DAY 1 - sorry not an original tag!!

hi wolf,

All i can do is wish you luck and give you the advice i was given 40 days ago, stay close to this site the people on here will help you no end, you will have good days and bad days but always keep what you are feeling now in there somewhere and draw on it whenever those urges come.

Jess

Good morning Wolf,

I am so saddened to hear of your relapse, I know how difficult it is and distressing when we think we are on top of this addiction but this illness is sent to try us again and again and again. I am sure you have all systems in place to stop your gambling i.e software blocks etc but it is never too late to check those systems are secure as complacency plays a huge role in this illness and if we allow a toe never mind a foot to get in the door then hey presto we are back where we started. At my GA meetings they talk about how it doesnt matter how long we havent gambled for but that one single bet leads to another and that is why we have to be totally guarded.

You sound a strong and determined person who like many on this site are desperate to lead a "normal" life again. I believe you can achieve that with the help and support of your family and others who know about your illness.

Keep strong, stay focused and always remain vigilant. I look forward to celebrating your recovery in dealing with this mad affliction.

Best wishes

Hope x

Hi Hopeless & Jess. Many thanks for the encouragement and advice. Its very much appreciated at what is a low point. Can't wait for the non gambling high :)! But you are right, deep down, I know I can stay 'clean' as have done so for 5 years after making the decision to quit. However, I didn't keep personal vigilance and became complacent. I lied to myself it was just having a bit of fun, I could be in control and one bad day led to another....etc. same old story - but now having to be honest with myself & everyone else and deal with it. Luckily I don't have any corporate debts as I have no bank o/d or credit cards and all loans etc and the mortgage & house are in my partners name! [Lesson learnt from previous experiences]. Most income goes into partners account, however I used to have a savings account with rainy day money, birthdays, treats, holidays etc and emergencies, but that's all gone now [a few K] and I still have certain personal commitments & bills to pay. Having a small pension, this i what I spent then got a 200 o/d to help cover the losses, and spent that chasing the losses! So, back in debt and having to fess up to partner - again as can't pay my commitments either!! Like any drug, [and gambling is a drug] recovery is daily and needs to be permanent - there is no cure! I need to remind myself of this every morning and last thing at night from now on. Again thank you for the wise words. I will pledge to maintain the Recovery diary and the 2014 challenge and let others know they are not alone either. Kind regards, Wolf57

Ok - so only 24 hours have elapsed since I took the first step and decided I want to quit - not forced by anyone, but a conscious decision made whilst having a desire to log on and gamble - but instead, blocked access to all my fave sites, and joined this site. And life around me since then has just carried on as normal, mainly because I have yet to find the ideal time & opportunity to explain this situation to my long suffering partner! But also because no one else knows - everyone that was aware before thinks I have just continued to be 'clean' since I previously stood down from the gambling treadmill! Anyway - 24 hours with no gambling, not even the lottery!! Long may this continue! I know I can do it but need the help and support of the partner so will have to fess up sometime over the weekend! Thanks for reading.

Hi Wolf

It's hard to have to tell a partner because we know how they will feel and react but we need to do it to move forward again

I feel for you as I have told my OH time and time Again no more but we have to say no more in the end otherwise it not only breaks our partners hearts it totally breaks us

We don't want to play anymore we no the score

Keep strong

Suzanne xx

So - Day 3 and no gambling, but still not found the courage to tell my partner. At the moment after some heavy struggles in the past year or so, we are in quite a happy place in our lives and I know telling her this will tip a delicate balance, so prolonging for as long as I can! Many reasons not to, but most are of my making so I find excuse not to say anything. I know I have to before she finds out for herself [when she checks the bank balance] as that would be worse. So later today I hope as I need to get this off my chest before it crushes me - then I can deal with the gambling!! As this was a relapse, I have kept myself busy so using normal techniques to ignore any urges. I know that as long as the funds aren't there I can't bet - so the trick for me is to make sure I can't get access to any! Not a problem this month as I spent all my small pension and the overdraft of 200 in just a few hours on pay day! This is what I have to fess up to! Another relapse. OK - will check in again tomorrow and share some more. Have made the pledge to write in this diary every day for the first month then aim for at least every other day for the rest of the year. I have also pledged to the 2014 challenge. This is a key element in recovery i feel as this is a 'team' effort so not wanting to let the team down is a great motivator ~ I am always letting myself down and have done for decades so that isn't motivation at all, but a team is different! I fully expect that to work for me! So a thank you to Mr Brightside and the team for coming up with this challenge - great idea. Another afternoon & evening to find the right time to explain to partner, then hope that this doesn't end badly! Update tomorrow folks!!

Day 4 and 4 days gamble free!! Still not told the other half as we were having such a great weekend. dropped her off at work this morning and decided that i will pick her up and then tell her - must be done and today!!

Today being off work is a hard and on my own is the first tough day for me as it is usually a day I can log on and gamble without fear of being found out! So kept myself busy from when I got in at 7 and as lunchtime is the bad patch point for me - logged on here instead reading others posts.

I so recognise my own personal traits and feelings of depression and despair with you all - As I said this is a relapse for me and you would think after losing family; friends; house and home and racking up massive debts [over 85K after house sale] I would be permanently wary! But after 5/6 years I relapsed a few months ago thinking it was just a few quid for a bit of fun. This snowballed very quickly and savings etc all disappeared. Fessed up and my partner bailed me out again. Promised it was under control and all ok and paid her back. Until last week, on pension pay day I thought a few quid wouldn't hurt - stupid I know; delusional I also know, but I couldn't stop and after just an hour it had all gone and some more! That's when I decided to go cold turkey, join this site and start this diary! I do not want to return to the compulsive gambling personality, always looking over shoulders, feeling sick, feeling despair, small fleeting elation if hit a win and chasing that feeling like a bad drug habit! As I said, all seems so like most others posting here! But enough, I can be clean, I can enjoy not gambling as much as I thought I enjoyed doing it - I know i didn't but deluded thoughts were always saying "this is just good fun"!! I now need to find something to focus my compulsive side on - maybe take up painting!! I used to collect watches but have had to sell most of them to repay debts from previous gambling bouts, especially my relapse!! This is a great shame for me, not just because they were to be for my future years of retirement and an investment, but because I liked wearing them as well and "tinkering". Years of collecting destroyed in just a few days [probably hours] of gambling! So, not much left of any value to sell but will have to, then scrimp for the next 6 months to re-pay the partner IF she agrees to lend me the money I lost again! Nothing is assumed here at all! Will update tomorrow on how today went! Good luck everyone else on their personal recovery roads. Beware the other side of the steep ***!! kind regards, Cliff

Hi Cliff

Reading your post I can relate to your journey when gambling

We can't stop at 10 I wished I could and did

I really enjoyed playing online for FUN but I can't

I am not even capable of betting one penny on arcade machine because I know what will happen

I can't play anything cos I can't stop

First hardest thing for me to accept

Second was to confess all to my partner which we have to do when we can't chase anymore cos the bloody addiction hAs wiped us out and then we know with sheer hell feelings that there is going to be no quick fix or shining star which is how I am thinking of that big win now to sort it all out

Don't think of it as cold turkey that's too hArsh think gently like I. Choose to abstain I know the score

I have won today because I did.not play

There is no cold turkey it's called abstaining and that is gentle not such a shock to our already battered minds

Sorry but sooner or later you have to tell your partner the cards have been read now I wish you all the courage you have for this

Best wishes Suzanne x

OK - 5 days abstaining and gamble free and so now the partner knows too of the relapse and the extent of the problem [gambling as well as lack of availabale funds. I would like to say oI drew in a big brave breath and confessed all - but no, she checked the accounts and asked why my portion hadn't arrived into the bills account! I knew that would happen and wanted to explain before she found out - so had to fess up and explain what had happened. Long story short, no thunder bolt, no screaming & shouting, just confused as to why and upset I hadn't been able to tell her - which i fully understand and accept. SO - looking forward to Day 6 more than I was Day 5!

And thank you Suzanne for the kind words of encouragement and agree that abstinence is a far better descriptor than 'cold turkey' . Like you I can't now even buy a lottery ticket or go in a penny arcade! I can't join in any world cup sweepstakes etc - have to walk away tall!

Thank you for those reading and hope that in days to come I can assist others in reaching their abstinence goals.

HiWolf

Two big well dones getting to day 5 and and sort of telling your wife I wanted to tell my OH tried to build up the courage before he found out but he got bank statement before me and he let rip ( that's putting it mildly() but it was out that was the main thing

Do try and do one day at a time it helps small steps

Best wishes Suzanne x

Hi wolf,

The main thing i wanted to say was even though you didnt "tell" your partner until she found out through bank balances, you did admit what you have done it would have been the easier route to lie your way out of it (which i have done many times).

Now that she knows i hope that you are able to focus on you and your recovery with her support.

Good luck

jess

Hi All - Reporting in on Day 6 of being Gamble Free and also, a better feeling, guilt free!

Thanks Jess & Suzanne for your words & support, they are gratefully received and very much appreciated.

Whilst I feel guilt free now the partner knows, I am no way out of the woods. Will take a long time to repair the trust bridge again, and will still have to repay the money she has bailed me out with, as it belonged to 'the house' and not me! To compound things, I totally forgot the MOT was due last week so had to get that sorted today ASAP and also didn't have the funds to cover that!

BUT it is all doable and I will be working out a repayment plan with J [we still have to have that talk] to the house fund until its back to its rightful balance plus the car service & MOT. About a grand, which will take me about 10 months to a year! All doable, and personal finances rather than corporate so i am no way in the same boat as many CG's ~ this time. Due to my previous gambling crash & burns, losing the house etc, I ended up with mega debts to over 12 companies & banks which took over 6 years of being in an IVA to sort. So I no longer have any credit, cards, not on the mortgage or house deeds, everything is in the partners name except my small pension! which I still managed to spend in one moment of relapse madness in under an hour!!

I fully understand all the feelings of guilt, despair, disgust, etc that come with the reality check of the cold light of day, ignoring mail, calls, knocks at the door etc! It took me over 8 years to sort everything out and all I have left is a really double minus credit rating to look at!

Anyway - just thought I would share the fact that despite my blip of a relapse it was from such a long time of being gamble free and for all those others who have reached a long term abstinence day, those ghouls; ghosts and gambling demons are always there on your shoulder and can take full advantage of any weakness at any moment. So please be ever wary, ever vigilant. I thought i'd cracked it - now know I never will reach that goal - just '*** it' for a day, a day at a time.

Am now walking forward in abstinence to a gamble free future. Thank you for reading, and please feel free to post and comment! Kind regards, Cliff.

Hi Cliff

Day 6 is good

As I said you have done really well to realise you have to stop and abstain it is the only way to go in the end

Hard when we realise that we have not got a problem it's worse we are totally Addicted to gambling and we cannot even spend one penny anymore on it but at least we know where we stand with the ///// and that has to be positive doesn't it

One day at a time and we do win that day

Suzanne xx

Hi diary and any followers 🙂 - Day 7 being gamble free. Been a hard day today as had urges. But ignored them as a) blocked all sites so can't play and b) have no available funds! Break those Triangles!! The funny thing I find is trying to find something to occupy the mind! After all the days and weeks months of planning and working out what to pay and when, what to play and when, what to sell, organising life, remembering lies [always tricky!] and getting funds, robbing peter to pay paul but making sure there is some left to play with - this takes a lot of organisational skills and brain power and there is now nothing active for that side of the brain to work on! Couldn't sleep last night because I wasn't lying there brain whizzing away working out tomorrows moves and falling asleep with some semblance of a plan of action! Couldn't sleep cos brain wasn't switched on to work anything out! Just a void! Perhaps this is a component key to an addicts life and why its hard to stop - like a runaway train! Just a thought! Probably need to have many more in the coming days and weeks :)!

Anyway - thanks again Suzanne for your words of wisdom and encouragement! Always appreciated.

Walking forwards to an a gamble free future one day at a time abstaining by choice. Thanks all, Cliff