Back to the start. New diary

Your not a failure just haven’t found the formula to stop yet but you will figure it out

Hi Stace,

The fact that you are here right now posting this, tells me that you have not failed, you are very much still fighting and the battle isn't over yet. 

Keep your head up, you are only human. You have taken a stumble but you can totally still fix this. 

Hannah,

GamCare Volunteer Online Peer Supporter 

You're not a failure. But the feeling is all too familiar. Im new here still figuring things out. I hope you are doing a little better.🙂

Thanks all.

I'm really not doing good. Not been able to stop yet. Just been on live chat and been referred to ARA for counselling. My heart hurts 😭

Hi Stace, i too recently had a set back i have had to make it impossible for me to gamble, I was over 250 days gamble free and i spent 2 full weeks gambling non stop, it took a while but I eventuially snapped out of it and put everything in place.  Gamstop for 5 years, block on gambling, card cut so no cash withdrawal and my wage goes to my partner.  RThis is a desease one of the worst if not the worst silent addiction out there.  Asking for help is the first step, acceptance of who you are and what you have done is huge, get the help and support you need and take it one day at a time, you will be ok

Thankyou Deborah

So day 5 today no gambling, not much I know, but huge step for me after how bad I've been. I'm already on gamstop, so gambling online wasn't my issue, the way I was gambling, I won't say on here, but I've put a stop to that by taking a big step to protect myself. Also taken myself away from people who were encouraging me to gamble , knowing I had a problem, for there own gain, as when I did win, I'd hand out money to family members to help them out. I've been on the chat room once since I reached out to gamcare on livechat, in the past it helped massively, but also I came to depend on those chatrooms which I don't want to do this time, so I'm going to join 1 or 2 chat rooms a week.

What drove me to go back to gambling, I've been through a tough couple of years, I lost my precious mother, one of my brothers hot sent to prison, and between me and my sister, we cared for his 2 children as there mother was in a bad place and couldn't, also my other brother got cancer, few months ago he was told he was in remission, but now he's hot new concerning symptoms, he had an appointment with his cancer doctor who told him its not looking good, he's had the tests and is getting his results tomorrow, so my whole family is very worried and anxious right now. Also my dad got into a new relationship not long after my mam passed away, and don't get me wrong, all I want is for him to be happy, but me and my siblings have found it difficult to get our heads round it. My daughter has also been struggling with her mental health after something happening to her, which has been hard to cope with but herself and us all as a family have had alot of support. I am ashamed to say though, due to my mental health, my children have been on the child protection register for the past year. But I have worked hard on myself, done therapy and really pushed myself hard and I'm proud to say, 2 weeks ago they came off the register and we've been fully closed to social services. 

So now I'm tackling the gambling as I'm mentally in the right place to do that now. All my blocks are fully in place and I have an assessment with ARA next week. It's been very hard for me to write all this, but keeping a diary and writing on it daily is now going to be part of my recovery plan. 

Stace 🥰

@stace Well done Stace. You have made huge in roads and you should be super proud of yourself 👏👏👏.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Hi Stace

Just came across your diary and it's such a tough read. Thank you so much for sharing. It must have been tough to open up so much on here and you should be very proud of yourself. With all of your pain in life, to tackle your gambling problem as well is very admirable. How has your week been as a whole ? 

I can see why people kill themselves over gambling and debt

There's a better life for everyone though

@stace You mean so much more than the gambling, the debt, None of that defines your worth. You are so much more important than any of that.

I’m really sorry you’re feeling like this right now. When gambling and debt get on top of you, it can feel completely overwhelming, like there’s no way out. But the fact you’ve said it out loud matters more than you probably realise because it shows that you want help. You had to come on here, log in, and post this comment. You still have so much strength in you. 

Right now, don’t think about fixing everything or the debt or the future. Just focus on getting through today safely.

A couple of things that can help in moments like this:

• Pause and slow things down – intense feelings pass, even if they don’t feel like they will
• Don’t sit with it alone – even sending a message like you’ve done here is a step
• Reach out to support – GamCare, ARA, or Samaritans (116 123) are there 24/7 and won’t judge you
• Remind yourself this feeling is temporary – it’s the overwhelm talking, not the truth about your life

There are hundreds of us on here that have felt rock bottom too. But there are also hundreds of us that have overcome it. You CAN get out of this. Trust me, the debt is never as bad as you think, but only if you talk to the people you owe money to - when you ignore them, that is when they take action. I have been with step change for a few years now, and its fine - I pay the amount every month and I am largely left alone, the odd letter here and there but nothing threatening, just the 6 month reminders of what I owe which they legally have to send. but if I was to have ignored them all - they'd have gone a lot harder. there is always a way back from the debt - we are fortunate enough to live in a world where you have a lot of rights - and even more when you have children. You CAN take back the control you just need some help. 

I promise you there is light at the other side of this. you mentioned in your earlier posts that you managed five days, you have already shown you have the strength to do it. I am only on day 7, so I am early in my journey too, but I have found that coming on here every day and doing my diary really does help. I know you mentioned in an earlier post not wanting to be dependent on the chats - but why not? why not let yourself have that support as often and as regular as you need during those first few weeks which are the hardest. 

What do you have planned today? can you take a walk outside? do something fun with your children? you can get through this and we will all be here to hold your hand. 

I've already said this once but I will repeat it You mean so much more than the gambling, the debt, None of that defines your worth. You are so much more important than any of that.