...

Thanks Ade,

Hi diary,

Ohhhh d**n.....f*****g hell, suddenly start suffering with those horrible urges....why are they so intense and suffocating?
Ok..i cannot allow myself temporary escape...i will not stop..i know i will not stop. So what's now?
Anger, confusion and this almighty force pushing me to go and self medicate.
Why oh why. f*****g hate this.
Life is so so...cmon Sandra it could be worse. Think of the emotions it brings you. Think of the day after. Do you want that? ...do you really? Is it worth it?
Bein selfish is easy, f**k the world attitude is also easy, cmon see sense in yourself..just for today. This minute. Don't give in, keep fighting and use rational thinking.

I will not stop...prospect of getting back to debt is unbearable.....so why i f****n want to gamble? why why why why!!!!!

I cannot win cause i cannot stop.
Thoughts are only thoughts, deal with them, turn it around...cmon ffs just put your focus on something else..don't do this to yourself..you're worth better things in life..

f**k!!!!!!

rant over..will b back diary...don't wonna give in..just not again..not today...i can push through it....cmon i can do it!

Hey S,

Come and join me on Klamms vessel, it's ok I have told him to slow down, as we blondes get seasick, that will blow those horrible thoughts into oblivion.

Stay strong girl, they will pass,

(((((Sandra)))))

Have already done my dippy bit today, so you will be quite safe now.xxx

Suzannexxxx

It sure is when it comes over strong, don't let it get in, I know it's easier said than done,

Take care of yourself, you matter sooo much more than that bloody addiction.

Suzanne xxxxx

You know that feeling?
When you are just waiting..
Waiting to get home and into your room
Close the door, fall into bed
And just let everything out that you have kept in all day
That feeling of both, relief and desperation.
Nothing is wrong
but nothing is right either.
And you're tired
Tired of everything and tired of nothing
And you just want someone to be there and tell you it's ok,but no one is going to be there and you know you have to be strong,
For yourself because no one can fix you
But you are tired of waiting
Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else
Tired of being strong
and for once you just want it to be easy,
To be simple...To be helped, to be saved
but you know you won't be.....
But you're still hoping and wishing
staying strong and fighting
With tears in your eyes, you're fighting..

"We have so many angels around us...not some strange angelic creatures that seem almost untouchable, but are more real than that. They are people who have tasted sorrow, who have felt pain, and in a way, that makes them capable of being an angel. In their darkest moments they have become strong."

Thank you all for your support GA's (guardian angels)
minute at a time...hour at a time.

S xxx

Hi Sandra,

Thanks for your post on my diary.

Hang in there hun! x

Keep strong and fight those urges. They sure are buggers when they come, but we both know where they can lead us don't we..........a one-way ticket to Debt and Despair Street, Loserville, Bankrupt Town, 1AM SK1NT.......

Keep posting if you need to, it helps at times like these.

Ade xxxx

P.s: No news on the project yet. Off to docs in the morning so get my sore knee checked out!!.....;0(

Hang in there Sandra, this is a hardcore attempt by demons that don't care about you to suck you back into their pit of despair! Your strength will make them weaker!

Run yourself a bath, jump in the shower, let the tears roll until you have none left if you need to because then maybe you will figure out how angry you are @ gambling to have done this to you & punish it by not giving in!

This will pass, I promise & you will be so incredibly proud of yourself as will we! Sleep tite!

Hi Sandra,

Thanks for your post.

Trying to work out what your naughty word was that they censored!!!! It's a bit like a game of Blankety Blank.......if you know what that is, showing my age now!!

Ade xxx

Thanks for dropping by, I did wonder if I'd ever posted to you before...@ least you have the blond excuse, I just have amnesia kicking in to go with my incontinence that Ade & somethingsgottagive (she'd get away with the word that you didn't 😉 I'm sure) have caused tonight! I'm so glad to see you posting positively again, you're not gonna let these demons beat you 🙂

I know you are going elsewhere for your medical advice but have you got proper inner soles? I paid about £90 a decade ago (when I was much younger & not quite so lazy) for some (I think they're called orthotics now & probably cost a lot more) mainly for shins splints but also dodgy knees & they really did do the trick! We should all hook up for parkrun sometime!

Thank you all for your kind and supportive comments dear soldiers.
Sometimes i forget how important this place is for my recovery.
I feel like i came out the other end today. Long road ahead, but i have more ammunition with me to face the challenges this journey throws at me 🙂

The weight has lifted..this is more than enough for me...just for today 🙂

Thanx again
Hugs all around
Stay safe all and keep fighting the good fight (it is possible to have smile on your face also while you slay that dragon 😉 )

Sandra xxx

Good for you Sandra xxxx

Morning S,

Sooo good to read this morning that you reached dry land safely, lol,

And you have learnt a new word lol, did not spell it properly I know, but you know my mob is rubbish for txts lol.

Proud of you girl, for riding stormy waters and coming through safe and sound,

Take care and stay safe,

Suzanne xxxx

Thanx all xxxx

Dear diary,

Keeping on my guard today cause still see this nasty habit hiding round the corner. Wasted more energy than i would of liked on those thoughts yesterday so today putting my action plan together and doing something useful instead of thinking about this addiction. I don't hate it, i respect it's strength, i know what it can do to us, but i am in control of my actions and have the last word in this battle. So, dear addiction - I'm sorry but i choose life today! And i will keep repeating this to your deaf ears for as long as i have to.

.....got surveyor round to check the house...ummmm....clear reality of getting into gear and searching for that new "box" to live in is surely kicking in...hey ho...I've got my car if it comes to it lol . Sounds like a plan - Sandra's 3 door Golf camper van 😀

Will not gamble today, gotta keep positive and not leave any gaps for my enemy to sneak in again.

Take care all and keep fighting the good fight!

Sandra xx

"You know that feeling?
When you are just waiting..
Waiting to get home and into your room
Close the door, fall into bed
And just let everything out that you have kept in all day
That feeling of both, relief and desperation.
Nothing is wrong
but nothing is right either.
And you're tired
Tired of everything and tired of nothing
And you just want someone to be there and tell you it's ok,but no one is going to be there and you know you have to be strong,
For yourself because no one can fix you
But you are tired of waiting
Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else
Tired of being strong
and for once you just want it to be easy,
To be simple...To be helped, to be saved
but you know you won't be.....
But you're still hoping and wishing
staying strong and fighting
With tears in your eyes, you're fighting.."

wow .

Just found your diary after you posted on mine. ( Thanks again for posting on mine. I appreciated your post and welcome you back there anytime. )I couldn't read all of yours LOL since it's 2000 posts long I cant do that much catching up I read the last couple though, and these words that I quoted especially hit home .

keep Fightin

let's help each other.

Jen. (JENILEE )

Hi Ya, just popping by to thank-you for last night...I am so impressed by your strength, managing to drag yourself up from the stormy waters to join the others picking on me 😉 Maybe you could use the sharp edges of your broken bank card (great decision under the circumstances) to gouge the wax out of Mr Gamble's ears?

It was wonderful to be part of something that made me so incredibly happy 🙂 I haven't had much experience of adult life outside of gambling & I am so angry that we were kept away from all this for so long by the addiction!

Think you could make a Golf sized 'camper van' real pretty but hopefully you are able to get a bigger box!

Keep choosing' No' ODAAT - June 😉