to cash, and I must ensure as well that this time next year I update my SE in all the bookies and any new shops that may have opened by then.

It should be easy to remember as it's the last few weeks of the football season.

Thanks for reading and commenting, take care.

Great seeing you on the chat Andy. Keep it up 🙂

How you doing bud been a while

Doing good Oldham.

Been keeping a low profile, log back in and find out I'm on 99 days GF today 🙂

Might treat myself tomorrow on my 100 days gamble free, had no idea what the day count was.

Been really busy lately, have started building a 2 bed extension, combined with being really busy at work I haven't hardly got time to think.

Which, since my relapse, I think I needed something to take my mind right off gambling.

Besides being busy, I've watched very little of the new season, live games always triggered gambling thoughts, the gambling adverts at half time etc were a constant reminder.

Onwards and Upwards.

Sometimes you log onto this place and get a great surprise. Your 2nd century approaches. You've just made my night.

KTF

Hi Oldham are you from Oldham? I am hollinwood. I keep going on the online slots only when I drink does not interest me when I'm sobber can you believe! But I go manic on it when drinking. I no the answer is stop drinking cause I associate that with gambling but can't I have a social drink without thinking of them? I don't no

Day 491

Been a while since I've been online, gambling thoughts re-entering my head again so I'm back, probably for re-assurance more than anything else...?

Lifes' good, house finished, promotion at work and earning more money than I've ever had, but there's that little voice in the back of my mind when watching sports, or listening to guys from work talking about there near mises on there football coupon, I could have picked the winners that they mssed....

Have re-read my Diary on here, and the same warning signs are there from when I relapsed before.

I must not let it happen.

I don't want to worry my OH, I'll pop in to online chat when I can, that helped before, I don't feel I could return to a GA meeting, they just werent for me,

Take care all.

Day 32.

Yep I’ve had to reset as I’ve succumbed, again.

Was doing so well and blew it big style.

Going to take a 2/3 years to dig myself out of this financial hole I’ve just buried my family in.

But, on the bright side, I’m still here.

I haven’t gambled today, and I don’t plan on gambling tomorrow is my new motto, I’ve GOT to stick to that.

I have stopped from this week