Hi all.
I’ll save everyone the long story but this is the diary of a 37 year old married man, who has done GA once before 10 years ago so know all the safeguards, but slowly tiptoed back into gambling after a 2 year clean break. Gambled without problem for another 6-7 years but last couple of years managed to lose the control and back to old covering up etc.
Financially it’s a bit of a mess but not as bad as first time, however the dark feelings had returned and had an incident where some friends (who don’t know me as a gambler) were talking about some degenerate friends of theirs and made me feel sick knowing they could be talking about me.
So 2 days ago, all accounts were blocked (I’m an online sports gambler) and it’s time to reclaim my life.
Actually feeling really good knowing I’m on a path to recovery. Got some horrible short term debt problems lurking (took money from business contacts on a premise of an investment) but it can be sorted. Some overtime here, some freelancing on the side there and should manage it.
Today is Saturday. Wife is out and still have some money and typically an automatic gambling day. I understand boredom is a killer so headed into town and practiced pool for an hour before doing some shopping. Very odd for me.
Anyway, hope to keep checking in and providing updates. This is more for me than for anyone else as haven’t told anyone about my problems as done a big reveal once before and was crushing for my closest people. They don’t deserve that again, they deserve me, in the present, without sneaking around and flushing my wages down the loo.
Let’s see how we go!!!
Hello rugbyman im fairly new to the site only been gf for 4 days now just wanted to let you know I've read your thread and I'm sending support your way.
In regards to dealing with it on your own I understand we all deal with our addictions in our own way but try and have someone you can talk to especially on your down days, or even if you feel like you need a vent use this forum as a form of support we are all here for one big reason... we want to stop wasting our lives on gambling.
I'm glad you're feeling positive and want to get better. Having that drive is a big help
Good luck and best wishes
Thanks for that. Much appreciated. Was on a night out with best mate last night and when he asked what I bet on Eurovision (I go bet crazy every year on it), and I said I hadn’t had a bet, he nearly choked. Didn’t give him the full story but he’s a good mate and on my side.
Today was day 3 and thankfully the easiest so far. Some good clarity in my throughts and keeping busy is very helpful. Still in that early stage where it’s exciting not to bet, and just take it one day at a time. I have a very busy week at work upcoming which should keep me out of mischief but I’m respectful that it can pop up without notice.
But today’s a great day, because I haven’t had a bet.
Day 4.
It’s 9pm at night and thankfully another day passed without incident and no bet. Been really busy at work which to be fair has always been my go to when things are bad financially on the betting. Thankfully now I’m not tuning into horse racing half way through my day on my headphones. Got a bit down today thinking about my short term debt problem. I owe out about 3-4 months disposable income, probably 5 when interest added to cover the immediate shortfall. Unfortunately I’ve done the crime so I guess I have to do some time. Still feeling positive though. A pal who I sometimes work for once a month or so is trying to get me a little extra work and now all of my efforts are into working hard to clear the debt.
Surprising the things you forgot about when your gambling. If there’s nothing in TV that was normally my cue to have a sneaky bet. But tonight I cleaned the kitchen (v odd) and missus surprised!
Still feeling good, but know the road is long. One step at a time!
the money is nothing versus the time we have spent away from loved ones
Thought it would be good to record finances. So here goes.
Old debts - Around 6k
Debts to friends - Around 2k
‘Business Investments’ (Basically money I borrowed on the premise of a business opp. - Aroudn 4K and growing 500 a month because of ‘earnings to them’. Basically me footing interest.
That has to go first, then friends, then old debt. Work is good and earning well so the plan is there. Time to execute
Day 5.
Not a huge amount to report. Another busy day at work which kept all thoughts away, and after work went shopping with the missus and transferred her the money for it. She thought it was odd especially as I wait til she asks me for money then have to text friends to get it transferred before giving to her. All a bit pathetic in retrospect but just another one of my traits I’d like to wave goodbye to.
Wife is away at weekend so potential for boredom so filled Saturday afternoon with drinks with friends. Trying to make plans Friday as well. Still feeling v good and still prepared for first bad day. Always on guard.
But it’s another good day because it’s another no bet.
Day 6.
Interesting gambling story for today is one of the office lads queried why I was eating my lunch in the office. As sure as night followed day, every lunch for the past year or so was an hour in the bookies betting on dogs. It was probably the only profitable betting I was doing because I was price pinching against the exchanges. All pointless though because if I did win a hundred or two, at least half would find its way to the machine and the rest would go whenever. Next day, next week, I’d have it for a bit but it would always find a way out my hands eventually.
I’m in a bowling league on a wednesday and managed a win tonight. First win in 8 weeks. Maybe because mind not on betting? Who knows.
Early days but feeling good. Busy is the key. One day at a time :0)
Days 7 and 8.
I’ve been reflecting on what feels different this time. I’ve gone long periods of gambling abstinence before but eventually the coil has recoiled back and got its claws back in.
Maybe it’s an acceptance that the reasons for quitting this time are not being at absolute rock bottom, but the desire to feel self worth and not feel hostage to a situation.
Maybe because I feel it’s the final piece of the puzzle missing. Its taken 15 years to find a career I love, 10 years to have a relationship I’m grateful for and happy with, and it’s all undermined by my actions of choosing to bet.
I feel at peace with my past, and am excited for the future. A low day will come and an urge will appear. That’s a certainty, but I just have to be prepared for when it hits.
But still no bet, and that’s all that counts
Day 10.
Something good from today and that is prt of my short term debt worries are sorted, still a couple of loose ends to iron out but progress being made.
I would also say today felt like the first day that I didn’t have to conciously till myself ‘I’m not gambling today’. It just never happened.
Remembering my own previous experiences and reading diaries on here, I know these great days become more frequent as your problems are dealt with and new things replace the gambling in your life.
Nothing for granted though. I can only focus on today. And it was a good day as no bet.
Day 17.
I’ve been reflecting on what is helping in my current run and I can’t emphasise how useful those GA sessions were 8-10 years ago. A lot of the common triggers im consciously avoiding, a big one for me is having spare time. Today is bank holiday Monday and my wife is out doing some freelance work so I’m left to my own devices for a few hours. I’ve a few quid in the bank but all of my online accounts are blocked so it isn’t a stress.
My last week has been relatively drama free, only wobbles are when I’m almost convincing myself that I’m back under control and it would be fine to have a tenner on something. It really isn’t because I’d probably have it, probably enjoy the bet and have no more bets that day. I’d then be more complacent and the bets would tip toe back in. I know how it happens as I’ve been down the road before. You just can’t have that first bet.
In my spare few hours I’m updating here, might cut the grass and reward myself with starting a new box set on Netflix.
Debt still v ugly and no quick fix coming, but today I won’t have a bet and that’s all that counts.
Keep going strong. best of luck!
Day 18.
Payday tomorrow and unfortunately still have more going out than have coming in. Going to take a few months to get this to a sensible level but just got to suck it up.
Gambling long way from thoughts today thankfullly, probably because been busy with work. Having a good think about my spare time fillers. Not sure doing chores to kill spare time is going to cut it long term so still figuring out how best to plug the gaps. I’d like to do a cinematography course but obvs can’t afford the kit yet. 8-9 months and should be in a much better position. Just another thing for the wish/incentive list. My overall mood is good and feeling calm.
No bet today. That’s all that counts.
It’s important that we tackle this situation one day at a time. As much as we want to speed up the whole process, we can’t, and the next best thing we can achieve is to go the day without gambling.
Which, like myself, is mission accomplished 🙂
Things will improve as the weeks go by. It’s about staying patient and not panicking.
You’ll get there buddy. All in good time.
Dan
Thanks Dan kind words!
Day 19.
Had a bad start to the day when my wages hit and it was 200 quid short. Things are tough enough without that. Long story but problem with payslips means I haven’t had any for a year but I generally know what I’m getting. Anyway, fast forward 2 hours with worry and work had made an error and submitted wrong amount. PHEW!!
All good from there. My first month short term debt problem got resolved easily as my friend agreed to delay a repayment until August so that covers my shortfall. Still going to be right but I can cope with that no prob.
Found a cheap holiday in September which looks like we’re going to book. Ironically my wife’s credit rating is incredible despite mine being awful so she’s agreed to book on her credit card and repay her 50 a month which I can manage.
No gambling urges at all. Without sounding like a broken record, if I’m busy, there’s no problem. Always on guard though.
Day 20.
Having a little chuckle to myself as tonight after work the missus is out, I have spare money and I have time to kill. That would have been an automatic gambling session 3 weeks ago but still feeling calm and happy that I’m not gambling.
I’m self barred from gambling sites I’m registered to by tried to register for Gamstop tonight but I couldn’t verify my details as wasn’t sure to answers to credit file questions. But annoying. Don’t feel like I need it but probably worth having for when I have more spare money and I catch a night like tonight where I’m at a bit of a loose end.
Enjoying reading through the forum but am still unsure as to my long term plan re spare time. Seeing friends more helps but not always possible. I’m sure I’ll figure it out.
Felt a little glum coming home knowing the scale of my next few months debt repayment but like I said at the start, I just have to treat this as my financial jail time. I’ll be out in no time, provided I don’t bet.
Hope everyone is good and bet free.
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