Easy does it!

Thank you for message.

Appreciate your comments. Will start a new diary today, as much as I know you do not mind does not feel right using yours.

Thanks for your continued support

Dusty

Start a new diary but keep away from too much info about yourself. I learned the hard way before and now I don't need to tell people what I do etc it is purely recovery I am interested in. You are a valuable part of my recovery so please keep posting wherever that is likely to be. many thnks

Take care

Here I am back on the treadmill of life. No good feeling sorry for myself ust got to *** on and keep moving. Car was on the blink yesterday but a friend fixed it for £4.00 what more can I say. I was running scenarios through my head like a good un. Buying new car getting new engine all the usual stuff out of proportion. Settled down and moving forward again.

Take care

Will your friend fix mine? It needs a new engine and body. Does his price include the parts?

'Easy Does It' = smiler.......

Apprropiate title/username1!!!!!

25% cut on your mechanics price and will guarantee12,000,000 new customers....

Shoot Smiler, have a good un

great you reined in that projecting Smiler...had one of those myself the other day that ended up with me being a bag lady with a tesco trolley....

I can smile now...

its all good,like you .....This too DID pass...take care ...

Thank you smiler for your kind words,

Your right about the CG mind im still abit panicky over the money but one way or another i know i can pay everything even if its a few days late.

Stay Strong

E xx

Been reflecting quite a bit today and thinking about how the hell I have got myself to where I am in my life. It is frustrating to know that I should have done so much more in my life than I have actually achieved. What has held me back was obsession. I was obsessed with one form of an addiction or another. I never realised how much time obsessions take up. They are constantly with me. I have never known life without obsession.

As a young child I was bought up with an alcoholic father and the abuse was horrendous. The only way I could escape was to live in this fantasy world. The fantasy world was a safer environment that I used to run to when things got too much. The edges of real life and my fantasy life have been blurred somewhere along the way. My fantasy life has let gambling let me act out the role that I always wanted to be - The Maverick. It has been with me for so long it is hard to shake off. Slowly but surely things are getting better. I am slowly seeing the mist clear and it is a phenomenal feeling to actually be part of the human race again. For years I blamed my parents for what I had become. My father for drinking and mother for facilitating. Today I take full responsibilty for my short comings in life although it is hard to accept, I do. With all this resentments etc came alot of violence in my life. I am guilty of being very cruel at times whilst in the midst of addiction. Again I am slowly getting better. I have made amends with those I can. Iask for forgiveness on a daily basis and hopefully I will one day feel it has been granted fully. Why I'm writing this I do not know. I am just writing and no I'm not drunk I am also a recovering alcoholic. I feel like I have reached a turning point in my life and know I am going the right way. Maybe it is a grieving I feel for gambling as I know there is no return for me. I have been through every emotion ever invented in my life. Mostly very angry. I have a talent in life that anything I do I do really well and yet I have never done well in working. My pre-occupation of gambling just stole everything from me without me realising. This time round I am going to see what the real world really is all about without the crutch of addiction. I am getting there so hopefully I'l break the chains that have held me back. Rant over. Please takecare if you are new here as recovery is only as good as what you put in. It is not to be taken lightly but a sense of humour will return in time. Hope all is well with anyone that reads these forums and don't be scared to jump in and share your thoughts and feelings!

Hiya Smiler...just to say night night...still haven't got the hang of these diaries which is why i always leave two posts!! one on mine and on the postee s....lol

Am ok ..just had a resentment and didn't want to drink on it...(no drink in the house anyway as given it to the neighbours.)...doesn't do us good to dwell too much ...tried to crowd it out of my head but still got to me.

I have just looked at my old diary now cyber archived..I do this to remind myself just how far i have come as it was hell and never want to go back there. Today is a million times better and I am so much stronger now thanks largely to this site and meetings....night night Smiler...take care and thanks for lifting me up again ....Rach n Dotty

ps...just read your post today as missed it .....very honest of you to write it Smiler,..can identify very much with a lot,..the alcoholic parent,not being protected by the other,the violence ,the maverick spirit...and i'm guessing a person who feels always on the outside of things and different.

No harm in being reflective I think so long as we don't get stuck and can use the insights to carry us forward in a good way then its fine.

Also identify with fantasy life...for me ..I love the realm of possibility and potential....its when it becomes realised that the problems start...never as good as imagined in my head.

Learning to live life on lifes terms....take care and keep posting...great to understand more Smiler..I know from other posts you have said you have had to become more guarded and I understand why.

Folk are always telling me i'm "too honest" but the maverick in me keeps speaking my truth ...night night ...

Hi

Just wanted to say , what ever has happened in our life, good or bad shapes us for the future.

Regret is good as it can be lessons leant, but too much time dwelling on the should have can only grind us down.

Your dedication to this site, is born out of your life experiences which has given you a great empathy with others.

I like you wish I had made different choices, as I am sure does everyone who reads this post. But we didn,t , we are who we are.

I am pleased that you feel you are moving into another stage in your recovery it just seems to be always moving forward and becoming more and more solid.

I look forward to the day , when you post that you have accepted it all past and living in the present , no more regrets just comfortable in the life you are living.

Once that happens , you will give me a shred of hope I can do the same.

Love and respect to you.

Dusty.

Thanks for replies. The one thing from all this "carnage" in my life is that I am now a survivor and nor a victim. I have been in recovery mode for many a year but always slipped backwards when the going got tough as it was easier than standing up and being counted. Today I accept my life has not been the bed of roses I think everyone elses is. If I can accept my life 100% then I will move forward. I think I'm getting there. A friend of mine once commented when I said I've given up loking for peace of mind, he said well that's it then you must have found it. I don't think I have I just genuinely gave up loking for it. This time I am looking for it but not as hard. Take care

Just to add I'm sitting here watchinh the tennis final and for some reason I really need to know the odds in order to watch the match. Why is that? Im not interested at all in betting on it but if I knew the odds I would feel better! Very odd!! ...and obviously I won't check the odds,

Wow Smiler!

I had no idea you had been through so much mate. Thanks for sharing it with us - a truly brave thing to do, as it can feel very vulnerable to speak so openly.

How strong are you, that you have come through it? good on you mate, for tackling these feelings in reality without addiction. That way you break the cycle.

Take care,

f x

Hi Smiler,

Thanks for the post. You're right I know and keep trying to tell myself the same. I just get down so much when things are beyond my control. I think that is because there is order in my life now and I feel that it's been taken away from me.

Read your earlier posts. I can really relate to that fantasy world thing. I had similar family problems as a kid and just wanted to escape. Reading your truth made me turn back and look at mine. I would watch horse racing on the tv as a 7 year old and after it finished, re run them in my mind with my metal horses from my racing game and write them in my note book. Sounds pathetic. I almost cry as I write, the pain is heavy. Now we have escaped all of that haven't we? The gambling too. It seems we spend our whole lives running. It's so nice to feel safe and secure, perhaps that's all we really wanted and some love of course.

Keep Smiling and all will be well.

Best wishes, IanB.

"I think I'm getting there."

Sorry mate, but I am!

Seriously though, together we WILL beat this evil addiction and together we WILL all get there.

GT