It's time to learn from my mistakes

Yes, it's a progressive addiction for many of us. All I can say is to keep seeking out assistance. I was in the process of doing an indepth inventory and continued to relapse , I almost gave up the whole endeavor. But I persisted and have come through and feel stronger. I'm still doing the inventory and have finally gotten to another meeting with the group. So, don't give up. Just posting says that you have not given up. I hope others will post more advice. That's all that I have for now. Take Care. tara2

Yep, I can relate, the bookies roulette machines were my downfall and yes I have won hundreds in a week only to blow it all and them some in one crazy session. Running from bookies to cashpoint to bookies only to find the man who was watching me for the last hour was on MY machine. Number 20 comes out, me thinking, get off that machine because it has 9, 2, and 11 written all over it, guess what, 2 comes out, followed by 9 and then 11, what did he have on those numbers, only 20p!

Fast forward to 45 mins I have lost everything.

Do I miss those sessions, CERTAINLY NOT!!!!

Take care.

Shaun

Thanks for the support Tara. I've got a feeling it's going to take me a while to get over this and my head is all over the place. I find it very hard to be kind to myself and can't understand why despite all the pain this causes I always seem to return for more.

I won the money back and then some more yesterday only to lose it all in about 30mins but I guess the point is I shouldn't have even been in there in the first place. I'm not sure how stupid you can be though when i won £540.00 off five pounds only to give it all back.

Things are very much a struggle for me at the moment, battling anxiety, feeling depressed, struggling to cope with work, hiding this addiction, the debts building up. Living a lie and everytime I have stopped in the past, I just keep relapsing in a 2-3 week vicious cycle.

I know Im going to have to make changes to stop this but how to do that when I'm feeling like this I don't really know. I feel like giving up.

You sound like I was, we can all relate and well done for posting and just express yourself, write all your thoughts down and it will help along with the support of others you'll receive from this site.

Good luck with your journey.

Wilsy

Thanks Wilsy.

So day 2 today, first of five shifts in a row. Hopefully being busy will keep me safe but feel a little overwhelmed and anxious at the moment.

I think im going to try make a ga meeting on monday if possible never been before and maybe it could help.

I feel like I haven't really looked after myself recently and its time i did if im to overcome this.

GA Meetings are fine mate, they either help you or don't, they weren't my cup of tea, I preferred counselling and having this diary but I hope it goes okay for you. Keep busy and stay strong, get through a few weeks and the urges will become less.

All the best Wilsy

https://agriefshared.com/2018/02/09/my-secret-battle/ this was a good read last night, puts things in perspective and shows that's it okay to not be okay at times.

Day 3. The last two months I have pretty much placed football bets on a saturday, only low stakes but the trouble is it always leads to destruction.

The pain, anger, frustration and disappointment at what happened earlier in the week is enough to ensure that today will be different and that no bets will be placed.

If I learn from the week ive had and approach things a little differently this time then maybe recovery is possible.

It's better to have taken the hit this week than to have just carried on in a blur for a few more months and years.

I want to save, to enjoy my job, to make my relationship work, to get out of debt, to make my parents proud, to progress, to travel, to buy my own place, to sleep well, to eat well, to plau football and go running, but thats only possible if i dont gamble, one day at a time of course.

Hi, have you thought about installing gambling blockers on all your devices? k9 web protection is free and can be installed on computers and laptops. For the mobile phone I'd advise GamBan which does cost around £10 a year. Also self exclude yourself from all bookmakers within your area. I've done everything possible including counceling and can honestly say that it's all worth doing as it eliminates any possibility of gambling.

​I avoided doing any of the above in the past and relapsed many times as I didn't have the motivation to do it.

​Good luck with your journey and hope you beat this disease.

Thanks for the post Jayden. Ive not been gambling on my phone, its been in the bookies near to where I live. When Im next off work im going to get some passport photos done and self exclude from the one near to where I live which has caused most of the problems and the couple I pass on the way home from work now and again.

Last night I was thinking self-care is going to be important and how ive chased the money from overtime/extra hours at work over the last few years, but what is the point in that if it leads me to gamble and burns me out.

Last night I downloaded an app called insight timer and its got all sorts of talks, guidance, meditation for overcoming anxiety, addiction and various other things. Going to try incorporate this into my day.

Not had much time to myself with working last few days and the next few but im happy im moving in the right direction. Ive also been making a to do list and ticking off things I need to organise as find that keeps me focused and distracted from wanting to gamble.

Not much to report today, just finished work, one more shift tomorrow then off for a couple of days which im looking forward to.

Ive seen a job that I like the look of which im going to apply for when im off.

No bets today, finding posting here is helping me keep motivated.

Up early today on my well needed two days off. Im about to apply for a job I really like the look of but must say its taking all my strength and resilience to motivate myself to do it.

Maybe addiction wants me to put it off and stay in my comfort zone or maybe im just a bit tired!

Its been 7 days today gamble free and this is something to build on. I know its a long road ahead but im taking things daily and making a commitment that each day I will not gamble and it seems to be working.

Ive felt anxious at times and like im baring my soul to the world but im hoping things will get easier with time.

My parents have had control of my finances and have been drip feeding me money, ive also shown them my transactions which shows im being honest. I sometimes feel bad for having to have this in place or 'telling them all' or letting them down but they are very suppportive.

Feel quite refreshed mentally after a couple of days off but didnt sleep too well last night.

Back in work today on overtime will help save the pennys but need to be wary of working too much as that has led to relapse in the past. Also need to be mindful that there is no point working hard if you end up having nothing to show for it so hopefully will keep learning from the errors of my previous ways.

Enjoyed my time off with the mrs, spent some time getting myself organised and cooking nice meals. Also managed to get the job app done things become easier when dont gamble or more manageable.

Onwards and upwards.

Next on my to do list is to get some passport photos and self exclude from the bookies near to where I live and the ones I pass on the way home from work.

I mate, great to read your positive and thoughtful post this morning, you are gradually day by day improving your life and if you can continue on your path you will begin seeing more benefits.

Just for today don't work too hard, value yourself and have a great weekend.

Wilsy

Thanks for the support Wilsy!

Feel a bit bored today at work and had one or two thoughts last night and today about gambling with it being a weekend.

I think part of that is down to the job i do and the pressure it brings at times. I also had a supervision for about 2 and a half hours yesterday so by sharing things emotonally and talking openly addiction tries to grab you back in when you feel a bit vulnerable or tired.

I think part of this journey is understanding yourself, coping and realising your not always going to be comfortable and will think about the mistakes you have made. I just have to move forward each day and be the best version of myself I can be.

Gambling has caused unhappiness, stress anxiety and debts to name just a few things and I think back to the last loss that has led me to this point of stopping gambling and know that I dont want to go back down that road.

I know from past experience returning only leads to the vicious cycle starting again and to be totally be honest ive had enough tries in the past to be starting the whole process again!

10 days gamble free today.