Back from the Brink

Day 0

Could have stopped myself again ... again, how difficult can this be ? ... sickening feeling, heart-wrenching ... now it really is emergency stations
with the Debt ... financially, things might have gone too far ... more blocks in place immediately.

No more words to describe my continuously pathetic behaviour.
2018 can't come quick enough ... psychologically, a new leaf.

A reminder to oneself, I thought I felt low 2 weeks ago, I'm not sure what rock-bottom feels like, I don't want to feel it.
I WILL be homeless and familyless if I continue like this, but I've said all of this before haven't I ?

Financially...we're on quick-sand now, but amazingly STILL retrievable.

I can't even bare to read this back to myself, but I need to get this into my diary as a reminder to myself of where I'm heading.

Hi Michael I read your diary. I posted on someone's thread yesterday and they actually listened to me. This is not easy. You need to tell your wife/partner. My kids similar age to yours. When my husband last relapsed he confessed and I made him tell the kids. I think it really helped. Hand over finance, stop obsessing about the debt. Just for today. Go to GA. Retrain your brain. Stop making excuses. No one wants you to fail.

Hi Michael

I really feel for you. I lost a huge amount last week ... £45k in 11 hands of blackjack, which I guess is your poison too. Kept doubling up, thinking just one win and I’m level and can quit ... guess what, 11 losing hands ... it didn’t bust once, and I didn’t get one good hand ... it’s a fix ... I was actually £15k up earlier in the week, and kept telling myself I would exclude as soon as they had paid me out. What i’m Saying is you have to stop chasing, as even if you win it won’t be enough. I also know I wouldn’t be able to stop so i’ve told my partner and handed over control of the money ... you really need to do the same and protect yourself from the next urge. Really really hope it works for you ... we can both earn well clearly and get out of this, so we’re lucky compared to a lot of people ... let’s not waste that luck. Take care. Rich

Day 1

Rich & Merry,

Thank-you both for your comments. The question about "fessing-up" is one that I'm continually weighing up. I have done in the past, when I was at my lowest ebb - much lower than where I am now, about 9yrs ago, and I received emotional and financial help including some counselling. During that time, I'd become so distant from my wife and family, although not realising, my wife was actually releaved when I confessed all, she actually had thought I'd been having an affair ! Obviously, she was very very angry with me to start with and only for a few days, but I remember a week later, driving her to work, and in the car from no-where gleefully she said ... "Yes !! I've got you back !!".

Circumstances were different then, and I now have a real nagging doubt at the back of my mind at basically stream-rollering into what is a wonderful, settled family life. Lovely home, wonderful wife, kids have great futures ahead and I have a brilliant a relationship with them. My eldest is at crucial time in his life educationally and I can't bring myself to rock the boat - it's what I'm clinging to. I want to admit all, but I can't put that on my family on top of the financial mess I've created - blocks are in place now. She did also say that she'd leave me if I did it again, although that stance may have changed - it was said in the heat of the moment. I need to think about this, and do it at the right time. I know my gambling triggers, mostly when I'm bored or stressed, mostly boredom though. Blocks do work, just yesterday the account I hadn't blocked was one I was waiting for a payout on. That loop is now closed. Also, I have a list of jobs, projects, etc to embark on in 2018 - I won't allow myself to get bored.

I'm checking out GA in my area, although they appear to meet up only once a month.

On another note, and hope it's right of me to make this point in my diary, but whilst I've been busy today around the house, my wife went to visit her niece who is terminally ill - although thankfully she is in good spirits at the moment. My situation is insignificant in comparison...I still have choices, hers are limited...my situation is retrievable, hers sadly is not...things I can look forward to in future years, she may never have the opportunity in doing so. I really am very lucky ... my situation is temporary, and fixable, ok, may take a few years, but I'll still be there my kids pass their exams, Graduate, get Married, and perhaps someday, have children of their own, and a long happy retirement, travelling and seeing the world. My niece may never get the opportunity to experience this - she has a young son. Although she is currently enjoying life, which is wonderful to see and getting the most out of it.

Yes, gambling can be an horrific addiction, and can result in loss of relationships and material things and everything else that goes with it. But we still have choices, we can bounce back, a little wiser, a little more tolerant, a little more understanding, and alot more thankful for what we have. Ok, the money side, really, at the end of the day, in most cases, an inconvenience...maybe we'll need to tighten our belts for a few years, we may not be able to go on holiday, or enjoy some of the more material pleasures like posh clothes, nice cars, or dining out. But come-on...surely a small price to pay if we still have a home, health and a family.

I am a very very lucky person. For me to squander something that I've built for 20+years, a wonderful home, a good job, a loving wife and great kids, and everything else that goes with that is contemptible at best

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NOTE TO ONESELF : Next time you decide that you're bored, and you want to Gamble, please read the paragraph above.

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Hi Michael - I'm so sorry to hear that you fell back into gambling. But stick in there buddy - it's a boxing match and you've lost a couple of rounds, but the fight is far from over. I can feel your determination to tackle it again, but I'm worried that you're trapped in a loop and the pattern will keep repeating ... despise gambling, let a little time pass, then gamble, despise gambling again, time passes, then gamble again ...

I have to say that I agree with Merry Go Round - the best option is to tell your wife and put every single possible block in place. If things are getting anywhere close to emergency situations, your wife really needs to know.

But it's hard to speak for other people, I don't know your life and I can see why it's hard to tell her - it's like detonating a bomb in the middle of your happy home. But this bomb could be a little hand grenade compared to the nuke that might soon follow.

I'll be totally honest with you - and this is a bit contradictory to what I've just said because it offers a bit of a get out of jail free card, but if we were mates and talking over a pint in a pub - my hand on heart advice would be:

Tell your wife. If you can't do that, write that email tonight that explains everything to her - but don't send it, keep it in the draft folder. Write about the debt, your addiction, your fear of revealing the truth, your fears about destroying your family life and upsetting your son's education - the whole lot, leave nothing out. In the email include this forum link and your username and password. But it wouldn't be emailed if you honestly think you can get on top of your addiction - give yourself one last chance - but if you ever gamble again, you instantly click send on the email. There'll be no time to hum and haw about what you should do or if you have just one more chance - the truth will be out at the click of a button. Then you'll have to have that conversation after which you can hopefully work through your addiction together.

There's no way of papering over this - we are all here because gambling is destroying our lives. As clear as crystal, it's destroying yours - but where you're at now will seem like Easy Street compared how bad things can get for you if you continue to gamble.

I hope this is of some help - to be honest, I feel out of my depth offering advice - that's for the professionals.

There was only one day between your Day 11 no gambling urges post to Day 0. My other advice would be the next time that urge hits - and it will hit - take time out to post here before you gamble - that's a small ask and will only take 5 minutes - but it might just stop the urge dead. It's worked for me, it forces a pause on the impulse and bring things back into perspective.

Take care

Equinox

What’s it going to take for you to accept you can’t do this alone? What does it matter how often the GA meetings are if you’re not going to them? I’m surprised to hear they only meet once a month but if that is the case, there will be a phonelist for you to utilise on days in between when you need a kick or a listening ear. Why is it only now after all these years that you are waiting for payouts & closing accounts?

I’m sorry to hear about your niece 🙁 but it absolutely does bring it home about choices...You can continue on the hamster wheel or you can put your hands up, accept gambling has you beat & admit to yourself that you can NEVER place another bet. I did my sums, to the penny, night after night after night, robbing Peter to pay Paul, planning for the future & hoping people were going to die & all I did then was chuck that good money after my bad. You may think you are fooling everyone around you but there’s only so much debt you can hide & if she felt it before what makes you so sure she can’t feel you hurting again now?

You do have choices but relying on the same broken brain that got you to this point to make the right ones is foolhardy @ best. Stop making excuses & get some support & plans to better manage your triggers, you can’t carry on hoping that willpower will see you through.

Day 2

Ok, blocks in place. Next GA meeting on 15th Jan.

HI Michael, I am Michael too BTW I don't really comment but I remember you from before. I can see alot of similarities in your struggles and my own. I am only 16 days free but I have a life time of on and off the wagon. Maybe it is easier to see what's wrong looking in rather that having to analyse my own problems. I will move on but my thinking is that you have yet to bottom out while you are financially being hit it is not detrimental on your life. It is hurting you and of course it's biting financially but my guess is you are not near rock bottom. You have the will to give up but are unwilling to take the tough steps necessary to ensure clean time. I am not criticising you as I am very much in the same camp I am taking my 16 days and running with them hopefully I will keep going but it's only a day at a time as I simply no faith in what I actually say due to numerous false dawns. Best of luck and hopefully you find peace of mind.

Hi Frozen,

Great post and many thanks. You’re right, similar to you, I’ve had numerous false dawns in the last few months and I’ve ran out of words to say. Financially, a humongous hit, but still can manage min payments, but a few hundred £ more then I will have to start looking at borrowing to meet even min payments.

I know today I won’t gamble, nor will I tomorrow or the day after, but I was kidding myself to say that all blocks were in place - they weren’t until this morning - they are now. Also, my trigger point which is boredom at work resulting in iPhone Gambling will also no longer be a problem as I’ve swapped out the SSIM into an extremely old model which doesn’t have internet access. Couldn’t do it anyway, because of self-exclusion. Also, I have no desire whatsoever to use a Bookmakers - never have done and never will.

I’d like to say that I’m going to pack 2018 with family time, Home projects I’ve been putting off, taking up running and football again, and starting to rebuild my work Career. I want to put an update on this diary on 31Dec18 saying 367 days Gamble free and that it has been a brilliant year, and achieved all of the things I set out to do and more. Been busy all of the time, never once even thought of Gambling.

But these words are meaningless without action - and this is a place I’ve been dozens of times before.

Guys,

Last post of 2017. Looking forward to putting the lid on this one once and for all.

May you all have a healthy, productive, successful and peaceful 2018.

All the best and cheers.

Michael

Day 3

... and my first post of 2018. A brilliant night with family, friends and some very old friends who it was great catch up with, and for a few hours, lost all thought of my current predicament.

Take care,

Michael

Feeling good today ... but I’ve been here before on many occasions.

Some lovely family time spent together today. This is what it’s all about.

Day 4

First day back at work of 2018. Blocks in place - no gambling today.

Day 4

Another boring day at work - there's literally no work coming through now - this cannot last for ever. Trying to use the opportunity to read up as much as possible, trying to develop some new skills for the CV, if it ever comes to that.
Also been reading some of the Gamcare diaries, which have given me some inspiration. So for today - no Gambling.