Don't Lose Your Head

What you going to do differently this time? Are you familiar with the definition of insanity? You need to get the right tools in place to help you be more disciplined.

Thank you for posting on my diary degenerate. Would you not consider a more complementary name for yourself. Something that would reflect the courage, integrity and ambition that you have shown. 317 days GF is a massive achievement. You admit you still have thoughts and dreams of gambling but you have stayed strong and kept your resolve.

Regarding your queries about my sanity and whether I propose to change things. My brain has definitely been affected by my gambling compulsion and no doubt many synapses are just biding their time waiting for the next roulette wheel. In time I believe this will resolve itself if I don't gamble.

Only thing I can change which might help is to show more courage and determination.. In the past, friends have looked after my finances. I have self excluded from all the local bookies , attended Gamblers Anonymous and had counselling sessions. I have worn the T shirts but without some moral fibre, integrity and backbone it has been doomed to failure. My only hope of success is in making myself a better person. Right thinking, right acting and right on up the recovery road.

Hope was the last thing in Pandora's Box. I've got a rough idea where she was coming from. While we still have hope, anything is possible...stephen

Don't be so hard on yourself - if you counted up how many days you have not gambled since the same day last year it would be a big number - probably over 200 - so think of the positives while reflecting on how to take your next steps. X

Hey Stephen how are you feeling today ? i know you was in a pretty bad place a few days ago but hoping you're feeling more positive now and got your fight back in you 🙂 this is a life long journey and there's no easy fix so you just need to ride the storm and come out the other end stronger than ever ! positive thinking and mind over matter is the way forward .you can totally do this 🙂 take care and have a great gamble free day Sunshine xx

Keep going - you can do this x

Thank you Sunshine & Annie.

I have had a good day. Went to the gym lunchtime and did the Aquafit class in the pool. Tonight been Five Rhythm dancing.

Feeling confident at the moment but I have felt that way numerous times before. It's when my resolve starts to weaken that the battles will have to be fought.

Wishing everyone a peaceful, contented and gamble free weekend...stephen

Happy weekend Stephen, keep going and thanks for your support and kind words, Even though now I feel more confident I still check in everyday to remind myself of the place I used to be in. Take care S x

Thank you Sharon for your wonderful support and encouragement.

When i look at the name Abstainer I see failure staring back at me. I know it may seem a bit pathetic but I am changing my name.

On different days in different ways I can be a different Stephen. Sometimes full of the joys of spring, relaxed and confident. Other times a more subdued Stephen rises to the surface.

I am asking Stephen the Strong to take the reins and lead me to glory. Or at least get me home in one piece.

Hi Stephen thank you for posting on my diary, sometimes I feel self indulgent talking about myself but I have never been very confident and gambling made this worse and isolated me from the potential I could reach. I have no doubt that you want gambling out of your life, as you have managed to rid yourself smoking and drinking, so it seems within your reach for sure. One thing I do know is that it's bl***y hard fighting this on your own with no one to take control of finances or confide in (my choice I guess) so communicating here is vital. Take care my friend S x

Coming back to Degenerate’s point, what are you going to differently this time? Positivity, GC encouragement, a new thread, feeling bad and hoping to be strong this time were all in place before, what new tools do you plan to use? Broken triangle? Meetings? Counselling?

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, each time expecting different results. The same man will drink again.

It’s doable by you (but not alone), you can change for you if you want it, but only by using different tools.

CW

Sharon...You wrote "I feel self indulgent talking about myself but I have never been very confident and gambling made this worse and isolated me from the potential I could reach."

Your words are very meaningful Sharon. Compulsive gambling just reinforces any negativity we have. It saps away at our confidence, takes away our self belief and shatters our dreams.

Cynical Wife...I respect and admire your input on the diaries. Like Merry Go Round and others you have first hand experience of compulsive gambling. It is wonderful that you are willing to share your feelings and pass on your knowledge.

With regard to your posts on my diary, I do believe we are singing from the same hymn sheet. I have attended well over a hundred GA meetings which included 12 Steps meetings, I have on 2 occasions handed over my finances to trusted friends and I have self-excluded from the bookies on several occasions. These actions have had limited success. I did find my 12 counselling sessions very beneficial but having more sessions would simply be going over the same ground. Following your reasoning I agree that continuing down them roads is pointless.

I do like being a part of the diaries and look upon my fellow travellers as friends and confidants. I feel this will help my recovery.

I want to stop gambling and feel it is within my capabilities to do so. My only hope is to remain calm whilst showing more courage and self discipline...stephen

Morning Stephen,
Lovely bright, sunny day today!
(even if it does feel cccold.)
CW talks a lot of sense above but it's nothing any of us want to hear.
Unfortunately, we're in short supply of magic wands so we have to do it the hard way.
You really are a special person, you give so much to others. You should not think negatively about yourself because from what I can see the positives far outweigh the negatives.
Do this for you - because you're worth it!! X

Hi Stephen the strong...for some reason this associates with King Arthur lol (don't ask where that came from!)

Good to see you around the site and hope you are getting some peace back accordingly. Only you know what works for you and you have tried many different approaches already...sometimes it helps to walk on the same ground and sometimes it dont. Depends how much work we allow ourselves to put in.

Wish you strength and clarity. I am pretty sure you will find your way to freedom. One step at a time ☺

S&B xx

Hello again, Steven,

That’s what they say at the end of the meetings: “Keep coming back, it works if you work it so work it you’re worth it.”

No doubt as to your worth but more of what you don’t want to hear: you weren’t actually working the Twelve Step program or if you were, then you stopped? One hundred meetings over what period? One year at twice per week? Two years at once per week?

It’s a lifestyle change to be made and then maintained over a lifetime. The program is meetings, working the Steps, contact between meetings with sponsor and others, giving service back. And accepting that it’s not you in control. All of those tools work if you keep using them, ODAAT.

Will power, being stronger, new threads and positivity haven’t so far because the harsh reality is that it’s not you in control. Who or what you believe is in control is your own business. But it’s nigh on impossible to overcome addiction if you are the highest power that exists in your world.

For my situation, what my husband did whilst using is his responsibility. My concern is to look at how come he was able to get away with it, how I allowed it to continue and what I need to do differently going forward. Also a lifetime’s work.

CW.