Back from the Brink

Day 3

Same as yesterday. Day full of tasks ... keeping busy. No time for mind to wander.

Michael35 wrote:

But whose to say that the demons won’t strike again 2-3 even 10yrs down the line.

Hi Michael - that thought used to bother me too and maybe there'll come a time when it might bother me again. But I don't trouble myself with it anymore. It's just scaremongery. I think looking at gambling this way is looking at it from the wrong perspective. We shouldn't burden ourselves with a fear about possible future losses and gambling sprees - we only have to worry about this very moment we find ourselves in. Take care of this moment, which is usually not such a big deal - we can always manage one second of staying gamble free - then those seconds will soon add up to the rest of your life. That future we fear will never exist. If you can handle one moment, you can handle a thousand thousand of them.

With me, I used to assume there'd be an inevitable relapse waiting for me somewhere in my future - but I think, deep down, that thought was just the compulsive gambler in me giving me permission to relapse. Part of me wanted to gamble, I loved it - and that's why I assumed I'd be gambling in the future. I just didn't want to let go of it.

It's very early days for me - almost embarrassing to say - but I'm only 15 days gamble free. But I'm giving myself a very clear choice: gamble if I want to and pay the price (lose family, home, self-respect and all my money) or not gamble (and start living a normal beautiful life, regret free).

You've previously achieved 1000 days gamble free - which is a hell of a stint - just keep managing your urges on a second by second basis and keep your life intact.

I'm not sure if you've got blocks in place - but if you haven't, I'd do that straightaway. I'd say, access to money being the number 1 threat because no casino would give you the time of day without it.

Keep strong - fight those momentary urges - and have a brilliant Christmas with your family.

Take care

Equinox

Hi Equinox,

Many thanks for that comment - it’s really hit a chord with me ... a lightbulb moment in a lot of respects, and it’s so, so true. I’d never really thought of it in that way. I’m possibly thinking too much of relapsing in the future, and giving myself an excuse to gamble now... “well..it’s going to happen anyway”.

But your right ... take care of each precious moment, shield it, protect it, don’t ever let the demons in.

It’s pretty easy not to gamble for the next minute, nor the minute after that then so on and so forth.

Sitting here writing this, I just can’t see how not Gambling has been so hard for me in the past. Does convincing yourself that giving up should be tough actually give you a reason/excuse to gamble again ... “well, I always knew it would be tough” ?

Anyway, now 75hrs gamble free. Tomorrow night, I’ll be looking forward to a mini-milestone. 100hrs gamble-free.

Take care,

Michael

Day 4

Felt OK last night, feeling a bit down this morning. Spent some of yesterday evening looking at DMP & IVA options. I was looking to see whether my circumstances would warrant it, I was hoping they don't. I have to keep reminding myself (a) I have enough to pay the monthly repayments and (b) I have a Lump some and possible bonus in March which will shift 15% of the CC debt, and another 5% the following March when one of my savings plan comes to fruition. I should also be able to reduce the CC debt by 1-2% every month and have money left over from my own wages, so in 12 months, the CC debt should have reduced by 30-40%.
There's also the possibility of Redundancy, which if it happens, will most likely be in 1-3years, which would wipe out the rest of the debt, but even without that, in 3 years - 1000days, I could almost be CC debt free. A place I haven't been for around 10yrs now. Just in time for my first child off to Uni, and the more I chip away that this, the less the interest, so should snowball.

Hi Michael

Sorry to hear that you're feeling down - but see that as the poison leaving the system. A clichГ©, but true - from here on out every day has to be better without gambling.

When I was gambling, it got to the point where, before a session, I wondered what I'd do with the money - what would actually change in my life if I was up - or if I was down. And the truth was, not much. Having money is a sort of abstract comfort - it doesn't really change anything (once you've paid for essentials) - it provides a sense of security and control. But if I had a million pounds, after the initial burst of happiness and 'can't believe my luck' moment, I'd probably end up feeling the same. Moaning about a queue being too long in Tescos or a tooth that's bothering me.

Your comment about being free of cc debt as your first child goes to Uni reminded me of something I felt when I gambled. My son, who's 18 and on a gap year, is central to my life. I knew that winning money wouldn't change much for me, but losing his respect would. That was something solid for me, something permanent - I just didn't want to be the sad 'gambler' dad - the dad who'd, for whatever reason, felt the need to gamble away everything.

It was that thought that stopped me in my tracks. I imagined two scenarios:

1) I win £20,000 and somehow manage to keep hold of the money (a fantasy, it would never happen with a pending withdrawal) - so what changes with my big wallet? I buy some new clothes? Go on a holiday for a week or two? Replace a cooker? Buy an iPhone? Put it in a savings account and it turns into five digits? - All take it or leave it stuff.

2) My son loses respect for me. After years of trying to be a positive influence and caregiver - I demonstrate the exact opposite. Break hearts, lose trust, generate sympathy and weariness. That was far from take it or leave it - that would follow me to the grave.

Keep chipping away at the debt (there's an odd pleasure in that somewhere) - and I bet you'll find new pleasures from things right under your nose.

Keep the strength to stay away from gambling. If not, your debt just grows and grows and your sense of control just shrinks and shrinks. It's tough to say no to gambling - but 'tough' is a tiny insignificant obstacle to jump (at most, it will be a pathetic nagging thought that bores you with the same line of gamble gamble gamble!) - which is nothing compared to what's at stake if you relapse and how tough it will be to repair the new damage and and make things right again. And then again. Jump out of the loop with a clear head and don't listen to the voices that tell you you need to gamble.

I took a look at my wife and child with fresh eyes and the answer was right there for me. Look at a bookies, casino, glitzy online site or fobt machine with fresh eyes you'll probably be filled with with disgust and repulsion. I don't want to go 'all hippy' - but they're the opposite of love, family and peace - they're street muggers, disguised as attractive models, wanting to strip you of your last penny and last ounce of dignity. It's an ugly business.

I find money goes so much further without gambling. I bought a bottle of fine Tawny port the other day - and sipped away while working late at night, music in ears, family happily asleep, Christmas on its way - all for less than a tenner.

Take care

Equinox

Equinox you're last two posts should be on the opening page of the forum as they are so so true and and a brilliant take on gambling and what it does. Its really made my day thank you. Michael ive followed ur diary lately and believe you can do this. Take it second by second and think of those casinos bookies and gambling sites as the opposite of what us our families love etc stand for. We can enjoy the little things in life for what they are. No amount of money in the bank can replace the enjoyment we get from every day with our friends and family. I'm one day one today and with you Michael 2018 will be a good year full of possibilities.

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Day 4 - (Part 2)

Hi Equinox, Adam

2 brilliant posts - your words have resonated with me and has given me strength which I’m extremely grateful for.

I’ve been reading my old diary this evening, which I kept going for over 6years, before starting afresh with this new diary a few weeks ago. I’m grateful to Gamcare for keeping these recovery diaries open, particularly when there are gaps of many months between posts (in my case, 22 months !)

It was a little depressing to read that a lot hasn’t changed with me since 2011. I still have huge money concerns, the CC debt is about twice as big as it was 6 years ago, but just about manageable - min payments are about £200 more than first thought. I still obsess about the money side, but I think that should hopefully subside if i get through a few months of repayments incident free - I guess this is only natural.

I’m also still feel that my job is insecure, as I did 6 years ago. This never changes, except nowadays I’d gladly take a Redundancy payout because I’m confident of taking another job.

I’m still bored at work, there’s so little work to do these days, I’m finding myself being productive for less than an hour a day now, which isn’t the greatest as my mind is free too wander.

And I’m still trying to keep this from my family through fear of the repercussions. I think I’ve been advised in the past to tell someone, and can understand the reasons why. However, I don’t want to rule it out, but I’d prefer to be well on the road to recovery and on top of the debts before telling someone. As I said earlier, I feel that I can’t rock the Apple cart at this moment.

Anyway, one good bit of news is that I’m now safely through the 100hr mark. Next target is to get to 31/12, then into 2018 for a gamble-free year.

Day 5

Overtaking my last pathetic attempt last week.
Had a bit of a lie-in this morning (until 7). Also managed to get my backside into work a bit earlier than normal. The posts on this diary have given me a real lift - thanks again everyone. Also, having read my old diary, I know I've been here before. On the money side of things, although scary - the debt is around £20K higher than last time, the fact is, interest on Mortgage, CC's, and the rest is around half of what it was before, and money coming in is about £1K more than it was 2011. So I'll be aiming to shift the debt twice as fast as before, and of course, the more I shift, the less the pressure of the min payments, but Jan, Feb, Mar are crucial months ending with a possible lump sum and bonus in Mar/Apr. Need to continue reducing Credit Limits in-line with repayments, and keeping access to money at a bear minimum during this time.
In a weird sort of way, I'm looking forward to the challenge.

That's the way Michael, lets do this 2018 will be our year the year we realise what we have in life friends family and love money is just a number as long as we have a roof, food and are healthy money will fall into place eventually if all of these things are in place we should just enjoy the small things in life.im on day two and looking optimistickly towards 2018 with hope and energy

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Michael35 wrote:

In a weird sort of way, I'm looking forward to the challenge.

Hi Michael -

Hold that precious feeling close - as unexpected as it might be, there is something quite invigorating about a challenge like that.

I suppose it's a bit like building a house - except you're building your life back.

Stay super strong and resist the urges.

Sometimes I think the solution is really as simple as just saying 'no' to gambling.

I watched one a BBC documentary the other day about drug abuse - and one of the addicts was saying that the withdrawal symptoms are like having really bad flu. They take crack and heroin to feel normal. At this point, I felt a bit ignorant because I thought how can really bad flu be as bad as a life with an expensive daily habit, street begging, homelessness, no future, diseases, a wasted life ....

and this made me think it's similar to gambling - what's so bad about saying no to a really really really strong 'urge' (which is all it will ever be) compared to a life with a list of outcomes that's pretty similar to the one above.

It just sounds too feeble when I say to myself I'm unable to deny an 'urge'. What excuse do I have?

Maybe it's easier for me to say this now because I'm not suffering from urges. In a way, I'm happy for one to come, in full force, just so I can kick it back to the sideline.

Let's tackle this together and this forum seems like a brillaint place to do it.

Day 5 sorted. No urges.

When (Note : WHEN) I get to Sunday, I’ll already been 11th out out 17 longest ever attempts to become gamble free. To be honest, it’s been easy. For an online gambler, fighting an urge is so easy when you think - it’s around 3 inches from the click button - it’s called the “OFF” button. Come on, it’s pathetic to think that that “urge” can’t be fought and won. It’s pretty obvious when you think about it.

Looking forward, Ive mapped a course for CC debt free day - 2 yrs time as long as everything falls into place financially which is somewhere I haven’t been for 10yrs so it’s very exciting. I’m really looking forward to the challenge.

Day 6

Well that was easy. The route out of this mess has been plotted - full steam ahead !

Day 7

Busy, busy, busy today. No thought of you-know-what

Keep notching those days up. Hope you have a happy Christmas.

Day 11

Had a house-full this Christmas, so very busy...need to have a rest !

Anyway, looking at getting the Overdraft cleared in the next few weeks, then I'll start on the Credit Cards. No gambling urges.