Angel From Montgomery

Diary:

This old aching lower back. This upper respiratory virus from hell. Politics- be it office, world, or social media. Yeah, all of that is part of my reality. My 8 y/o niece's dad hooked her up with his old iPhone. What that means is she can text her old auntie from wherever, whenever. She texted me last thing before laying her sweet head down to sleep last night and first thing this morning. I have that precious little unicorn in my life. Nothing else seems to matter. I feel like Ebeneezer Scrooge on Christmas morning! Ha ha ha 😀

Hi Sis,

Massive hug coming your way, hope you're feeling better!

Stay safe & keep being kind to you

S x

Thanks Sis. A big fat hug right back atcha.

Diary:

Our 78 year old boiler dear Bertha died this morning. Apparently she cracked during the night and bled out all of her water. Thankfully she didn't dry boil and explode... we loved that old girl. She was one of the family. We will be forever grateful for all of her hard work over all of the years we have lived here and for all of those prior. Goodbye old friend. We will miss you.

RIP Bertha you & your heating magic will be missed

Thanks Dan!

Diary:

I could cry me a river but will take a page out of Freda's diary instead and take a moment to list what I am grateful for:

I survived a nasty upper respiratory infection. Yay immune system.

We were approved for a home improvement loan that will cover the costs of a spanking new mini split ductless heating system. When one door closes another door does open!

The weather outside has been mild. Three cheers for a mild late fall!

I am back to work and earning a fair wage for the hard work I put in! It's nice to see money in the bank!

Communications between the pony tailed tryrant and I have improved massively. It pays off being patient, open, warm, and creative. She's young and new and has a lot to prove to herself. I remember being young and new.

I am always grateful for my family and friends. Its nice to have hands to offer and hands to hold onto!

Diary:

It was during times of emotional highs and lows that I found myself reaching for the Novocain. So, essentially I didn't want to feel anything. I had settled for numb. No pain, no extacy and nothing in between. When I took my first steps and ventured outside my bubble it was an emotional free for all. I was all over the place. I was was a quivering blob of nerves and feelings. Emotions came on like tidal waves. I have been working on emotional regulation for awhile now. Patrice's brush with cancer. My brother dying. Having my mom living with us. My baby niece developing leukemia. My undergoing six months survellience for a wonky mammogram. All teachings. All life lessons. Opportunities to learn. I can't brag about hundreds of consecutive days when I did not gamble. I gambled off and on throughout these trials. I'm getting better. A little bit better every day. Today I want to avoid gambling because I know it for what it is. A set back. Like when I had major abdominal surgery and was told not to lift objects more than 50 pounds or take the stairs or vacuum. I pushed it one day and knew what they meant. I thought I was going to die. I set my healing back. I had to be patient with my body and the healing process. Same thing with this s**t now. I guess I'm just rambling now but, I know what I mean.

More:

Just one of those days where the ol diary gets a workout. I was thinking: I was taught to not trust my feelings. When I had them they were often invalidated by my narcissistic father. The narcissists I meet along the road today can bring out some very raw emotions. Again, just Life once again showing me the path forward. I have to trust myself. I have to trust my feelings and what I know...

Diary:

Emotional regulation and moderation. If I am completely abstinent from gambling I'm more than likely making bad food choices and over eating. If I am dieting I'm likely over spending at the store or at the casino. Alcohol and tobacco are a part of my past. Never got into drugs but, if I had access to opioids I would probably reach for them. Would I get addicted? I don't know..The frustration of jumping from one compulsion to another has led me to believe that for me complete abstinence will probably never work. I know I'm already a bit of a leper on here anyway so, will saying these things get me into hot water?? Meh? I'm fighting for my life here just like everyone else. For me, it's about managing my emotions. All the other stuff the compulsive behaviors are symptoms. I don't choose gambling over going to work but, I have such tremdous anxiety in anticipation prior to going in. Worse case scenarios play inside of my brain all day. Fear, anxiety, stress and the subsequent release of cortisol are bigger threats to my life than gambling will ever be. Unless you suffer from some form of ptsd you could never understand how paralyzing my fear is at times. When I was on my dieting kick I gave up potato chips among other things. I abstained. About a year into the diet I had lost a significant amount of weight and my doctor was soooo pleased. My niece got sick and I started slipping back into old hanits. I gained all the weight back. Today, I have a bag of chips on the counter. If I crave them I allow myself to have a small bowl. In other words I don't sit with the whole bag. I can see the eyes rolling ... ha ha .. I have lived for 56 years in this skin. I smoked, and drank very hard. Had I kept on I would be dead by now. The point is, I'm a survivor. There is something inside of me that pushes on. Compulsions take hold when I stop allowing myself to feel and trust. Anyway my day counter must be nearing 20,000.. I don't expect people to agree with me.. it's time I stop dancing around the real issues.

Morning Diary,

I'm coping. Sometimes one minute at a time. And, it's not gambling urges that threaten my existence/recovery. Most days it's changes. I am learning to cope with life's inevitable changes. I have used food and smoking and drinking and gambling as a means to ground myself. Believing they could give me the security I craved. Today I'm learning how to trust myself. How to provide myself with that security and grounding that I sought through compulsive behaviors and sometimes through other people. Dorothy, the tin man, the lion, and the scarecrow already had the gifts they were willing to die for. They just didn't know it. The journey is about discovery and there is something we all need to learn or we wouldn't be here. Not the forum. Here meaning on this planet. None of us have all of the answers because the answers are always changing. And, that's ok. I'm feeling a little bit better about that every day.

Diary:

Operating on semi-frayed nerves. I say semi because I'm not at Ativan levels. Yet. I'm extremely noise sensitive. I'm trying to get used to the noise level of "Putz". That's what we have named our new mini split unit. I'm petrified of a noise level outside that may upset a neighbor. The reality is that it is not that loud. I have a niece the sister of the little one with cancer. She is selectively mute and easily startled. I can see so much of myself in her ( myself when I was her age). Her ma is a lot like my dad was with us. Always charming and affable to those he encountered on the outside world and a complete disaster behind closed doors. What does this have to do with Putz? A lot. I don't want to get in trouble. I'm grown. No longer a helpless child and I am petrified of getting in trouble! I completely connect with why I thought I needed medication in the form of food, alcohol, nicotine, and slot machines. Next: a lady friend of my brother who passed away 4 years ago at this very time of the year has decided it's time to start texting, emailing, and calling. She has a beef with my two brothers and she's trying to drag me into it! w*f????? Why after four years? What's wrong with this person? They weren't even together when my brother died (or killed himself). I'm thinking she might be harboring some guilt that she might want to unload. Do I want to just run away for awhile? Of course I do!! So, here's some advice to myself: you're getting used to the new heating system. Give it time. Focus on the positives. The house is warm and it's only 19 degrees outside. Putz is working his little b**t off. If it's too noisy and the neighbor complains cross that bridge when it comes. Why imagine worst case scenarios?? As for Ed's estranged girl friend? She left a message for you to call her today. Call her this once but have her on speaker phone and Patrice with you. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Let her speak her peace. After that I am no longer obligated to respond. I wish her no ill will but I do not desire to have her in my life either. As for her beef with my brothers? I can't offer any information. She will have takenit up directly with them and if they choose to not respond that is their choice. It feels a little better getting this all out on the diary. Feeling a little bit more in control and not so fearful and raw. In a much better mindset to make choices.

Not the best week. In terms of emotional balance I wouldn't say I was in the red but, not where I wanted to be. In other words, not depleted but, too close for comfort. Still trying to get used to the new heat pump. Not at all what I'm used to. I don't trust it. Still pushing through irrational thoughts and fears of a neighbor coming to my door with complaints and physical abuse. It's insane. But, these thoughts are in my head. Had that mammo on Friday and was certain I would be getting a biopsy for Christmas this year. I write all this s**t down and in here so that the people I love don't have to hear about it 24/7. Thank god for this diary. It used to upset me when people commented about "doom and gloom" posts. I used to feel extreme guilt for not posting on other diaries or for not participating in peoples parties. f**k all that! Facing down my fears hasn't been a light hearted process. At times it's been pure hell. What I know is if I don't manage my anger, fears, real or imagined it's down the rabbit hole I go. A flutter or two on a slot machine these days is no longer what directly threatens my sanity or my life. "Go ahead and hate your neighbor, go ahead and cheat a friend ( as long as I didn't gamble) you can justify it in the end. But, there won't be any trumpets blowing come the judgement day. On the bloody morning after. One tin soldier rides away". This week I will try to be more present. Less impatient and controlling. Express more gratitude. Make it all less about ME ffs! I will try harder.

I was just thinkin if I wasn't such a selfish woos I would walk over to the neighbor's and ask him if he could hear the outdoor unit. The guy just lost his wife in August. She died of lung cancer. We were never "friendly". There was bad blood between this guy and the folks we bought the house from. The culture of "mind your own business" sort of just carried over. For all I know he's a nice guy.. will have to give this some more thought

It was only him and his wife. Wonder what he will be doing for Christmas this year? Is it even my business?? Maybe I will make the first move..

Sounds like a wonderful plan Joan

Sis!!! My lovely soldier!

Hope you're feeling better and sharing those smiles & peace with the world! I can feel it so yup....THANK YOU!

Have a very merry Xmas lovely & keep looking after yourself & yours ☺

S x