Fallen Mans Recovery Diary

Journal Day 21

Hi all, just checking in. I am happy to say I still have no urges to gamble and I seem to be having the fleeting thoughts about anything gambling related less and less now. The only things that really bring it to the forefront of my mind now are repayment of debts.

I have a stinking cold at the moment (self employed though so still at work as if I dont work I dont get paid, and currently that means Im here unless Ive broken both my legs !) and work is beyond busy so I am not at my best, but at the same time I have plenty to occupy my mind at the moment.

I am approaching a month clean now, and am looking forwards to hitting that milestone, although the "X"s on my calendar still dont look as numerous as I would like yet.

In my down time whilst travelling I have been reading various diaries on here. captain46 and Stephen2105's both really moved me, they are a stark reminder of the pain that gambling causes and I wish them both well with their recovery too.

@Gav yes, I am determined to spend my time more productively from now on, gambling was just such a waste from so many different angles.

Yup I still felt the buzz even in the dream which was a bit scary. The guilt when I awoke tho !. I notice in your diary you were talking about another dream you were having - that sounded similar to one I used to have in childhood (mine always ended up with me stuck in deep mud, unable to move, and tank rumbled towards me I would always wake up as it ran me over) I looked it up in a few of those dream interpretation books (not my thing at all, but i was intrigued) and they seem to point to a "control dream" where you are scared of being out of control, and seeking to try and impose order on something. Sounds about right for us eh !.

Keep on keeping on everyone.

FM.

3 weeks ! Excellent mate ! Sounds like the urges have calmed down a bit which they will over time! Im struggling with the debt thoughts as well, if and buts, but we wont get it back ! Its a fine balance to over think about it and forgetting about it, it serves us well to think about it as gambling brings debt its a useful reminder to prevent relaspe, but overthinking about it 24/7 is not healthy. Sorry cant word it clearer but im v hungover.

Yeah I concur with the dream , no dreams last night in my drunken haze.

keep it up

Journal Day 23

Just checking in, still feeling grotty (cold) so havent done much of anything the last few days. Just trying to keep my head above water at work, and get things back on track at home. I still feel a little flat if I am honest, but I think thats due to various parts of my homelife rather than the gambling recovery. Looking forwards to spending some more time with the boy at the weekend though so thats good.

I have had no urges to gamble for the last couple of days. I found myself having a bit of a think about gambling - wondering whether I could ever gamble again, which was a thought I squashed pretty quickly, and I suspect was more to do with my sub conscious testing me than anything else, it certainly doesnt reflect my general state of mind. I have drunk very little this week (less than one beer per night) in part due to being under the weather but also in line with my new regime !.

Sorry, bit of a boring update really - but I want to keep checking in, and in many ways I suspect "no news is good news" as far as being a CG is concerned.

All the best all.

FM.

Alright lad, sounds like your well dosed with cold.

I can identify with them thoughts "- wondering whether I could ever gamble again"

For us compulsive gamblers its a NO NO!

The brain will try and trick us into it , sometimes when we least expect it, it wants them stimulating chemicals floating afree!

Im the same with you not much going on, this weekend, I've the kids tomorrow and weather looks good, so going to try and get out and make the most of the weather.

Cutting grass tonight ! Exciting or what! Then duck for dinner with triple cooked chips. Yum.

Have a good wk end.

Alright lad hope still all good with you?

Journal Day 27

Hi Gav - thanks for looking in on me mate. Im good, just been really busy with family stuff (every weekend seems to be a christening or birthday at the moment) and work.

I really honestly feel like I can tell you now Ill never gamble again. I think Ive just passed the point where it even enters my head. I will remain cautious about it, but I do feel like I have left this episode behind me, which is great. The way Im thinking about it at the moment I suspect as confusing as it sounds, to me the two statements below are not mutually exclusive:

a) I am no longer a gambler, I am not in that place anymore.

b) I will be "in recovery" forever.

thats kind of where I am at the moment.

Anyway. I am still moderating my alcohol intake, a session for me at the moment is 3 beers or a few glasses of wine, rather than 8 beers or two bottles of wine.... and whatever else followed !. I dont feel in any way scared that Id fall again, and would decide gambling is a good idea whilst drunk, I do think however I was binge drinking symptomatically though so its healthier in all senses for me if I keep alcohol intake realistic.

Work is still pretty stressful at the moment despite knowing that contractually I am safe. I am keeping my head down and trying to get things sorted though.

Keep up the good work all !

FM.

Excellent news my friend. Things seem to be going well for both of us! Chalked up 15 days now! Well done on the old alcohol front, I could do with moderating my drinking but as previously mentioned all my efforts are currently going into NOT GAMBLING! Like you my urges have drastically reduced which is great, however COMPLACENCY is something to look at. A good story in AA big book was an alcoholic (recovering) who had been clean for years and things were going good, he decided to go out for lunch one day with no intention of drinking, he ordered a mik with his sandwich and out of the blue he thought I could have a whiskey with that milk, ordered one put in the milk drank it and continued to eat his sandwich, he then thought I could have another whiskey with the milk after all with the milk it wouldnt do any harm. He then proceeded to get heavily intoxicated leading to a long bender!

What im trying to say , is watch out, sometimes we are at our weakess when things are going well.

I've finally got to the point where i realise i cant win at gambling! If i do win money its just stake money, in the long term we always lose, therefore why gamble! Its that straightforward to me.

Anyway better get some work done. glad all is well.

Journal Day 29

tomorrow will be a full month gamble free!. Onwards and Upwards.

Currently still keeping my head down and trying to keep on track work wise. I have noticed that I am starting to get more things done, for around the last year there has just been this detritus of "stuff" hanging around that I havent done - changing my accountant, doing some DIY at home, booking someone to come and empty the septic tank at the house. ... Im not sure I can levy my entire lack of progress on all this stuff at the door of compulsive gambling but I am sure it played its part, and I can see that I am beginning to work my way through these things which is giving me a sense of achievement.

@Gav - I completely understand, and yes I will guard against complacency. The reason I feel so resolute currently is that I simply have no interest in gambling, I think i have moved out of the zone where I saw it as a "treat" or a pass-time, I am looking forwards to or getting on with, other stuff. I think if I still harboured any want or excitement in regard to gambling I would feel worried, or like I had to guard against it.

If I ever start to feel like I missed gambling or that the sight of a slot machine sparked an interest.... I would definitely be worried.

I completely agree with the analogy of alcoholic, and i do totally understand that gambling is simply something I can NEVER do again. In complete contrast to my resolve as described above, I know if I did for any reason try an online slot again, I would instantly be back "in it", I suspect that it would become habitual very very quickly again. I feel lucky that I have been able to break the cycle - but I know that this doesnt mean im "cured" that isnt the case, as someone else here said "the pilot light is always lit".

Right. time to get back to some work. Hope you all have another gamble free day !!.

FM.

Hope all good with you?

How do you feel after a full month gamble free?

Journal Day 35

@Gav - Hi fella, I am good cheers. I dont entirely know how I feel about hitting the month milestone. On the one hand, I think considering I was gambling EVERY single day it must be a great achievement. On the other hand, I feel so far removed from the gambling me now that it is very difficult to think anything other than "it was bloody stupid to be gambling like that in the first place" which rather lessens the achievement I feel.

There are still traits within me that I think echo the gambling me - the "want it all now" part of me is disgruntled about how long it will take to get myself financially set up again, and I do find myself looking for ways to cut corners (rather than saving up for a car (for my wife, not for me), which can only happen once i have repaid debts, maybe I could take on a hire purchase agreement to speed up the process etc) So I am trying to remain rational and knock those thoughts on the head, I need to accept what ive done to myself and that even though I feel like I have moved on the damage and the detritus I have left will take me time to clear up.

In other areas I feel like Im starting to make progress, Ive set up a small direct debit to be paid into my sons savings account - something I always put off as I needed all the extra money I had and some that I didnt have, to feed the gambling demon in days gone by. I need to chalk each one of these steps up as a victory and stop lamenting on where I could have been had I not been a compulsive gambler and a raging T**t.

I think I can see from reading back this post as I am typing, and from reading my other posts of late, that my main issues and inward battles stem from my feelings about the fallout from gambling, rather than worrying about how to stop gambling now - so again I guess I have to view this as a victory in itself. I cannot work out whether its me being "greedy" and wanting to be sorted too quickly, or whether I am actually being "hard on myself".

Either way, in terms of progress with not gambling I am pleased that the madness is over and I have some control back. Ill have to remain ever vigilant of course, but I think that is so much easier when the cycle has been broken in the first place, If i was to stray again, it would be my own fault and would require a conscious decision and I am not going to do that - I feel sure I can choose not to gamble, always.

Work is just mental at the moment, getting more stressful by the day so I have replaced one set of worries with another at the moment - however pressure of work is different from gambling (or pressure brought on by uncertainty about actually having work) so I can deal with that. It does mean I am not getting the time to post on here as much as I would like though - I try to at least read one post a day between meetings as I think I need to keep this forum in my mind, as a reminder to what I was/am and what I must not ever consider an option again (its also great to see you racking up the posts as well, since we started our recoveries around the same time, and have very similar circumstances - so please keep up the posts mate !).

Thanks as ever for looking in on me.

Stay strong everyone, and keep making the right decision.

FM.

Good to hear from you and glad alls good.

Yes Im that type of person, I have no patience , if I want something I want it now (or preferably yesterday) , I dont like waiting. Just 2 weeks ago i got a new phone , even though my old contract hadnt finished , subsequently overlapping bills for a few months! All because of my impatience!

With the gambling I was always wanting the Biggiest JP the largest Streak, but even then it would never have been enough. The old saying, we cannot win as we cannot stop, has never been so true.

Thats an excellent idea of setting up a DD for your son, showing what positive things you can with your money. I might look into that myself once I get my current debt delt with.

I sense your frustrations from past actions, but we cant afford to dwell too much about the past. We can change our futures and what futures we all might have if we keep gamble free.

Anyway good luck with the work load, fairly busy myself.

Gav,

Hi FallenMan,

Thank you for your reply on my diary. I can't tell you how much it has helped me this morning. I am seeing things a little clearer now.

Your first post on your diary is very sobering, but to come here and fight back is something you should be very proud of.

Problem gambling simply has to be one of the worst addictions going. A 'slip' or 'falling off the wagon' for a day or so can lead to months if not years of misery in paying back debts, as well as missing out on doing things in life due to paying these debts. I wonder whether the government truly knows the damage gambling is causing to so many people?

Anyway, neither of us want to go back to 'it' so keep going and I hope you have many days to come that pass without incident.

Paul

Journal Day 36

Still positive and absolutely no thoughts of gambling. Am going to try and get back to posting a bit more often to keep this site uppermost in my mind so as not to get complacent (although currently I dont feel gambling could tempt me back at all), time is just in short supply currently.

@Paul - you are most welcome mate. When I first came here I felt so torn up, and like you said on your diary I was hurting. People on this site got me through those first few days until my resolve and general well being caught up - I cannot thank Gav, Dunc, Helen, Tri, MileEnd and everyone else that came to my aid when i needed it enough. I am always glad when I am able to pay back some of my "debt" to everyone here by replying on others diaries.

Completely agree with you. Gav and I talked about being in a bookies on the FOBTs and seeing everyone around you in "zombie state" going through the same motions as you are, and looking fraught, dead behind the eyes - there is no joy in it, even if one of that number won. It is a scary thought to contemplate how that scene is played out in every bookies across the UK and again in secret online via laptops, tablets and phones ....

When you start to look at the threads on here and see the incredible sums of money that ordinary everyday folk are racking up in debts through gambling it is simply astonishing. I realise that the government are making money in taxes since gambling regulations were relaxed, but I cannot help but wonder whether this isnt countered entirely by the level of personal debt and credit the UK as a whole carries entirely due to gambling. You often hear politicians talking about the problems associated with Britains "Credit Culture" etc, and I wonder exactly what percentage of this is directly attributable to gambling debts accrued by compulsive gamblers ... I (bet is the wrong word!) *** that it is much higher than anyone dares imagine.

All of the above is of course just the tip of the iceberg, the "indirect" costs of gambling are another thing entirely - as you say, the time, lies, deceit, misery, mental health ..... it is huge, and it is impossible to measure.

I would never have realised this before my gambling days, but I really think the US have it right, gambling is more tightly regulated - online casinos are not allowed. I understand actual/real casinos must still be a problem and of course they have the gambling ********* (I used the word for a capital city that people make a pilgrimage to in some religions there, but its been filtered out as it is also the name of a Bingo chain !) that is Las Vegas, but Im sure their model most work better than ours in the UK. The abject misery of a nation could be radically reduced by tighter controls on the industry and the scrapping of online casinos. The latter particularly seems to be growing exponentially at the moment, the number of TV adverts, internet splash pages and ads, its simply everywhere - Casinos sponsoring mainstream TV shows (Big Brother for one).. it surely has to end somewhere.

Anyway. I must get on, I wish you and everyone else well and a gamble free end to the week and beyond.

FM.

Excellent post FM.

The ammount of gambling advertisements is horrendous, i remember counting them a few wks back at half time at a football match on sky. 7 adverts and i think 5 of them were gambling related. Staggering! Some big actors getting involved in them as well!

Recently see theyre stating "Please gamble responsibly" ha ha Im sure they really mean that!

I would love online gambling to be barred. Its far too easy to get sucked into. Agree the US of A got it right with that one!

I got an email from one a few wks ago a company which I self excluded from.

They basically said, Welcome back I hope your debt problems and gambling addiction has been sorted, and would love me back with a 200% welcome bonus! Lol madness , needless to say i replied with a short message involving harsh language.

Sigh, all this sh t should make us all more determined to beat this cr**.

Journal Day 37

Working from home today, getting stuff done - feeling tired but good. Resolve still strong, gambling still a thing of the past.

@Gav - Yup its nuts isnt it. When you actually stop and think about just the notion of an online casino sponsoring a major mainstream TV program..... how on earth does anyone in the regulatory bodies of the media accept that as "ok". It is madness.

Its the same if not worse abroad where I am working currently - they have more adverts, and what looks like our FOBTs type machines are everywhere - most bars have 1 to 4 of them - you have to own a credit card type ID to play them (and Ive never been tempted as Im not resident there) and the interface looks like you just transfer money like you would at an online casino. Can you imagine the damage that must be doing ? - drinking hard in a bar then having access to that, its up there with our worst sessions hidden away at home I guess.

Those same machines are in Corner shops, restaraunts and Some supermarkets over there. Its nuts.

Online Casinos are definitely the worst of the breed. That was definitely my downfall, and where things moved from bad but manageable to utterly out of control (its strange talking about this, I feel quite uncomfortable/guilty remembering these things and talking about my gambling - even now, do you still get that ?). I suppose the flip side to it is that had I not hit the online casinos and just gotten out of control I would have probably intermittently kept on with the FOBTs and service stations losing smaller amounts at a time but over a longer period - In some ways I think my experience with the online casinos has therefore stopped me gambling quicker (and who is to say i would ever have arrested the real life slot play habit) than I would have done had I not found online casinos.

Those emails are sh*tty tricks. I used to get one from a guy in the VIP team at one of the places I excluded from early on. He would always speak to me with concern and actually chatted to me about the odds and which slots he thought were worth playing, in a lot of cases he was saying its better not to bet at all - but then at the end of the email there was always a "well if you do fancy coming back Im sure I can put together a decent package for you as a valued VIP player" .... I once even tried to get around a transaction limit I had set for myself of 100 a week, and the guy obviously couldnt do it, but checked my account and said "youll be able to deposit again tomorrow but how about I just give you a 30 free credit to play with till then"... it is testament to how horribly we become addicted and how obviously the casinos know that we become addicted if any business is prepared to just hand out free money to its punters.

Ive had to send a couple of strongly worded emails to casinos much like you describe too. I have found that setting up email filters has meant I now dont see any of that though, which i like as I dont want to have to think about it. In my case it was more that the casinos i excluded from mostly didnt contact me but low and behold their "partner casinos" suddenly started getting in touch .....

Feckers !.

Anyway. Another day down, keep on keeping on everyone - have a great weekend if i dont catch up before then.

FM.