Determined to keep a diary

@p6z38njbqm you are really racking up the numbers mate!  Day 77 is incredible work.

I think it is good to have a healthy fear of going back to that 'Dark Place' if it motivates us not to gamble.  I won't let myself forget how bad it got.

Glad the nephew is out of hospital.  I am sure he will make a speedy recovery!

Thanks again to those who’ve commented for the kind words. Really does mean something when you realise people read your ramblings and take something from them sometimes.

Day 78. Quiet one today. Got home from work at 7, slept til 12, then set off to get the pooch. Always an awesome day when he’s round. Got company, get some fresh air, get someone to talk to. He doesn’t respond much but it’s something at least.

Seeing my family tomorrow which is nice. Will be first time they’ve been to my new place. Dog will be here too so will be a busy little flat! 

Been quite sad today. Always sad when I pick the dog up. Have to revisit the past and see my old home and life. Miss it terribly but it’s getting easier. Still makes me sad when I see couples walking their dog. Think the little guy got me though. Lots of cuddles today and he’s on my bed now after another walk!

Still seeing lots of new people join. Makes me feel like an old expert, but as I’ve said before, we are all in day 1 really. Every day is a new challenge. Only difference is, when the numbers start growing of g/f days, so do the benefits. Still got money in my account, can still buy myself something if I want. Not worried about money or such things. There is a life after day 1. Another day 1 but with benefits! Imagine what day 1 on day 1000 is like! Can’t wait.

Stay strong all 💪

Day 79. Never thought in a million years I could go this long without gambling. Honestly seems like I’ve never done it before now. The whole concept seems alien to me. 

Happy day today in that I had my little dog overnight last night. He woke me up at 04:30, then at 05:30 but I’m telling myself it’s because he missed me and wanted to spend time with me 😂. He did give me good cuddles after our very early morning walk so I’ll let him off. I also had a visit from my parents, sister and niece who just turned 18. Thankfully I was able to buy her a gift which I wouldn’t have been able to 2 months ago. What kind of uncle would rather hand their money to a gambling company than be able to buy a gift for a family member. Well probably most people reading this at one point in their lives. Luckily I am not that uncle anymore and that makes me happy.

Today has also been sad. The house was very lonely after the dog and then family left. Felt very alone all of a sudden. Thought I would enjoy it. Planned on having a few glasses of wine and relaxing. Instead I jumped into bed and joined the chatroom for an hour. Spoke to a new name I hadn’t seen before and tried to offer my advice. Don’t know if it’s right but it’s working for me. This made me sad too. Brought back memories of being determined to lose my money at 3am. Never trying to win. Just chasing a buzz. I get a win, I get that buzz, I want it again. Boom, money gone!

Anyway, that’s a rant tonight. Sorry!

Stay strong folks 💪

Hey Weirdfish, 

Read your diary today feeling very inspired by your story and your positive attitude towards your recovery. 

I look forward to reading your future posts. 

All the best,

Ste

Big fat 80 days done. No gambling issues or thoughts. 

Been a tough day today. All I’ve ever wanted was to grow old with a loving family and be a dad. I really did feel like I had that. Yes he was my step child but I was with him for half his life. I played Nintendo with him, tried to teach him right from wrong, helped him study, taught him to cook (he didn’t listen!), stuck up for him when he needed it. He was never really one for Father’s Day, or birthdays for that matter, but today I thought of him and it made me sad. Maybe one day, when he’s not a grumpy teenager, he will reach out and we can still be in contact. 

Anyway, I did what all dads should do on Father’s Day to make up for my low morale. I made a curry, had a beer and watched the football. That’s how it should be done (although someone should do the cooking for you, oh and get you a beer!).

Hope all the dads on here got spoilt, and more importantly I hope everyone is still fighting the good fight.

Stay strong 💪 

@p6z38njbqm Well done Fish on 80 days g.f!👏👏👏👏. Glad you have had a nice day, ate well and enjoyed the football 👌.

Keep going and make every day better!

Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.

81 days g/f. 

Had a great GA session tonight. One of the guys got his year pin. His story is very like mine. He lost his wife, his house, and now lives on his own but is coping well. He gave me loads of good advice when I came through the door and always asks me how I’m getting on. Really nice guy and I’m well happy for him. Meeting him for a coffee in a few weeks so will be good to chat outside of GA. He’s older than me and gambled for a lot longer so I’m sure will have some interesting stories to tell. 

Had a new person join GA also. She was there last week but I missed it due to work. I’m glad she made it back for week 2. When I joined there were 3 new people and I’m the only one who went back. You have to be ready for it otherwise it won’t work. No half measures. If you are not fully committed to beating this addiction you will not succeed. I feel a little for this new woman. She is struggling with urges but she’s telling her family she is fine. Everyone told her that she has to be fully honest and tell her family she is struggling otherwise she will start to believe she is alright and the pressure will get to her. I think she got allot from tonight’s meeting which is good. Always nice to see people take the first few steps. Be nicer if there was no more new people but until the gambling industry gets tougher regulations I’m sure I will see lots more.

Going to try and be more positive again. Been a grumpy, lonely few days, but I have a lot to be happy about. I have a home (not my own, but I’ll get to that, I have a plan for my debts, I have a little money, I have a job, I have a family who are worried about me. Life is actually ok. No point worrying about the past, it’s done, it’s gone, no going back so might as well look forward. 

Stay strong 💪 

Day 82 of normal life. Did some washing, cooked a nice dinner, cleaned the house, watched a bit of tv, listened to allot of music. Generally a relaxed and happy day. Thought about my dog lots today and that was the only sad part. Hope he knows I’m still there for him. He seems to enjoy it when he visits. 

Working tomorrow so early start. In bed already. Got some new pillows and been excited to try them out 😂. Sister is visiting tomorrow after I’ve been at work so will be good to see her for a few hours. 

Anyway, good day today, busy day tomorrow, then a few more shifts, and hopefully see little dog on Tuesday. Something to look forward to. Always good to have something good on the horizon.

Stay strong 💪 

83 days done. No issues and happy.

Ive seen lots of posts/questions about beating urges. For me I was lucky. My first month gamble free was a whirlwind of emotions and disaster so I didn’t have a chance to even consider gambling. The thoughts were there, I felt them and saw them when I was asleep but when awake my life was a mess and gambling did that. I hated it with a passion.

Roll on a few months, the thoughts are there but only occasionally. So how do I beat them? I re read my first few posts in here. I read other peoples first few posts. It reminds me how low people can get. How low people will get if they gamble. When I read my diary I don’t believe that was me, it knocks me for six and makes me determined not to gamble again. I considered all the times I felt so low I wanted to die, so broke I was begging for loans, so hungry as I couldn’t afford to eat at work. Then I remembered the wins. Yes they felt good, yes they were a buzz but how many were there? If I could count them on one hand I could easily. The losing days however were in the hundreds, probably thousands. Simple maths says this pursuit of a win was pointless and only hurting me. It’s a shame I had to take my life to complete destruction before I could start to rebuild, but that’s what I’ve done. For anyone reading this, you can do this too. Change the way you think, remind yourself why you are here. If you came here for help it’s clearly for a terrible reason. Returning to that way of life will only pull you further down and you’ll be back here even lower, even more in debt, and probably without a loved one, so trust me and make that change. 

Stay strong 💪 

@p6z38njbqm good to check in and see your are still doing so well Fish 👍 

I was thinking about GA meetinga as I continue my recovery.  I know they are a lifeline for some.  

I need to do something proactive to maintain this journey of staying GF.

The psychologist who ran the CBT I attended said that becoming gambling free is a two year journey when applied properly.  Even then there will be a predisposition to gamble however it is then at 2 years the brain has formed true new patterns of behaviour that are long lasting.

I suppose this is different for each individual.  But shows we are still at the start of our journey.

Well done with being so consistent with the diary and I hope that the pillows lived up to expectation 😅 

Yeah ive heard lots of important milestones. 90 days is meant to be when your brain starts changing and new habits forming so that’s my next goal. 1 year is a tough point as your brain thinks you’ve beat it and the bad devil starts appearing, and 2 years is when the brain strengthens those new habits properly. Ultimately though it can go back at any time with a moment of weakness which shows how careful we have to be.

Great to see you still smashing those big numbers. Oh and the pillows were amazing. Great nights sleep!

Stat strong mate 💪

Evening @p6z38njbqm  Weirdfish

See your posts of encouragement all over the forum. Reading your diary is such a great thing. Daily reflection is a powerful tool, my son was taught that with Gordon moody residential centre.  Gamcare community is so important to help recovery and people like you help others feel listened too and understood.

Well done on your journey so far and living a simple life back to basics ......because that is good 😀 

Patsy 

Online peer supporter

Thanks Patsy. So glad my ramblings are being read. 

I started this diary for me, as a way to document my escape from my worst point. I’ve read so many comments about how it’s helped people that I’ve turned this into my therapy page for me and anyone who ventures upon it. It truly helps me to keep this up, it’s a constant reminder of where I’ve been and where I am now. If that can help anyone, even just one person then I’m going to keep doing it. I’ve decided that I will post daily for a whole year. I may miss the odd few due to work etc but I want to achieve this goal. It’s part of my healing and it gives me something to aim for. It may be nonsense sometimes, it may be dark, it may be bright, but that’s where I am, and I know that’s where many other people are too. The only thing that really has kept me going is this diary. It’s the only place I’ve ever felt comfortable being me. My whole life has been a secret, I can’t talk openly to anyone, never have been able to. I’ve done some horrible things, through my old job, my addiction, my treatment of people but now I’m content with how I live. I regret most of my life, but now I look forward to my life. Long may this continue. I’ll always finish with my new found catch phrase as that’s all we can ever hope to achieve with this addiction. So as always:

Stay strong 💪 

Hi Fish 🐟. I am so glad you got the recognition you deserve from the peer support group. This is thoroughly deserved👏👏👏. I have mentioned it a few times on my diary, how encouraging it is when others read and respond to our posts but that I don’t think enough people on here do this. Hey ho.

Keep up the great work. By the way, I have just wrote my daily post and mentioned that I am hoping you are able to send in my apologies tomorrow eve for “Treat Thursday” on the chat forum!😆.

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

84 days done.

Treat Thursday got a good following @pink lady. I wasn't on much as I'm at work but it was a good turnout. 

Night shift tonight and I've not slept today. Had the chance to go and walk my dog so jumped at the opportunity. He went mental. Brightened my day right up. Randomly met a guy from my GA meetings in the park walking his dog too. He is really struggling with urges. He's coping by walking the dog allot. Dog is loving it! He's tried to quit several times but this time he seems really determined so I hope he succeeds.

An interesting discussion on another post about being happy when you've come clean and admitted you have a problem. I wont go into that post but it did make me think how I felt. I can honestly say it was one of the best days of my life. It felt like a weight had lifted off my chest. I knew that my whole world was about to fall apart but I slept so soundly that night for the first time in years. Since then I've been through hell and back and lost everything dear to me, but throughout I've felt weirdly happy. Not at losing everything, that's destroyed a different part of me, but living with myself for the years I've been gambling was horrible. I didn't know what to believe. My mind tricked me constantly into getting what it wanted. Constant stress, lack of sleep, huge swings in focus and mental capacity. To class myself now as a non gambler really makes me feel like a new person. It's like being reborn. Now I just need to clear the debt and stay gamble free and I can honestly say my life will be the best it's ever been.

Stay strong people, lets be the best we can be