Closure - 13th Feb 2014

Michael,

croboy, is of course, quite right, it is totally down to you and I didnt mean to pressure you into thinking you needed to confess....I was just trying to say you might have to cut your OH a bit more slack, she has no idea what you are going through and so wont understand your mood swings

but its good to hear you feel more positive

Hi Micheal,

For what it,s worth i feel you must do what you feel best regarding opening up to your OH.You and only you have a good idea of the best thing to do.If she will use it against you and throw it in your face then this may well have an extremely negative effect on your recovery.Its to easy for us to advise but we can only best guess each others situation.We are all in different situations but fighting one and the same battle.Its not an ideal situation but its not an ideal world either my friend , and as they say, " whatever works for you. "

Stay strong and keep up the good work.

All the best

Steven

Day 15

Things are good between my OH and I at the moment. I feel some regret for the things I've wrote previously, but I see this diary as a tool to vent my spleen from time to time. All part and parcel of recovery I suppose. Another day goes by with me delaying telling my other half. But if nothing else, gambling thoughts are further from my mind. Deep down, I don't think I can tell her. Barring a recent blip, I think I've done pretty good so far. But I need to press on, clearing up the mess I've caused.

You are in a positive frame of mind and thats good.Write down the positives now and use them if you feel low.As i said earlier each of our circumstances are different.You risk her finding out by other means if you dont tell her and the consequences that follow only you can guess at.You also risk the retaliation of it constantly being thrown in your face if you do tell her as you said earlier in your diary.Its your call my friend,personaly i feel you are doing excellent.Allow some treats though as fighting the battle and beating down the debt can be as addictive and destructive as the gambling addiction that gets us in this position in the first place.Its a fine line my friend and that line differs for us all.

Stay strong and keep going.

All the best

Steven

Day 16 & 17

Zero gambling urges. Need to keep on the straight and narrow.

Just had a look at my CC debt on 29/05/11. The 1st day I posted on this diary - £35918. Today this stands at £30979. At this rate, should all be paid off by early 2014. However, should get a couple of payrises between now and then + interest paid should continue to reduce at a much quicker rate, so I hope to knock 6 months off this.

Well done, two whole weeks. That's great.

Keep it up!

GT

Day 18

Day 18 - piece of cake. Gambling hasn't entered my mind once for at least a week.

It's at these times when I think how on earth the urges creep up on you - it's very difficult to fathom out. Anyway, for the time being, all OK.

Day 19

Another day - no probs. Nothing to report - just keeping my head down, focussing on the next task and that only, not giving Gambling a second thought to be honest. Driving this through, sleeping better, feeling stronger, reducing the debt - slowly but surely, getting to where I want to be.

Hi Micheal,

The best days can sometimes be the " Nothing to report days" as they mean you have not been thinking about gambling.

I am gald to read things are better too with your OH.Its not easy trying to juggle the emotional rollercoaster of the gambling world aftermath.

I can totaly sympathise with your dilema though and hope you can come through it soon.You have made fantastic inroads into the debt which has to be commended.as you say the more you pay the less interest you owe so it goes down faster.

Keep posting and keep up the good work mate,you have alot of support and people cheering you on to that finishing line my friend.

All the best

Steven

Day 20

Minor landmark - 20 days (small cheer).

My OH has been fretting again about cash today - having spent £380 on a pair of curtains, and feeling guilty for it. She senses something is not right - as she has for months now. I've reassured her again, that money is OK, and in truth it is - but I'm witholding the truth. Debt is melting away, £1000/month, min payments reduce, interest reduce - 12 more months of this, and I'm hoping to be down to a 'normal' level of debt. I'm bottling this in the hope that her anxiety melts away with every coming month, and I believe it will.

Anyway, same message, as every day - need to keep my head down, because when I haven't, when I've lost focus, or stressed unduly about work, or money, or family, then that's when I fall backwards. I'm responsible for my own actions, and only them. Need to remember this and stop worrying about things or people I have no control over.

Day 21

I'm getting out of the habit of reading other diaries. I just log on, put a few words into my own diary, and log off. However, this evening, I've had a hugely humbling experience reading some other diaries, which has really put some perspective around this. Gambling is an evil addiction, which can be overcome - we all know this and this web-site is littered with success stories, and folks, gambling - come on we're above this. We don't need it - end of.

Reading my previous posts, I've been getting really petty about stuff recently, getting annoyed at daft things that really aren't even worth bothering about, not even worth wasting time writing down. Ok, paying off debt is important, and if I keep going the way I am, one day I might be driving around in a Jag, or sitting in a jacuzzi in my garden. But I have to remind myself that I'm not about to lose my home, that I have a decent job, kids are fed and watered, we have decent enough holidays each year, but for god sake, life is for living, not for paying off debt - I need to remember this.

You make a very valid point about being too ' driven ' in trying to reduce debt.

Yes, the whole country is in the s*it financially and, yes, there does seem to have been a concerted effort by the ordinary Joe to try to reduce his or her liabilities. Despite those muli-millionaire clowns Cameron and Osborne coming out with tosh like " We're all in this together " - they wouldn't recognise real life if it bit them on the b*m - people are realising that debt does matter.

That said, being too obssessed about it isn't good for us either. There needs to be a balance Michael, so that you ' switch off ' and relax a little.

Feb 2014 may only be just around the corner but don't drive yourself into the ground getting there.

Blackjack

Day 22

Blackjack - I couldn't agree more. I'm can't change the way I am, and what drove me to Gambling in first place (an escape and a bit of fun) is not the same reason which has tempted me back since (chasing losses). Fundamentally, I'm the same person now as I was a 3 years ago, before this all started, but I need a reality check every so often. This recovery is all about getting the right balance between enjoying life, and putting right the financial mess I'm in and I need to remain forever concious of that.

In terms of this "we're in this together" c**P - personally, I ignore it. As far as I'm concerned, we could blame the banks for letting us borrow money, but we are the customer at the end of the day, and we make the choice about who we choose to do business with. Government could take some of the blame, but the banks have got into trouble, Government has bailed them out, and passed the burden back onto us in taxes, benefit cuts, public service cuts - the argument goes on long and hard about who is to blame for the financial mess. But at the end of the day, it's us that have the power to make choices, choices on who we have governing us, who we do business with, and how we waste our money, or whether we blow our hard-earned cash, and it's the choices you make which affects who you are - and it's only you who can make them.

So the lesson to myself today is, that I'm going to focus on what choices I have each day, and if I make the wrong choice, then I only have myself to blame.

Day 23

Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed today. No thoughts of you-know-what. Picking these days off one at a time. Determined to make it to 100days, which, to the minute will be at 13:15, 31/12/2011.

Day 25

Just noticed I didn't post on Friday, so I've lost a day, today is Day 25, not Day 24 !! Woo-hoo - quarter of a century !

Apart from that, everything is ticking on nicely, getting slightly nervous about Xmas expense, need to keep the reigns on it this year.

Gambling thoughts ? A big fat zero !