Angel From Montgomery

Hi Joan,

Just popping by to send you even more strong and positive thoughts,

Take care and keep safe

Suzanne xxx

Diary:

Well this is all pretty disturbing. What I have learned from this thus far is: someone can write something on their own diary. I can react and say all kinds of offensive sheeit and just blame my reactions on Dan. Hmmm I wonder who might be next? Lovely day in Salem today eh? Glad I was at work.

Diary:

Ha ha ha I had to laugh out loud. Poor P pretty much stays out of all of this BS but says to me "hey, isn't he the guy who actually stopped gambling?" Ha ha now, I don't want to hear a bunch of crying about how much collective abstinence there is out there. I know, I've heard all about it and I have clapped and high fived. I just thought her innocent remark was hilarious that's all. Oh the irony!! 😀

Snigger...high five Sis & P !!! ☺

High 5 back atcha Sis!

Ha ha Thank you P - back to reality with a bump. Heightened sensitivity with itchy and scratchy bouncing about. And breaaaaathe.

xxx

Diary:

I've got to get myself up and going to work but, feel the need to unburden my mind of some residual crud. There has been an element on here that has been dominating the threads for quite some time now. Very recently I swallowed my pride and reached out in my way hoping that maybe by breaking the ice things might change. I was wrong. Bullying is the new norm on here. It is done in such subtle ways that it escapes the forum admin. When folks finally get fed up with it and push back it is they the bullies that cry foul and have admin believing that they are the ones being bullied! Masterful, really. The same crew dominating the threads night after night callously mocking other diarists but done in the most insidious ways. The passive aggression was pretty obvious and I agree with another diarist who wrote the forum exploded like a volcano. If the forum admin feels it must erase my words it is their perogative to do so. I need to get my tired behind to work and I cannot afford to drag this heavy weight with me today. So, I leave it here with you my dear, diary.

Morning Judy and thanks for the input , I've left a couple of messages on your thread and can't say I've ever had a reply before so nice to finally hear from you . You said your not picking a fight and I wasn't picking one last night but that posters buttons definitely didn't need any pressing as they have been in the down position for a long time . But as I said enough now . Have a good day ,

Thank You Alan.

Diary:

Sat at my desk now writing this. In spite of my best efforts to shake this crud off of me it stays. A personal lesson to be learned there I'm sure. I have had my doubts about this cyber open to all diary business. Maybe, some of the recent BS is in part due to honest miscommunication. I have said it before. I will say it again. It is never my intention to hurt anyone. If my words offend you disregard them. And, I do not need anyone to ever come to my defense. I'm a big girl now. I don't need mamma, papa, or older brothers and sisters. I'm sure the intentions are good but, they say whoever they are that "the road to hell is paved with good intentions." I'm gonna take my own advice now and mind my own GD business. My plate is full and I need to get to it ffs! This is a reminder that I am writing this to myself. For myself.

Thanks Joan, I get that you get it. Much of what you write resonates with me too. I feel better now that it's out of my head...one thing I have learnt is that ruminating does me no good. Progress! LB x

Diary: I keep writing and deleting.. Just one of those days. Will leave it alone for now. Will just breathe. I won't gamble. What would be the point?

I write and delete alot. It often means am over-tired or just fed up.

As for gambling, its just an act of self-destruction. Takes us away from ourselves for a while. If only I could keep this in my thick skull 100% of the time.

As you say, when all is said and done, we write for our own benefit and if it happens to help others to then thats a good thing.

Glad your still about

S.A

Thanks SA. I was struggling that's for sure. A good friend I met in here a couple of years ago picked me up and dusted me off. If you're reading friend - you saved me again. Thank you!!

Diary:

Not sure how many days it has been since I have gambled on slots, and I really don't care. What does matter to me is that I did'nt succumb to an urge last night and I lived another day to tell about it. Lots of emotions this week. Some light and some dark. Like most people I'm not laughing all day long but that doesn't mean I'm maudlin either. It is becoming more clearly to me that at the end of the day it doesn't matter how right I was. But, how accepting and understanding of other souls I was. I would much rather be the humble ever fallible leper seeking to heal myself from the inside out. Thank you again SA and dear angel, if you are reading. For now I'm off to see the wizard. There will always be witches and their flying monkeys but, I got my friends in here, my P out there, and these rocking ruby slippers. If you're reading this have a great gamble free day.

makes me smile reading your thoughts. Glad you didn't succumb to an urge last night. In truth I did.

Am full of b******t at the moment. Telling people ive got blocking software on my computer, when in truth it was only the free version which is easy to uninstall. I put an amount on to my usual game on my usual site and started spinning. I doubled my money but I new in myself that I wasn't going to stop, pound by pound it all went. It was inevitable. It wasn't really about money was it. It was about escape. Today it was about escape from a c**P working day where I seemed to get everything wrong. Cycling home ruminating on negative thoughts and generally feeling rubbish. Winning money seemed the answer but switching off was what i craved. being in action was what i wanted. Winning in the first few minutes was not enuff time in action. But how much time is enuff time in action?? Its never enuff.

Sorry to dump this in your diary. It just feels like as a fellow slot gambler, you kind of get it more than most.

Time for me to start getting well once more and start dealing with myself different.

My feet are cold, I need slippers. Ive never owned a pair of slippers

Regards..S.A