Closure - 13th Feb 2014

Day 79

Read a couple of forums about contracting, and it appears that the street's aren't paved with gold, so I'm now thinking of knocking the idea of VR on the head, and tough it out. I have a decent job, 15mins drive from home, in the middle of my comfort zone, and very little stress. Just where I need really for progressing a recovery. I can still do this and have aspirations of paying everything off in 10years (including mortgage). So I think I'll stick with it.

Michael,

I wrote my last post when I was over tired but I think you got the point I was making...

And without repeating myself too much, in the midst of all your thoughts about vr, hiding debt etc, is it not prevalent for you to start thinking about your 'triggers'?

I have just done a quick tally, think I'm now on 253 days gamble free, in comparison to the rough figure of 5110 days during which I did/might have gambled!

So most not qualified in what I say, just thought whilst hijacking your thread I share my own experience (so far)

My current reasons for not gambling include:

@ not wanting to let myself down

@ not wanting to let my wife (and family) down

@ wanting to be able to enjoy life, meals out, activities

@ still in huge debt

@ fed up of wasting my life

@ not wanting to give my money to bookies

On precious occassions some of my reasons also included

@ having no money

@ trying to hide debt

@ trying to pay off debt

@ thinking I should stop

Anyway I think some of the reasons can change or become irralavent, given time or changes in circumstance, the biggest danger I feel is, when a previously good reason becomes irrelevant, so dare I say, for you, if and when the debt is cleared, your greatest reason to not gamble disappears, on your behalf that worries me...

With a small possibility of you being in that position following round two of vr I wonder if you can utilise some of you energy into thinking about why you gamble, some of the deeper rooted reasons that is?

I've personally also found occupying my thoughts with those thoughts has been far more enjoyable than thinking all day everyday about the debt I'm in and will still be in do a number of years

Regards

Dan

Day 80 (yesterday)

Hi Dan - My current reasons for gambling at the moment are pretty much as you listed. I'm trying to work out what my trigger points are. The obvious ones are tiredness and boredom - but these are the ones that tip me over the edge, not the core trigger points. It's really difficult to know whether it's 1 or a combination. I have a number of things which I could consider as trigger points, and most of them, I believe are not under my own control anyway. I listed them here, then I've deleted them for fear that they make me out as being a shallow and unthankful person. But most of them are around the attitude of my OH.

can I be as bold as to say that those reasons may well be more like excuses?

I have had many trigger points, my dad passing away, arguments with the OH, wanting to buy things for the OH, wanting to be debt free etc,

On reflection and thanks to a great counsellor who helped me go way back...let me say at this point I was and still am quite sceptical about the whole counselling industry/tatics, I just found a counsellor that I enjoyed talking to and was in the right mindset to try and turn my mind off gambling....so I was encouraged to go back beyond gambling to look in more detail at my personality, the traits that lead/led me to gamble

as before im no expert but after reading so much of your diary, I hate to hear that you got yourself debt-free and then went back to it...

dan

Day 81

Hi Dan, On reflection - yes, you're probably right. Have to say, my counselling never really got to the point where I was encouraged to look at my personality and traits beyond gambling.

But I need to somehow get in the right mindset to start thinking about why I have done this, and god it's difficult. I need to get at the root of the problem - I can think of dozens of things that might have pushed me towards gambling and they might well be excuses. I would reckon that excuses are events that are out of my control and it's up to me to choose how to react to them. Obviously, I gambled, but that was my choice, so I suppose I need to understand the reasons why I made that choice. I'm married, with 2 kids, a decent job, a mortgage, some debt, I often get bored, I sometimes don't see eye-to-eye with my OH, I can me grumpy from time-to-time - I'm basically no different to millions of other Dads - but they don't gamble. Question is, why did I ? Having lived carefully, and within our means for many years, working up the property ladder, earning decent money, did I decide to throw down the drain, thousands of hard-earned cash ? Why did I decide to jeodardise our livelihoods for a few quick thrills ? And being bored, or having an argument with my OH, or being a but worried about my job doesn't wash and isn't the reason - it can't be.

At the moment though, I don't know - I do have some traits, which are deep-rooted, and things I've carried around with me for many years now, but I don't know whether these are at the root of the problem or not, and how they would translate into the self-destructive nature I demonstrated during 2 devistating bouts of binge gambling. It's confusing and a bit un-nerving, but I appreciate that at the very least , I need to be conciously thinking about this and understand this mindset I have.

Michael, Don't let me take you down a self destructive path, you're coping, alone, amazingly well, 80 plus days, opportunity, plenty of excuses to relapse and you continue choosing not to gamble, it's impressive and I congratulate you on your progress to date, I needed far more help to get me where I am

Sharing my own experience, I have a great family, generally healthy, more friends than I keep in contact with, an amazing wife, a good job, basically loads going for me and yet I risked huge part of that day in day out and for what?

I had a pretty good, single parent upbringing, yet throughout my life I have had incredible bouts of loneliness, I almost escape in my own mind, or look for an escape, I'm definately one of lifes dreamers, I do work very hard, regular 60/70 hour weeks, paid for 39, travelling an hour each way, doesn't leave much free time,

I have no discipline, its one of my biggest downfalls, was/is a great thing for me to blame when gambling, I want to stop but.....

You have mentioned in several posts boredom, I totally understand that, I wish o had found other ways to occupy my mind, like now I am completing part of a masters degree, loads of extra work but it's far more interesting and rewarding than gambling,

I have an addictive personality, I've alway avoided drugs (thankfully) as I know I'd be one of those addicted, so I have had to find other things to addict myself to, I started fishing again, I have done a lot o the DIY that has been neglected, I have been doing my course, it does sadden me at times when I think I may have to always have a focus I may always have to be busy but I am so much happier now than ever before,

Got to *** on with my next assignment over the next few days so won't be on here much bit thanks for engaging in conversation, it's been helping me hugely,

Take care buddy and stay strong!

Dan

Day 82

Dan, 82 days in and I''ve just spent the last hour reading your diary, and I have to congratulate you on nearly 9 gamble-free months. I read with interest your early posts, and how you battled with your initial debt mountain. I'm fortunate that I haven't resorted to Payday loans, but I have racked up £35K on CC debt (some low interest). I have also another £25K interest free owed to my parents + a whopping mortgage. So I think I'm in a similar situation to yourself, trying to earn a basic wage and taking every single opportunity to make more cash to chip away at this debt mountain. I'm aiming for Feb-2014 (hence the title of this diary), and I've managed to pay off about £3K in 3 months, so a decent start and I will continue with determination.

But this is only half of the battle - the other half, is not so easy. You can't measure it, and it's very difficult to influence. I can't say that I won't ever gamble again, and I can't say that when I pay everything off, that I will not go and blow another £50K in the space of a few months. So why do I gamble. I've been told that I lack confidence and self-esteem - and I know deep down that their's no reason for this. I make no apologies for bigging myself up here, but I'm well educated BSc & MSc, I can engage people in interesting conversation (if I'm in the mood), I can make people laugh (I can have my wife in creases - if I'm in the mood), I'm half-decent at sports, being slightly balding in my only physical deficiency (for want of a better phrase) and my wife and kids love me. So why, when I know that I'm all these people, do I cross the road and walk on the other side when I see someone I know walking along. Or if I see someone I know when I'm out and they don't see me, I do not draw their attention, or when invited to go out, do I try to make excuses not to go. I have a wide circle of friends, so why don't I stay in touch ? Why have I reduced my social life down to nothing ? Why do I have low confidence levels - I have no basis. This has always been the case, for years - that's why I decided to go away to University, to tease myself out of my shell, and for a few years it worked and I had a great time. But during the last 4 years, I've found a comfort zone, and vanished right back into that shell. Why do I do this and do my Gambling binge's relate to it ? I've got some thinking to do.

Anyway Dan, the very best of luck with your assignment, and of course, stay away from those demons !

Michael,

You are doing very well. Your awareness is great.

One thing which I thought I'd like to say, because I struggle with it badly myself..

Money management and trying to crucify ourselves to make ammends can be tough, particularly so on our partners. I, like you, have a mountain of debt and my target is July 2017. How I wish I got a lump sum from somewhere to clear off some of them and to accelerate the payments against other loans. Financially, I'm a write off for the next 6 years. It sometimes gets me down and worse again, I feel the need to inflict maximum pain on myself to make additional repayments.

I run the risk of being a real wet blanket. For example, I might want to go to the driving range but I will not spend a fiver so I don't go. I budget my daily expenditure to the smallest details. Stuff comes up, as it always does, and I try to skip lunch etc to ensure that I can pay them without having to impact the monthly household food bill or the planned trip to the cinema. The missus was talking about converting the garage a while ago and I nearly lost my life !

It p*s ses my missus off something terrible. Not only does she have to live with the outcome of my gambling and the worry of what will happen should I gamble again, but she has to put up with my penny pinching. It's a nail in the coffin.

What I'm trying to say is; Fair play to you for paying off loans at such a great rate but try not to make the same mistakes as me if you can. Today I try to live happily with my limited resources. It's tough and I'm no way there yet, but that's what I try for.

Congrats again to you.

Brian

Jeez Michael,

That was some heavy s**t in your last post. Don't be too hard on yourself though. I can be exactly the same when I see people out and about. Sometimes I will talk to them, sometime cross the street to ignore them. And most people who have families have an extemely reduced circle of friends. Most of my friends are either family or parents of my kids' friends - that's life. When I see people from back in the day, they will occasionally suggest going out for a few beers (always at the old haunts). But I never go, what's the point? You move on in life for a reason and your priorities change. We all think we won't change, but it's inevitable. Don't fight it.

There is no need to over analyse your gambling with past changes and behaviours. it's what you do going forward that counts! PMA Michael!

Cheers, Jim

Day 83

Jim, just read my last post - yes, a little heavy I think, probably trying to over-analyse the situation. Don't want to get too reflective. I've given myself a second chance, I've given up gambling for 83 days, and it gets easier every day. My state of mind has improved beyond all recognition in that time, so I'm not about to knock it. Do I need to analyse the past ? I'm not sure, can I change the person I am, or do I want to - probably not. I made a mistake, 38 years of my life was spent doing the right thing, but I slipped up once. I'm almost certain that that 1 slip-up, a few quid lost, and I was chasing losses - the rest is history. So enough of feeling sorry for myself, and onwards !

Day 84

Day off work today. Spent time with kids and wife. Nothing much else to report.

No urges.

Day 85

Picked up 3 MS assignments for £100 today - 2hrs work for 3 cups of coffee. Can't really turn that sort of work down - I must be the only 1 in the area doing this work, as no-one else seems to take these assignments up - an absolute doddle - my record is £50 for a 15min McD's. Also got my free 12 months Sky World / HD+ package installed today - another income stream that's going well for little effort - so far this year - 2 Holidays (one seriously expensive one), Sky HD World, an Ipad 2 + about an assortment of about 100 dvds/books/clothes/cds/kids toys since Jan. Decent going really + a grand for surveys & cashbacks, and I've only really scratched the surface. And yes, I know that I shouldn't be thinking about the debt and the money, but this is decent cash on top of my overtime & basic pay and it's extremely difficult to turn down.

Day 86

Need to get more sleep. Bad-tempered, grumpy and frustrated. Being overtired means I'm snappier with my OH and kids, I end up out of a routine so I'm eating more c**P, I feel more stressed and I procrastinate more.

If I want to be calmer, less stressed and more productive, it all starts with a good night's sleep, and this is the core to my recovery - seemed to remember I was tired and stressed last time I gambled. So no more nights sitting up until midnight from now on. Earlier nights and early starts - lights out 10:30, up at 05:30. Starting with tonight.

Day 87

First early night for a few weeks and I feel better for it already. Had no coffee today and feel in a much better mood.

Day 88

Felt a bit down today thinking of all of the time and money I've wasted over the years. But I'm heartened by the fact that no longer do I waste money, and no longer do I waste time.

It's a long, long road, but it gets easier day-by-day. I appreciate what I have, which is a fighting chance of putting this right. I'm lucky because I've lost nothing except for a heap of cash - which works out at about £5 a day for the rest of my life - not a great deal, and certainly nothing to get too stressed about.

VR deadline has come and passed, and I haven't applied. I need a steady, reliable income to tackle this.

Onwards and upwards !!