Angel From Montgomery

Diary:

Sigh.. Got up this morning and started up with obsessive thoughts. I have learned that It doesn't matter what they are about: P on a plane. P driving home. The boiler. A spot on the side of my moms head. A spot on my own leg... If not one thing it will be another. Anyway, I too got myself a couple of those adult coloring books that K speaks so highly of. I don't want to brag, but, I also have a fine set of gel pens. 48 colors! When I was getting off the booze I used to make model cars.. Anyway, not gonna spoil the weekend for us by obsessing. One last check of the spot and its onto an intricate drawing of Taurus! maybe a little fishing later. One thing I won't be doing and that's stuffing the slots and making the casino bosses fatter off of my hard earned!

Diary:

Did the grocery shopping. Not nearly as hot as it was yesterday. May have a little lunch and hang out in the yard. Having some thoughts but not true urges. Nothing I can't push through. Have decided that the every 6 month mammograms might be what's triggering some of the health anxiety. Keep trying to tell myself that it's just the sensitivity of the tests now a days and the fact that the radiologists are so paranoid about lawsuits... Does no good to try and ignore the thoughts or to tell them to f**k off. They just come back. So, again, I just write and write hoping that if I give these thoughts this space that I can again have a little bit of peace. I can no longer use gambling on slots as a means to this end because it only causes another layer or two of trouble. Can't lob a rock at my window and then cry that it's broken.. Turkey on white with avocado and tomato sounds good..

48?!? Aww man, I think I feel like Betha when that swanky new air conditioning unit arrived (sigh) 😉

Thanks ODAAT, and Julie!

Diary:

Memorial Day. Holiday weekends historically speaking were always big gambling weekends. We would burn through anywhere from 800 to 1500 dollars. We never won anything because we never ever brought any winnings home. If we did win we never won enough to cover what we started with. The point being there was no point to it other than to be in the action. Emergence from the gambling fog was always the same. Guilt and shame. Anger and self beatings. Despondency and of course denial. Denial often leading to more fantasies about winning. One more spin and we can make it like it never happened.... A vicious cycle. An addict must come to a realization that they have been trully beaten before moving forward. In the beginning, blocks were for me like being tied to a chair. Like Houdini I always found a way out. I smoked and drank too. Cigarettes are accessible and so is booze. I don't do either anymore. Will power alone does not work but it is a peice of the puzzle. For me close examination of my own character. My own flaws has given me a better understanding why for example trust and committment doesn't come easy. Addicts in addiction are very similar but the person behind the disease is an individual. I'm not a bad person but I am flawed. I'm not and never will be perfect but one thing I know as intimately as the moles on my skin 🙂 is that gambling and losing money on slots does not help or get me any closer to being ok. So onward I go. I will continue to stand down the urge to gamble but what folks say is true. Once you get past the first 100 or so of them.. Maybe 1000 ... I dunno whatever time it takes to get my brain chemistry back to where it was before I began marinating in dopamine.. Anyway, another ramble. I find talking to myself in the form of diary writing very therapeutic. Keep on writing. Keep on writing. Keep on writing.... 😀

Is it wrong that I'm glad to see you have identified James as the 'inferior species' 😉 & sparkles...I WANT some!

And as for that last post, I get exactly what you mean about acceptance of being truly beaten...All the time I harboured the delusion that I was not addicted/like other addicts, that I could march into a Bookies with £100 & make my million or even just lose it & leave, I couldn't move forwards. I can't compare my life with yours or anyone who has suffered real shoite but now I know I am allergic to Mr Gamble, it's much easier to live without him!

Diary:

Dreams about tornadoes last night leave me feeling guarded and strange this morning. A lot like the weather before a tornado hits. Tornadoes are deadly unpredictable forces of nature. Had a talk with P over this past weekend about my feelings of emotional unsafety and where they might come from. We are both pretty certain that they may be triggered by my 81 year old mom being here. She's harmless at this point but my present and past seem to be colliding. I'm not a big fan of modern psychology. Well let's say I'm skeptical. I cringe whenever I here "little child within". But, my obsessive thoughts at times do remind me of an inconsolable screaming child. These thoughts and subsequent feelings of fear and flight have nothing to do with the present. They are groundless. Like shadows and yet I can find myself at times paralyzed by them. My mother hasn't changed a bit over the years. I suppose she has an excuse for just sitting around these days, but what about back then? I often wondered just where in the hell she was??? She was home but, never there. I think my ease of disassociation in times of stress is something I learned from her. My mother is a very smart person. She is also a survivor. But, the truth is, she left us when me and Ed needed her the most. She was there in body only and on weekends even her body was MIA. No apologies for this rant this morning. I'm grateful to you dear diary for being here for me to pour this goo into. I'm off today so will no doubt be back. When I'm here dumping I'm not in a numbed out state stuffing twenties into an insatiable slot machine. Shhh, I'm listening for Itchy and Scatchy. I don't hear them. An eerie calm or just plain peace? Sometimes I really cannot tell. I wish I could relax in the peace but I still have to learn how to trust it..

More:

Serenity or the calm before the storm? I can never tell so I sit in a state of cautious pessimism. My mind whispers to me "something baaaad is gonna happen.... " But, the truth is, something bad doesn't happen. Most of the time - time passes uneventfully. I often wonder if this isn't why I choose something in the present reality to focus on. To pin it on. In order to make this groundless feeling more real. Like a spot on my body or impending disaster for P on her way into work.

My father's rage was unpredictable. But, if I happened to be in his path I would fall victim to a verbal assault of epic proportions. When I was anywhere from five or six years old he was already referring to me as a "broad". Sometimes "mouthy broad" at other times "dumb broad". He didn't like women much. He for some reason refrained from physically kicking me or pushing me. Sometimes, I secretly wishes he would have. The verbal abuse was brutal. Never ever predictable and never ever any physical evidence to prove it happened. Nobody could see the bruises left on my heart. However, if he was drinking, the conditions were likely to produce a funnel cloud or two. Tornados often touched down at dinner time on weekends when he was loaded. Over time we learned how to avoid his wrath on the weekends. I remember after an assault my mother trying desperately to explain his behavior to me. I was too young to understand. By the time I was 16 I started having unpredictable rage fits of my own. I was desperately afraid of those feelings so I learned how to stuff them down. I swore I would never have children of my own for fear I would become the abuser. I never did. At that time I "used" food and alcohol. Diary, this c**P is hard to write so, need a break. Don't know if I will come back to you or not but for now. I need a break..

Lastly:

Serenity or the calm before the storm? Serenity. I choose serenity. I have the ability and therefore choice to drop anchor in the past. Or, I can look at the beautiful orchid P gave to me for my birthday and take deep breaths. I can practice living in the now, and I can learn to trust my feelings. The past happened. When the inconsolable screeching baby cries I can acknowledge her. Be sorry for her. But, it has been a very long time since I have been that child. Enough. Breathe. Is enough. Breathe. I choose serenity.

PS the Orchid's name is Perg. No deep meanings. Someone in my class was named Perg. We originally called her Dorothy but the name didn't stick like Perg. So, Perg it is. Loll:-D

Take a break Joan but be safe in the knowledge that even though the memories are painful, the past is not the present! It's not shameful that you wanted some proof of how much his words hurt you, a shiny black eye, a cut lip, worse, hell maybe even hoping that the sight of blood or injury would have stopped him in his tracks, maybe even bought on an apology, it's common. Domestic violence victims sometimes report nit picking to reach the pinnacle of an assault because the psychological stuff can last for weeks but generally a good beating means a break of some sorts 🙁 I don't know about your side of the water but the UK have finally recognised that the psychological torture inflicted by abusers is real & our domestic violence legislation covers it now! It's no consolation for what you went through, it won't change your past but use it to accept that you weren't a crazy broad of any description, your Dad was a bad man. Your mum may have tried to 'explain' his behaviour, in my opinion to justify to herself why she wasn't protecting you but she couldn't make you understand because there is no excuse for that! I feel that the decision you made not to have children may have been a painful one but I completely understand it & applaud you for it. I was a mistake (a glorious one of course) but my sister was planned...A gambler & a drug addict, what the hell were they thinking & more to the point, how on earth did we both turn out so ok?!? I guess in a way, your parents are the same...They may have failed you inside but to the outside world you are a successful lady. Looking back her dad was a bully, a control freak, mentally obsessed with passing on his blood line (I'm sure there's a name for it) & I guess by having children with 'his women' he was branding them? We learn behaviour from our adults but we're not them because we are doing something about it!

Keep working your recovery Joan - ODAAT

Soz, typing whilst you were...Hope I didn't drag you back down!

I like those choices...Serenity and Perg 🙂

Never mind obsessing about the Stepen King haters, turn your attention to the followers that read & think thank f**k it's not just me...Lots of people out there without your strength Joan!

& as for those spots, hate to ask the obvious but you think they could be age related?

K I reposted on your diary but got to thinking.

Diary:

Again, I often wonder if I don't confuse possibility and probability. Just because something happened once doesn't mean it's gonna happen again. There is probability. Anything is possible. I could get struck by lightning and the possibility increases under certain conditions but it is still highly unlikely that I wont. When I'm obsessing it's usually around an unlikely outcome.on the other hand the risk of me getting certain cancers is higher now at my age than it was say when I was 30. I also do things that I shouldn't like over eating.... So, where did I land around this sheeit? Some of my fears are grounded in the present reality. Most of them are not. So, what seems to be working is talking through it and doing a lot of mindfulness exercises. The worst thing I could ever do is gamble. So an important connection has been made. Will I substitute gambling with another compulsion? Will have to see. I'm livin and learnin.

Hi Sis,

Yes, the worst thing you could do is gambling so please please keep that mindfulness going, look into your thoughts, aknowledge them and move on.
For me big C word is something i have to b mindful about also..chain smoking, my Mum's past of having her breasts hugely reduced due to some findings..her sister giving in to cancer and the list goes on. It can be inherited also so to limit your fears, best to go and do regular check ups. I sometimes look at my body and see "suspicious" findings i never had before..it doesn't really affect me....i am more scared of what addictions are doing to me...& that's slow death without verdict... at this point i would prefer it quicker but hay ho, all i can manage is to get on my knees and ask for some guidance..

Please stay strong and safe, keep talking and sharing, people relate to your thoughts. You are really amazing & inspiring soul - share it, don't be scared to voice yourself at any time you want to.

Hugs Sis...love to you and ur family, I'm proud of you.

Sandra x

Diary:

Beautiful day. Bbq ribs for supper. Deadliest Catch on tv later. Who could ask for more?

Now, is that a rhetorical question or do you really want me to answer it 😉