Closure - 13th Feb 2014

Feel a bit stupid today after more rants. I feel a bit remorseful - is this cold turkey, and some pent-up anger being directed at whoever is in the firing line (?) - probably. But I know I can't act like this again.

Croboy - 100% right there. Non-gamblers do not understand gamblers, like non-drinkers don't understand alcoholics, etc etc. It's a fact, and if I'd have never got into the mess I'm in now, then I'd probably be the same - looking down my nose at alcoholics, drug users, gamblers - but I don't anymore. If any good has come out of this, is that I can emphasise deeply with anyone who has been snagged or directly affected by an addiction.

But I battle alone, I just don't think my nearest and dearest really understand. Of the people who I confessed to before, I basically had the message "Don't gamble", and not another word said. My OH, got me a number of a local support group, which I attended for a few months, but nothing else. It was business as usual within a week of confessing all basically, at it wasn't really mentioned again. When a credit card bill came through the post in April of this year, I got the question "We don't have any financial issues ?", in a very suspicious and aggressive way. If my OH had said "Listen, you know I'm always here for you if you need to talk to someone about anything", then I'd probably open up. But I feel like she's a coiled spring ready to explode. I work my socks, she knows that, I work 70hr weeks, easy and bring in 5 times what she brings in - so there's only 1 person who will get us out of this financial mess, like there's only 1 person who's going to defeat these demons. I could fess up, but what will that do ?

(a) Probably an eruption of argument and bad feeling between me and my OH.

(b) Parents will probably disown me - as they alluded to when I initially confessed all.

(c) Any access to means of paying this off quickly will be taken from me.

(d) My wife will take over the money which means a slow and painful recovery and tight reigns on finances that I have now will slacken enormously (rich coming from me as I've just lost 10's thousands !). My OH spends what she has basically - it appears to be a family trait where overspending and bankruptcy are common.

(e) Any issues that arise in the future, my OH will use my gambling as an excuse to get back at me. She's used this below the belt ploy in the past.

I know I know I know that the generally feeling of most contributors to this forum is that you should confess in an open way. Having done it once, I would recommend it only because my parents threw me a financial lifeline, which this time would not happen. But the emotional strain of confessing all was enormous, as relationships become strained, and your made to feel that you've let everyone down every day.

I awake EVERY morning at 6, and rattle through 2hrs of work, before most people have had breakfast. I do an 1hrs xtra work at lunchtime, and another 2 at night, on top of a full-time job. I've done this for 2.5 years now, EVERY day, paying the price and I'm only halfway there. I want to blast this out of the water once and for all !

Day 8

Back with a smile stamped on my face. My wife has basically said that I need to change. I'm incredibly stressed about my job situation and it's quite clear that she we won't support me. So, what the hell, nearest and dearest couldn't give a s**t. Anyway, I didn't tell her,obviously she's not interested, that it sounds that I'll be receiving a letter in the next few days telling me whether I have a job.

Anyway, back to the here and now, more pressing points are over which extremely expensive wallpaper from Laura Ashley to choose for our Dining room - now my wife needs some help, and she's 'spat the dummy out' because I've left the choice to her - so I have to try and show an interest.

Michael,

great diary and hope that you (both) can get through these times. A few observations;

1- Your wife may either be sticking her head in the sand re gamblig or else she's worried about it but in denial.

2- I was laughing when you spoke about the wallpaper and the way OH's spend money. Drives me crazy too. Mine keeps talking about converting the garage.. with what money???!!! I'm busting myself to meet debt repayments... tired of banana sanwiches for lunch etc..

3- Staying away from gambling is only part of your 'recovery'. Achieving peace is the other. (I don't mean to preach etc.., I'm certaintly not qualified to do so)

4- I've had parents bail out 15 months ago, so I find your diary fascinating and scary. I dread being in your shoes and that motivates me.

5- I struggle to understand the female brain sometimes. It's either no talking or else talking everything to death. Recovery for me means that I try to be an open book which means that I have to learn to talk about my thoughts and to listen to my OH's thoughts. Its a lot of effort but its slowly paying off. If stuff is going to come out (i.e. gambling) its best to come from you rather than a letter from the bank.

I wish you the best of strength.

Brian

Michael,

Our stories are/were similar in many ways, trying to 'fix' this by hard work and secrecy, similar amounts, similar compulsive personalities etc.. I wanted to ask you a question, if thats OK. I'm at 15 months into being on the wagon, so I'm curious as to what your logic was to going back to gambling in Jan 2011?

I'm also coming to the conclusion that chasing debt repayment at the expense of being there for my family constitutes gambling behaviour. What do you think ?

Thanks,

Brian

Day 9

Firstly, feeling guilty about acting like a prat this week. At the end of the day, I chosen to act the way I have, and I have to remind myself of this. I'm embarrassed about spending the week slagging off my OH. If I wasn't up to my eyeballs in debt, and recovering from this addiction, would I have reacted the same way ? No.

Anyway, the axe is falling at work, but it seems I have escaped it this round. Still utterly depressed about valued colleagues I've worked with for 10+ years having to wait on a letter through the post to say whether they have a job next week.

Brian - In answer to your question - Why did I go back to gambling in Jan 2011 ? I don't have the exact answer on this. There were a number of contributory factors I believe - in terms of the debt, I was almost there, down to the last few thousand on my CC - like a child waiting for Xmas, couldn't bear to wait another few months to pay it off, so decided the try and win it. I wasn't in the best of moods during that month, an expensive Xmas, tired in general, also a decision about my Sister-in-law coming to stay at our house for 6 months (and she's really hard-work) being made without my consultation because, in my eyes, she couldn't be a*sed to find a place of her own. I had an excellent routine going at the time, making extra cash, paying off the debt, etc etc etc, and I think that having done it for 2 years, someone landing up on the doorstep and disrupting knocked me a bit. But really, no excuse for what I did.

Your 2nd point about chasing debt repayment at the expense of being there for my family constitutes gambling behaviour. You've certainly got me thinking on this, and I think in alot of respects, it's true. Are you talking about the endless hours spent in front of a computer screen, or the way that I feel that I'm addicted to paying this off. Every single second I spend alone at the moment, I spend thinking about what my next move is on paying this debt off - it's like an obsession. I dream of that day when my CC's are paid off, and I'm constantly reviewing, and re-reviewing that end date. I'm not sure how this is affecting my mental state, but I'm thinking about it 24*7 now. When I had my latest 'blip' is was obssessed with gambling, and spent all day wondering about my next gambling 'fix'.

So far I think I've done great - about 6k now off the CC's since beginning of June, and that makes me happy. But I'm obsessed.

Like you, I am constantly thinking towards the day that I become loan and debt free.

That day WILL come and boy, will it feel great!

However, it is also very important to realise that it will also be a day when we will have money like we have never have had before.

And we really must remember never, ever to be in the position that we are in again.

What really matters right now is that you are now on day 9 gamble free and that is 9 whole days of potentially 10 grand that you have kept to yourself.

Now that must make you feel relieved.

Enjoy your weekend and try and put those debt worries at the back of your mind.

GT

Michael,

Thanks for the reply. The reason I asked about the 'gambling behaviour' is that its something that I've been looking at on and off for a while. I've been at GA now for almost 16 months and at the start I couldn't get what they were talking about. I also see a lot of myself in you. I still have lots of excel sheets and graphs and macros to plot debt repayment and I like that kind of thing but I try not to let it rule my life.

The thing is that I realise that I have to live in the meantime. At first I didn't get that. Sounds basic, but I didn't really get it. I was busting myself to make extra repayments but missing the bigger picture. I was essentially writing off my life for the next 6 years and life is too short for that. Instead, I'm looking at addressing issues of honesty, openess and determination to do this recovery thing. The debts will tick off and I am making a decent lump off each month but i've decided that my kids, my wife and my sanity come first. My penny pinching, secretive compulsion about money had the same impact on those around me as my gambling did.

This honesty and openess has been more difficult for me than purely not gambling, but I guess they are strongly linked together anyway.

Last but not least, we're all different and recoveries are different so whatever works best for you, I wish you the best of strength.

Brian

Day 10

No bother !

Day 11

What's happening to me. My OH has had yet another go at me yesterday. To cut a long story short, I've tried to talk to her about the s**t going down at work, and she's basically said "I don't want to have this conversation", and she's obviously seen how annoyed I was with her, and she's come back and said that I'm acting childish. It's all getting a bit petty really.

I could books/volumes on my grievances/annoyances with my other half. But this is about my gambling recovery, and once again, this has re-inforced my feeling that I'm on my own with this, and at the moment, I cannot bear 'family time', and I just feel utter resentment towards my OH.

But I need to get through this first, ride this out for a couple of years, at which point, I think a few home truths are in order.

this is meant as a question, not a dig... do you ever think your OH may suspect you are hiding things from her? Why should she treat you any different when you choose to hide your own problems from her?

I've said before I think confessing is the 'best' answer but understand why you might choose not to, but just playing devils advocate and trying to look at what she may be thinking? - she knows you work hard, have a good job and from what you tell her, there should be no reason she cant 'afford' all the treats she wants?

Day 12

Dan, Very probably. Maybe's I should confess all.

Day 13

Still preying on my mind - confessing all. I'm pretty certain what the reaction will be - and it won't be good. Do I risk splitting up the family ?

Meanwhile, continuing to make serious dents in the debt.

Confessing all would take a massive weight off your mind.

You could show them your 48 pages of your diary to prove that you really are determined to stop this madness and become a better person.

And with your family's support, you will.

Hope this helps.

"Meanwhile, continuing to make serious dents in the debt."

Your last line really does say it all.

GT

Without getting into the morality of withholding info from wives/partners I think only Michael can decide what's best to do in relation to disclosure. At GA i've heard it said 'tell who you're comfortable with' and I think you have to weigh up the pro's and cons of each situation. I did tell my wife but I didnt tell my father as no good would come of it. I know he wouldnt be supportive, would remind me of it constantly and genuinely have a negative effect (i do actually love him by the way, sounds like I dont). Anyhow, im just saying do you're own thing Michael, I worry that you have little support from those around you (lots online of course) but good luck mate.

Day 14

I've actually felt more positive about things for a long time, and there's light at the end of the debt mountain. I'm getting through this, and since self-excluding, 0 gambling thoughts whatsoever. I'm covering the min payments, and provided I get through the next round of VR at work, which I think I should, then I'm hoping that it's plain sailing for the foreseeable future. And it's the debt that's getting me down the most, and whatever mindset I try to get myself into 'the debt will take care of itself ... etc', my mind always wanders back. I've tackled it head on in the last 4/5 months, and I intend to keep fighting it. As every month passes, I lose another £25 min payments, this weight is slowly but surely lifting.

In terms of my mental state, I'm now accustomed to the stress, it's accepted, and it's part and parcel of this. I'm often hopelessly optimistic about things, it's the way I am, and this is getting me through. I even dreamt up a massive plan of having this paid my next August. Spirits are high at the moment.

The OH dilemma still preys on my mind.