Angel From Montgomery

Hey Joan, lovely to see you 🙂

No apology needed unless I owe you one? I can't remember it properly now & am definitely not offended, I think it was more shock & then I didn't want to risk hurting you by being me. I'm working on not being so me (guh indeed eh?)! I guess from your post, this has been festering & for that I'm sorry for the complete misread...I'm such an r*e @ times! You really do have incredible strength & I hope you find your way across the street & quell another fear.

Merry Christmas my friend to you & yours (past & present) - Kelly

Thank you Kelly!

Diary I haven't got much to say to you today other than I'm grateful to be spending Christmas Eve with my nieces. They still both believe in Santa Clause and even for an old crab like myself there's still a little magic left. 2016 hasn't been a good year for a lot of people. There is still so much suffering. I suppose there always will be. Acknowledging that doesn't mean I am being all doomy and gloomy. Just in between the choruses of "jingle bells" I weave a little "Amazing Grace" for all of us. One day at a time.

Although we may of had a bit of a spat earlier in the year.
As I've said previously your diary wouldn't benefit from my scribblings on it. For what it's worth I'm still a keen reader and always look out for your post's.

Just thought I would drop in and wish you a peaceful Christmas

Deano

Happy Xmas Joan, thanks for the drop in x

Diary...

Christmas Eve with the girls was magical. Abundance ruled on Christmas Day. Gambling didn't feature in either. My mood is a whole other story. I'm trying so hard to choose to be up beat and positive. I'm trying to focus on the things I can change. I'm trying to reach out to family and friends. Never did get to the neighbor man's. I got distracted by this new mini split heat pump. The hvac guy tried to convince us that the fresh quarter sized dent and scratch in the side panel was left there by a thief who was trying to harvest copper from the compressor. PersonalIy, I think he did it. He was the last unwitnessed set of hands on that compressor. And by his own admission had a screwdriver in his hands. That dent could have easily been made by the blunt end of a screwdriver! But, rather than cop to yet another mistake he would rather have me thinking thieves are after the copper. We had to make out a police report and everything. 2016 needs to gooooooo. The good news is the compressor although molested was not left broken or dysfunctional. So I'm sat here every night looking out the windows worried about thieves even though deep in my gut I believe the hvac guy is the culprit. Out kitchen remains a frozen tundra because the pump he said would heat it does not reach it so, back to the drawing board as far as that room is concerned. 2016 took our Bertha too. Piece of s**t 2016!! How's that for positivity. Lol. I am grateful. I am here. I am sober. I have choices. So, moving on...

Struggling with the stillness tonight. I know everything is going to be ok. Just struggling at the moment. Thanks diary.

Morning Diary,

I'm sitting here sipping coffee and watching the news. A couple in a town outside of Boston were both recently diagnosed with cancer. Young folks too. They share 19 years together and a lovely teen aged son. That puts things in perspective. Makes my petty little grievances seem even pettier. Today I will make an effort to complain less. We have the kid for a New Years Eve sleep over. Different from a couple years back. We probably would have been at the casino by now. Sigh... the stupid s**t we do. Addiction is: anti- change, anti-growth, anti- relationships. Anti-life. Changes can be scary. Growth can be painful. Relationships with other people requires commitment and hard work. Honesty and trust. I guess that's why Scott Peck referred to recovery as the "road less travelled." I'm grateful for all the folks I have met along this long and at times lonely road. Shout outs to Hannah and Rach (if you're still reading) xx

Hi Sis,

Just coming round with huge hug and well wishes for the day ☺

((((((J))))))))

S x

How is Sis keeping over that pond?

(((((J)))))

S x

Hey Girl! I'm well, and thanks! I have been around and reading, but not writing as much. No slot machines for some time now, but still the continued struggles with fear and anxiety. Trust, or lack there of seems to be a major factor. The worst thing my early upbringing did for me was to shroud my belief in myself. My entire life has been about lack of confidence. Learning how to trust and believe my own instincts. It's not about blame. It's about the never ending f*****g uphill climb. How did that old song go-- " I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden." So, life goes on thank God. I'm happy to be here. Life even when it's uphill is better when not complicated with gambling fallout. Numbness, disconnect. Fuzzy thinking, and distorted vision. In addiction I'm blind and weak. I lose my footing and fall all the way back down. I eventually regain consciousness and there's that great big mountain staring down and laughing at me. On my back, with tears streaming down the sides of my face and into my ears. I have been in that spot more times than I can count. Then it's back up again. More denial. More rationalization. And, finally the first few steps back up that "great big h i l l of hope" once again.. this is why I cannot slip that first crisp twenty into that slot. Just got to keep going. Keep climbing. Higher and higher.. "E.T phone home"...

Diary:

Gambling was just legalized in Massachusetts I'm thinking 2 years ago. There have always been GA meetings near where I live. Unfortunately, they are few and far apart and they don't follow the 12 steps. When I lived in Chicago I attended regular AA meetings. What I learned in those rooms was invaluable. When I hear you guys talk about meetings I get homesick for the *** AA club in boyz town in Chicago. There were meetings available every day at different times. I even went to one at midnight. It's important to me to have folks around that I can relate to and trust. I feel like I could benefit from regular step meetings again..

The word is G A Y That is not an obscenity!! jeeeeeez!!!!!

Hi luvely,

I hear what you're saying! I realised that 3D support is really important in this journey.
Emails, GC, chats & so on helps..but i noticed it's like some friendships - comes and goes and doesn't dish out the same magic as it used to...or maybe its just me, maybe i am on the move of finding myself too much and require more interaction and attention from others. Blank thruth i guess and only us ourselves knows our mindset and what works for us.
That's where 3D interaction comes in. It's real isn't it. Face to face, tears, smiles, emotions and everything in between.

Can't you get out a little further to the meetings?. I shared yesterday that my obsessive saving for the new place has put me into the position of "stay in cause you save petrol money"..Ha!!! & ridiculously i had to aknowledge that my said "savings" went onto booze in a blink of the eye! Lol...absolute insanity huh..how the mind can work is beyond me but i am still learning ...won't give up learning about my actions!
I found a site yesterday. I think it's American but i was looking for a chat stuff..maybe it felt a little bit more "live". It is called "parachat" and it is about the addictions and steps. There are many rooms you can choose and the one i was on last night was a "12 step room". I am still in two minds about the programme but realised that the most scaring bit for me is - handling myself to HP. It's like i hand my control over myself over. It does make sense in a way, i am powerless over my addictions so that's the only way forward - pass it to something higher than myself.
Still..i believe i will struggle with the programme. I think addict in me tells me i don't need it and it's crazy! Lol..if i keep listening to the addict in me, i will end up in gutter..fact!

The thing with life as well as recovery (in my eyes) - if you won't venture out, you won't know/learn.

Check it out girl, maybe you can find something helpful in those rooms & maybe you can venture in the wide wide world and walk through those doors again...they're never closed as you know ☺

Sozzz for the rant, i am still in thinking state lol.

Hugs, you know where i am if you need a chat...unconditionally!

S x

Thank you Sis!

Diary:

Getting ready for a work week. Many ups and downs over the past week or so. Life. When I'm not in addict brain I am much less of a drama queen. Life should be more than just going through the motions but some days that's good enough. I'm not lonely or hungry, sick, or cold. I don't have all of the answers and some days I'm just plain tired. I'm here standing up and ready for another round. If I'm anything I'm curious.

#like!

Ready for another round too! Always by your side - unconditionally!

Stay well