Angel From Montgomery

Hi Joan,

Just popping by to wish you and P a calm and safe gambling free weekend.

Take care

Suzanne xxx

Diary:

Anxiety. Mostly around health has me in its icy grip. Living in fear sucks. Reaching for the slots is like reaching for aspirin or maybe something with balls like oxycodone. I'm not going to make excuses. Or come up with elaborate rationalizations. I have some lab tests coming up. A medical appointment on the 19th, and, a diagnostic test coming in June. I'm scared. Over the years since 2003 I have had 3 surgeries because of "something" discovered during a visit or because of a blip on a lab test. We lost Caryl when she was only 47. We lost Ed in 2012 and even though on some level it was inevitable I still haven't completely wrapped my mind around that one. And, my father passed when he was 50. I live in constant fear. It is wearing me out. I have sat with it. I have leaned into it. Written this GD diary. I have walked up and down the 12 steps. I am scared. Gambling is the least of it. For me it's like going on a drinking binge. I stopped drinking when I was ready to let it go. I was much younger than I am now. Maybe I don't see much more ahead of me these days. I am at an age when sheeit does happen. I see a lot of people my age and older hunched over a slot machine pishing money away on slots. Gratitude and positivity do help some days. Neath it all is this fear that I think has a lot to do with not being able to trust anything anyone not even myself. Is addiction just slow suicide? I don't know. " To be, or not to be, that IS the question"..

Diary:

Just after posting a good friend called. She asked how I was and I laughed and said do you we want to know? Funny thing; a good friend does want to know. We got to talking and it was good to be able to tell what kind of crazy I have been up to. And, it was good to hear all about hers. We are all just trying toake our way. I'm gonna be ok and will keep reminding myself that I simply have no control of what is to be. As for trust? That's always going to be an issue for me. I don't have to catastrophise everything. Tomorrow I will be getting a call from my ex ol man. I'm looking forward to that. Now,there are shower curtains and hoppahs to clean. Keep on keeping on til I cant and you're absolutely right Grammie. I will not bother bother. At least not today.

judy wrote:

Diary:

Just after posting a good friend called. She asked how I was and I laughed and said do you we want to know? Funny thing; a good friend does want to know. We got to talking and it was good to be able to tell what kind of crazy I have been up to. And, it was good to hear all about hers. We are all just trying toake our way. I'm gonna be ok and will keep reminding myself that I simply have no control of what is to be. As for trust? That's always going to be an issue for me. I don't have to catastrophise everything. Tomorrow I will be getting a call from my ex ol man. I'm looking forward to that. Now,there are shower curtains and hoppahs to clean. Keep on keeping on til I cant and you're absolutely right Grammie. I will not bother bother. At least not today.

Your right Judy. There are some good friends out there when we let them in. Glad you did. Tri x

Thanks Tri you are right of course. I even tried to finagle a way out of the phone visit today and am so glad I didn't. We had a good talk and am thinking when I see the doc in two weeks I might mention the OCD and ask what she thinks about me starting on a low dose of Celexa. I know it's the running away from uncomfortable feelings ( probably grief) that brought on the agitation and OCD which in turn causes me to want to run away. Gambling on slots 24/7 as irrational as it may sound makes sense when I'm already feeling groundless. The fallout usually financial drama then becomes the new distraction. All of this BS so as to not have to face a difficult feeling like loss. Insanity. K and I did not solve all of the problems in the world. But, to know someone no, to be friends with someone as long as we have.. We met when I was 16. That's 40 years. What a gift! Anyway ramble over for now.

Hi Joan, how are you feeling today? I won't say that I understand how things are for you because we're all different, but I can relate to what you say about death, grief and living in constant fear. My Mum died at 56 and my sister when she was 48. My Dad was 73 when he died (so an old man compared to them) and there was long list of cousins and friends who died, all at very young ages. For a long time it felt like death was always just around the corner and my life felt consumed by grief and loss. I spent years missing them and mourning what might/should have been, but also scared that I was next. Every lump or bump was a worry, and I started to become scared of flying, driving, tunnels.I was slowly but surely closing down my life, in an attempt to keep safe. Gambling became a safety net. It gave me a way to escape the uncomfortable feelings and block out the pain, and something to fill the time that would have been taken up going out. It doesn't sound irrational to me. In some ways, I can see that my brain was actually trying to protect itself and I'm kind of grateful that I took that path rather than drugs or drink .People who haven't experienced the loss of someone close can't understand just how much it hurts and I think it's made worse when they die so young.It makes you realise that actually it doesn't just happen to other people, it's not just something that you read about or hear about in a conversation. It's real and it's painful and so it made me more heightened to it. Of course, the irrational part is that we're trying so hard to protect ourselves or numb the feelings that we're wasting our own lives. Precious hours that we'll never get back...self-inflicted pain. I realised that part of the ongoing gambling cycle was about me unconciously keeping myself in a pain that I was familiar with and that I knew I could handle. When the slots go, I have to face up to whats left and some of that is the unresolved grief and loss. I've no answers for you my friend (I think you already know what the answers are for yourself) but I was talking this morning with my oldest and closest friend. Her husband died nearly 2 years ago at 50, leaving her with two young children. Herself and the kids have had a lot of counselling and support from the hospice, both in the year before he died and in the time since and it really shows. She is so emotionally stable. Still grieving, still sad but she has never run away from her grief. Anyway, she was saying how they explained it to the kids...that the loss is like a bubble and at first it seems enormous and takes up a huge amount of space, but over time your life starts to fill with other things and even though the bubble is stil there it starts to seem smaller. They will always have the loss of their daddy...the bubble will still be the same...but everything else around them is becomes more and bigger and so life is better and that's how you are able to carry on living. And I thought that made perfect sense and it kinda helped me with the question I used to ask over and over "how do I let it go?". I don't, but I've learnt, and am still learning, to grow my life around it.

Keep talking about it. Keep addressing it. Keep close to that friend of yours...she sounds like a blessing.

LB x

Feel free to ramble on my diary whenever you wish to. I haven't read your diary from the start, but some of the things you've shared and many of your thoughts resonate with me. Strangely enough, I was just cleaning the bathroom (I know how to live) and I was thinking about people who enable. I know that for my husband, he honestly didn't (doesn't) know the full extent of how bad I was feeling or how far in I was...mostly because I wasn't fully honest with him. He always said that he couldn't really understand how I felt as he'd never experienced the pain and grief of such loss. He could undesratnd the need to block it out though and so in a way he was tacitly agreeing to me gambling. He didn't condemn me for it, and he understood where the need came from, so that in a way gave me a green light. He wasn't coming from a bad place (I was always think that enabler has unhelpful conotations), he was nothing but loving and supportive but I think he genuinley didn't know how else to help me. I totally understand P when she says she just wants you to be happy and so goes along with it if gambling tokens or sweet treats seems to do that for you. The truth is (as we both know) that it doesn't make us happy. Not in the long run. It just puts off or prolongs the agony. Ed's death is still very recent. It's really not easy to process all this "stuff" on our own. I've always assumed you've had therapy/counselling...could it be time for some more? Or are you all talked out? I've done mine in 3 seperate phases and I'm now finding that being on here is helping me tie up the loose ends. I think (hope) that this is my fourth and final stage and the jigsaw is nearing completion. Yours will too.

I'm glad you've had the conversation with P. It can only be a good thing. You say it's not a great day, but after that talk it may just turn out to be one of your best ever days...you just don't realise it yet.

KOKO. LB x

Hi Sis,

Just dropping by with huge massive cup of tea and a hug!
How is things your way? Hope you're feeling a little calmer and no earthquakes under your feet..

Sometimes i don't know what to say...equality sometimes i don't need to say anything for you to know that I'm here & by your side unconditionally.

Look after yourselves

Thank you L.B. and, Sis.

Diary:

Have been laying low this past week. Exhausted by all my obsessive worrying. Still, how refreshing it was to read around the forum. Such genuine warmth, honesty, and healing going on!! I just want to hug the whole darn ( I never say darn) forum. (((((GC ))))) Anyway, still plugging along but feel very very raw and low. This is me without my gambling blanket on. But, it's me and that's ok I guess. I gotta get myself ready for work. I know folks are probably tired of reading about blonde pony tail tyrant but, I'm still trying to figure out how to work along side of this lovely apparently very entitled millennial. She needs a lot of praise it seems and my old school ways are definitely being challenged. I hear change is good. Grrrrrrrr....

Diary:

Got thru the work week. Some panic here and there but nothing debilitating. Still lots of health related obsessing but not trying to escape it thru gambling. Maybe reaching for food when I'm not hungry but allow one day a week so am looking forward to healthier choices today. Still being led around by all of the chatter in my mind. Some days I feel like I'm adrift on a vast ocean. Other days I feel trapped inside of a house of mirrors. "Free your mind, and the rest will follow". Yup...

Afternoon Joan , I just wanted to stop off and apologise for lashing out at you the other week , I think I was spitting feathers over the previous evenings antics and if it hadn't been you then someone else would have felt my wrath .

You shouldn't have been on receiving end of my anger , which I now deeply regret .

I'm glad youv'e made it through your week ok and wish you the very best in your continued recovery .

Best wishes and sincerest apologies .

Alan

Hi Joan

This is your safe space. Share away what you need to. If anyone doesn't want to read it, they can stop. Proud of you for doing what you need to do. Tri x

Thank you Alan and Tri. Alan, I couldn't find your diary so if you are reading know that I certainly accept your apology but really didn't think one was necessary. There was a lot of "stuff" flying that night from all directions. Anyway, thank you as always for your support.

Diary:

I'm back after spending the majority of my morning reading up on all kinds of terminal diseases. I think I have gone completely insane. My actual appointment with my Primary care doc is Thursday and a discussion about pills for depression, anxiety, and OCD, is imminent. I can't live this way. I am already trying to talk myself into a Fukitol state so as to justify taking money out of a reserve credit account. I tell myself If I'm gonna die then Fukitol! I might as well have a grand old time. It's selfish. It's senseless. It's a waste of time and money. I will despise myself afterwards. I already know this. I literally want to crawl under a rock. So sick of myself. Lucky for P she has been away to New York at a conference. She doesn't have to see me staring at spots on my skin or looking up lab values or whatever the S***e else I have been up to. Thank you Tri for reminding me that I can write this stuff down without feeling like a complete j**k. I just want to put it out there. I have turned into a quivering loon over nothing and I want to gamble about it. I will take it a minute at a time today. One GD minute at a time!

Hi Joan, sometimes we talk ourselves into messing up don't ya think? So its probably a good thing that youve got it out and shared it with the world. Reserve credit cards... Ive had a few of those over the years. In case of emergencies! Makes me laugh just thinking about them, in a slightly sick addict like way.

As you say, if you did the deed, you'd feel rubbish after, just as I would. The only solution is not to do it. Tell the f**k it head to f**k off!

One day at a time, one minute as needed.

Take care, keep well... S.A

Thanks SA!

Diary:

Got thru the day yesterday without succumbing to the call of the slots. This morning P and I had a nice picnic breakfast and poured out all of our worries of the day, days gone by, and days yet to come. We know that alone we are ok because we would have to be but, together we are better and we can get eachother through anything. Reaching out to the slots is an impulse. This morning we both admitted that we thought about running away. We also know this is simply not an option. Easy dose it just for today. Handing money over to the casino bosses solves absolutely nothing. Putting ourselves financially behind the eight ball just increases the burden. Instead of running away we decided to run to eachother. Hand in hand we will face the world and this life and whatever it has to toss at us. The past is behind us. The choices we make today will shape our destiny. I think I finally understand those simple words. "Stepping forward, never back."