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Hey Sandra, I'm currently mucking out a pony but just had to take time out to send you a hug.

For a man who wears women's clothes and lipstick that Ade fella talks a lot of sense 🙂 Listen to what he says, as he's spot on.

You absolutely have the strength to face this. You've coped with harder things in the past. When I used to ask all the what ifs my counsellor used to say what if it doesn't? It got a bit annoying, but she had a point. What if it doesn't all go wrong? What if they don't hold it against you? What if you find you're strong enough to cope with whatever they come back with?

Taking a step into the dark is scary but so is staying where you are. They may well view your past as an asset. I volunteer for Homestart and they were keen to have me in part because of all the difficult life experiences I'd had.

Enjoy Wales. Enjoy the freedom from being connected to Internet. Give yourself time to calm your mind. Oh, and don't try any of my dodgy moves such as hanging out of a window to try and get a signal!

Ok, I'm back to the poo now 🙂 LB x

Silly moo, I forgot the hug!!

((((((S)))))

Hi all,

Thank you all, your comments really touched my heart ☺
All is ok..my little break away gave me time to put everything into perspective and have a good think about things.
I am still in the battle field and have my apt next month which i guess will either see me through or not to the next stage. Gotta take it easy cause didn't do myself much favours two days ago...my wellbeing matters the most i guess.
Honesty - best policy, i hope they see through me.

No gambling.
One day at a time

((((((Hugs to all))))))))

S x

Hi Sandra
Yes am glad you can focus on you and yes your wellbeing is paramount. You are such a giving person and glad to see you are being kind to yourself
Take care and keep up your current mindset
Your freind always
Cheryl xxx

Awww, mate. You are going through some tough stuff!

I'm sorry for your pain. Reading along, it feels like that famous painting "the scream". I think still being here, putting one foot in front of the other, is unbelieveably strong and testament to your beautiful warrior spirit.

Love yourself, you do your best, and that is enough.

Soz not been about, mad busy with moving!

LOVE x

Hi Sandra... you are a strong person and you will continue to get through difficult times am sure.

As for medical questionnaires, I spoke with my doctor about these. He kind of implied that unless its really serious (such as that lorry driver in Glasgow who lost conciousness and ploughed into and killed those people) i'd be better off just ticking the NO box to depression etc. If you can function at work and get through, then why give yourself the added pressure of having whoever your applying to investigate your mental health. Whilst honesty is the best policy, perhaps you don't want to overdo it just because one maybe having a few difficult days. Maybe am wrong in what i think today... but there we go.

Well done on your gambling free time and thansk for your support... S.A 🙂

Hi all,

Thanks for your kind words and sorry i am not coming bk to you. I honestly feel quite flat and exhausted mentally. I will post for each and every one of you in near future.

Diary,

I dont know what's wrong with me and when i will feel better but each day seems more lower than the one b4. Breaks away doesn't do good for me as i find out myself.

Anyway... not much change over here, don't feel upbeat or whatever but ya know - f**k IT!
Off to see sister to give at least a little emotional support cause she got a little mentally scarred yesterday after having to deal with something owful.. she did well.....she is on valium today as a result! f****d up world for sure.

As of you dear addiction - you come any closer and i will rip ur head off!

Over and out ffs

Hey ((((((((((Sandra)))))))))),

Hope you had a great weekend and didn't dwell too much on the negatives. Try and love Sandra, she's actually a really lovely person you know!! ;0)

Was just wondering where abouts it is you're from? as I've never really been able to work that one out?!?! Must be my age or something!! I was just wondering, because I think Juuuuuune may be paying me a visit in the not too distant future and was wondering if you might be interested in taggging along?!......

I have 3 months off work so I could even stretch to doing you two muppets a bit of lunch if you like!! Or taking you both out somewhere nice along the river...... Just a thought, but like I say, not to sure what area you are in.

You can always contact Gamcare to get my e-mail, if you are remotely interested in this idea. If not, then that's no problem at all either.....

Keep strong

And look after your sister

Ade xxx

Ahhhh, thanks for your kind post Sandra.

Lithuania eh! Interesting!

I'm sure Juuuuune will be enough for me to handle in one go!! Can't have too many witches at once now can I!!

Glad to see you getting through recovery. Try not to be too hard on yourself. I know it's easier said than done. But you can do it can't you. In fact you are doing it, gradually.....day by day....

Keep it up hun

Take care

Ade xxx

Hey coo coo,

Thanks for dropping in 0))).

Wow girl you have been busy round the forum on your night shift 0)))) All or nothing is our coo coo, HDs

Great to see you posting again, distributing your caring support around the forum,

So sorry to read about your sisters experience, hun and yes it is a f****d up world at times, but it always has been, and I guess will always be 0((( at times.

That's why we must try and make the most of every day that we are in this crazy mixed up planet of ours.

Keep coo cooing and stay SAS

Blondieee xxx

Hey S

Horrible person!! Lol, take a proper look at yourself girl. Your clearly not a horrid person. Im sure you have done horrible things as we all have but no doubt they were just a knee j**k reaction to the pain & anger you felt at the time. The only person i have seen you not have compassion & empathy for is yourself. Cut yourself some slack. You dont have to be perfect, you dont have to get everything right & you are allowed to make mistakes.
Try & stop being impatient. Take pride in small improvements of your personal growth.

Two questions to ask yourself daily to improve self esteem slowly but surely.

Did i help another person today?

Did i contribute to harmony in my world today?

Try to answer these questions each day. If you can answer yes to both it may not mean life is perfect but you will have made progress. If the answer is no then nothing has changed that day but tomorrow is anothe opportunity to try again.

Dan x

Hi Sandra, how are you? Hope you are ok, please remember you are an amazing person and I will always be eternally grateful to you for reaching out to me when I first came on here and for your continued support during that time, I am sure there are a lot on here that feel the same too, you are so wise with your words and always know the right things to say. You take care my lovely, big hugs xxxxx

Just dropping by to clear up any confusion. It wasn't my poo that I was getting back to, it was the pony's! Dont want anyone thinking that I'm posting from the bog 🙂 The bath maybe, but never the bog!

Hope you're doing ok. It never ceases to amaze me that even when you're having a hard time of life, you're still there supporting other people and cheering them on. I wish you could see yourself how others see you. It's hard, really hard, to change the way we think about ourselves. It takes time, effort and continued practice. You've been listening to the voice inside your head for many years, but what that voice tells you and what is true in reality are very different things.Keep working on changing what that voice says about you. Start to see the good in yourself. Acknowledge your accomplishments, however small. Question what you're telling yourself. The horrible person that you say you are doesn't equate with the Sandra that I see on this site.

Take care. LifeBegins x

Good morning diary, and thank you all for your lovely posts ☺

Can't say things are spot on over here but life is life! Sadly i was drawn back into the demo games again yesterday and even if it makes me shiver thinking of it today, i have to admit i had some nasty intentions of depositing.
To be fair, i find it difficult to climb this recovery mountain this time round. I look back and remember my journey first time round, counting days and feeling achievement. This is quite opposite this time round and not sure why. I was asked if i like slots yesterday. Scary thing is i think i do!!!! Even if i knew I'm on demos, my heart skipped the beat few times. Sick....what i have noticed tho, is me changing into that "arrogant" Sandra. I guess we all been there, no feelings present, nobody around you exists and i even took it on the chin telling my mate i did that but had bloody smile on my face and viewed it as a joke...."nahh..i don't have a problem, it's only messing about". Yup, that heart becomes stone hard and i remember that feeling, that's then nobody else around matters! I am getting my fix and don't care of the consequences.
I guess i am also lacking the patience. Truly find it hard to keep putting that little aside each month for my "goal". I should count my blessings really, I'm not in debt, i have secured job, i "feel" healthy (except dropping weight recently 🙁 ) and i can afford food on the table. Could be worse,...and why i don't see it as something positive i don't know.
I suppose i put some unnecessary pressure on myself. I aknowledge that, but as Duncs said in our meeting - every time something good happens in your life you feel the need to ruin it and destroy it. I have to admit, I'm not used to "good" in my life, or is it just the way i view it?
I blow very little issues out of proportion i guess...but once again, things like your mum going nearly blind cause of diabetes and her health detoriating, sister dealing with emotional distress followed by crime happening in front of her is not little issues..

I suppose i just need to keep moving forwards, keep searching, forgiving myself and finding that road ahead. Work in progress!

Well, gotta go diary, long journey ahead plus a nightshift lined up tonight! Tell ya what, cannot bloody wait for 6am tom morning so i can get some zzzzzzzzz lol..counting down as from now 😉

Stay safe all, look after yourselves

S x

HICCUPS ohh

Of course not Aunty Sandra, :))), hiccup, lol.

Facebook is cruel sometimes, Hun, it brings family up when you are not prepared for it, so I will say HICUP again and a very good night to you little friend, ,:)))))

Xxxx