Diary of a familiar tale

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paulds
(@paulds)
Posts: 521
Topic starter
 

Day 6

Dusty Fairy, Jake, Smiler, GT, Delgirl, Freda, Keith.

All of you have posted after my slip and I want to express my deepest gratitude for your kind and knowledgeable words. I had tears in my eyes at the level of support here. I would like to wish you all the absolutely very best today, you are special people as are many otheres here on gamcare.

I apologise for letting you down, I apologise to myself of course, but not focusing on the slip now only the way ahead, the slip has gone, today still exists.

I have to admit that my first thoughts were to abandon the diary in shame or even lie and pretend I was gamble free. That was the CG in me, say anything to cover up your shameful tracks.

Back now with a vengence, with a resolve which has been doubled, still one day at a time, sometimes even hour by hour, I just feel more steely now.

That gambling demon has been wrapped in chains with two extra padlocks and this time the door under the stairs has been locked too...

Stay safe and strong

 
Posted : 27th February 2012 11:06 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Good morning

You have no apology to make. We have all been there done that and have a wardrobe full of tshirts to prove it.

Your honesty is refreshing and not taking the cowards out and sticking with this site shows what strength you have.

I would therefore say , you have the strength to beat this , you have the will to beat this, so beat it you shall if you just do not have a bet today. Days in to weeks , weeks into months months into years. Sounds soooo easy when it is put like that.

You can do it , just keep the faith.

Dusty

 
Posted : 27th February 2012 11:36 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hi Paul,

No apology needed at all, just make sure that you make your willpower against this evil world which we call gambling even stronger.

Then we'll all be happy!

Many thanks for your post on my diary - I have responded in great detail. You may want to have a read!

Enjoy your evening.

GT

 
Posted : 27th February 2012 7:44 pm
paulds
(@paulds)
Posts: 521
Topic starter
 

Day 7

Gamble free, fewer urges and mini target is 10 days.

Thanks DF and GT for your comments, I will read your post GT and reply in detail, sounds like you have a few interesting ideas.

More determined now than before, mini target is just 3 days but really want the days to fly by, to fill them with doing something to pay of debts drip by drip and rejoin life.

Can't remember the last time I went a calendar month in the UK without gambling so that is the long term goal. that will take me over the 40 day mark and beyond as well.

Still not getting carried away, one day at a time, lets reach those 10 days first.......

Paul

 
Posted : 28th February 2012 11:53 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hi

You sound like you are feeling more positive today.

The debts will decrease, like you said even if it is drip drip drip.

Stay strong, bat those edges away,

Looking forward to reading tomorrow, Day 8 .

So beware this fairy is keeping a close eye on you lol

Dusty

 
Posted : 28th February 2012 12:04 pm
paulds
(@paulds)
Posts: 521
Topic starter
 

Day 8

Gamble free and want to stay that way please, thanks D Fairy I need that close eye on me, much appreciated. 10 days is the target, just a mini one, it will feel good to get to double figures again.

A mad situation to deal with today with someone who helped me out in the past with cash (which i then gambled without them knowing) has now fallen on hard times and has asked me for help.

All my money goes on debt repayment but have to find something extra for him as this is surely Karma? Problem is is that my OH doesn't know about my gambling debts, and doesn't know that I am an ex-gambler (feels good to say that). So I am going to deceive her again... All this comes from my own dishonesty, gambling has made even doing a good deed turn into a decetful one. Eventually I know I will have to come clean. I am not strong enough yet but should be prepared for that moment...

Choosing not to gamble today (thanks DF).

Paulds

 
Posted : 29th February 2012 11:15 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Morning,

This brings to mind, you have to break an egg to make an omelet . I have not told my OH everything, and I do not know if I ever will. Every day I try to make amends, There is a lot to be said for telling it all to Oh and a lot of people feel that that is the way to go. I think it depends on you , your relationship and what you need to do.

We can not sort out everything at once , we would like to but we can not. Like you said yesterday it is the drip effect not only with money but with all other issues.

If you pay this guy you have dealt with one issue, you can then move on to the next. For the rest of my life there will be a ripple effect from my gambling and I can not do anything about that. For example the money I have wasted which I will need when I am old and grey, So instead of eating yourself up with guilt today, take pride in the fact that you will have taken a step forward all be it a little one.

Today let's both choose not to gamble, let's both take that little step forward.

 
Posted : 29th February 2012 11:41 am
paulds
(@paulds)
Posts: 521
Topic starter
 

Day 10

Thanks DF, honesty is the best policy but that is often easier said than done isn't it? If my OH new everything now we wouldn't survive because of my deceptions in the past. It is something that I should face up to but honestly if i was alone I don't think I would manage even the basics everyday. Selfish I know.

Good to get back to double figures gamble free. New target 2 weeks then the whole of March gamble free! Just take it slow, it seems like every day is a battle and a mountain to climb, soon the mountain wont be as steep and we can get back to days where we feel we are actually running downhill for a change.

Paulds

 
Posted : 2nd March 2012 1:47 pm
paulds
(@paulds)
Posts: 521
Topic starter
 

Day 11

Big Saturday today, always the dreaded day for me and many others, if anyone is suffering today lets embrace this day, today we choose to enjoy sport, today we are free from handing over our money to the bookies, today we will enjoy our day, our loved ones and most importantly we will enjoy OURSELVES!

If you find that you can't enjoy your sport without betting on it then quite frankly it means you don't really enjoy that sport! Lets rediscover the things in our lives that we used to love doing.

Lets keep this weekend gamble free!

Good luck and anyone feeling weak please read and post on this site as it really helps!

Stay safe and strong

paulds

 
Posted : 3rd March 2012 10:07 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hiya Paul,

Your days are certainly mounting up again...well done. Lovely post especially when you say about rediscovery. As this recovery journey of ours can have good times too 🙂 Hope you are having a nice relaxing weekend.

Hugs

Del xo

 
Posted : 3rd March 2012 5:27 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)
Posts: 4883
 

Hi Paul and thanks for your support. I can see that you are motivated to kick this gambling lark into touch for good but i can also see the pressure that you are under. Addiction loves secrets and lies but i can appreciate how hard it must feel to come clean to your other half.

As for the debts, well for me i use to owe 20k plus and like you the bulk of my wage went on debt repayment. Eventually I went bankrupt.. which was a huge pressure relief but in the years since ive still struggled from time to time to stay stopped. I guess once we are in debt the gambling head says we must gamble more to get out of debt.. but like you say, it never works out that way. Nowadays my money worries is due to being on a low wage but ive also come to accept that my compulsive gambling is nothing to do with money really.. its more like an emotional reaction to life.

All the best with with your on-going journey and well done on your gambling free time. I find that as gambling free time builds up I feel stronger in myself which helps in finding the courage to step out of my comfort zone. When I gamble it sets me back again, not necessarilly back to the beginning but it knocks the self-esteem. Anyway am sure you get what i mean. Cheers for now... S.A 🙂

 
Posted : 3rd March 2012 8:26 pm
paulds
(@paulds)
Posts: 521
Topic starter
 

Day 13

Thanks Delgirl and SA for your kind supportive words, they helped me through another weekend.

Gamble free feels good, makes me feel stronger to deal with everything else. Not really dealing with the other stuff at the moment, just postponing it, I don't want it to build up into the pressure cooker situatioin again, just have to bite the bullet and DEAL with things, no more eternal procrastination, a little more action.

Have to get through until tomorrow and that is two weeks down. Really want to smash through the 50 day barrier this time. Slowly but surely I WILL get there, then 100 days and then my whole life gamble free....

Not getting too carried away though, lets deal with the here and now and the future will take care of itself.

 
Posted : 5th March 2012 10:47 am
paulds
(@paulds)
Posts: 521
Topic starter
 

Day 14

That feels good two weeks gamble free and can push on now to try to make it three.

Still obsessively worrying about everything, if it was someone else I would suggest letting it go, living for today and focusing on those happy moments.

It seems easier to give advice to others and not heed it ourselves. It proves we know what is the right course of action, just have to gear our brains up and do it ourselves.

Have a good week everyone, stay safe, stay strong.

Paulds

 
Posted : 6th March 2012 10:43 am
paulds
(@paulds)
Posts: 521
Topic starter
 

Day 15

Gamble free and everyday feel that tiny tiny bit stronger, still aware of the pitfalls, last time it was 40 days gamble free, one hour gambling and now 15 days clean. Really thinking that is positive.

The blip was a warning, the days a fair achievement.

Paulds

 
Posted : 7th March 2012 11:14 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

I read something the other day, that I wanted to share with you.

f.A.I.L is First Atempt In Learning. That was what your blip was. You learnt sooooo much in that hour. It built up your resolve to succeed in the end game.

Well Done, if it get a little bit easier everyday, imagine how easy it will be in a month, a year or 5 years.

As long as you never believe you can ever gamble responsibly again , you should be ok.

Great to hear you sounding so positive .

Take care

Dusty

 
Posted : 7th March 2012 12:36 pm
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