Closure - 13th Feb 2014

Day 57

Piling on with this. A long long road, but 57 days along. Time spent with family today - my son's team won again today ! (Top of the league now - get in !!). 1 false move - I know what may happen, I stand to lose everything, house, job, family. I've thought of nothing else in the last 57 days, and it's imprinted in my brain.

Any thoughts of gambling I have, are completely and utterly wiped out, I mean obliterated, with the thought of the amount of work I've put into this during the 57 days. I know I must at some point, take my foot off the gas, but this approach is working an absolute treat for me at the moment.

Day 58

Incredibly bad-tempered today. I initially wrote in this post, slagging off my wife. I know I love my family, but I feel that she really takes the *** at times. Maybe I'll keep these details for another post - just to say, her awkwardness, stubborness, bone idleness, arrogance and total disregard every I've given her just really really winds me up and big style.

I have to say, and I'm not going back to gambling, but my gambling initially started straight after these feelings, and again, when I fell off the wagon in January.

Stay strong this time Michael, don't let things get on top of you. Feelings are exactly that, feelings, not commands or directives to go and do things we shouldn't do, so continue to do as you've been doing and I'm sure they will pass.

Stay strong and focussed, one day at a time you're doing brilliant. All the best.

Day 59

Conrad - thanks for that. I've just read yesterday's post and I feel a little embarrassed by what I've written. Anyway, holidays today with the kids, for 5 days, so another 5 days away from temptation - will be 2 months gamble free by the time I get back.

Day 63

Just returned from hols. Had a decent enough time - one of those where the kids or missus just weren't in the right frame of mind for outdoor activities. So returned a bit knackered after a 600mile round trip - but hey, quality time with the family, and no gambling.

Gambling is becoming more of a distant memory (OK it's only 2 months), but that voice in my head saying ("Go on, £50 won't hurt!"), is quite easily drowned out now by the voice of reason - which is great.

Anyway, this holiday was another 1 of those competition wins, 2nd 1 this year, so it's great that we haven't had to fork out for one.

But I'm sick of having to watch out for every penny - having to cover min payments of £700/mth, £400 interest - which I'm managing, just.

I cannot wait for the day that these debts are paid off - I'd fix up the house, buy a new car, take the kids to Disney and pay off the mortgage.

Call me materialistic, but this is what is still really driving me on, because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I know what I need to do to get there. It's keeping me away from Gambling and it's keeping me going.

Day 65

Away camping this weekend - 1st time ever with the family. Hard work, and tiring, but another 2 gamble free days in the bag ! Just over 1 month to 100 days !

Hi Michael,

I'm still 3 behind you! I have literally not even had time to think about gambling this weekend, which suits me. Looking forward to the centuries soon!

Cheers, Jim

Day 66

A bit of a downer today. We're getting offered Voluntary Redundancy at work - letters are in the post. Been there for 14years, so I think I'll get a sizeable amount, and it would probably pay pretty much all of my CC debts of entirely. But, I need to find a job, and one which pays as well as the one I have now. So, unless it's something spectacular, I guess I'll be sitting tight where I am. I reckon I'll get about 6-9 months offered, tax free, which is OK, but I have a family member who has just taken redundancy and got 4* his annual salary - he works for local government, so that'll obviously come out of Council tax payers money. I'd snap their hands off if they offered me that - but it won't happen.

Also, lots of s**t happening at work, lots of projects coming up, and lots of work.

However, it looks like the bank have extended my low-cost overdraft, so it does mean that I'll be able to get rid of CC#1 by next month, and also, I'll be able to Balance transfer at 0% from CC#3 to CC#2, which I hope to have payed off by October. I'll then hammer away at CC#3, so hopefully have this paid off my Easter 2012, which will leave only 2 Credit Cards left !!

Day 67

Feeling extremely stressed and down today. A number of things

a. My wife has asked me about money, saying that she see's me working all of the time and that she feels that she's spending too much money. She asked again whether we are OK with money, and I said yes - I bottled it, my wife asked the question and I didn't tell the truth. Why not ? Because I believe I have it under control and I think I can sort it myself, and I think that the consequences of confessing all will be far worse than the conseqences of 18 months of debt repayments. What a situation I'm in - I shudder to think what would happen if my OH were to find out.

b. I've had my VR letter through. Not a bad payout, enough to keep us afloat for 9 months or pay off all of my CC debts, leaving us with nothing. However, I couldn't guarantee that I'd find work immediately, and I very much doubt it would be on the same earnings as I am on now. Not sure whether it's worth getting myself stressed about really - whether I forget it, or whether I dust my CV down and get looking - however, I have only 3 weeks to decide, so I doubt I'd have anything in place by then anyway.

c. Under pressure at work to deliver some important project work, with an impatient and generally confrontational boss.

d. General post-gambling addiction blues and huge debt issues.

Mind you, in the past, I would have probably turned to gambling as an escape from this, but I'm pleased that despite this, I feel very little urge to 'escape' and what urge is there is quickly extinguished by the voice of reason.

Hi Michael,

You have all these stresses but the bottom line is, you haven't lapsed and still going strong. If you take gambling out of the equation completely you would still have all of these stresses, just in the past we would have 'escaped' and made it 10 times worse.

If you pardon the pun, the redundancy is a 'gamble' in itself. My friend took his last year thinking he'd walk into another job and is still looking, redundancy money now gone and miserable getting turned down for jobs etc. Your situation could be the opposite, i dont know but personally i think if you have a well paid job, a bird in the hand etc in this current economy.

The wife thing is difficult. When i confessed all about gambling i felt guilty and at times had it thrown in myl face when i objected to over the top spending. Maybe you aren't reigning her in out of guilt, or the potential situation where she says 'how dare you complain about me buying....when you spent £00000's on a spinning ball..'.

Day 68

Thanks Croboy - I'm feeling a little bit better today. Looking back on the last 68 days, I've experienced a few highs, some lows, and some rock-bottom lows. It's difficult to ascertain what exactly gets me down the most.

When I have no other pressures, then the gambling is not an issue, and I feel focussed and energised with a concrete course of action and light at the end of the tunnel. I've never gambled for gambling's sake. I've found it in the past a release from Stress and Pressure of life, which for some time feels great. But as you get sucked in, the stress and pressure's I was trying to escape suddenly become miniscule compared to the problem you've created for yourself through gambling.

First time around, Sat, 18th September 2009. The pressure was, that we'd taken on a huge mortgage, and then spent most of our excess cash in furnishing our new home. I was stressed because I was worried about paying the mortgage. I tried to find ways of making extra cash, and took a Cashback offer in an on-line casino to gamble £10, with £10 free + £20 cashback- but looking back, we could easily afford the mortgage, and have plenty to spare. From £10, I won about £100. I tried another on-line casino, and more-or-less the same thing happened again. I then tried again, and lost - I remember, about £700 and I was horrified with myself. I tried to win it back and lost another £2000, and the slippery slope began. For 6 months I found credit incredibly easy to find, I chased losses getting well in over my head, before confessing all. I had support and help from wife and parents, but I relapsed in January this year, and I was almost there with the Credit Cards, I had about £5000 to go, but between Jan and May of this year, I lost big and chased losses, losing about another £25,000. From a measely win on £10 bet, probably on 1 turn of a card that if I'd lost, I'd probably have given up there and then, but the next 3 or 4 years of my life was mapped out before me. That Saturday morning, was a watershed in my life. In total I think I've lost about £80,000 now. I've paid some back now, currently about £30K in debt against the CC's, owe my parents £25K, and have some hefty overdrafts. This is something that I've carried around with me for years now - the thought of it has been there or thereabouts for that time. It's awful, but I look at other people jealously and I sometimes resent them.

I confessed all to my OH before, and my parents 1st time around about 2 and half years ago. I'm pleased I did it then, because at that time I was in massive unmanageable trouble and having some really stupid thoughts. Basically, I was sinking fast with no way out. That time around, parents and wife rallied around and supported me. This time around, I have it under control and I can see a way out, although not easy, there is a path out of this, and this is the debt I'm talking about, because this is what threatens our livelihood the most. I've done it once (almost), and I can do it again. If I confessed up, I'd lose trust and respect, I might lose the means of paying off this debt, which means that we could lose our house and I may even lose my family, and if this happened, I could relapse big style.

I have an idea of where I want to be, it's not far off, a matter of years only and it's stressless, carefree and happy life. And when I get there, I will enjoy more than others, because I will appreciate it more as I look back at these dark times. But to get there, I need to go through this, and it's stressful and sometimes painful, but I'm prepared to go through it when I still fit and (relatively) young.

This time around is different. I have a plan of action, and I think I can keep on top of payments. Any months that I can't, I can draw credit to see me through. So far I've paid off about £3,000 CC debt in 2 months. The debt is hanging around my neck like a millstone at the moment but at this rate, the millstone will lighten each month.

I'm not strong enough of mind to not focus on the debts, although I have tried in the past few months to focus on my recovery only. But at the moment, on it's own, Gambling is not a problem. What I'm trying to do is to as quickly as possible, remove the big stresses that turn me to Gambling, which is debt at the moment.

I get you and i know what you mean about not telling the second time round because you're gonna look like a liar and lose their trust etc. Sounds awful, but bottom line is what good would come from telling them? Wife would be stressed, go mad etc, parents would be dissapointed etc, it would just add to our stress and it wouldnt make the debts dissappear.

My only concern is that you have it all on your shoulders. I suppose thats why a forum like this is good because at least you can express how ou're feeling and to people who can relate (me to say the least). Your situation is kind of ghost of christmas past and future to me as i've both been in our position and know without help and dedication could be there again. I've been clean since 5th november and cant wait to get to a year. 92% of people dont make it that far and im competitive so I want to get there and beyond indefinitely.

Stay strong mate and remember that health (mental and physical) is more important than money or posessions so if it gets on top of you, reach out even to a counsellor if you still dont want to reveal all to family. You're very positive and relentless in the way you are tackling this though and its entirely admirable!

Hi Michael,

My wife found out about my latest gambling when a bank statement came through the post and she saw all the P*yp*l transactions to a well known exchange. Mostly the statements come through online, but once a year they send one through - joint account, so bang!

She told me she was disappointed and how much debt this time etc. I told her sorry, no hidden debt and that I had been clean for 7 weeks, as the statement showed. The conversation lasted 15 minutes and she hasn't said another thing about it since and been fine with me. I think that because I genuinely believe that this the last time for me and that must have come across in our brief discussion...

I think you are right to carry on as you are and if she finds out or needs to know, tell her to read this first and everything will be clear to her.

You are doing fantastic! Chin up! 🙂

From a new starter, can I just say that I understand your point of the stress the debt can place on you. Sure, mine may not be as bad, but let me say that in 60 days time, when I'm still in debt, if I can boast (and boast i shall) that ive been gamble free, it'll be a success.

Keep your journey going, you will get there. Thanks for being an inspiration to knowing i can do this.

Day 69

Thanks everyone for your comments. I can safely say, that this forum has 100% kept me away from gambling, and I really mean it. I logon to my computer every morning and every night, to read the diaries. I read your comments, and they help me get through the day. I'd say that my life in the last 69 days has been sitting on a knife-edge - one slip and god knows - everything lost (?) It's amazing to think that comments from anonymous people who I'll never meet and never speak to, can have such a profound effect on one's recovery.

But I have to honestly say that my OH finding out is the most stressful part of all of this, and what drives me on is, if there is a day in the future she does find out, then I'd like to say, "Yes dear, I had a problem and I relapsed (x) months ago, but I'm clean, and I'm well on top of the debts". The only way of her finding out is through a huge CC bill dropping on our doormat (even though they're all on-line), and that drives me on to pay them all off as quickly as possible.