Every Day Is A Second Chance

Another lazy day LB for me as i nurse my toothache.

Its about coming through the storm to reach the perfect circle..

https://youtu.be/-QbWTbjqtAI

Hay!

Ok ok...me is noo Eeenglish so i shall admit i worded it wrong. I didn't mean a destination as a place. I meant i feel like ppl are expecting me to move on and i cannot deliver that to them or most importantly myself. Sentences as "you will get there" i see as negative in my coo coo head...it's like i am in s**t puddle being told to keep paddling. Of course I'm wrong and maybe i am in that place but hay ho..my choice.

Aha..sunny UK huh ☺..always liked the country and remember the English teacher at school who knew everything about the country but never visisted the land. I actually was fascinated about this land from early age and something was drawing me here...obvs not rain lol..boo! (They didn't show daily forecast at those times 😉 )
Many reasons helped me to make decision and pack my bags...come here, liked it here and felt great being able to learn the language and "communicate". How awesome is that!
Of course i packed my bags again after few years and was one foot bk in my country (the need to keep searching & plans to go to university) but ..which is gonna sound bonkers so bear with me - a few days before my flight i came across my now ex and had a crazy moment in life! Dropped everything in few hours and even bought a car that day :-0 lol lol...ohhh..i do wonder how everything would of been now if i actually made it to the airport :-/ ..but no regrets. I dont think this is my final destination tho. I already moved around (in my head) and looked for the different town to live in! Not happened yet..i also weighed my options on going to USA, or Spain...anything is possible. It's hard to explain, i cannot stand still..being in one place for too long starts weighing me down but the thing in life is, you find your feet in the place, start living, getting attached to place, suffocate yourself with commitments as bills...so the rest goes pants.
Lithuania is lovely country in Summer....winters are brrrrrrrrrrrr...don't fancy -20 for few months for sure..the native country holds much heartache and "unfinished" business (something to do with letting go & making justice) but with time i feel it's slipping out of my hands and trying to accept that i cannot pursue my goals.
England became my second home. Felt safe and "accepted" ( to the degree) here...of course accept myself as worthy creature and don't feel like everyone is viewing me as a "grabber" is still work in progress...i do pay my taxes ya know 😉
I don't know where i will go from here...but i need to go somewhere because my heart is screaming more louder than before..."I've been in one place for too long!"..i need a change.

Not sure if it's explainable, i cannot waffle on in more detail cause this forum is not created for that.

Leave ya with a saying "your home is where your heart is" & i honestly cannot say i know where my heart is at the moment.

Have a good day and keep posting! ( not necessarily to me lol)

Take care

S x

Hi
Intersting Q. On paper I've got no obvious reason to have any issues. A degree of living under the shadow of family members-but that's it. Which makes me feel a bit silly sometimes, but hey ho the silly part isn't admitting that now.

A long term rel finished rather too cleanly in my mid 20s. That certainly accelerated gambling etc. But generally I'd say I got a taste for avoidance. I guess there must be some pre-disposition too.

Louis

Great post LB about the storm, we sure arnt the same as we were before we walked in :))

Yep :)) you are dong just fine.

Suzanne xxx

Had a bit of a realisation last week which has left me pondering for a few days and I've spent the morning reading about the inner child and found this article. I want to put it here, so that I can come back and read it again in the future.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evil-deeds/200806/essential-secrets-psychotherapy-the-inner-childo

Recently, I've been looking for the answer as to how do we reconcile the adult with the inner child? I've come far enough to know that there is an emotionally stuck child in me.The little girl waiting for dad to take her out for the day like he promised when he left home, but then he never came back for me. The teenager angry with her mum for trying to take her own life....how could she do that to me? If he'd loved me, he would have stayed...if she'd loved me she wouldn't have tried to leave me. And all the other decisions and choices I have made that directly lead back to that question of being loved and loveable. Of course, as an adult I can see the truth of it. Both of them loved me, they were just very unhappy with each other and they were very poor at dealing with the emotions of a child. I don't think they had any idea of how I was feeling (I'm fairly sure I never told them) and the psychological needs of kids and the effect of depression and divorce back then just wasn't considered. As an adult I know that they both did the best they could. They told me they loved me, that they cared, but their actions (in my mind) didn't prove it. I can rationalise it now. I have always loved them and once all the turmoil surrounding their relationship died down (many years later) I had a really good, strong realtionship with both of them.In the great scheme of things it wasn't really that traumatic. Lots of people deal with worse and come through unscathed. Maybe I'm just over sensitive? I've got to shake it off. So why, I keep asking myself, does the child keep popping back into my life? I've tried reason, logic, positive thinking, counselling. I've come a huge way in in accepting it all and even just realising it's an issue has helped. I had a lightbulb moment last week and thought well, maybe it's because I was so young when mum died, maybe if I'd been able to talk to her about it as an adult that might have helped? But neither of them are alive so that boats has sailed. So what can I do about it? How can I reconcile that child with the grown woman that I am? Do I even need to? The article says that what was done cannot be undone. The clock can't be turned back, but instead it's about parenting our own inner child. I have to provide discipline and guidance to my inner child. I have to love and nuture that little girl. I'm not sure that it's as simple and trite as loving yourself ...and I need to read some more...but I think another jigsaw piece has slotted into place.

LBx

A nice post there LB. Thankyou.

Will need to read again, look at them links and ponder.

It's not just gambling we need to find acceptance with and its definitely not a case ' of some having it worse '

I think ( at least for now ) that it's more of a case in living in harmony with your inner child but as a more wise soul.

The energy of the universe.

Hi LB and great post ! The way I see it is that we come from our parents but we're not them , we have no control over how they were nor over there actions that influenced us growing up . I feel that with my kids I could always have done better but as with many things in life parenting is something we just gain a feel for as we go , we do what we consider to be right at the time and kinda hope it works out ! Dealing with the death of our parents is never easy , when I lost my Dad it was devastating and I never really had chance to ask him many questions that will always remain unanswered . My Dad always found it impossible to show emotion , just his generation I suppose , but I still always remember him being great fun ecpecislly on holidays he became a different person and I try and hold on to those memories instead of the negative ones . Mum on the other hand was always there to discuss things with and that's why I struggled with her death a few years ago and to be honest , still do , I remember her leaving me a letter saying that Dad had always been proud of me and loved me since the day I was born but it wan't him saying it so I was just as confused and it still didn't feel any better ! It really must be so difficult for you not to be able to ask those questions to which you seek an answer but we do have to let that go because ultimately we will never know what made our parents do the things that affected us when there no longer around to ask . I'm sorry it's not much of a response but I really don't know what to say , your the only one who can deal with your feelings and who knows when you reach a point of being at ease with them . I can only empathise with you to a point simply because I've not been in my life where you have but if it helps I am feeling for you right now ! Take care of yourself X

FB, I like that response from Alan and my guess you will too.

I know i have a tendency in going of on tangents and circles but i just want to add to your post!

I completely get where Al is coming from and in your post i ( maybe ) get things a little more. I tend to think that with in yourself that your in a fairly good place and still digging for answers to some of your age long questions. Then again, i think you've answered them and nows a case of staying in recovery ( in the present ). The education is never over but sometimes we've learned enough and now its more a case of giving, which believe me you are.

I believe that you've now broken a cycle of negative energy what with your folks and unfortunately possibly your sister is still in her own negative cycle. Now, for your next generation ie kids and there after its a case of going into the cycle of positive energy. We're always going to be a confused race as just to many questions to ask, as so many tangents to go off on, so now its a case of feet up and enjoy life with a nice reflection from the mirror. Just drip feed what you know and the rest will take care of its self.

Now, no excuse of having no multi grain, go and feed them birds....

Thanks for your post. Not sure whether they're negative or positive but I definitelty feel like I'm going round in circles sometimes! You may be right...or maybe not...I'm letting your ideas filter through.

I think I'm probably done digging. I feel like I've explored every nook and cranny and now it's about pulling it all together. I was fortunate (didin't feel like it at the time) about 5 years ago to get some really good therapy. I'd been to bereavement counselling, which helped scratch the surface, but she felt that I needed more and sent me off to my GP. I honestly think it was only because we had private health cover that I got the referral, as although I probably was depressed it wasn't really severe enough to get the input that I received. No matter. I ended up at a psychiatric hospital on what I can only really describe as an intensive therapy course. Most people there were inpatients being treated for suicide, self harm, addiction, severe depression. Myself and a few others were allowed to attend as day patients. I went every day for about 6 weeks. It was a mixture of one to one therapy, group sessions, an optional 12 step type daily meeting, mediatation and basket weaving (not really!). Most importantly, it was daily lectures covering all about mental health and illness. The thinking was to really teach you to help yourself and a thorough understanding of how and why we had all got there was a big part of it. I learnt about transactional analysis, psychodynamic therapy, CBT, anger, grief, abuse,distorted thinking styles, mindfulness. You name it, we covered it. I'm fairly sure I could have passed a psychology degree at the end of it. Anyway, through that I learnt a huge amount about how I ticked. Over the last few years that knowledge has continued to work it's way into my being. Joining this forum and kicking gambling feels like it's the final part of that process. Every so often something will spark a bit more momentum in me and I'll go back and work through some of what I uncovered then. I really feel like I'm getting it now, it just feels like I've got to tie all these loose ends together. And once I've tied them all together in a neat little bow I can exhale and breathe again.

Wow, that was a lot. Sorry, I think I just went off on a tangent! I probably should have put that on my diary but I'm not retyping it all again now 🙂

Thanks for thinking of me and taking the time to post.

LB x

Thank f**k we didnt do the job share LB, i've just had to type this on your post for you!!!!

You've come along way LB, with plenty of strength and courage. You've travelled that yellow brick road and come to ' home sweet home ' Good on you. You are indeed ' getting it ' possibly even ' Got it '. Now to kick back and enjoy...

Hi LB, Well all I can say is that you seem to be doing a great job of putting the jigsaw of your life back together and I really hope your able to fill in the missing pieces with some positive thoughts of your own . In answer to your question , Yes , I still have my letter and I do realise that he loved me but that wasnt a thing he would show in a way I could understand at a young age .

It's funny how we don't have to be like our parents and we get a chance to pass things on to our kids minus the bits we didn't like as children ourselves , I always make a point of telling my daughter and son that I love them and it's so nice to hear it come back , especially from my six foot son , LOL ! but at least that way they know because they heard it first hand and one day I won't be here to tell them anymore !.

I'm so happy that by travelling your journey, your reaching a point that your becoming comfortable with yourself and with your life We're not on this earth for long and we need to concentrate on the here and now sometimes insread of the then and there .

Thanks for sharing LB , It's great to talk !

Regards and respect ................Alan

Hi LB,

Thank you for your thoughts ☺...& i mean - YOUR thoughts..i noticed similarity straight away (maybe more Mummy wise)...also...your sister keeps crossing my mind...
I went round mine today, very briefly(she works at shop)...she looked happy seeing me (didn't mk contact for two weeks)..but...i sense her looking me up & down (clothing wise...bah...she knows her labels 🙁 ) & one comment brought my confidence back down "...don't you wear earings?"...the thing is ...i didn't & i hardly do cause my work is not pretty stuff lol and on days off i forget these things or ..just don't have time to "doll" myself up, or maybe...i am happy not to draw attention...all in all...i felt a failure...once again...still we're all different and i don't see the world through her eyes as she cannot see mine through my eyes...we are unique as humans huh
Don't know why i tell you this!
I was just thinking last few days and following the events day in day out...more 3D life...accepted or not...keep pushing huh ☺

Love your recognition of yourself and progress you're making..truly inspiring..& i agree...sometimes too much digging can keep the wounds open, there is time to stop and let go..not easy, but.....

Keep wining & looking after yourself. Proud of you!!!!

Sandra x

Something I remembered from a long time ago....

It isn't about recovery....it's about discovery

LB x

Yeah ! , Been there , done that with the teenage girl and her hormone's and thats some scary shi.t !! , reinforced hinges and a good carpenter on standby is the way forward , you wait untill the boys on the doorstep start , i've interogated many in my time so if you need help pass them straight on to me !!.

You too , have a great day LB x

LOL!! " Popping in for a chat " LOL !!

Hi you

Do hope the catching up will go smoothly ☺.
I talk to my sister through Whatsapp also...it is deffo the safest place for both of us occasionally lol.

Have a good one also. Sun is up so that means I'm out & about taking in the rays of the yellow ball ☺

Stay safe