Determined to keep a diary

146.

Not a huge amount to write about today. Not had any urges in a long time. Even hearing gambling adverts on the radio or tv doesn’t phase me. I’m not saying I’ve put gambling to bed now. I know it’s there lurking, but my desire is still as rock solid as day one, maybe even more so now I’ve seen how my life can be without it. 

Life finally feels back on track. It’s been years since that was the case. My gambling was a coping mechanism I think. Seeing my ex dealing with her mums illness made me much worse in hindsight. I couldn’t help and I needed to escape. The only way I knew how was gambling. Gambling was alway with me, but I now see that it was definitely my escapism from the world. Luckily I now realise that it made things 10 times worse. 

Off to bed. Working next 2 days.

Stay strong 💪 

@p6z38njbqm headed towards 150 days Fish.  Really good stuff.  I am on day 4 🤣 

I agree with your thoughts.  They mirror mine.  The more I think about my gambling the more I realise it was/is a coping mechanism.  But sadly a destructive one.

@p6z38njbqm Fast approaching another milestone Fish 🐟. 👏👏👏. I am still on your tail though and hope it remains that way for the both of us!🙂🙏.

Take care and continue to live life in a positive manner.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

147.

Thanks both. Love the support in this community. We all came here in desperate need, and we all understand each others troubles. It’s amazing what a single comment can inspire. If you read this and are looking for help, please do start a diary. You will be helping yourself and others.

Nice easy one today. Was at work all day. In bed now, ready for another tomorrow. Got a tough 2 weeks coming up in a week or so. Was meant to be my honeymoon. 2 weeks of luxury, ruined by me! Will be a tough 2 weeks knowing what could have been. We didn’t get a honeymoon due to illness in my ex’s family. I did my best to support, and tried my best to support myself. Only way I knew how was gambling unfortunately. I still like to think the support I did give helped. I know that’s been tarred by the eventual outcome, but I hope one day I can feel good about how I acted outside the gambling. 

Sleepy time 💤. Stay strong 💪 

148.

long day at work, and I’m now in my safe space. Gambling used to be my safe space. Now, being in bed with a book is my safe space. I really do feel content in my bed. Watched a little tv but was so ready to climb into my happy little haven and chill with a book. 

Had a review of my debts today after one got sold to another company. Still on track. Still looking for a new year, new start scenario. Can’t believe how much I’ve paid off by working my b**t off. Shattered most days but to be rid of this burden in the next 4 months will be amazing and probably one of the best things I’ve ever done.

4 months ago I had no end in sight. A little bit of hard work, facing up to everything, and I can see the future me. It wasn’t the one I had planned, but it’s the one I’m looking forward to now.

Stay strong 💪 

149.

Lovely day. Woke up at 7 which is the longest I’ve slept in ages. Had a coffee and some breakfast. Did some shopping, cleaned the house, made a nice dinner, watched some tv. Life is good. Only thing I really miss now is human interaction (and my little pooch 🐶). Weird how much you can miss a hug!

Saturday night. 21:30, no work tomorrow, and I’m in bed. Turning into a proper party animal 😂

Night all. Stay strong 💪 

@p6z38njbqm Another big milestone for you tomorrow Fish 🐟! Sounds like a lovely weekend for you, even if you are alone.  At least you have freedom to do things that cost money, rather than that wretched feeling when being absolutely skint and unable to buy anything/go anywhere due to lack of funds. 👎. I was just thinking the same, coming to bed at 10.30pm on a Saturday night!! I have been feeling shattered though for one reason and another AND, I am a good few years older than you also!🤣🤣.

Enjoy your day tomorrow and don’t forget to treat yourself to something! That’s an order from the Pink Lady!! 😆

Take care. 

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

150 days done. Is that a milestone? I don’t know. Just happy to have another day ticked off. My next target is the 6 month point. A target I aim to meet with ease. A focused approach and constant diary updates means I rarely think about gambling. Even if I am reminded by the constant barrage of gambling adverts in the radio and tv, it makes me feel angry 😡!

I treated myself to a day of gutting the house and cooking @pinklady. Mopped the floors and everything, then cooked a cheese, ham and onion quiche from scratch. Was ok, but if I’m honest, the effort it takes, it’s probably just as good to buy one from the shop 😂. Still it kept me busy and I enjoyed it. 

Off to get a haircut tomorrow before 3 night shifts. The joys! Then I get to see mr pooch and enjoy some walks. 

Not a milestone, but still, 150 is a nice round number! Rather proud of that 😂

Stay strong 💪 

@p6z38njbqm So you should be Fish!🐟👏👏👏👏. Well done. 

🩷🍎.

151 and still going strong. Not too impressed at the nightshift I'm currently on but cant complain too much.

Hope everyone is well.

Stay strong 👍 

So pleased to see you're still doing so well Fish. Brilliant stuff. Keep going strong buddy.

It's so motivating to see your diary mate, keep it up!

I might do something similar, this forum is keeping me strong in tough moments. 

Av_

Thanks both. I quickly found out that reading someone's diary can be just as helpful as writing one, so it's great to see people finding something from mine. I thought I'd struggle to find things to write as I'm not one for talking about things, but for some reason, I can in this fight.

Day 152. 

Work again so no real issues, apart from lack of sleep. 12.5 hour shift last night. In bed for 07:30, woke up at 10:30. Night shift again tonight after 2.5hrs sleep. On the plus side, only one more shift after this. Hopefully sleep a little longer after this one.

Jumped in the chatroom earlier. Good to see lots of useful advice being given out. Really hit me though when someone joined who had had enough. They sounded at breaking point. I hope they are ok. This addiction can take you to some horrible places emotionally. I really do think my success so far has been my hatred for gambling. This was born from years of wasting my life, but then ultimately the losing of everything as per the last 16 pages. The hatred has stayed strong and is still just as strong now almost 5 months in. I dont know how anyone can develop this hatred without hitting that low point, but maybe reading others low points can inspire some of that hatred, so I urge everyone to read as much as you can on here. The single page diaries that are a huge cry for help hit me the most. Did gambling take them back? Did they find a new way out? It's more than likely the first answer and i hate that. Another life consumed by this horrible habit. 

Anyway, another random rant over. Find the hatred folks!

Stay strong 👍 

Congrats on reaching 5 months gf, Weirdfish! 👍  That’s simply amazing. The consistency you show through your regular activity here, along with the determination you’ve maintained, is truly inspirational and motivating.

Totally agree about the value of reading the forums. Most of the answers to the questions we all have are buried within those 200+ pages of diaries. It can be time-consuming and challenging to navigate through and find specific answers, and you never know which thread will be the gem full of insights that’s relevant to you right now. But spending even just 30 minutes a week on it is a great exercise to keep your gf muscles strong.

I also want to think that most of the people who paused their diaries made a significant step by starting them already, and might be building up the determination to get back into the fight, perhaps here or on other forums, more experienced and ready.

Well done, mate! Keep pushing and stay strong.

Hi Weirdfish!

Congrats on your journey this far. What a ride and to see you coming out the other side is truly inspirational.

Interesting what you said about finding the hatred for it. I think I have found that after 20 years and I too hate it and at this point, won't be going anywhere near it. I almost see it as a person that treated me like S**t for all of those years! 

Thanks again for sharing your story, I hope I always stay 146 days behind you on this journey.

Jay