Devil in my ear

Just putting down my thoughts for the day...

It has become increasingly hard to stay gamble free, oh my goodness I hope it gets easier but I am still 13 days GF 🙂

I have said in other posts that I am a supervisor in a supermarket and the temptation is so great when you have to fill up the scratchcards, just looking at them is sooo tempting, every day for so long I would of bought lottery ticket or scratchcards, but now it's still hard but at the same time I feel I am that little bit stronger.

But I am on day 13 and if I get through this day without gambling I would have been 2 weeks, after so many years of daily gambling, I know it seems so small to some but to me it's getting somewhere :/

I wont see all the benefits though untill my loans are paid off in year and half and that's a difficult thing to deal with, the damage I've done, but I am trying so hard to look forward and not dwell on the damage which will only make me depressed.

I just wish I wasn't controlled by this addiction. it makes me so angry that I am... but I will continue to try and live 'my' life and not 'addictions' life.

And this song is inspirational to me atm, don't know about you but music really helps me sometimes. It's called 'don't give in' by snow patrol x

Sounds like you're making real.progress . Keep it up

Keep up the great work Angel, 13 days gf is very impressive. Keep working at and ignore that devil on your shoulder!

I’ve more relapses followed by attempts to go GF than hot dinners, but for whatever reason I now feel like this is the one. I have, through pained experience, gained an ever increasing awareness and now I feel I’ve finally risen above it.

The difference really is accepting that I will never gamble again and being at ease with that thought. I think I am.

Me too ukds69 . I really think this time I can do it

Really strange, I'm on day 17 of gamble free... the first couple of days were the hardest but since then I have gained so much knowledge and strength from the forum, sometimes not realised how many days have passed, my first counselling session is tomorrow at 2pm, I am a bit nervous but for so many years I have promised myself I will do it and never have, so tomorrow.. here goes..

I have noticed though in these last 16 days, how many stressful situations have made me just automatically go to the computer to gamble, it is so much an outlet, but I have chose to read here instead. It's that empty glass that I need to fill and I am trying to change that step by step, filling it with take a break puzzles or actually doing housework lol. Trying to focus on my life right now and ignore the devil in my ear x

Still going and I am determined I will beat it, love you all on here you have all helped me so much and I wish you all the very best in your journeys x

Hi Angel, firstly can I say how sorry I am to hear of the loss of your baby son 🙁 That in itself is enough grief to send even the hardiest of souls running into the warmth that addiction promises (it lies but you know that).

Secondly all the questions you are asking are exactly what addiction is about & I really hope the counselling helps you find a lot of answers.

A support group (GA) would provide you the understanding that your husband can’t/won’t give you @ the moment & whilst mine doesn’t understand, he has always been very supportive of my mini fist pumps. I thought your purchase of Recovery was incredible (such a big deal for us gamblers) & hope you have managed to make sense of it...If not, take what you can now & go back to it because it’s pretty much all in there. I don’t know if you should expect to be belittled but taking it on the chin is the best way to move forwards.

I have just posted this to one of my group who told me that he was hard @ work telling his demons to bleep off:

“I spent many months in the company of Mr Gamble after I 1st quit...He’d jump in the car with me urging me to turn the wheel to the bookies or lie next to me in bed prodding me to get up & go do my a**e in!

Sometimes I turned the air blue, sometimes I took him shopping, sometimes I just sat quietly with him & sometimes I did a little demented dance outside the bookies as he stood in the doorway flashing his cash in the most seductive pose a snivelly, pock marked (that’s really bleep spotty...Great big yellow craters), gap toothed c****n can strike! Now he don’t bother me so much!”

I don’t know if it will help but humanising my addiction gave me something to rage against when my Devil & my Angel were having a dust up (P.s: my Angel makes Tyson looks like a P***y cat but on that note, I’m not exactly a film star cryer either so I feel your pain when the tears do roll)!

You are right about needing to occupy your mind with other stuff because addiction is addiction regardless of our choice of crutch (or crutches) & you have to retrain your brain to accept that it is poison not a cure. All of the Anonymous groups are based on the same 12 Step principles so tackle your gambling properly & you should find you will be tackling your alcohol @ the same time rather than treating them as 2 separate illnesses.

You are not controlled by addiction, you do have that simple choice, just sadly, it’s very hard to figure out the how with the same brain that caught you up in it...Addiction doesn’t control your actions, you do so next time it comes calling, grab your cyber nunchucks & do a bit of windmilling until it runs off crying or you run out of P**f & fall on the floor unable to act on the urge!

I would say, post those notes that you scribble down if you are happy to share...It’s your diary so don’t feel restricted. I didn’t use my diary effectively & a lot of my pain is scattered elsewhere on the site so when I do read back over my recovery journey, it has gaping holes.

You know my thoughts on finances, manage your debt but try not to focus on it as you forge ahead to a calmer, happier life - ODAAT

P.s: I wouldn’t normally do this but I still really do object to many of the censors so feel free to grab a mirror & decipher the ones below that I don’t think should be...

Uh oh, I’ve been edited...Soz

Thanks caughtup, means a lot to me. Having some ups and downs but still hanging in there x

Thanks ODAAT your words mean a lot to me, even the edited ones x

Thank you caught up, always means a lot to me to hear you still hanging in there, also means so much to not be alone in this fight.

Today I looked at my gamble free days and was so proud, but oh my goodness twitchy fingers, more so after I had got stressed in a situation this evening. I really must do that self exlusion thing from these sites I still have access to :/ because my fingers almost got the better of me, I thought to myself.. well you know could just put 50 pound in, roulette it at 1 pound a spin and you could be quids up, wouldn't that be exciting! I almost did it but then I came here and put those feelings I had down here into some sort of words instead, which I think helped, that was so close though.. scary to think that I can become so little in control of myself all of a sudden, glad I have a way of putting my fingers to better use.. well for today anyway x

Let myself down yesterday, I was so tempted to gamble because I haven't excluded myself from a bingo site yet because it's VIP stil, stupid I know..I sort of knew I had to do that and knew it would be a gateway if I didn't but I was still VIP on one of the sites and they just throw money at you every now and then (to entice you I know). I thought that I wont exclude till the VIP has run out, that way if I get any free money from it I will withdraw it straight away and maybe salvage something from my mess, then when VIP goes I will exclude myself.
But I had the dreaded time on my hands and spare money so I went on the site and spent what they had given me and what was in there which was 13 pound altogether, I had a feeling I wouldn't be able to stop there, I convinced myself I would and that I had control of it. Can't describe how much ashamed I was of myself after coming so far.
In my years of gambling daily I have not even been one day gamble free so I have never dealt with a relapse and I am feeling really really down about it. I spent 100 pound after using that 13 pound of 'free money' not from our joint money, but from my overdraft on one of my seperate bank accounts, I actually won over 600 with it on roulette, but it all went back in again, just in about 2 hours of an evening. Then this morning I woke about 3-4 in the morning and there it was, that sick feeling again of what I had done last night, I knew it all too well.
To have got to day 46 and then let myself and my family down so much, I am disgusted in myself, to know what I could lose by doing this makes me feel knotted up inside, and to know that this addiction took control of me again is the worst feeling.
I want and will get back on the saddle though, I know I have to, it's that or a life of gambling probably on my own though this time, I don't want to cause any more pain for my family and they dont deserve that.
So back to day one for me and I will try to find some strength and positivity to start this again.

Thank-you for your very positive post on my diary a week or so ago.

I know all too well the waking up and sickness after a bout of evening gambing. What were we thinking? It's a cold slap in the face when you realise that you are not 'you' the night before.

However, 46 days really is a wonderful achievement and you shouldn't underplay it. Better you lost than you won, otherwise you'd've been back there already, expecting your invincibility cloak to carry on working for you...and spending larger amounts.

Take it as a lesson learned; a hard one, but a worthwhile one. All of us gamblers leave a door open in the beginning. I did. The VIP status and free money doesn't help, of course, but you're obviously savvy enough to see why they offer it. Exclude yourself, and sort out any other chinks you've left in your amour. One day at a time and all that, but aim higher this time and you will be surprised at what you can do after a setback.

Mm

Thanks for your kind words and replys it made me feel better reading them as always, I just wish I had come here and read your comments before I did even more damage yesterday.

To begin with just before I hit my 46 day mark of GF I could feel it creeping up on me, I really wanted to come on the forum and explain how I could feel it creeping up like a bad smell, I couldn't tell my husband because he wouldn't have really understood it, I did manage to tell him I was feeling tempted and that I knew it was something he didn't understand so I told him I was going to go on the forum and ask peoples advice, he agreed with that.
I tried so hard to come here but never got enough time to sit at the pc and put my feelings down, but I knew it was coming.. inside I was crying out for it to go away. I knew what I had to do, I knew I had to self exclude but why I didn't is a mystery to me, then all of a sudden my husband went out somewhere the boys were upstairs, I had a thousand pound overdraft on one of my accounts.. and it pounced on me.

Yesterday evening I thought, well it did let me get up to 600 last night, maybe it will again and this time i will withdraw it, 800 pound gone from my 1000 overdraft later... no it didn't and now I am even more angry and upset than the first time i gambled after 46 days and lost 100 pound of my money, now it is 800 pound 🙁 and I still have a voice in my head today saying 'keep trying, you can get the overdraft money back if you just keep going bit longer'

After reading here this morning I have done what I should of done on day 1. I have self excluded from the main sites for 5 years, I can't believe I actually did it, I never have even account cooled off on any of them in so very many years, including the one that was vip still. Feel so glad now that I have finally done it but feel like I just lost a friend or something? Got some very strange feelings going on here..

Thanks for the comments milkman, I will take it as a painful lesson learned and try aim higher this time starting today, when you said 46 days was a wonderful achievement, just that comment meant a lot to me ty x

So nice knowing I am not alone on my journey, thank you caughtup for your words, I know what you mean how it is hard to come on here and admit defeat but I find it really helps and wish I had done it before I lost my 46 GF days, the support on this forum is amazing. I believe you are strong enough to fight this well done for coming so far, together let's aim higher this time x

One day at a time and I hope today will be my day 1 of GF. I can't take this life of gambling anymore I don't want it, I want my family and to be happy.

xangel11x wrote:

Thanks for your kind words and replys it made me feel better reading them as always, I just wish I had come here and read your comments before I did even more damage yesterday.

To begin with just before I hit my 46 day mark of GF I could feel it creeping up on me, I really wanted to come on the forum and explain how I could feel it creeping up like a bad smell, I couldn't tell my husband because he wouldn't have really understood it, I did manage to tell him I was feeling tempted and that I knew it was something he didn't understand so I told him I was going to go on the forum and ask peoples advice, he agreed with that.
I tried so hard to come here but never got enough time to sit at the pc and put my feelings down, but I knew it was coming.. inside I was crying out for it to go away. I knew what I had to do, I knew I had to self exclude but why I didn't is a mystery to me, then all of a sudden my husband went out somewhere the boys were upstairs, I had a thousand pound overdraft on one of my accounts.. and it pounced on me.

Yesterday evening I thought, well it did let me get up to 600 last night, maybe it will again and this time i will withdraw it, 800 pound gone from my 1000 overdraft later... no it didn't and now I am even more angry and upset than the first time i gambled after 46 days and lost 100 pound of my money, now it is 800 pound 🙁 and I still have a voice in my head today saying 'keep trying, you can get the overdraft money back if you just keep going bit longer'

After reading here this morning I have done what I should of done on day 1. I have self excluded from the main sites for 5 years, I can't believe I actually did it, I never have even account cooled off on any of them in so very many years, including the one that was vip still. Feel so glad now that I have finally done it but feel like I just lost a friend or something? Got some very strange feelings going on here..

Thanks for the comments milkman, I will take it as a painful lesson learned and try aim higher this time starting today, when you said 46 days was a wonderful achievement, just that comment meant a lot to me ty x

So nice knowing I am not alone on my journey, thank you caughtup for your words, I know what you mean how it is hard to come on here and admit defeat but I find it really helps and wish I had done it before I lost my 46 GF days, the support on this forum is amazing. I believe you are strong enough to fight this well done for coming so far, together let's aim higher this time x

One day at a time and I hope today will be my day 1 of GF. I can't take this life of gambling anymore I don't want it, I want my family and to be happy.

It’s better to have given up for 46 days than never stopped at all. You’ll know the signs even better next time you get those urges and know what to do,.

New day, look to the future now