Hi Sandra,
Work is hard isn't it when all ya sometimes want to do is lie in bed and induge in addictive behaviours and avoid reality.
I luv the openness of your posts. Your doing mighty fine in my book.
Take care... S.A 🙂
x
Hello coo coo, thought it was about time I dropped in on your diary just so it doesn't feel abandoned & to remind you of the importance of it! Now you may not want me to read back to the start, I can assure you, I do not want to either but I have read & digested every single post since joining this forum plus goodness knows how many emails so I know the good, the bad & the ugly Sandra's plus all the other ones in between 🙂 Never be afraid of who you are because who you are is the person we could do without but wouldn't want to!
Tipu tapu my incredible friend & never give up giving up! You are beating this ODAAT & that's how we roll - Juuuuune
.
You ok?
Hi Dan..yea , all will b ok.
Catch you laters,keep on keeping on.
Same with Duncs and Suzanne, no worries at all here my friends...just a bad typo 🙂
((((HUGS))))) xxx
Hi Sandra,
Thanks again for your kind post the other day. I think I mistakenly replied to you on another thread?!...must have had a senior moment I guess! ;0)..
Keep fighting the fight......Recovery really is possible you know.....
Stay strong
Ade x
Hi Sandra,
I only read a short few words the rest had been deleted.
Sorry to hear about your mum. I know life becomes overwhelming for you & the only way you have learnt to deal with that pain is through addiction & self harm. I understand how difficult it is to stop using the one thing you know will make you feel better at least for a few hours as i too lived that way for the best part of 30 years. Stumbling from one crisis to another, afraid to reach out for help incase anyone got to close & saw me for what i beleived i was ( unworthy, useless, weak, dishonest, bitter & resentful).
There comes a time when we have to accept & surrender to the fact our way of controlling our emotions & the world around us doesnt work. That we must confront that which we have spent a lifetime denying.
My advise to you would be to say what you are most afraid to say. Stop wishing that your past was different or mistakes made by you or by others towards you didnt happen. Say the unsayable because once you have the only way is forwards.
Please dont edit your posts anymore, thats where this forum could really improve, real honest emotion instead of endless back slapping, half truths & lies.
Take a step into the unknown my friend, you never know you might like it there. You ever need to rant, cry, have someone hold your hand through the terror or even give you a hefty shove when your feet wont move you know where i am.
Dan x
ps on a lighter note the challenge is little bit against my recovery principles but i am going to bend them just for you & join on the condition over the time it runs you stop saying what you think people want to hear & start saying what you want to say....deal? x
Ok...firstly im 100% with the challenge cause i love it and believe in in every single member of it!
The ones who wants honesty...can i just remind all of you, this is the diary for good bad and the ugly..
So honesty..here we go.
How can you live in harmony with depression? Where s*** hits the roof and you don't see any positives in ur life...then it just drags you down day in day out and you have to get up to make an effort of bettering the world...when you live to work and being chucked in billion responsibilities only because ya had no balls saying NO. ..ppl see you as successful and " Can do - will do" person but they don't realise what tool it takes out of me!. I know I'm in the wrong place and that's the main drive pushing me to escape! f**k gambling..i am fighting this escape route....money helps, you gotta save..but when you don't know what you're saving for that makes another hurdle ahead. Maybe it's just me being this confused..and just maybe i am running away once again..i have been asking myself these last few days...alcohol/drugs or a bet?...i choose first, and even if it's not the way out, i would rather smoke my life away and stay isolated from the world (only functioning for work) than gamble. I know it's bad and illegal but i need something to escape. Fight it head on you might say..hmmm..i tried, i just go round in circles...I'm not string enough..Death is not the way forward obviously..too many ppl cares about me (ffs) but i need to escape myself and you like it or not...i will! Happy life is not for me - existence is the way forward.
No more fake masks...d**n....there is a category of people who don't go by the "book"..excuse me, but just maybe I'm one of them.
Will this lead a spiral down...hopefully not but dealing with life is bigger struggle for some than others.
It's not about gambling..it's about me!
There is a light at the end of the tunnel...somewhere..all who has loved ones, keep reaching for it...the ones who feels lonely - change is possible..never give up in believing in urselves!
On that note...i am closing this diary..near enough all emotions out..the ones who turned away, did the right thing..the ones who stays - have more than one challenge ahead.
Day at a time..no more editing.
S x
Don't close this Sesuo...It is here for you, good, bad & ugly! Just keep drinking bleugh & pushing forwards tipu tapu, you will find the path eventually!
Now thats a post that will help lots of people Sandra, identification with real feeling of how living with an addiction & depression can effect our lives. Please dont close your diary. You need it & it is an important jab in the ribs of those struggling to see past their financial situation.
Dan x
Hey Juune and Dan...
Sozz for making wrong impression..this is not the closure of the diary, just the last post for a time being..till i get myself sorted as a human being as all the rest on this earth!
Your comments went to my heart..and that says something for the starters.
One day at a time x
Hi Sandra
Nothing to add to the wise words already spoken
Just a big (((((((S)))))))))
Hug
Cheryl xxxxxxx
Thank you my dear honest friends 🙂
Dear diary,
So, day off and finally time to relax. Can't believe today nearly gone but here we go...cannot stop time and actually now noticing how important it is in our lives...
My little plan to spend weekend with little D didn't work as it should of so hopefully will enjoy his company tomorrow and go skating!!! Yup..already know it will be fun 🙂
Went through about 20 different emotions today (nothing new) but looking at positives: just passed my exam yesterday (thanks thanks..no need for applause lol), managed shift quite well (other departments was in a bigger mess lol), spoke to Dad and mummy...plus sister which i haven't seen for a month...
So it was not too bad day..a little up and down. This morning found out that my application for volunteering never been delivered so that peed me off a little...i noticed how i react and it played on my mind all morning..angry and sort of annoyed having to fill it all in again lol..hmmm..but it's something i want to do so will get on with it over the weekend. Also tried to work laptop out..it hardly breaths recently and i spend 3hrs trying to work out why its not connecting to the Internet..yup...nothing changed, except half of applications uninstalled in a process lol..plus it is nicely sitting on a driveway after a little flying lesson from bedroom (kidding kidding).
So yup..all that a little upset me and all i wanted is grab for a bottle..yea..not gambling but bottle which recently is a bigger fight than the first one.
..so i went for a run instead. 5 miles complete, all nice and calm and d**n..i do love music!it hives me energy! Found some old "ballads" on my phone which i nearly forgot lol..
Actually calming stuff....well, at least for me вє
No gambling, gonna crac k on with the challenge in a bit..so good to see so many names popping up! Proud of you all
Ohhh yea..nearly forgot..did anyone read that idiot's (excuse the language) post on overcoming!? Awful soul..so so sad to see huge arrogance in people. Decided against to replying...nobody would of understand anyway lol..everything would of been starred out..oopps вє
Take care all and keep up good work!
One day at a time...
My little tunes..have some relaxing time guys..weekend is urs to enjoy!
S x
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