Angel From Montgomery

thank you all so much for your kindness and support. Honestly, it is how we all get through the hours sometimes isnt it?

Hi Diary,

Patrice just left for work and I am in a little bit of a panic... I suppose I am anticipating the next bad thing to happen. Others have said it recently and I could not agree more. It is times like these where we really need to ask our HP to help us find that balance. We cant pretend that bad things dont happen but, we cannot wrap ourselves up in sorrow or anger or resentment either. I believe that "unholy trinity" is what may have killed my brother. I still cannot believe he is gone but as each day goes by I feel a growing sense of relief b/c I really think in the end, he hated his life and every day was agony for him. Every day cannot be sunshine and roses -- and it cannot be dark clouds and misery. It really does boil down to that serenity.. that sense of "just bring it". I am here and I am calm and my soul is in tact whether the walls come crashing down or not..It reminds me of a song I learned when I was a little girl.. something like: weave weave weave me the sunshine out of the pouring rain. weave me the hope of a new tomorrow and fill my cup again... something like that.. lol.. I have no desire to over eat, drink, or gamble today. I am thinking of making Patrice drive me to the Christmas Tree Shop tonight to pick up a bunch of decorations. I feel like we could use a little Christmas around here! Huge hugs to all of us taking it straight up and one day at a time. -joanxxxxxxxxxx

Joan.

My words for you today are that even through your toughest days your choice to abstain will better your tomorrow.

Me i sincerely hope you find that xmas joy you without doubt earnt it.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Joan,

I just wanted 2 say wot a really gr8 person u r, u have a heart of gold. I hope things gets better 4 u soon, u deserve all good things!

Stay strong xxxx

Thank you Charlotte and Duncs.

good morning diary,

my family buried Ed yesterday. I could'nt be there b/c I was not released to fly. I was fortunate enough to have family members text me from time to time and while they were praying over and remembering him in a small suburb outside of chicago, I had my candle lit here and played, sang, and danced to some music that I know Ed would have liked if he were here. Still, and all, I am left feeling somewhat empty b/c the sad reality is that he is not here and will no longer ever be here with us among the living. He essentially tossed his life back into the face of his higher power as he understood "it". That, was Ed. That was his way. In the end he sacrificed himself up to an indifferent world. Noone even knew he was there until his rotting humanity began making itself known through the floor boards of his tiny dark apartment. I was told or maybe read this quote a long time ago.. something like "even a fool is wise, when they know when to keep silent". I am a fool then b/c I just cannot keep silent today. What I know about a higher power is that it more than likely does not give a healthy rip whether you believe in it or not. The point is, we need to reach out to it in order to survive this life. The soul knows this and will recognize it's higher power. We will know it when we find it. It, by the way, waits up for us to come home. It cries for us when we make self destructive choices or hurt eachother. It rings and rings and rings whether we find the time to answer it or not.. It bears all of our petty insults. It forgives us everything. It is grace, a do-over, a chance to begin again. It makes itself evident in every single sunrise. When morning breaks we were all witnessed to a miracle. If waking up in the morning is an expectation then: we are missing the point!! I believe a key component to listening with ones heart is humility. Christine, you described in Rach's diary with the utmost eloquence how you found humility. For you dear friend I have but one word. Respect. The spirit of my intention today is to embrace each and every addict out there and anyone who has ever tried to love and live with an addict. All I have is this single belief and that is we need a higher power and that there is a higher power for each and everyone of us designed uniquely so that we can know it when we find it. My hope and prayer for all today is for peace, love, and happiness. Embrace this day. It is the only one that matters. I plan on living it to the fullest without alcohol, too much to eat, or a bet.

-joanxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I needed to add this post script. It seems I managed to leave out the most important part. lol.. My plan for today is my plan. More than likely I will be reaching out for my higher power all day today, b/c I am a mistake, an accident, a slip, a tresspass waiting to happen... My hope, not my plan.. my hope..

Joan.....I am so truly sad for you my friend.

You have shown an amazing strength...I bet you didn't even know that you had in you!

Have visions of you dancing round a candle playing "Eds" songs.

Love and all the hugs in the world to one very special lady.

Sue xxxxxxx

Hi Joan,

Just popping in2 say that I am thinking of u xx

U r a very strong lady and a gr8 person 🙂

Stay strong xx

Yo,

I just wanted to send my condolences at your lost .

My mother was an alcoholic but I could never get her seek help for herself . She was sooooooo in denial

She too lay dead in her flat for two weeks before me and my sister found her .

Please know that whilst I can not feel all your pain , I do honestly empathise with what you are going through .

Stay strong Hun , the guilt I felt about my mum ate me up for years and it was only in rehab that I addressed that issue and realised that my perceptions were well out of kilter .

If you need help to deal with this , I am more than happy to be there , but can I suppose I can only see it from where I went through it , so it may not be much help .

Take care Hun you are in my thoughts .

Shiny xxxx

Hi joan thank u 4 ur post it meant a lot i hope ur ok today.

When u mentioned chicago it brought back a lot of memories the only time i was in america was when i was 8 year old with my family we flew into chicago airport and wer then picked up by an american friend who had made friends with us a few years before in a hotel in ireland she drove us then 2 her home in a place called fort wayne indiana i think it was 2 hours from chicago or 200 miles i cant remember.

Great country and we went to nigera falls we were driving 4 hours and hours from what i can remember.

Take Care

Thanks everyone so much for your thoughtful messages and replies. I really appreciate all of you.

Dear Diary,

Feeling stronger every day and I guess having my mom here to help process the grief has been really helpful. We have eachother which is huge. It's tough b/c we have these marathon discussions about the past and it is exhausting but, all in all I think it has been helpful. Mom also knows that I am a recovering alcoholic and gambling addict as well, so, it has been a great comfort knowing that I have people in my immediate who really get me and love me anyway. In spite of everything, I feel ok. I am grateful to have gotten this d**n operation over with and am looking forward to going back to work in January. I am looking forward to Christmas -- tomorrow going over to visit with my two little nieces. We got them a Barbie doll dream house.. somthing or other.. I don't know.. is supposed to be a real big deal..lol. I love those two. They have been feverishly counting down the days. Brings back some good/better memories of childhood. Anyway, that's it. No desire to over eat or gamble or any of that sh it. It's Friday and I am just looking forward to a drama free pizza night tonight. Take care all. -joanxxx

Hi Joan,

Thank u 4 ur message on my diary as always, it means a lot 🙂

I just wanted 2 say that I think u r a gr8 lady Joan, even going thru ur own tough time recently u have been here supporting others 🙂

Ur strength shines thru Joan 🙂

I hope u r proud of urself and the gr8 person u r, cos I am soooooo proud of u!

Have a gr8 day xxxx

Good Morning Diary,

I believe I turned a corner last night. Have 100 bucks in 5 crisp twenties sitting on my desk top. Temptation came and I looked it directly in it's short sited jaundiced eyes and said, no, please get the f u*k away from me -- and it did. I believe in hope, and positivity, and humility, all things that I believe every recovering addict needs in their recovery tool kit. It is about getting stronger not regression into old patterns and behaviors that make me physically and spiritually weak and eventually physically and mentally ill. So many say it in their diaries every day and that is; choice. It is about making the right choice every step of the way. When positivity and hopeful sentiments leave a bad taste in my mouth I know that my ego is acting up in a way that will soon lead me into patterns of self destruction. I'm not sugar coating anything or sitting in denial. I am in agony over the loss of someone I once looked up to. Someone I am going to miss sooo much. However, I am not going to use his senseless death as an excuse to over eat, drink or gamble. On the contrary, his sacrifice has given me new hope. I will carry his spirit with me everywhere I go. I am determined more than ever now to live my life to the fullest for both of us. I turned a corner last night. The opportunity was there and I said, no. I will take grace, and humility over a cheap thrill or a fleeting high any day. Bring on 2013!!!! Have a great day everyone. Stay strong. I will too. -joanxxxxx

Oh Joan.........wiping a wee tear from corner of my eye.....What an AMAZING post my friend........You go girlie...telling that Bas***d addiction where to go .........Changing negatives to positives..........Freekin' love it!!!

Ohh.... have been to niagara falls couple of years ago....awesome.

Big hugs to you my friend

Sue xxx

Hi Joan

Thank u so much for the support it was much appreciated and very well timed , just reading ur last post has just given me the kick up the backside I needed as we sometimes do feeling sorry for myself and there u r with all the determination in the world facing up to ur problems and dealing with them head on

To say I draw strength from u is an understatement and can't thank u enough , be so proud of urself of the achievements u av made in ur own recovery but also the affects u touch on other peoples lives , that is something to think bout and be very very proud

Take care and av a great xmas if we don't post b4 then

Castle2

Hi Joan,

Just popping in 2 wish u and ur family Merry Christmas, I hope u have a gr8 day 🙂

And thank u from the bottom of my heart, for all ur support on my diary thru the good and the bad times...Without ppl like u here, I would never have got this far 🙂

Have fun 🙂