Determined to keep a diary

Day 38. No issues to report. Gamble free and head clear. 

Had a lovely day all with my pooch today. Met a load of other dogs and obviously he was the only one to misbehave! Now he’s looking at me with innocent eyes as if nothing happened 😂

Chest x ray tomorrow, then the dreaded wait for 7-10 days to find out what’s wrong. 

Positive thoughts for today: I can’t change what’s happened, I can’t make it go away, but I can change the future and that’s what I’m going to do. I think everyone should live like that. I can’t ask anyone to forget what I’ve done, I can’t even make myself forget it, but I can use it to change myself morning forward in my new life. Even if my x ray throws more challenges at me, well it’s happened already, I’ll deal with it and move on. 

Stay strong 💪 

Hi Fish. 🐟. Best of luck with your x-ray results 🙏. Keep fighting the fight and leave gambling behind. 

Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.

Day 39 done, x ray done, GA meeting done. Not much else to report today. Feeling good after my GA meeting. Super confident that I will never gamble again. Can’t see the appeal. It’s ruined everything I’ve ever cared for and for what? All I wanted was a good life for me and my family. And that’s what I would have had if I didn’t gamble. No more. Only a good life for me now.

Stay strong 💪 

40 days! Never ever thought I’d get this far. Shows how much actually wanting this can help. Today I thought about gambling. Something popped up on Facebook that triggered some memories. The memories started nicely. Me relaxing with a glass of wine for a night of hitting the slots. My go to decompression after a tough day at work. This quickly turned into a memory of going to bed at 4 am dreading waking up and knowing I had no money for the next 4 weeks. What a mug!

GA meeting was good last night. Getting to know people now. A couple of people who joined the same day as me have not returned for a few weeks. It feels good knowing I have but also sad that some people may have given in to the urges. I think you really have to be ready to quit and some people are not quite there yet. 

Weighed myself today for some reason (slight change of topic I know), and I’m down 2 stone since i last weighed myself. Just over 9 stone for a 46 year old man is not healthy. When I went to docs about my chest lump they asked if I’d had any weight loss. Didn’t think I had  but with the lump and the homelessness, marriage break up, desperation etc I hadn’t really noticed. Suppose I better start eating more. I have not been drinking anything like i used to so maybe that’s it.

Had a great talk in the chatrooms tonight. Weird to feel like an old regular after only 40 days but just shows how bad this addiction is when new people join everyday. The help it there, is can be beaten, true life you want is within your reach. Let’s beat this!

Stay strong 💪 

41 days, no gambling concerns. Never will be again.

Today’s been a really tough day. Had to speak to a solicitor regarding our separation agreement. Didn’t want to, was happy to sign what we agreed and would never chase anything I wasn’t owed in future. That’s not in me. Now I have to spend £1500 minimum to sign a bit of paper for no reason. There goes the essentials when I move into my new place. 

Then I watched a series we used to watch together. It’s the new series and I just wanted to talk about it. Made me really sad knowing I wouldn’t be in the situation to share things with my future ex wife again. Things are moving fast now. I’ll be out our house in less than 2 weeks. Marriage over, best friend, only friend really, gone. Makes me feel so frustrated that I’ve caused this. I didn’t mean it. I worshiped the ground she walked on and really did think I was protecting her. Also makes me so frustrated knowing I’ve hurt her that much she can’t give me a chance to prove I’m not that guy anymore. Gonna be a very rough few weeks I think.

Positive thoughts: bit stuck on this them today. Got a full day of just me and my little pooch tomorrow. Always a nice thing to look forward to.

Stay strong folks 💪

42 days with no gambling. Seems weird that I ever did now. Still no appeal there and utter confusion as to why I ever did. Chatting to my mum today and one of my earliest memories was putting money in a fruit machine in my aunties pub when it was closed. She had the key so it was all free money. Must have been about 10 years old!

Signed my tenancy agreement today. Also got a big email from solicitors regarding the separation. Sounds like a load of legal nonsense for no reason. I already said I wouldn’t screw my soon to be ex over, and I mean it. That’s not me. But it’s now int he hands of the overpriced legal people. Pick my keys up a week tomorrow and then a whole new chapter in my life begins. Never really had a single life. Always really been involved with someone so this time it’s flying solo for a while. Gonna focus on me and enjoy my life. Always been afraid of being alone but I think if I start living it, I’ll enjoy it. I was probably scared of being alone as I was always engrossed in my thoughts. Getting therapy for that now so hopefully I’ll enjoy my time with me more (not rude! 😂).

Positive thoughts for today: spent some awesome time with my dog today. Lots of walks. We had a long play fight and I really enjoyed it. He gave me loads of cuddles. Really gonna miss seeing him every day. Hopefully I’ll still see him regularly and he won’t start hating me too.

Stay strong 💪 

Day 43. Early post today as I’m on night shifts for the next 3 nights. No desire to gamble. 

Had a good chat with step change today regarding my DMP. Seriously think I can get this paid off this year. Will be tough but I want to start next year a new person. Money in my bank, that’s mine, not the banks, not the gambling companies, all mine! Then I’m gonna buy myself something nice. No idea what, holiday, new clothes, got 6 months to consider it. Then it’s save save save. Get myself a deposit for a house, navigate the mortgage world with poor credit, basically be a normal person.

Getting very nervous about moving out now. I imagine boredom will be high. Gonna throw myself into my open uni studies, relearn the guitar, cook loads of nice food. Excited but petrified. Really gonna miss company. Oh well. That part of my life is over. Will find company when it finds me. Time for some quality me time. 

Stay strong 💪 

Look after yourself Fish 🐟 and follow your goals. Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. 🙏🙏.

Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.

Day 44 - No concerns, no urges. Confident I've got this under control and will never gamble again.

At work again tonight. Got to see the Northern lights display last night really well. Lucky to have a very good observation point at my work. Hopefully get another display tonight.

Feeling more and more apprehensive about moving into my new place. Gonna miss my life so much. Really will treasure the time we spent as a family. Building our home, travelling the world, eating in amazing restaurants. I'm even going to miss being asked to do random chores, changing light bulbs, fixing washing machines etc. Will have to keep myself busy with random tasks. Gonna miss having someone to talk to. Most the time I'm only talking to the dog, but he's a great listener!!

Anyway, back to work. 

Stay strong 👍 

Day 45 and still going strong. Amazing how once I'd made the decision I've been so strong, even after so long. I craved gambling at points. Crazy to say that now and only really apparent in hindsight.

Last night shift tonight. Hopefully a quiet night and then a long sleep. GA meeting tomorrow night. Looking forward to it. Fells nice to start the meeting with the phrase 'no gambling to report'. Makes me feel as if I am achieving what I set out to do. Always good to hear the rest of the group doing well too, or if they have relapsed, owning up to it in a safe environment. Hopefully that's one thing I'll never have to do.

Not much else to report. Nightshifts sap the life out of you. You work all night and sleep all day so no real time to do anything worthy of speaking about.

Stay strong folks 👍 

46 days gamble free. GA meeting tonight which was good. Everyone is so supportive and it’s great to hear everyone’s story. They are all basically the same, just with different twists. All involve lying to themselves, thinking they were in control, thinking they could stop. So glad I go to these now.

Today starts the week I’ve been dreading. Pick up keys to a new apartment this week and finalise my separation agreement. Nothing says clean start than getting them both out the way though. No going back now though. Time to move on, improve, and be a better person. Only going to me for a long time now. I’ve tried relationships, they don’t seem to work! Time for some time with myself, my family, and those who will always be there for me. Time to repay the kindness. One chapter of my life closes, it’s been a long, dark and miserable chapter, with many happy memories. It’s a shame most of them are tainted by my addiction. No more though. New memories from now on, with no gambling to taint them.

Stay strong 💪 

47 days gamble free. No thoughts of gambling.

Today I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness. This is the second last time I’ll sleep in the same house as my soulmate. It’s clear we can never be together but it’s still left me feeling empty. We’ve not shared a bed in over a month but knowing she was there was a comfort. Got a tough few days ahead leading you to moving out on Monday. Just gotta focus on getting settled and finding a routine I can keep my mind active with.

No positive thoughts today I’m afraid. 

Stay strong 💪 

Thinking of you Fish. 🐟. Yes, stay strong. Day at a time and all that jazz. 🙏.

Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.

Missed my post yesterday but day 48 done. Got news about my chest xray yesterday. No lung or bone issues and just have to see what happens with lump for next month. Probably fibrous tissue, most likely benign, but just wait and see. 
Been a strange 24hr. I’ve collapsed, totally unconscious, twice. Not sure why, or what is going on. Never really been affected by stress but there is so much going on right now I think it may be related. Solicitors taking pretty much all the money I had set aside for essentials. Not even gonna have pans, cutlery, plates etc when I move in. On the plus side, I took apart the bed I’ll be taking and it almost fits in the car. Will have to tie boot down for the journey. 

Positive thoughts for today? Hmmmm. I’ve got a full day with the dog. Hopefully I don’t collapse again. He was standing on my chest when I came too last time. Not sure he was concerned. It was just walk time 😂

Stay strong 💪 

49 days done. Had a meeting with solicitor today to finalise everything. I think that’s me now officially separated. 49 days since coming clean and I’m now a single man. That didn’t take long! Pick up the keys to my new place tomorrow and will be moving in over the next few days. Scary times. Nervous, a little excited, but mainly desperately sad. 8 years gone in an instant. Losing my best mate, my only mate really. That’s the thing with gambling, you don’t socialise. Time to try find some friends!

Positive thoughts for today: I’ve felt better. No more unconsciousness, that was very strange. Spent some quality time with my dog today too. He’s curled up next to me now. 

Stay strong 💪