Angel From Montgomery

And your unconditional support is appreciated Sis!! You help me more than you will ever know.

Diary:

Thin skinned, overly sensitive, judgemental, self righteous, resentful, jeaolous, selfish, .... not exactly a Girl Scout .. but, a work in progress.

Diary:

I'm beginning to like the old lady in the mirror staring back at me. Worrying less about what others think. Time to put the headphones on and listen to some tunes.

Diary:

Wound up having a challenging conversation with mom this morning. Got sooo much out of it. Our relationship is getting stronger. We are healing together. Admitting to myself and accepting my own shortcomings has been uphill. I realize that helps me to become more patient and accepting of others. Even the eye rollers... and poo flingers.. it's all good.

And.. just in case.. I count myself among the eyerollers and P**P flingers..

Diary:

Catching myself being reactive. Catching myself in a lie that I tell myself. Catching myself seeking to judge or lay blame. All opportunities to learn from. Sobriety provides the right environment for growth. I actually caught myself in a huge lie/ rationalization yesterday. I was able to see and adjust. It's ok to identify my flaws and put them right on the table. I feel good about that today.

Hi Sister!!!!

Thank you darling for your post! Sometimes we don't need to say a lot to know that we're here for each other unconditionally!

I guess we both know that we need to do something what is working for us & most importantly - don't stop doing it!
I learned to appreciate a day. I somehow don't think about tommorow. (Maybe cause i know i will be a stresshead soon when i try and collapse me bed for a move lol)...but i also know that stressful, anxious and low days passes and good/ rewarding ones takes over! Just need to learn to appreciate and accept them.

Work in progress huh ☺

Gotta dash for work hun as it's very foggy over here :-/..need to set off earlier...safety first huh 😉

Hugs and best wishes girls, look after yourselves

S x

Hello Joan,

Thanks for the welcome back and yep, I get ya!!

Being able to take a step back and recognising the flaws goes along way. Wouldn't of been possible with the addictive heavy fog...

https://youtu.be/2Ox1Tore9nw

A little Random, but have been obsessed with this the last few days singing along to myself.

Not only does this chap look a bit like me but he has a similar voice. I see the lyrics similar to the cycle of addiction.

We're slowly, slowly getting out of the ghetto.....

Keep dumping the S****e

Diary:

The heat pumps froze over so had to have HVAC guys out. Mom for whatever reason had a tantrum. Throwing s**t around in her room. Refusing to go to her program. Accusing Patrice and I of setting her up in a PACE program that she didn't want. I'm up this morning focusing in on every sound. I'm feeling like I'm gonna become unglued at any moment. Intellectually I get that appliances break and frail old folks can be daft and unmanageable. Why are my buttons pushed all the way down? and why can't I cope? As I'm writing this all down I'm realizing that I can cope. I am coping. Gambling on slots came to mind but my reaction was like a wave of nausea. Like waving food in front of someone with a horrible stomach virus. I guess that's progress. I'm not going to engage in mom's drama today. If she doesn't go in that doesn't mean she will lose all of her benifits today. If I don't fix it all for her it doesn't make me a bad daughter. Poor displaced princess. My mom. A damsel in constant distress and in need of saving. Part of living for me has been learning how to separate myself from her. Somehow she taught me to feel her feelings for her. What are my feelings? Helplessness. Sadness. Anger. Fear of the unknown. The anxiety is passing.. that's a good thing. I may be back to write more.

It just dawned on me. Those are her feelings. Where are mine? Stuffed way down somewhere..

God bless Natalie Merchant. Life IS sweet!

Diary:

I considered writing on SA's diary but found my thoughts ramping up into a full blown rant so thought again. What a gift discretion is. No better place for a rant then on my own diary... I agree with SA that governments depend on our collective apathy and complacency. There are people mostly men I suppose with more money than God. If they get bored with accumulating wealth what would the next thing be? Leonard Cohen wrote, " give me absolute control over every living soul" Power and control. What does that have to do with gambling? Gambling is an addiction. I'm an addict. Feeling powerless and out of control is pretty common among us addict types. We live in a world where we feel isolated and even more powerless and out of control. These days if I said I was a Democrat the Trump trolls would jump out of the wood work and call me a baby, or "moaning lib-tard."I don't and have not identified with the American Democratic Party for a long time now but that term lib-tard offends because although it is meant as a dig to me it is only a dig because it is a slur against some of our most vulnerable brothers and sisters. The folks saying it many of them self proclaimed christians pray every day to avoid the temptation to trespass against others. So they offend themselves before the eyes of the very god they pray to. Now there is some contradiction there..Saying this, there are those ready to pounce because if I'm not a democrat I must be a republican and therefore a trumpanzee.. wrong again. And once again I am offended because just having a difference of opinion doesnt mean I'm a member of the KKK.This reaurgece of tribalism or Nationalism is what has me shivering in my boots. The boyz out there with more money than god must love seeing us take up sides against each other while playing follow the-leader with blindfolds on.. I observed a little of that on these very pages.. maybe the whole world needs to be in a recovery program? Overthinking? No doubt but what better place to over think than my diary. Thank you for the space to express my opinions freely GC. Power to the people! 😀

Diary:

Now that the rant has passed and the sun has risen it's time for a little recap of the last 24 -48 hours. Life in my little bubble.. how am I doing? Well, I haven't gambled and that's a good start but I'm not happy with my reaction to my ma's tantrum. My recovery time from my reaction to the tantrum to this very moment has been very slow. Why do I let her tantrums get under my skin??? I don't know and this adds to the blah negative do nothing stick your head into the sand kind of mood I'm in. If I drop anchor here I get into trouble. If I don't sit with it I wind up stuffing it. And, stuffing gets me into trouble. I suppose I can distract myself with rationalizations all day. Maybe a minute at a time for now. She's upstairs and quiet for the time being. The bathroom needs cleaning. So, for now I will go swab the P**P deck and try to stay out of trouble.

Jeeezus Christ! Page 7!!!! :-0
What are you thinking Sis...update at once! 😉

Thanks for the post & raised a smile likewise. Me myself & i...& the rest of the world haha.

I will get bk to tapping away shortly, on here & off here so keep checking that mailbox 😉
..but for now...just waiting for a Internet box lol..god knows when that comes & gotta balance on one foot near the loft reaching to the skies to get a signal 😀

Was thinking about lodger today. (Random thoughts still does happen) & got myself in stiches as remembered Rach having one before...do you remember? All that elecric chair treatment, tying poor guy up & firing questions if he has any addictions to report lol...god....i remember i felt for him having to rock in the corner after such "execution" :-))))))))

Hope you're keeping on well! Keep smiling and staying calm.

My crazy on the roller coaster today so don't be surprised if good rant will follow soon lol.

See ya & take care!

Thanks for fishing out my diary. I forgot where I buried it. All is well in my world for now. All kinds of B.S. between work, friends, and family. That's life. I need to focus more on my physical health. Kindof let some things slide. But, beyond that P and I are pretty happy. Steady as she goes...

Good to hear all is well...all BS will pass...such is life - acceptance is the key 🙂

Be happy, stay safe and calm