I think It was 2 years ago that I first came on this site. October 2010 was when my wife found out that over that summer I had developed a gambling addiction. That was such a horrible time, such shame, embarrassment, self-loathing- you know what I mean, especially when my parents and then extended family found out. I had another big relapse that Christmas when I spent all the money that a friend gave me to help me out. Since then it has been a constant battle of stopping gambling, starting again, spending all my money for the month in one night on the computer and then living on pennies for the rest of the month, wishing my life away so the next pay day would arrive when I could gamble again.
The longest I have lasted is 100 days without a bet. But now I cannot imagine a day without one. This addiction has changed me into someone that I do not recognise, I have lied and cheated those dearest and closest to me. I have turned into a selfish t**d who is constantly looking for his next fix.
But I have to stop. I will not bore you with the details but I am in the pit big time again. I have 19 days until my next payday and I do not know how I will survive until then with a couple of big direct debits to pay. I have come to see gambling as a way out of financial problems but it never lives up to that dream and only causes more misery. Even though it has pulverized me time and time again I still fantasize about the BIG WIN that will solve all my problems. I do know that even if I got the big win it would all go back to the online bookies.
I cannot afford the blocking software that is really effective until my next pay day so I will have to summon up my will power from somewhere. Last time I came on here I lasted one day- what a loser.
I have gambled today and lost everything. This addiction takes everything from us if we let it. I am feeling so low. I cannot pay my DMP this month and can't bear the thought of all those letters coming again. I owe so much money to so many creditors. If I think too much about it I will just get depressed again.
But tomorrow is a new day, and I am going to just focus on one day at a time, getting through each day without a bet. I cannot face another Christmas where I am rummaging around the sofa to find pennies to buy the Christmas dinner.
to my old friends DUNC and FEB who have been such a great support, I am sorry that I have let you down again by giving into this addiction. I am back, and I hope this time for good.
one day at a time, getting my life back.
Stuxx
Stu
Sorry you have lapsed but its not the end of the world
You are doing it online fatal you must give cards to someone to look after and while no access to cards self exclude change passwords on these betting sites and look away .
While you have no access to gambling money you can put 100% effort to sort out your debts and get some debt counseling .
You must become content with what you have then the journey will be happier gambling free
dave
Hi Stu
Glad to hear from you again. You can install K9 for free on all yr laptops and phone but you have to want to and also, you need to let your wife put in the password because you know the risk of uninstalling it again will be too high.
I had my sister put both passwords in - on my laptop and on my mobile. I can honestly say that this stopped me in my tracks each time I had a craving! Nearly two years down the line, I rarely have a craving but still keep the blockers on for extra security.
Please do it this time Stu - you have so much to lose if you don't.
As always, here when you need me.
Take care.
Feb.x
Hi Stu,
I can completely relate to your story - sounds much the same as mine
Back here again myself in much the same position after a gambling spree to rival my worst ever
If you want some moral support and would be willing to support me back we could start this journey together
I have to go to Blackpool tomorrow and act like all is well and I am happy
When in truth all I want is to crawl into a corner and scream my (expletive) head off!
Back sunday when i plan to be active on this website reading and posting as much as I can
Maybe we can check in day by day together?
PS I am not a crazy stalker - just a desperate failed gambler who wants to put some order back into my life!
Weldy
Thanks Dave, FEB and Weldy.
I realise I have been chasing my losses for four years, trying to recover the initial lot of money that I lost. I feel so overwhelmed by what I have done. It has changed me. But I keep telling myself that I am not a bad person and that this can happen to anyone. Just gonna take one day at a time, take full responsibility for what I have done and try as best as I can to make amends. Day 1 of my journey begins today. just for today I will not gamble.
Stux
Stu
fella the doors revolve again.
For me I feel your pain,the destruction self gifted through your gambling,the misery it brings,the lies told to cover up grow and the self loathing with it.
Doe's your wife think you are cured??
It was for me the ultimate block telling my wife I needed help,to give control of the finances to her to control,to be able to account for every hard earned penny.
As for blocking software,is it not available for free??
Sorry as a gambler in the 3d sense I have never gambled online,but believe that you can install for free.
Maybe another author will point you in the right direction.
If nothing changes my friend then you will gamble again,addiction has a hold,it controls you,it manipulates you,it consumes you.
I hope you are this time ready to admit your gambling is beyond your control and the want to stop gambling becomes stronger than the want to gamble.
there are many forks in the road through life,you are at one again
For me again one will lead you to recovery,take the help available,use it to build your resolve.
The other well that is a darker place than we could both imagine.
I wish you well in making the right one,
As ever it is a pleasure to walk by your side.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back
Hi
thanks Dunc good advice as always. Yep I can get blocking software for free but it needs someone else to put the password in. I can't tell my wife yet, I will do, but not yet.
everything seems dark and overwhelming today. I can't believe how much money has gone, how stupid I have been and what a mess I am in. I don't know what to do.
But I do know that I don't want to gamble today and that gambling will not solve my problems.
Day 2 of a long journey- trusting that I will be able to get my life back to normality.
Mass today and then a lovely roast dinner with my family. These are the things that count.
keep strong folks.
Stuxx
Stu,
Hope today was a success
Stay with me on this journey m8
Weldy
Hi all
DAY 3
Lovely day yesterday with family. No gambling.
here's to today- just for today I will not gamble.
Stu
Hi Stu,
Just checking in to see if you are okay
Should be 4 days hopefully?
Weldy
Hope you are still going strong
Weldy
Hi
I had a rubbish day on Tuesday, gave into the addiction again. But a friend said every time you fail you've just got to pick yourself up and start again. So here I am picking myself up again and starting again. Day 3 today.
I feel that there is such a long journey ahead of me, it seems such a high mountain to climb, but I know its the only option, if I keep gambling life will only get worse.
Gambling is an escape for me, and I've got to stop using it for that.
I can do this, one day at a time. Today I will not gamble.
Stux
Stu
We are all faced with that mountain initially. Mountains have never been easy to climb. I thought you were putting the blocks in place? Do you think its time to inform your wife so she can then put the passwords in for you?
You must know by now that this is not going to get any better whilst gambling.
Try not to consider the mountain to much but instead, focus on putting those blocks in place, no matter what.
Take care Stu. You have done this before. You can do it again.
I think you would really benefit from using your diary daily for extra support.
Feb.x
thanks Feb and Half-Life.
Yes I will put the blocks on. I do want to do it.
I have been feeling so low these last couple of days full of thoughts about how much money I have lost, how selfish I have been, shame and guilt. I do accept full responsibility for what I have done and will try each day to make ammends.
This week is going to be so hard. Two big direct debits to pay and no money. But it is all my fault. I do know that I will not solve my problems through gambling and that I will survive this week, even though it feels like I wont.
One day at a time, one step at a time.
Stux
Hi Stu.
I suggest you get in touch with the people who you owe the two big direct debits to and explain you havent got the money. Even if you just say you have had an emergency to deal with which cost you extra money. I did this plenty of times and found that most companies wanted to help. I felt much better afterwards and I am sure you will to.
Dont give in Stu and things will not get any worse if you dont. Can I just ask - when you gambled on Tuesday, did you end up losing more money?
Take care.
Feb.x
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