Hi,
Thanks for taking the time to read this diary.
A little about my background. I'm now 25 years old. I began gambling at around 12-13 on silly little fruit machines. This led to a casino trip at 18 and before I knew it I was out of control. I once walked into a casino at 18 with 10 and left with 1000 in my pocket. This was easy I thought... how wrong was I. Anyway over the next 3 years I probably lost around 10-15 times that amount. My gambling gradually increased and before I knew it I was about 6k in debt.
No one really knew of my issues until one day it was all too much. I broke down in front of my parents and explained my problem. My mum and dad are extremely supportive and have always been so good to me. For me to come out and "disappoint" them was the HARDEST thing I've ever done. I cried my eyes out....for a 21 year old young man it was soul destroying. Upon receipt of the news my dad instantly ran to the toilet and was sick, you can imagine how this made me feel. We spoke about my reasons for gambling and decided for me to see a counsellor. I did this for about 3 months, approx. 8 sessions I believe. I didn't feel a huge connection with the man but it did help. He helped me to stop gambling for about 12 months. I felt great during this time and almost repaid all of my debt.
The 12-13 months was a difficult time but I soon forgot the terrible feelings that gambling had given me (anxiety, loneliness etc) So decided to have a little football bet...always the way I won! I was sucked back in, gradually over the next 12 months I was back to the way I was, if not worse. Earning more money and gambling more money. Roulette online was my main way of losing, it was quick and I felt a buzz for it. One day I would win 400, the next I would lose twice that. I managed to keep this from a long term girlfriend and although I had money problems I was a compulsive lier and could get away with it. At times she questioned my up and down moods but I somehow managed to lie my way through it.
December 2012 was the point it all hit me. At this time I was on approx 18k, very bored at my work and feeling low. Throughout the month I won about 3k and had never had so much money in my life. Every spare min was spent gambling, whether it was at work or at home. I had managed to do it without my parents really noticing too! This was until New years day. I cant remember the exact figure, but I think I lost somewhere in the region of 3-4k in one day. That was 25% of my years wages in 1 day, probably even in 3 hours! I couldn't access any money and decided enough was enough. I walked out of the house with my eyes heavy ready to cry. I will never forget the emotion that hit me when I was alone walking through the fields around my house. I have never felt so low, I felt like the only way to end my addiction was to end my life. I wasn't in huge debt, probably around 8-10k but the whole gambling feelings had made me feel so so low.
I took a deep breath, walked back into my house and explained everything to my mum and dad. They were shocked and stunned. Neither of them had expected I was gambling. Again, they were so kind to me. They asked what they could do to help. I decided I needed to lose control of my bank and spending. I gave them my bank card and access to my online accounts. The next step was to see someone. GA wasn't for me, I felt humiliated enough and didn't have the confidence to say in front of others I was a gambler. So I tried someone else, a different counsellor this time. I went and saw her around 4 times. Although she didn't solve my problems, she helped to make something click in my head.
You only get 1 shot at this life. You will have tests and believe me I have had lots but I type this now having not gambled for 541 days. My life has changed so much. I'm almost debt free, I feel more confident and I feel so much happier.
It hasn't been easy but I have been very lucky in some ways. My parents have been my rock, although a lot of what they have done has been listening it has helped so much. In my opinion it is nearly impossible to do it alone. Because of the way the industry is taking off unfortunately problem gambling is increasing. Don't be ashamed to tell someone you have a problem. When you try to deal with something alone you build it in your head and make it much worse than what it actually is!
I'm fully aware I will be tested again and again and im not over this horrible illness... but I know im on the right path and have the support to get me through the next 100000 days.. always believe
Jason
well done Jason nice reading a good story have a happy life
Not proud to say it but unfortunately i am back. Think i lasted approx 800 days which i do take heart from. However, 2 weeks ago i had a real urge to gamble again. I stopped after 2 days. So felt good until i had the urge back again yesterday.. and once again gave in. Somehow i managed to end up winning money. However, i have closed this account and want to stop for good again! Ive been in the position before in the past and know i can get back to 800 days + gamble free but wanted to lean on people here for support.
All the horrible old feelings came rushing back as soon as i gambled. Guilty, panic, anxiety, lack of confidence etc... During 800 days of non gambling i paid off all of my debt and im finally in a good place in my life. I know going back to the gambling is a massive negative but i must take the positives from what i have achieved in the past. Also, a slight bit of positivity from the fact ive stopped early this time rather than carrying on and on losing my hard earned money.
Anyway, back to day 1.. the journey starts from here again..
Monday morning and after a weekend of no gambling i feel good. Back to taking it one day at a time, i still feel the odd urge but ive been here before and got through it. Still feel dissapointed i let myself down recently, but am proud i stopped before it spiralled back to how i was before. One step at a time...
Well done don't go back I did and It was a nightmare that is still going on.
Thanks Michael, feel like an idiot for going back and ruining 2 1/2 years but probably was the kick up the b*m i needed! Anyway, onwards and upwards. Heres to 5 years + gamble free.
Your in a very dangerous situation Jason. You won, or you think you won and maybe even think you can control this now?
Just be careful.
That being said if your putting all your blocks back in place that would be a smart place to start
Tri x
Thanks for the comment Tri. I understand why you think it can be dangerous.. but i have proved before how i have the will power to get through a situation like this. Right now, i couldn't think of anything worse than going back for a bet. I know i will be tested again very soon and i will get through it, hence i am finding this diary helpful too.
Hi Jason, just read though your post and I'm sorry to hear what's happened, I know how u feel and it's worse feeling ever and telling your mum and dad aswell is hardest thing to do, wish you all the luck I can and I know u can beat this. Paul
8 days in and feeling very positive. For some bizzare reason i don't find the early stages difficult as the bad feelings are so fresh. Its months down the line when i feel the urge but the horrible feelings i have when gambling arent so fresh. Anyway, going to keep this nice and positive. Have a good weekend all
11 days gamble free, had a busy and enjoyable weekend without gambling. Funnily enough it barely popped up in my thoughts with everything going on in Paris etc. Makes you realise what is important in life, happiness and health. And i sure know that happiness comes from not gambling, so long may this continue.
Day 12, not really having any negative thoughts about gambling. The only dissapointment i have at the moment is the fact i was careless and went back and gambled. If i didnt it would have been 3 years this new years day! However, at the same time i am so glad when i relapsed i didnt lose everything i have worked so hard to get to, my savings for a deposit for a house! And more importantly, i didn't go mad and realised what i was doing was wrong so stopped quickly.
Whilst i am still about 5 grand short of my deposit it makes such a big difference to see my money going somewhere and is the motivation i need to keep me off the gambling!
Day 15, feel stronger than ever to fight this horrible addiction.
Even though sometimes i feel quite alone fighting this, coming on here and reading other peoples diaries/stories somehow makes me feel part of something. Over the past few weeks i have thought about my reason for going back and gambling after such a long time. I suppose i let my guard down having not bet for such a long time. I became a little complacent and thought a bet couldn't send me back to how i was before. Whilst this is partly true, as before the binge would have gone on for weeks/months and i wouldn't have stopped until i had nothing left.... the old feelings of wanting to win thousands (which never happens) came back. The future has to be and will be gamble free. Positive moving forward, looking forward to a busy weekend and many more gamble free days 🙂
Day 19, Busy weekend so not even any thoughts of gambling which is great 🙂 If i do ever have the urge i just remember back to how guilty and bad i felt the last time i gambled and im soon off the idea. Looking forward to Christmas and clocking up those gamble free days
21 days in, making small progress in terms of days but massive progress in the way i feel. Also putting it into perspective ive gambled for 2 days in the past 900 odd. So i take a lot of heart from that. This time i would be going 1000 days gamble free, i must stay positive and i know i can beat this.
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