Angel From Montgomery

Breathe and enjoy !!!!!

xxx

Hope picnic was one of the best! Was riding around earlier today, soaking the sun rays in after the storm...felt peaceful...you popped in mind ☺....some great feeling to be had huh...sun, peace, calm, LIFE....these lil things matters the most Sis & you're out there taking it in buckets! Good to stay alongside ya ☺

S x

Hi Joan, thanks for your post. I didn't see it as ramble...feel free to share your thoughts anytime. I like the insights (and the company).

The difference between guilt and shame that you talk about makes absolute sense to me and I can see that although the difference is subtle, the outcome isn't. Suprisingly, given my many cognitive distortions, feeling shame isn't one of them. Not about gambling...or about anything else for that matter. There are some things that I wish I'd done differently or that I regret and a few feelings of guilt, but not shame. Phew, at least I'm getting something right 🙂 I suppose my musings about blame and fault are connected to the same group of emotions as guilt and shame, but they are different somehow. I think (for me) it probably all comes back to the idea of motivation or teaching myself to do things differently. When I was 13 I was assaulted. It wasn't something I spoke to anyone about (until I went into therapy, where I dealt with it completely and fully). I really don't think it affects me any longer and I feel totally at peace with what happened, but the bit that I still question is my reaction. I never at any stage blamed anyone (not even the man who did it) but only myself. It was my fault. If I hadn't have gone with him, It wouldn't have happened. I should have known better."You only have yourself to blame".Nobody said that to me...but that's what I said to myself. It's strange, and makes no sense, but that's how it was. I don't know why I'm putting this all down now.Something in there somewhere...just got to figure it out and turn it around. My turn to ramble on your diary. Sorry, but thank you. It feels safe here.

Anyway, I hope you had a good time with the kids at the weekend. Got to be better than scrubbing a hopper (I still don't know what that means!). Keep well. LB x

Thanks for taking the risk. I appreciate it, and so does the 13 year old. It did take a while, but I really am ok with it now. The adult me always knew that it wasn't my fault, but the child me didn't. Reconciling the two was painful but worthwhile and I feel much better for it. I guess that when I'm looking at fault and blame that time surfaces as it's the biggest example in my life of blaming myself. I hope I didn't spark anything for you and I'm sorry if I did. I'm not sure I like the idea of 5 books worth of thoughts and emotions flooding your brain.

On a lighter note...A toilet bowl? I'd never have guessed that. This may sound a bit out there, but my brain has conjured up images of many of the people on here whose diaries I read or comment on. In my mind's eye, you live on a large plot (a couple of acres) with a few chickens, maybe a goat...in the evenings you and P are out on your verandah (wearing a check shirt) listening to crickets and all is calm and peaceful. So for me, the hopper had to be some type of farmyard machinery...maybe a grain store...never a bleeding lavatory bowl! Which probably goes to show that I need to get out more 🙂

Thanks for your thoughts. LB x

Diary:

Another week done and gone. What did I accomplish? Not much. I suppose not gambling is something. It's obvious to me that all this new found ( although actually old) neurosis is a product of too much time on my hands. Idle brain. When I stopped drinking I remember making model cars. Sounds stupid but it was therapeutic. It kept me busy and focused. Now I sit and stare at a mole on my face and wonder if it's cancer. I sit and worry about P and if today is the day she will never come home from work. Some old gal I work with was murdered by her own husband leaving their little girl without parents and their brand new home to stand in stunned silence. Back in my drinking days I would use a tragedy like that as excuse to get drunk. The older I get the more I understand the senselessness of life at times. I used to think that everything had to fit or make sense. Without an answer I feel groundless. Not a good feeling at all. Anxiety is born and more useless groundless thoughts begin to vaporize. I pick one or two to obsess on and the once harmless mist begins taking on shape. Compulsive behaviors like staring into a mirror at a sun spot or staring at the iPhone wondering why P hasn't texted start to take over my very life. She should be there by now.. Where is she???Gambling on a slot machine is medicine or so I thought. The adverse effects on my pocket, my spirit, my whole life for that matter, now have me seeking out cleaner solutions. There seems to be a lot of alternate medicine out there: GA, CBT, ACT, mindfulness, meditation, therapy, tablets, and the list goes on- don't know where this ramble is leading today. Just that I am learning a little bit more every day and as the song goes "getting closer to fine". When I hear about some old gal bailing out their gambling addled spouse I want to scream but, I cry instead. I hate this addiction. I hate what it does to us. I hate feeling groundless and the seemingly senselessness of life some days but, I will walk on one step at a time. One d**n day at a time.

P.S. " neuroses is temporary; sanity, is permanent." Some old monk said that I think..

Diary:

Gambling demon monkies itchy and scratchy really f*****g bugging me today. Useless, mindless, waste of an activity! All I can do is sit and wait for these urges to pass. Did the laundry and grocery shopping after lunch. Movie and popcorn planned for tonight. Gambling is bull sheeeeeit!

Hi Sis,

Gambling is indeed buuuuulllssshhhiittteeee..don't go there sweets, & you're right - urges pass, they are only thoughts!
I managed to get early half marathon in this morning and get rid of the last few days adventures occupying my head.
Kind of worked...what next - keep working at positivitiiieeeeee lol

Ya get my drift! Dark place has no light ahead, why to wonder in the arms of danger?

You are doing great..keep screaming & kicking & swearing & laughing & & & & ....anything ya like - just keep up the belief intact!

S x

Heh heh..if I'm around that means I'm not gambling - I'll take that ☺

Listen, we all have days like that! The main thing is to keep clear head on no matter how hard it is.

I did too much damage to tecover emotionally and really don't want to see you or any other person going down that path.
You know the outcome of gambling - horrible horrible feeling.
Keep fighting, use your diary, go for a walk, cook or just breathe... (i heard it helps 😉 )

One minute at a time if needed..stay strong, stay safe. ..it will b worth it ☺

Hi Joan. Hope itchy and scratchy are leaving you alone today. Is there something about Fridays? I noticed that they were visiting you last Friday too. And how I understand those idle thoughts turning to cancer, death, tradgedy. Catastrophising. Last week my son was unwell. His autism makes his speech very difficult to understand...my thoughts went from me being worried about taking him the doc/hospital and it stressing him out to what will happen to him when I die which led onto an imaginary death pact where I get cancer and I take him with me, just so as not to leave him behind alone and vulnerable. Catastrophising as an art form. On the plus side, like you, I now realise when I'm doing it. What do you do to help with it? Have you found any of the things you mentioned helpful? (mindfulness, CBT, ACT etc).

And a week without gambling seems like an accomplishment to me...I'd count it as more than a "not much"

LB x

Thanks for your thoughts and support LB. Unfortunately, I did slip. I won't go into the sordid details but I won't lie either. What's done is done. To some this might look like futility. Maybe it is just me running in circles. Understand dear diary I am not looking for any sympathy. I am not looking to be saved. When thoughts materialize into threats I still reach for a distraction. I do stop eventually. Now that I am consciously aware of how far I might go, blocks have been proven at least in my case to be helpful. I wouldn't go throwing the baby out with the bath water... When the temptation to screw my fellow man out of a few bucks crosses my mind these days I no longer follow up on the urge. I take my medicine. I steal only from myself. I know what I am when I'm in the grip of addiction. I will not commit or subscribe to any churches run by people. Why do I take a beating? I don't know.. Why in that moment is playing a silly game more important than anything or anyone else? I don't know. The sun shines on me today and I am not cold. I am not sad. I am not numb. In a few weeks I will see my doctor. She will tell me my weight is up and that my heart is well on its way to be broken. I will tell her what I always tell her. My heart is already broken.

Hi Judy , just read your post and although I can't offer much in advice as youv'e heard it a thousand times before , I'm just sending thought's and a little love to help heal the broken heart !.

Best wishes , Enjoy that sun and look after you !.

Alan

Hi Sis,

Just letting you know that I'm here and always listening.

"....ooohhhhh....if sky comes falling down for you - there's nothing in this world i wouldn't do!"

Look after yourself

Thank you Alan and Sis for your kindness. Much appreciated!

Morning diary,

Nothing like a little spritz of holy water to get the slimey lime green pea soup flying and the heads -o-spinning. I know who I am when I'm in the grips of addiction. I too used to fly off the handle when I thought folks were rubbing salt in my wounds. I try not to feed that wolf any more. I don't always succeed in starving him either but, like Sis, I will never give up on giving it up. Waxing a little apocalyptic this morning I suppose and that is because I can. In an hour or so, I have to put my big girl clothes on and drag myself into work. It's good to be alive though with something purposeful to do and someone else to think/care about besides myself. Today, the sun shines on me and everyone else.

I wasn't sad that you slipped...and it doesn't look like futility to me...I was just sad that you were in a place emotionally that allowed you to slip. "I will tell her what I always tell her. My heart is already broken." I have no words for that, but it was profound.

Glad today sees you in a better place. LB x