Closure - 13th Feb 2014

Hi Dan,

I guess you're right. I need to break the cycle. It's such a monumental challenge, it's difficult enough holding it together for 99 days. Sick of worrying about the debt. However, this setback is the kick in the b*llocks I think I needed. I'm not giving up on this diary, as I said, the net result of the last 99 days is that I'm in a healthier state of mind and healthier state of finance. I need to press on with this, but I need to break the cycle.

Well whilst youre being kicked in the balls, aside from the obvious debt reduction, that £400 could have been used to buy yourself a small reward for reaching 100 days, paid for one of those gifts your oh wants, or better still paid for some counselling, quite a lot in fact.

Am I being harsh? Maybe so but think you need to hear it.

Still from where you were 100 days ago, you'd probably take the 1/100 ratio and you have had the cajones to admit, but in all honesty I am gutted for you right now.

Break through 100 this time, please.

I really appreciate your comments, and I'm gutted for myself as well (as expected). That's behind me now, back on the bandwagon straight away. I'm gutted, but I'm not as gutted as I was 3 months ago, on Day1 of this diary.

First £100 of the £400 wasted has been earned already this morning. Some early fruits of my labours over the last few weeks - hopefully more of that to come. And yes, it would have been £500 if I'd not blown that money, but it would have been £60K (or whatever) + £100 if I hadn't have placed that first bet on 3 years ago.

Nevertheless, this is situation as it stand now, and I battle on.

CC#1 will be gone, paid and cancelled next week and I will 4 CC's left.

I have 2 battles here - beating a gambling addiction and paying off debt. I need to tackle both separately. I will use this diary to record my recovery to Gambling, and I will start another diary elsewhere (on another web-site) to record my financial recovery.

I enjoyed reading your diary ..so similar to myself only my vice was horses dogs etc ...i am at my wits end and even though i have a good job i am living on vapour.... i earn 50k a year in a desent enough job ...and am looking for something parttime to suppliment my income..i have debts coming out of my ears from gambling BUT i am determined to pay it all back every penny i am 38 and dont want to live the rest of my life like this ....best of luck michael with this ... i myself are on day 11..of my gamble free life ..i am so determined this time

Dear Michael,

I have been following your diary from a distance and I am sorry to hear of your recent mislaspe. From reading how you describe your feelings in your diary, today was inevitable.

It was just a question of when it was going to happen and how much it would cost.

£400 might seem a small amount to lose, but quite rightly pointed out on the previous thread, you could had treated yourself with this for breaking the 100 day barrier and keeping your motivation going to success.

I don't think you should write a new diary again from scratch. I think you have done very well to get this far and how much work you contributed to your diary. I personally think you should try and 'relax' more rather than thinking about the debts so much you have no choice but to test the waters and place the deposit. Even at £2k you could not withdrawl. I hope this tells you a message why you could not withdrawl.It is the fact we are CG, winning does not make any difference. The next time you play you think you can do that it again and win more. Losing teaches us a lesson that the house cannot be beaten by CG.

Wishing you all the best again,

Sunny

Day 1

It pains me writing Day 1. In 3hrs40mins time I should have been writing Day 100 - a milestone. I'm lucky in that I've had an almighty fright in the last 24hrs but come out fairly unscathed. In the old days, a £400 loss would have meant nothing to me - but it means so much more than that now. This is a step in my recovery process, a reminder of where I'm trying to get away from. I live to fight another day. Again, I feel determined to beat this, but isn't this part of the cycle ? A determined start, and then boredom, stress, worry seeping in until eventually it's off the wagon again. It's OK me talking about this now, but in 90days time, will I be in the same position as I have been during the last week ? Questions I need to ask myself.

Hi Michael,

I got a bit of a shock when I read 'Day 1' and thankfull you didnt lose a massive amount.

That said..and its always the same at GA when someone falls off the wagon that everyone says "Oh well nevermind, you've done well to get this far, you're brave for confessing, start again etc etc" which is all true but then a part of me wants to say "You idiot, why have you done this when you were so certain you wanted to give up, think of you're family etc etc" but I know when my wife said this to me it made me feel 10 times worse than I already did.

Anyhow, I just want you to succeed Michael and would never want to kick you when you're down but then I dont think saying 'its only a pound a day over a year' etc etc is the way to go either. You have INVESTED a lot of time in your recovery, on this diary and in helping others. You need to change something (restricting your computer, your access to cash or credit, financial control to your partner to an extent) as if nothing changes, nothing changes (as a fellow poster said)

I really want you to succeed mate! Start over, start smarter and do something different this time round to ensure success.

PS a guy won a million pounds on some stupid new 'red or black' show tonight on ITV which basically has a giant roulette machine on it. Glamorises gambling completely and nobody saw the thousands of peoples faces who lost as the camera only went to the ones who won.

Day 2

Hi Croboy,

I switched that programme off. I saw the start and I thought for f*cks sake, gambling shows have made it through to mainstream TV now - which makes my blood boil. Haven't got time now to rant and rave, but I'd reckon there's a bow-wave of CG's on the horizon heading our way.

Anyway underway with Day 2 - Ho-hum.

had an idea whilst at work today,

I think you should get a jar/pot/container in which you put £1 every day.

You're not allowed to open it until you have £400 in there.

I think it's a good idea because:

It will remind you every day about how gambling makes you feel

It will make you realise that £1 a day does add up

It will give you a great target

£400 is enough to really enjoy yourself (you get to treat yourself once you make £400)

It will be a pain in the a**e, unless you're away you have to physically put a pound in everyday (no £20, that'll cover a few days ideas!)

You don't have to explain why you're doing it to your OH but can be clear that you are setting a target and wont touch the money until you have reached £400 (you could even treat her to a night away)

£400 is a harsh but great target, if you make it, think how much your other debt will have reduced by

£400 will be a (negative) reminder of your last ever gambling session

It gives you something else to think about, hopefully more positive

Just an idea anyway but I think it's a good one, am going to do the same myself but for different targets.

Day 2

Dan,

That's a tremendous idea. £400 in 400 days - brilliant. Day 400 of my recovery, next Christmas and is definately something I will start - and as I write here, £2 has fallen out of my wallet.

Starting again, with a few changes, and a shift in emphasis.

Spent some quality time with the family today - mind still on the debt, but I do not want to get in the situation I was last week - the debt problem weighing most heavily.

However, your comment "if nothing changes, then nothing changes" is still forefront of my thoughts - I know what you mean when you say this.

Day 3

£3 in the jar now. The weekend's blip still in my mind, but pressing on. Getting the debt down will definately improve my mood. Got everything in place to pay off CC#1 entirely, and focus all attention on CC#2 - 65 lots of £100. Making changes at home, hope it will last.

Hi Michael...just seen your post on my diary. I haven't been on here in a couple of weeks and am shocked to say the least that you have fallen off the wagon! But you must see that the 99 days prior to your blip have changed your way of thinking completely. You said that losing £400 when you were at your peak would not have meant an awful lot and you wouldn't have thought twice about depositing more...at least over the last few months your attitude towards the value of money has changed and you realise that £400 is actually quite a lot to lose! It would have been so easy for you to just deposit another few thousand so well done for not completely destroying all your hard work at paying your debts off.

I myself have had a horrendous couple of weeks. Not huge losses financially but basically I have been completely shafted by a casino i joined. Deposited £190, got a £95 bonus...played roulette. Worked my way up to £1700...went to withdraw, they advised that the bonus would be deducted (fair enough). Then I get an email saying that I had not met wagering requirements (in all honesty I don't even think I used the bonus, only my £190). They said that I could go away and try and meet the wagering requirements (£8550) or reset my account to the £190! I said I would go and play the slots (which I never ever play). Anyway as luck would have it I managed to win on the slots and meet the wagering requirements. I obtained proof from the support team and everything. So went back on to roulette...worked my way up to £3500 and am so happy as I have now paid off my credit card and can even put a bit of money aside. I request the withdrawal...after 3 days I get an email saying my winnings had been voided because I had used the bonus in unallowed games. I swear I am totally totally gutted. They reset my account back to £290 and I tried to work it back up but thats now gone. Have complained via phone and email but they are just not having any of it. Am so upset I hate every online casino that ever existed!!!! Anyway....have been trying to pick myself up today (only found out the bad news yesterday) but I feel totally deflated. We had loads of things go wrong with the car etc etc and money that we weren't expecting to be paid out had to be spent and those winnings were going to cover all of that and more. Haven't been eating or sleeping and if I could afford it I think I would just drink myself into a coma every night. Wish there was an official complaints committee I could go to!!

Anyway...not been updating my diary...don't think it works for me I'm afraid. Am going back to having no cards at home as thats the only thing that seems to work.

Don't let your blip hinder your recovery you have done so well 🙂 xxx

Day 4

Hi Shorty - It's a long-time since I heard from you last, and it's good to know that your sticking with me on this. You're right, my mindset has changed - I did chase a loss for a while, but for once gave up on an amount < £500.

As I've said in earlier posts, I have grave doubts as to the legality of some of these On-Line Casino practices - I even suspect that their software is rigged. It's all s-h-i-t to be honest and where the unfortunate souls who have been snagged.

But you and I know that we're the lucky in so much that we have a chance of ridding ourselves of this for good. We have the means to pay off the debt caused by this, although it's not easy, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and in a matter of a few years, which is nothing really, this can all be a distant memory.

We've both fallen of the wagon of late, and to be honest, I'm gutted. However, I'm proud of the fact that I've seen sense quick enough to climb back on straightaway and continue on where I left off. I'm really really hoping that you will see the sense in doing likewise - it's the only way.

Best of luck Shorty - you know it makes sense.

How ever many times we fall off our horse we get back on. Learning why we fell is the key.

Well done Michael, I've read your diary and your making great progress.

I too agree with what you and Shorty have just said. Online Casino's are bent. I'm not just saying it because I've lost money over the years. I don't have any feelings about them now, no anger or anything (although I'm only just over a week clean). I think once you've realised and accepted that they will always win, it makes it so much easier.

Just to share a quick story (sorry to hijack your thread Michael), I set up a new account a few weeks back. I deposited £500 and played Roulette. I worked it up to around £550 and then I was backing my losses. My balance was down to £300 and I was about to put a £200 bet on to bring my balance back up. For some reason the session timed out and my game ended. I couldn't log back in due to a "security" warning.

Basically, I had to send them ID of who I was to continue using the website. I know sites do this when your trying to make a first withdrawal (fair enough) but they just closed my account half way through a live game. When I eventually could log back in, my balance was about £100 or so. That last £200 bet was honoured (although I never saw the result) and it lost. When emailed them to complain, they didn't want to know.

I learnt my lesson then.

whilst we're hijacking m35's thread...

there are just so many stories of a similar vain, I was in the midst of my worst ever gambling spree and had gambled a few hundred up to £2500 but as i'd be 'given' a bonus I still had to wager another £4000 worth so I started putting some stupid bets on, I had been playing for hours and backed 13 the whole time, it hadn't come in and so i started to add £10 a spin to 13, ended up with £100 (max bet) straight up, £300 across splits and was down to last three bets (based on funds left) and 13 rolls in, ball had stopped and everything, screen froze with just the wheel spinning and 13 sat there, I waited an age, then tried a refresh and the classic 'you've timed out message same up' logged back in and no sign of money, after multiple emails and phone calls, threats of legal action etc etc, they sent me through a full list of my game results, the last one being 22.

Sadly even this blatant con didn't stop me from gambling, I just held the morale high ground and never used that site again.

for about a week.

It's funny how as I write this story I feel so dissapointed in myself for ever choosing to gamble.

still 250 days now and things are far more positive.