Angel From Montgomery

Diary:

" I wake up in the morning and I step outside. I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream, eh what's goin on. Oh I said, hey hey hey ey ey hey hey hey eh what's goin on??" That about sums it up so far for me today. I will get back to you dear diary when my head isn't feeling so full.

And, exhale.. One test down, one more to go.

Second test came back clean. I'm so relieved and so grateful. Work week behind me. Patrice has a conference in RI and will be away from Friday to Sunday morning. I'm bummed but it is what it is. One day at a time.

Absolutely over the moon for you both Sis!
Steady breaths, riding the emotional roller coaster and coming out the other side.

You're doing amazingly well,
One minute at a time

Stay safe

S x

Thanks Sis!

Diary:

I was getting ready to go full tilt boogie on what's been going on with all of this election bs when I was distracted by the silent yet beautiful sun rising over the lake across the street. I clicked off of the GC sight and went over to you tube music and tuned into "Morning has Broken" at about the same time mom comes downstairs and says look at the rainbow over the back yard. It was amazing! It was a full on arch that reached across the entire sky. The little voice inside of me said, "there are sooooo many more good, honest, humble, decent, caring, people in this world. Focus on what's good. There are little miracles everywhere". I'm dumbfounded. So, that's it. Ha ha. Have a good day everybody!

Hi Judy,

Thanks very much for your kind comments on my diary last week, still plugging away and I can read that you are too. The rainbow sounds like the little island of relief with what you have been going through recently, hope that has reflected in your days so far this week.

Don't let the Donald's negativity drag you down, you can only do what you can do, and vote against. The country doesn't always see sense sadly (see our Brexit...I'll keep my ranting hat in the cupboard too!) but you can only put the X on the paper next to what you believe is right.

Ryan x

You're right Ryan. Thank you!

Hi Sis,

Thought about ya today and just wanted to drop by!

Hope all is well with yourself and you have had a good weekend ☺

Stay safe girls

S x

Hi Sis. Thanks for checking in. I'm still standin...

Diary:

I can smell the fear in the air. The dizzying and suffocating sense of groundlessness. The palpable brutality that has been simmering and today, reaching its inevitable rolling boil between the two opposing TRIBES. Some days I feel the very same sentiment on this forum. It is what it is. For now. This is a ripe time for artists. I will refrain from sharing any raw feelings. I have come to know this is not the right place. Gambling on slots seems pretty silly at this point. I'm here to collect my balloon and tee shirt. yay me.

I get you Joan. This place can be a fearful place to let raw feelings out in the open. It has always struck me that we all mostly share an addiction, universally recognized as an emotional problem & yet with a few exceptions, very few talk in any depth about their emotions.

I myself have steered away from posting personal things on here for fear of judgement. But i should practice what i preach & tell a secret every week as i encourage others to do so at meetings. I have no secrets left to tell within the confines of a GA room, they are all out. But in the interest of unity with yourself Joan, I want to tell you one about myself that I havnt told on these pages before. Hopefully it will allow you to express yourself again without fear.

I began escorting for money around 1995 to help fund my gambling habit. It began with a girl I knew who also used to sell her body to fund a nasty drug habit. We set up as a couple & advertised a couples experience for bisexually curious men. To start with it was all pretty vanilla stuff. I originally thought it might even be fun! It wasnt. Increasing desperation & desensitization to sexual acts found me willing to go further & further beyond my comfort zones. An hour of so of degrading sordidness at the hands of an often sweaty old fat man the price i was willing to endure for a few hours comfort at the face of a slot machine. My addiction telling me it was merely s*x & no harm done. Just a way to make a few quid.

It lasted around 3 years. It filled me with me shame for over 10years, made me believe I was a person unworthy of love, friendship or happiness. It was only the sharing of this experience that finally allowed me to leave it behind. Secrets & silence the two deadliest things for the human psche. If people want to judge vulnerability then f**k them Joan. Says more about them than it will about you. x

Dan, you climbed right into this dark pit with me and lit a candle. No words for now, just some tears. Thanks for your caring Dan. I was apparently feeling all of my stress in my body and managed to throw my back out! The pain is excruciating. Thank God I can find a position to relax in and thank God for ibuprofen. I got another 15 mins before I can pop another 800mg. That's what I get for trying to stuff down all of these feelings. I always end up sabotaging myself. Sucks!

Ibuprofen? ..i took fookitol yesterday and did the trick for an hour or so 😀

Look after yourself Sis, your wellbeing is a priority!

S x

Virus in my laptop and hadn't saved your e mail address on my new phone. Thinking of you xxx

Nice chatting with you good friend DF.

Diary:

Thank God for this crumby virus.

Thank God for this wrenched back.

Because of you I am stuck on this couch. Outside my window I watch the neighbor's maple tree silently resign itself to winter one leaf at a time.