Day 89
Since Monday, I've stopped drinking coffee, gone to bed before 11 each night, and got up before 6 every morning. I've felt more awake and focussed today than I have for a long time. Need to keep this routine going because it's making me happier, less stressed and much more productive.
Financially, I've had an extension to a low-interest Overdraft which means that I'm now going to be able to rid myself of CC#1 entirely, and reduce the amount owed on CC#2 by £2K. I know I'm just moving debt around, but it's taking more pressure off the high interest Credit Cards, and reducing my Min Payments to less than £600 per month. Target for the next 3 months is to get CC#2 paid off before 31st Dec - difficult, but do-able. I'll then be down to 3 CC's which will be my 2012 challenge. After that, clearing up my overdrafts, and paying off my parents by 2014. Seems a long time off, but gradually, every month, the min payments reduce, and I have a little bit more in my pocket - it's almost like getting a monthly pay-rise !
Day 90
Gambling ? Pah !
Day 91
Money is coming in think and fast now. Today - Called at 0300 for work issues (overtime !), received yet another comp win worth £100 (straight on *******), offered MS fee of £40 for drinking 1 cup of coffee on the way home from work this evening - which I did (doddle), offered a 4 day all-inclusive MS holiday for my wife and I in the Algarve for nothing (of course I'd need to write a report on it) - which I had to decline (childcare ?), and maybe off to the US with work next month (all expenses paid).
Now I vent my spleen ....
On the flip side, I think my OH is really wanting to spend my money at the mo' - she's suddenly started asking for this and that, and it will all be coming out of my money. She contributes very little - although she's had opportunities in the past to contribute more, she's passed on them, which I'm OK with in principle, but she demands the lifestyle which relies entirely on what I bring in. I earned through 15mins of drinking coffee today the same as my OH earned (net) sitting in her office all day, but I nearly had to cancel my job so she didn't have to wait 15mins longer for me to pick her up. What really wound me up is the list of stuff she wants and I'm generally sick of this b*llshit. But I have to drive on with this and need to stick with what I'm doing and eventually reap the rewards, one day in the future maybe a few truths. Anyway onwards and upwards.
Day 92
Acted like a bit of a t*t in the last couple of days - please see my previous comments. Was grumpy as hell this morning and for the first time in 3 months, I logged onto a gambling site, and hovered for a few seconds over the Deposit button, but quickly enough came to my senses. I'm not starting this diary from Day 1 again - I'm coping well enough as it is without feeling that I must chase losses. I've reminded myself that my recovery has been excellent, and if I keep this up, then one day - a few years away, I will be a better position that I was when I first started gambling. Come on, payday is around the corner, I'm poised to pay off CC#1 and make a serious dent in CC#2. By Xmas this will be gone, and then it'll be the turn of CC#3.
Day 93(yesterday)
Spent the day at a 'Family Fun Day' event - which was good. No thoughts of gamblling.
Well done michael, we all have good days and bad and i too have hovered over a deposit button but the fact you didnt press it speaks volumes.
Keep on going
Day 94
Thanks Croboy. A bit of a bad week last week, but I can't put my finger on why that was. Anyway, back on the right track again.
That's the last BH until XMAS now, and I feel that a long uninterupted stretch for 3/4 months until Xmas to get my head down and start getting back into a good routine.
100 days on Sunday, and 200 days in December.
Day 95
Over 3 months ago I had my last bet now 95th day of this and still finding it tough. Debts are easing a little, but not massively, but at least I'm keeping on top of them. But alot of the debt is being paid by moving cash around. Feeling generally tired and worn-out at the moment which means I'm grumpy and bad-tempered at home. Again, keeping this from my OH is still tough, and adding to the stress. I'm not at all convinced whether this is a good idea or not, but I'm hanging onto the notion that as each card gets paid, then stress levels will reduce. Need to hold this together.
just imagine how you'd feel if you'd carried on gambling then?
3 months, going by your debts, what were you on £1500-£2000 a month?, so actually you could have been £6000 at least worse off than now,
you're making great progress, keep it up, its worth it
Hi Dan,
100% correct, gambling is not the answer. There's no way on earth I would ever claw back any amount that would be worth it. Even a few thousand would ultimately be a few months repayments, but I'd be back to square 1 - Day 1.
I'm not too concerned about not falling of the wagon, as I've been literally petrified of this happening over the last few months. I have the stomach-churning sinking feeling still with me most days - you know the feeling (?) when you suddenly realise that you've blown a months pay in 30mins - (I've actually managed to blow £9K in 3hrs) ? That feeling is still with me - even 3 months later and it counteracts any urges. Also, my OH finding out, although I think she suspects something is up - she's asked me again about the finances today (and I've bottled it again and basically lied). Nevertheless, this acts as more leverage as if that day ever arises, and it comes out (probably through a CC bill dropping though the letterbox when I'm at work even though all of the accounts are on-line), then I will need to convince her that I'm clean.
Deep down, I don't think she'll leave me, even though she threatened to last time around, but that was within about 60mins of telling her, so really the heat of the moment. But why am I so terrified of telling her ? Probably I don't want to let her down - but I have to say, if the shoe was on the other foot, then I would support her 100%, but then again, I've been through this.
I'm not sure how this is affecting me mentally, and I haven't counted my grey hairs recently, but when this is over and I have money to spend again, god I'm gonna enjoy myself BIG style - flash car, Disney holiday with the kids etc.
My target date for having EVERYTHING paid off is Feb 2014, 3 months gone, 29 to go.
Day 96
Anxious as hell today and I know why. Maybe I should come clean on this. My wife getting very nervous about our financial status as she can see me working harder than normal, and I think she can sense that I'm worried about money. I'm coping with this OK, at least I can cover the Min payments fairly well + an extra £500 or so / month. I still have a plan to get the CC bills paid by this time next year, after which time will be plain sailing. I don't know whether I should press on, but not put every single spare penny to the debt, or relax a little, and spend some on doing up the house etc. It's just the min payments are still very high - £600/month, and I have a mortgage repayment of £1300/month, £400/month gas/water/council tax/insurance bills - but with a combined income of about £4250 (including £750 xtra I earn/month). So we have about £2000 disposable income/month which to me is pretty good really and it means that we're certainly not on our arses. Getting ever closer to the 100 days. Fingers crossed for tommorrow.
Michael,
sorry to hear you're finding this so hard although in you last post you do mention being anxious but also that you're coping OK.
I am a massive advocate of confessing all. I've done it and given the same circumstance I wish I had done it earlier but also would do it again.
That said, you know you situation and so only you can decide what is best, without wishing to get 'too heavy' I hope it helps to have someone list some possible outcomes?...
Option A) Start gambling again, hope to win enough money to clear all your debts and more
Option B) Do nothing, carry on as you are, say nothing and hope you clear the debts before your wife finds out, perhaps she will never even know
Option C) Hold out till a certain point? then tell the wife that youve had a problem but its under control and that youve made great progress
Option D) Confess all, deal with the aftermath then with all out in the open, concentrate on paying off debts
I realise there are many other outcomes but just looking at those four simple ones, if the shoe was on the other foot, which one would you want your wife to choose?
I think it's also worth thinking about how much stress you are under right now, not only do you have a problem, your gambling, you have debt that you are trying to reduce AND you have a huge huge secret that you are trying to keep from your wife and family
My wife is pretty religious, with some very strong/strict views, one of which is an absolute belief that gambling is a sin - Having only been married for less than a year I was petrified that she would leave me and whilst I hadn't confessed to gambling whilst with her I had told her about my past history with a gambling problem and so believed I was on a one way path to divorce.
Thankfully she has stood by me, its not been easy, not in one bit, in many ways I have wrecked several years of her life but at least she is helping me, I have lifted a huge burden off my own shoulders, I have removed my secrets and in a couple of years we should be able to really start living our lives together, albeit with £40k+ less than we could otherwise have had.
It feels like I'm typing a lot now but I hope you continue to show the strength of character you have during the last 90+ days, I wish you well and I hope you make a decision that you're happy with
Dan
Day 97
Feeling a bit tired and a bit low today. Why do I feel so low, after 97 days, shouldn't I be feeling better by now. Anyway, really can't be bothered to write any more. Until tommorrow. Laters.
Day 98 , Day 99 & Day 1
Did something very foolish yesterday and today. I was feeling low, and somehow got it into my head that gambling was the way out and you've guessed it - I lost. I kept a record of my bets (on blackjack) and I remained even on ALL of my bets, except for the £50 ones which I lost every one. As an aside, I cannot believe that a game which is supposed to be random with a slight house edge, can take money off you at such regularity on the higher bets, but if you put £1 on, you win every time. These on-line casinos I understand are regulated, but something always strikes me as not quite right with the unrandomness of the sequences of wins and losses. It would be a dream of mine if they were found out and instructed to refund all of the money they've swindled out of the vunerable people they prey on - as though that's ever going to happen !!!
Ok, back to the real world and £400 lost - and hell it was was nearly £2000 at 1 stage. £400 is not an earth shattering amount by anyone's standards (an extra £1/day for 1 year ?). Which is about an extra 5/10mins work a day.
The only positive I can take from this is that it's reminded of the feelings that Gambling brings, and why I'm doing all of this. After 99 days, 99 FOR GOD'S SAKE, I restart the clock at 1.
I've come a long way in 3 months and this is a minor setback only. I'm starting at Day 1 again now, but in a better financial state and mental state than when I started 99 days ago. Back on the bandwagon !!
I'd fully admire the fact you've confessed on here, bit at the end of the day of nothing changes, then nothing changes.
Take care
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