Belle’s diary - 14 August 2020

Day 2. Anxiety is through the roof! Had an afternoon to myself, and cleaned instead of wasting time throwing away money. I still feel sick thinking of how much I’ve lost, particularly the amount this week. I know I won’t feel like this forever. I don’t miss gambling, but appreciate that it’s early days. 

Hi belle . I know you suffer anxiety anyway, but the anxiety due to gambling will slowly start to ease . I know it's a horrible feeling but I can truthfully say that away from gambling my anxiety/ depression is hugely better. Have you managed to find a solution to your money problems? 

Hi Charlie

I took out a loan for the money I owe so that’s a big relief (well, better than confessing to hubby). How are you? 

I'm good ty belle. I'm glad that you have found a solution to your immediate problem. I know you don't find sharing your feelings easy but your always in control persona is slipping. Anxiety/depression and a gambling addiction. Speaking to a counsellor a stranger is easier as They have no pre conceived idea of who you are. You need to spill it all out, you deserve to be happy don't you ? 

Belle,

The beginning of anything new is the hardest bit - because its new. It gets easier.

I hardly slept in the first three weeks. Id wake up in the middle of the night and go back on my calculator working out how Id repay debt. I still have debt - doesnt bother me. Im paying it slowly and to busy living life to worry about it.

Things get better but you’ll need to work through the beginning but you’ll see the benefits. Trust me.

RR

Day 3 and still don’t miss gambling. I have spent a lot of time over the last few days reading stories on here, and it has made me feel quite sad, knowing what others have been through. 

This all started with me at some point in 2018. I was scrolling through my social media newsfeed, and saw that a friend of mine had won a significant amount on online bingo. I showed my hubby and we registered on a site, and I remember him losing about £30 and closing his account. I stopped putting money in when I lost just over £100 and then it escalated from there.

From a lot of other peoples experiences I have read, and from my own experience, if wanting to win big is why this started, I  have now learnt that whatever is won, is never enough. Last week I had over £4000 in my bank to spend on whatever I wanted. It was still not enough, and I lost all that, plus more. I still can’t get over that, but know in time, I will. 

It has been a rubbish weekend, especially thinking that I could have taken the children out, bought them things etc, but because of my own stupidity, I now can’t. 

Hi belle . Hope you are ok. You are doing right thing reading others stories and whilst all different you see a common thread which you can identify with. As you have identified whatever you win is never enough I too have done what you did I won £5k within 3days id lost it all and put more on credit card, and I think that was the point when I knew I had to do something. Like you I couldn't tell my husband I didn't know what to do and then he found out early one Friday morning . I told him everything I didn't hide anything I just spilled it all the relief was huge for me obviously not for him, but we are getting there. It's strange though isn't it that you both started same time he closed his account you got hooked same with me my husband gambled but hardly anything, me I got hooked. Maybe there's something about having anxiety/ depression that makes us vulnerable I've read a lot into it. But I suppose 'why' is something we can mull over and be mindful of as something that triggers us to gamble and avoid. Anyway I am much happier,calmer,and more stable and I'm enjoying life more now I hope you can find that as well. Best wishes

Hi Charlie, depression/ anxiety, and trauma in my life, I believe has played a massive part in this. I know I need to deal with these demons before I can be truly happy, and not turn to anything else such as gambling, which is going to harm me even more. It’s strange because I’ve been reflecting a lot on my life, and struggled to think of the last time I was ever truly happy. It must have been about 7-8 years ago. I wasn’t even happy on my wedding day, but to others I always look happy and like I have the perfect life. I am so envious of others with their ‘normal’ lives and families, and wonder why mine has suffered so much (depression/ suicide). 

Maybe losing that money recently is actually a good thing as it means I now know that I have a problem and can start to tackle everything above. Who knows.

It’s great that you are feeling much happier and calmer, and enjoying life. How is your husband with you now? 

Much better now , he does enjoy having financial control a little too much sometimes but I won't be bullied and I know he knows would be easy for me to redirect my money to another account so most of the time he's fair. My marriage has always been difficult for me and it was too easy for me to zone out by gambling but I know it's not the answer. To be truthful since I'm not hiding big secrets any more I find confronting my husband over things easier as a consequence twice recently I've heard the word 'sorry ' a word I haven't heard many times in the 21 years we've been together, so who knows I'm open to seeing how things pan out. Easier said than done I know but you have to find some happiness we only have one shot at life. If you can open up to a counsellor and really get it all out maybe you can find that way forward.

Day 7 - feeling so much better already. Last week seems so blurry! It’s amazing how much clearer my head feels without the ups and downs of gambling!