Angel From Montgomery

I have nothing useful to say so sending you this:

((Joan))

& RIP little birdie!

Trying to do right by/to yourself and others is always the right choice. Enjoy your weekend.

"My mind is a neighborhood I try not to go into alone" - Annie Lamott

Cathyx

Thank you Sis, Kelly, and Cathy

Diary:

"You can't always get what you want. No you can't always get what you want. But, if if you try, sometimes, you find, you'll get what you need."

I don't have to figure it all out today. I can do small things. Menial tasks. Organize a closet. we all have so much more important things to do. Do we? In the middle of your greatest contribution to mankind you are shot in the head. Lying flat unable to move tears rolling down both sides of you face your thinking I wish I could sit up. Walk to that closet. Someday maybe even organize it. One minute at a time.

Chop wood. Carry water.

What's all the crying about in between? Not sobbing just raining. What the hell happened to me since Florida? Patrice thinks it has to do with mom having a tantrum hours before we were to leave. Full blown sob now. A thought crossed my mind that the old woman upnstairs may not want me to live. to have a life of my own. She pressed my buttons and the asked me why I was so angry. Can she really be that oblivious? Right now all I can think is, how much I hate her.

You can't control her thoughts or behaviour & you are definitely allowed to disagree & discard them! I'm not sure you'll ever be able to make sense of her bevaviour & I get how harrowing that is but you have P standing by, loving you & willing you on...This storm will pass!

Thanks Kelly. It will pass. I'm stuck on where all this came from. Maybe mental and physical exhaustion? For the first time in probably 30 years I'm taking pills. Gambling hasn't been an issue for awhile now. Compulsive gambling is a symptom of a much deeper problem. Seems very obvious now. I know a lot about addiction. I use intellect and rationalization as a shield or mask. Knowing isn't enough. I'm holding on.

Good luck to you and gd bless!

Diary:

The twisted misguided logic of a slot J****E: I'm anxious. I've got some money. Playing is what I need. It's my money. What about the part where I can't win because I can't stop. That's a fact. So, what happens when the money is gone? I will be twice as anxious. There ya go puddin pop! Sooo, I did a meditation instead. Didn't cost me a thing. I'm ok for the moment.

Diary:

The response to collectivism seems to be a regression to tribalism. Soon there will be total communication breakdown. A compromise will be a thing of the past. What does this have to do with addiction. Maybe nothing to you but for me tons. Most days I am busy working. What I earn barely pays the bills. Gambling debts? No! All paid in full for over 2 years now. Most days I am too busy or too tired to worry about the state of the world. But, what I have been hearing lately makes me sick inside. No drink, No chocolates, no gambling. No numbing out. Yeah I know. Chill out. Meditate. Read a book. Get involved. Join a tribe. No f*****g thank you! God grant me the serenity.... citizen joan just one old girl in the world. I don't feel well physically but, I can still think relatively clearly for myself in spite of all of the noise out there. So meditation and a book sounds good for now.

Diary:

Thank you clarity. Ribs going into the oven to slow cook. Patrice and I talked it out and reason won over compulsion. Self care over self destruction. Abundance over scarcity. Hell, a delicious home cooked meal over "on the road again" choked down fast food. I'm a recovering gambling addict. I admit I still think about it. Maybe not every day but, I think about it. I'm a recovering food addict. I have to think about it every few hours a day. I'm the captain and it feels real good.

Captain Citizen Joan, i hope you enjoy them ribs as the smell has somehow drifted over onto these shores and made myself saliver, best served with a big dollop of english mustard..

& do you know what...I'm sending one right back

((Joan))

I read your pain & want to post but I never know what to say 🙁

Sometimes, I guess, just a hug would hit the spot?

I had a lil chat with your Ed the other day, well I talk, he just sits there, all chilled out, with his guitar! But you were in a bad place & I can't bear the thought of hitting you with my kinda crazy when you're out there so telling you now...You're not alone Joan no matter how scary life gets. I'm just words on a page but you're surrounded by your angels as well as your demons.

Aye aye Captain Joan, if you ever need a deck hand, you know where I am!

Thanks for dropping by Paul and Kelly! Hey, mustard on BBQ ribs? Err, why not? Although the bland cereal that I eat every day might actually taste better with a dollop of mustard. 😀

Diary:

Went to the flea market this morning. It was pretty cold so we walked through quickly without buying anything. Spent most of the day around the house. Trying to think through the anxiety and worry. I have so much to be grateful for. Will try focusing more on that and less on things that I have no control over. Looking forward to an evening stroll with Patrice. Gambling urges come and go but reason prevails. I just want to say I appreciate everyone who participates on this forum. We are all good people trying to do better. Sending positive vibes from across the sea.