Angel From Montgomery

Morning E.,

I was grappling with writing a post today. I have for the most part removed myself from the social aspect of this forum for my own reasons and I must admit there are times when it feels a bit lonesome or isolated here on my little planet.

I do a lot of reading, and I ran across a post that resonated in my head like a clanging gong! The diarist wrote that he felt he might have a warped relationship with money, and that got me to thinking about my own relationship with money over the years.

I never really made a lot but,I always seemed to have enough. I never had a problem saving it. I tend to be a little tight fisted. When I got mixed up with gambling I made having a stash of cash at the ready for the slots a priority.

For years having money to gamble with on the weekends became our main priority. We made a lot of personal sacrifices for the sake of gambling. When I read about folks with kids I think to myself that gambling for that individual has taken priority over their kids. The truth is that simple.

Thankfully for P and I we never had any children to mess up around. We partnered in this crime. Furthermore, P and I never had anyone to hand our finances over to. That was not an option for us. In fact, I have been in charge of my mother's finances for the last 2 years. She has a 3000. cash reserve on her checking account and in two years I am very proud to say that we have not touched a cent of it. It has literally been a little over 730 days that we have had direct access to 3000. and have not spent a penny of it!!!!! We have always had to find a way to get paid and hold onto our money with both hands. The hardest hurdle so far has been not spending what we consider expendable cash on slots machines.

I am again congratulating myself and P today for setting money aside for a nice birthday dinner. I guess what I have learned is that it is easy to abstain when we don't have any money. I read so many posts on here that start with today is day one again. I am broke but, I am bound and determined to do it this time. The real test will be when payday comes.... umm, yeah.

Gambling on slots was fun. Nobody forced me into it. Winning was even more fun. I didn't reach for the forum when I was winning. I won big then lost big and then lost more until I ran up a credit debt of 30,000.00 MF dollars!! We have been paying down that debt for the last 3 years now, and it is now close to 10,000.00. Still a lot of money, but much better. That is 600.00 a month to pay on a debt with nothing to show for it. At least one more solid year of monthly payments of 600.00.

I have never lived an unbroken solid string of perfect days but, I live and I LEARN. Rigorous honesty starting with myself is positive. Positive energy doesn't need to come wrapped in floral paper. Some days I have to look directly at the losses. 30,000.00 dollars!!! What the hell were we thinking???

Today, I am NOT powerless when it comes to gambling on slots or when it comes to holding onto my own fricking money. If I am being honest it has and always will come down to choice.

When I gamble it is because I choose to gamble. Understanding why I would choose to throw a rock into my own window and then cry injustice about it being shattered has been a slow, at times grinding, and painful daily process.

So what was the point of this lovely rant? Today is P's birthday and we actually prioritized it. We have money set aside to pay for whatever she wants and a nice little supper. Good for us!!!!!!!

Is the urge to gamble there? Yes it is. Will it pass? If I choose not to feed into it; it will surely pass. I am not Talbot who has to be chained to his chair and placed behind bars every time the moon is full. I have the power to choose. The power to say no. -joanxxxx

Hi Joan,

May i come in to visit my Sis? 🙂

Hey, firstly my warmest wishes to birthday girl today and wish you both to have great day enjoying every moment. Secondly..wow, what a post and just got me thinking (which i am pleased i do these days cause more sensible thoughts entering this skull lol).

Something you mentioned in your post i always quietly asked myself. I am not the one to judge people and i cannot put myself in others shoes plus i definitely know how strong and consuming this addiction can be...the question i ask myself, what should be the biggest motivation to quit for folks? Is family enough? Is kids enough? . I have no family of my own and no kids, and this surely is not an excuse to gamble (loneliness, boredom, pushing the time). I suppose i will never fully understand the underlying reasons to start self destruction. I am quite strong believer in family bond and connection with them....or was i?....i guess I'm half lying here thinking of it now. I have a lovely nephew which i love to pieces, and i do feel useless auntie wasting so much money and time on slots instead of spending time with him. Still he is not my boy and i don't see him daily to give all the attention needed..sort of to give my soul for him if this makes sense..

I know when this problem started. It started a year after i moved out from my sis..i slowly became alien to them now..all by my own wrong choices and wanting that peaceful time to myself..i overstepped the mark, i know that. I isolated completely and let the devil in. I made a pact with the b astard and let it chew me and spit me out.

I guess i am slowly finding the reasons while i am typing now. I needed temporary isolation and peace...and look at me now ..lol..hell it's not funny and defo scary place to stay.

Before i make my move ahead in my life i feel i have to walk few steps back. Just to find that connection with them again, just give my spare time for my family (sister, nephew)...enough of isolation me thinks, time to make the things right.

I have got a plan in my head. I know that looking ahead all is not that dark. If i put my mind to things i can have the peace i am looking for as well as complete bond with my family again..and I'm still quite young lol lol. .if i save and save hard i will completely turn my life around for the better. It is all down to the choice i am ready to make each day. Sounds simple? Heh..it can be if we believe in it 🙂

Now just want to apologise for such a long post...sometimes thoughts just spills out on your tread...

Keep up the good work girl and all the best

I'm going now lol lol 🙂

((((((J))))) xx

Morning E.,

P had a lovely birthday dinner and cheese cake for dessert. One thing I know for certain and I will be arrogant enough to say it: She is and will always be more important to me than gambling on a slot machine ever was or ever will be. Today, I am proud of the honesty and trust we have built together in the almost 15 years that we have been together.

I was thinking about that 30,000.00 dollar nut again and how we managed to rack it up. Back in the day we used to bring wallets with all of our credit cards in them to the casino. I had huge cash credit available balances on two of those cards. The line that I drew or the boundary that I created between us and the amount we INTENDED to spend kept getting pushed further and further forward. Why? Because what I know now, I did not know then. Once started it is really easy for us to keep going. For me money loses its real value at a casino. The experience itself for me can be mind altering. I would get into a mental state where I could spend twenty after twenty without giving it a single thought. Almost trancelike.

There were times when we lost so much money that I would cry on the car ride home. What I know now that I did not know then was, I was not crying because we lost so much money but, because we didn't have any more money to play with.

Whenever I lost I would rage at the casino bosses and condemn gambling as an evil sin. In my fantasy I should always win. I never kept any winnings for long. We would go back and try to recapture the same winning event only at the time I didn't quite understand that random meant RANDOM. It doesn't ever have to happen again. Eventually, we had spent everything we had and all available cash credit.

I cut up my credit cards and I came to this forum on my knees. I got so tired of running in circles. I read time and time again, that nothing changes if nothing changes. I felt powerless and broken. I took my place among the ranks of many and began counting days. I think at one point I managed 15 straight weeks.

The metaphor I used back then was; I feel like I am flying in a beautiful hot air balloon. When I fell down I fell a long way down. What I know now that I didn't know then was; I'm not perfect and that the road to recovery is simply that. An endless road. There is no finish line. It's not a race. There are no winners and no losers and if my feet should ever leave the ground again that is the time I need to check myself because that hot air balloon could be my head swelling again.

What I have learned about myself in this time is that my compulsivity does not begin and end with gambling on slots. I found that I could jump from one compulsion to another. I could probably become compulsive about recovery.

The road like choice itself exists in my own mind. It was from falling down in repeated cycles that I finally learned that there is no perfect recovery for me. I am the type of person that can feel alone in a room of other people. I don't draw energy or mental momentum from others in fact I have learned it is quite the opposite for me. I need recharging like a battery. I need to sit on my own and think. I can get easily distracted by a lot of noise and static. When I take time to recharge my batteries that could be for me a sign of mental health and not always isolation. Choosing to steer away from the social aspect of the diaries is just me trying to recharge my batteries.

I have listed all of the progress P and I have made around gambling over the last two years. Some days I wish I could say it has been seven hundred and some odd days since we have not spent one single penny on gambling but, that may be a long time from now. What I learned is that I need to practice living in the moment.

So, now what? I have learned that I am not a powerless broken person. On the contrary. I have learned that there is power in knowledge and that when I know better I do better. It is important for me to learn by doing. In doing I might take some risks and might make a lot of mistakes. That's ok for me as long as I continue to learn I grow.

I never realized how layered my defenses can be. At one point I must have learned how to lie about lying ffs. Denial is like quicksand. Today, I am as honest with myself as I know how to be. That helps me remain honest and trustworthy around those I not only claim to love but, have learned I truly do love. I am not a perfect person on a perfect path to recovery but, I believe I am making my way and getting a little bit closer to "wellness" one day at a time. -joanxxxxx

Such a real description that denial is like quicksand and that in the past we even learned to lie about lying.

I think the descriptions of your recovery for me are a path of someone clearly advancing day by day to wellness and either circumventing or climbing the f****g great boulders along the way and I wish you every happiness in your journey.

xxx

Thanks Dragonfly. "Like a bird on a wire. Like a drunk in midnight choir, I have tried in my way to be free."

Morning E.,

The work week starts tomorrow and I am not filled with dread about it. If dread tries to seep in I will sit with it and try to understand it. I have no need to fear it. It is all just me.

It is what it is and I am who I am. I do my level best at my job and because I know this to be true with every cell of my being it does not and cannot matter what anyone else thinks. What will be will be and there isn't a d**n thing I can do about it.

I am learning how to take control of my life and my future by learning how to sit with my own thoughts and feelings and it feels ok. I don't have to be filled with fear and dread about the unknowns and I don't have to be filled with guilt and shame about what's in the past.

I guess I did use to feel this way: The urge to self destruct like the pull of the moon. Someone tie me to a chair and put shackles on me and put me behind bars. Stay awake with me all night and make sure I don't break free. If I do break free don't let me hurt myself or anyone else just shoot me with a silver bullet!

I am not the victim of a curse. I am not a victim at all. I don't have to be out of control if I don't want to be. What scares me these days is not pay day so much but, one of life's little curves that tend to get lofted in my general direction every so often and always when I least expect it.

Will I remain strong? Will I crumble? Can I do it alone if need be? There is power in the serenity prayer and now I say it softly to myself every morning:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

Serenity. Acceptance. Courage. Wisdom. In my quest for long term recovery I have added these blocks to my ever growing arsenal.

-joanxxxxx

Hiya Joan

Thanks for the post

Great to read your diary some real powerful stuff , your arsenal you now have is well deserved and hard earned something I can relate to and draw from

Castle2

Heyyyyy Sis

No 10 pages story today lol..thank you so much for your kind words. You are very inspiring person and the power to put your thoughts in writing is really admirable. Saying how it is and no pink shades needed to prove something what is not real. Proud of you and even more Proud to walk beside you 🙂

Have a good day and just....... (((((((J))))))) xxx

Morning Joan

It's been too long since I posted upon your thread,for it I apologize,great to see your still gifting yourself some fantastic therapy through your writing and in turn gifting many others too.

It is the first day of autumn here today,a season I adore,the rich colour's everywhere and Salad banished for another year!! lol and the slow cooker will be dusted down ready to be put to good use.

A days rest for me today,addiction hating the fact I stop,take stock,actually look after myself,I will give it a sly poke in the eye for us both!!

No doubt Ed will be pi##ssing down on it when he can!!

Again I am glad to read life treats you and P well.

Keep making the right choice.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Thanks folks!!

Hi E.,

It was a very long week at work this week. I am mentally exhausted. I suppose I didn't get all that much sleep either. Motivating the trainees can be mind numbing at times especially when folks come in with a chip on their shoulders or feel some degree of entitlement. "Do nothing -- get paid", as Bubble used to say....

Eh? Whatever. The other major stressor this week was P's medical appointments. She has a history and we are always on pins and needles until the results of certain tests come back.

When I'm in the Fukitol take me away mindset I think that losing means not having money to gamble on the slots with. Real loss has nothing to do with money wasted on the MF slots. That is just adding insult to injury. We do it to escape and wind up in another prison of our own design. Where we are both the jailed and the jailor.

Addiction is hell. No doubt about that. I am missing you again today. Your Ex does some really nice art and I was actually thinking about asking her if she would do your portrait. Then again, I thought maybe you might hate that so, I let the idea go.

You chose death. You must have thought it was too late for you. I remember that day on the phone when I tried asking you about it all and all you could say was, "joan, I'm am really sick". I should have realized then, that you were giving up on hope. It scares me to think about what loss really means to me and how I might or might not cope. Could I lose hope? I cannot sit here when everything is calm and claim that hopelessness is beneath me. It lives and breathes right beside me and hides in the shadows just waiting. I don't fear gambling demons because I do not believe in them. I fear hopelessness because I have seen it's work.

Breathing in and breathing out. We have plans to visit the little ladies today. They are planning a birthday party for P. One of them had their mom text P to find out what her favorite color was. When P responded purple the report was that the little one was over the moon because she had guessed just that. Purple!!!

I guess that's it for me today. Grateful to be alive. Grateful to have a job. Grateful that I chose not to bankrupt myself last night. Grateful to have the physical energy to mow the lawn. Grateful to have these years with my mom. She drove me nuts for half of my life but, I now realize that I wouldn't be here if not for her. I came through her and survived her. Lol. It's all good.

Missing you E. But, that's all I can do now.. -joanxxxx

Hi Joan,

Thankyou for sharing your post, I know it came from the inner heart and soul.

I read all your posts and all I can say is to have hope and positivity is a very big step forward.

You have that today, because life is good with those thoughts along side of you.

Stay strong and take care.

Suzanne xx.

Hi Joan... interesting what you say about "hope". I have days and periods of time when I don't really have any hope that I will find the courage to make any changes any changes for the better anyway. Thank fully I don't feel that every day and not today.

Well done for resisting the slot temptation once more. May the force continue to be with you. Warm regards... S.A 🙂

Hi E.,

Still sitting on needles and pins waiting for test results. It's so easy to be light and airy when things are going my way. Life, like s**t, just tends to happen. Acceptance. Serenity. yeah. It's a little harder when faced with any degree of adversity.

So, I train myopic sight onto the trees across the way and force myself to notice how beautiful they are this morning all decked out in autumn crimson and gold. In that moment I can again, feel ok. Feel safe knowing that I am here and in my skin and relatively in control of my own behavior.

Thoughts, like life, and s**t, seem to just happen. I can weather a thought until it passes. I don't have to chew until the flavor is gone and then stick it in my hair. A fleeting thought is just that -- a thought. What I make of that thought is what happens. There are things that I cannot change like the s**t in life that happens. But, there are things I can change like my actions upon a particular thought.

Now, a single thread of golden sunshine manages to weave itself through the sullen sky weighted down with worry and grief. Almost like a single tear drop. The very face of Life this mourning, in it's beautiful sadness.

Please God, if there is a God.... -joanxxxx

Hi Joan,

My Mum used to say whatever will be will be, we cannot change how life works, and it is a tough life if we look at the big picture and that is without gambling added on.

Much respect to you and sending big hugs because I can relate to what you are saying,

Sending you strength

((((((J))))))))

Suzanne xx

Sssssiiiiisssttteeerrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

Just a hi and a reminder that you are never far away from my thoughts. Hope P is well and you both having that peace to mind and happiness surrounding you.

All i can do is give ya a wave over the pond and a promise to b here unconditionally.

Look after yourself

((((J)))) xxx

Think health is the worst lottery of all as we are given the ticket and the outcome as with all gambling is random, we have no control.

That said, as with gambling, we can get support and help from so many areas and the sooner the treatment the better the outcome.

So hoping your news is as you wish but worried as we have not heard from you that you are dealing with the scarier parts of life. Whatever is happening my thoughts are with you and P as always.

Wishing you both health and happiness

xxx