Closure - 13th Feb 2014

hey Mike

Just read through your diary and want to wish you the best of luck..I am in a very similar position to you where I can not tell the missus as I know that after the 3rd or 4th time this will be the end of it, no more chances. I am also trying to pay of my debts around £20k without her finding out, and I also worry that a statment will be sent even though I have set them up all online...stay strong mate and u will get there, I wish i could have stopped when i first posted in these diaries back in 09 when my debt was only around £5k...but those d**n roulette machines and my weak resolve has meant the debt is now £20k...one thing I am trying now is not to think of my debt and imagine it is not there as the more I think about it i know i will get thoughts of trying to win money to pay for it and not working to pay for it..will keep updated with your progress..best wishes

Day 70

Hi Harry, Like yourself, my main worry is that CC bill falling through the letterbox - even though they're all on-line, 1 arrived the other day ! My take on it that the more I pay off, the less the blow if she finds it. I have about 5 pretty large CC bills, although 1 may be paid off in the next month. I still have loads of credit which could be used to keep us afloat for at least 6 months, so in my heart of hearts, I know that I have a long way to go before hitting financial meltdown. But I have a huge mortgage as well - about 50-60% of our basic income goes towards mortgage and min payments on Credit Cards. I earn extra (about £500/month), so it's about 50% - still way too high. But I see this as a challenge, and it drives me on. I think that without this, I think I may start getting a little too comfortable with my situation, and things may start too slip, and even if I only achieve half as much as I'm aiming to, then that in itself is progress.

And in all of this, I'm not even thinking about gambling.

Day 71

Today I was

1. Extremely bored

2. Tired

3. Stressed about money

4. Couldn't go out due to the weather.

For the first time in 71 days, all the ingredients for me having real gambling thoughts. Only a few ifs and buts going around in my mind and it wouldn't have taken much more today to make me relapse e.g. my wife bickering, or my kids playing up. But, the voice of reason has pulled me to my senses.

Day 72

I've been fighting this for so long now, and I'm not just talking about the last 72 days. Nearly 3 years now since I started, and my life has stood still. Not a long time it may seem, but that's nearly half of my daughter's life, and this battle will go on for another few years more. I don't have any gambling urges, I'm not angry, just weary of the whole thing. I lay in the bath before, and just for a moment, thought I was going to wake up from this nightmare, back to the morning of the first day I laid a bet - 18th September 2009. God, how I would have changed that day - had a lie-in, went to the pictures, went to the football with my son, spent some money, anything to have cheered me up on that day. Oh well.

I think we all feel like that. Try to concentrate on what you have achieved. None of it has been easy,you should be so proud of yourself , I am so proud of you.

At any point in the last 72 days you could have slipped and you haven't

I have ever respect for you, I hope that I can achieve what you have best to leave the past in the past and focus on moving forward .

Regards

Kaza

Day 73

Bored today... really, really bored. Maybe I'm just a little tired. Perhaps a good night's sleep will put me right ?

You may be tired.

You may be bored.

But...

...you are not gambling!

73 days is brilliant and you should be incredibly proud of this.

Have you thought about taking up running? Just think, a 3 mile run during the evening should set you up for a comfortable night's sleep.

Just a thought...

Well done mate on your fantastic progress and keep it up!

GT

Day 74

Can't say that I haven't had any urges over the last few days GT, but I think I'm around the corner on that. Having focussed on recovery for the best part of 3 years now, day in, day out other than the 4/5 months of relapse earlier this year), I think I've lost myself. Other interests, other than repaying debt have waned during that time, and it's something I've become acutely aware of in the last few days. I'm confident that the debt will get repayed some time. But I'm reaching middle-age now, been stuck in the same job for 14 years, one that is decently paid, but not challenging at all. I've also given up on the exercise - I used to be pretty fit, running marathons and half-marathons, playing football etc. Now that's also fallen by the wayside. I'm also spending too little time with my family these days, spending time procrastinating.

So here's the idea.

1. Look around for a new work challenge - we have a round of Voluntary Redundancy coming up (and hopefully a 2nd round soon). This could be a great opportunity to (a) Get enough cash to pay off all/most of the Credit Card debt and

(b) Get a challenging and rewarding job with a chance for some career progression.

(c) Less pressure on the finances, less stress, more relaxation time to spend socialising, spending with family or exercising.

There's a decent looking vacancy, right up my street in the area (salary not advertised), but I think I'll get my CV prepared and give it a go. Wish me luck !

Michael,

Hello. I have had a read through most of your posts and it is a fantastic read !! Your honesty and self awareness is brilliant.

I read these boards but I sometimes get frustrated because a large number of the posts are those initial days and then they finish. I was the same myself though. Now I'm at just over 14 months free. Working hard with GA, Gamcare, and lately on personal change. Baby steps on the last point though.

Your entries strike me because I fear that I'll go back and what could happen if I go back. It is also good to see the determination you have to kick this for good. There were a couple of things I wanted to add;

1) Keep up your work on yourself - talking about your boredom, your frustration etc.. I firmly believe that we gamble to help us to deal with situations such as boredom or stress or success. By talking about it, you are starting the self healing process.

2) Regarding making change...... you are only 74 days in this time. I know you feel that you are under-achieveing, but 3-6 more months will not make a major difference. Sit tight and don't do anything too rash yet. Of course dusting off a CV and doing an interview will help you to explore and to build your confidence, but stability in the early days of recovery is important. Redundancy to clear your credit cards may sound good, particularly if the missus doesn't know about them, but if it means you are out of work for a while, you are snookered !

3) I can only imagine the stress of keeping this from your wife, particularly given your history. It is so difficult to tell them. I've only 'come out' once (well, half caught that time). As you know, despite the chaos at home, the support can be tremendous and can solidify your recovery. Its a call you have to make because you know the situation..... telling her is so right at so many levels but I understand if she was to leave you that this might not be the best thing to do. Do you know for certain it would be the last straw ? From what I'm going through and learning, honesty and openness is one of the big things.

I'd be interested in swapping a few messages with you Michael. You seem a good bloke. Maybe we can help each other too.

Brian

Day 75

Getting some of that determination back today - a few things that I've been following recently have really given me some real inspiration not to give up - although I don't want to go into it then despite the anomynity of this forum. I'm still tired, unproductive at work, but I have my determination to put things right again.

Brian, It would be great to swap messages, because I know that I will have tough times coming up, and this forum, and my diary have helped me so much. I've made a promise to myself to post here every single day and it's worked an absolute treat. Getting everything down, and everything off my chest, every single day. It's almost like a repository for all of my stresses and strains, locked away in this diary. If I want to revisit, it's all down here, I don't need to carry it around with me. And I actually find it more effective that the counselling I had a few years ago, which I attend once a week or once a fortnight. Anything I'm feeling stressed about, or down about is written down and any comments I receive ALWAYS help and pull me to my senses. I do feel guilty from time to time that I do not contribute to other diaries as much as I think I should, but I write so much down in this one, I'm usually out of time. Sorry, out of time again !!

Day 76

Ok, for the 1st time in about 7 years, I've created a CV and sent it to a local agency. I basically want to test the water. Too late for this round of VR, but I'm guessing that there may be a round 2. I need to dip my toe in to see if I get any bites. I believe that under the current circumstances that this is the best thing to do.

Despite the question marks over my job, my recovery, the massive debts, pressure at work in my current role and the secrecy around my 'slip' earlier this year, I'm feeling in a "what the hell" mood today - Que Sera, Sera. But, 1 things for sure, Gambling is firmly OFF the menu at the moment.

Day 77

77 days in. My last gamble seems like a long long time ago now. Can't let myself down now - really don't want to go back to square 1. In some ways, a snowball effect, the further you get in, the less the urge, and the greater the anxiety of letting yourself down.

The VR "issue" that I've allured to in previous posts has reared it's head again. I sent a CV off to a local, but fairly sizeable agency late last night. Believe it or not, at about 09:10 this morning, my mobile rang with a vacancy for a contractor post. I did say that I'd need to wait for my VR to come through before accepting any jobs, and she said that I would have no problems finding a suitable position within weeks, although it may mean I would need to move out of the area for a few months.

Contractor rates in my line of business are very good, and very probably more than I'm earning now.

This is good and bad news - good, because I have a real chance of turning my situation around - big style, bad, because it's now preying on my mind constantly. There's a risk of giving up a perfectly good, but tedious job, but my VR will cover 10 months wages. However, a quarter of staff have will be leaving, and they definately won't get the numbers during this round of VR - so who knows what will happen next.

I have an opportunity to remove the biggest stress in my life at the moment i.e. debt, and to remove the credit card debt in 1 go. The excess earnings I could make from contracting could go towards my mortgage, and with a fair wind and a bit of luck, everything Credit Cards, Mortgage, Overdrafts, would be gone by my 50th birthday. Now that would really be something worth aiming for.

Hi Michael, I bow to your far superior than mine, discipline, your daily posts are very interesting and honestly, my first, goto diary on here, please keep up the good work, for a while longer yet.

As for your last post, let's say you take vr in thenext round, you have gone 77 days without gambling but, correct me if I'm wrong, you had almost got to a desperate point, take that desperation, that pain and stress away, clear your debt, or most of it, will you still make the next 77 days gamble free?

It's not for me to comment either way about your job or for anything other than gambling issues and that what I'm thinking about?

I echo a lot of your thoughts on the 'letting myself down' mindset, I am finding abstinence easier now than ever before BUT I still have huge debt, I personally have used a counsellor, I'm not going at the moment but in a years time my debt level will be far less significant, I am already scheduling possible councillor visits for just before that time, the day I actually own £1, is actually the day I'm most fearful of,

Hope you get what I mean and once again thanks for sharing all your thoughts on here!

Regards

Dan

What a great way to start your 50s!

Now go for it!

GT

Day 78 (yesterday)

Dan - I think I understand what you mean. I did got very close to a point where the debts were cleared before falling off the wagon in spectacular fashion - I relaxed and took my guard down. So if I reach that point again, then what will have changed (?) - it's difficult to say. I think that my 78 days of abstinence is in part largely due to the worry of debt and the worry of keeping this secret - I'm basically scared of falling off the wagon - not so good mentally, but it's getting me well down the road to recovery. If I was presented with a cheque in a month or two's time, that would clear all of my debt, then where would I go ?

I have to be honest with you, in the last 78 days, I have had no counselling, no GA and, although I paid £40 for Gamblock, despite many failed attempts to get it working it still does not work. However, in spite of this - I've kept away.

In terms of getting me out of a bad situation, this sounds like a good idea, although there is an element of risk involved. Whether it happens next month, or 5 years down the line, I will need to cross that bridge. I don't know how best to prepare for it. I could put the blocks in place, and get rid of all of the credit cards.

I'm consumed by thoughts of VR and the opportunities that might soon arise, and I'm still reeling from my last gambling binge, so no thoughts of gambling today.