...

Hi all & thank you so much...I am a little in pieces reading this, tears won't stop flowing.

Sesuo, I don't have means of communication except this "gadged" which is just half alive, (more about it on LB diary).,..I wouldn't ignore you girl, ya know me :-)...besides, shoulder to shoulder gal, vice versa on ur thoughts (I am wrong....of course :-P)

Thank you LB, ..I did calm down (earlier), went to Sis to see her at work. Hell, it's been a while since I tried to impress her,,, just for once I wanted her to be proud of lil Sister, ..just this once...she looked surprised, I gave her the most beautiful flowers I seen around, I felt connection for that spare minute, even gave her a hug. I knew I can't attend her party on the weekend, my volunteering training comes first., she gets it 🙂 I think she gets how , uch it means to me .....that was the highlight of my day! The whole 20min lol (hmmm..sisters are sisters but they do get on ur t*** don't they lol)

Thank you GT and [email protected] are great supporters, great sense of inner philosophy and you always dig deep. That's amazing, that's inspiring....I thank you a lot.

Lastly, thanks Florence for our little "emergency" chat earlier on 🙂 ....needed that lil 'lol' after today and you perfectly delivered that. Now, as I said - you're free to run for the h iils from this character 🙂

Diary. No gambling. A little prayer to sleep tonight, that's all..the rest will come in due course.

Thank you all so much again, I feel at peace..just for now, I am taking it with both hands (good job Sesuo didn't snap the right one) and appreciating it here and now.

Take care alI. I might b wrong on my posts, but ...i am just honest human being, having to spit poison oyt instead of letting it feast inside this fragile body.

Respect, love

S x

Respect you my dear friend 🙂

As usual you no Eeeenglish has gotten my little phrase a bit confused so I'd just like to point out to no-one in particular that I had no intention of snapping your hand off even though that means something else altogether 😉

Good on you for raising a smile out of all that pain but please, no more flying lessons 😉

Don't let the bed bugs bite now!

Hi coo coo,:))))

Thanks for keeping in touch last week(, when I was in a world of my own so to speak) you jolted me back, just with your caring kind words. even though you were in a world of your own so ro speak:))

Have just read your last post, I hope you have now got that out of your system, that is what your diary is for, writing down your thoughts and feelings, you are not getting valuable quality sleep my little friend, not surprised you feel worn out :))

Worrying wears you out too, in some ways you remind me of my older son, you said to me last week, maybe he is being so negative, to help him cope, maybe you need to push these negatives through so you can cope, (ie your job)

My son thinks his future like you holds nothing, I told him to stop worrying about the future, it's today that counts( easier said than done I know)

You like my son do not like yourself, maybe it's time to look in that mirror now and see the real you, a kind, caring, attractive, young

woman, you have given so much support to others, it's time to accept you now, (hard I know) you think too much of how you think you should be, Sandra you are just fine as you are, Totally understand the reclusey bit and the want to numb out, I don't think there are many folks, who do not feel reclusey at times, or want to numb out at times, it's hard to socialise with family and friends when we don't understand why we dislike ourselves so much, it can be a big effort at times pretending to them that we are ok when we are not,

Maybe stop trying too hard now, no one is perfect it's an impossible mission, no one has a perfect life, that's not what is to be either

You have your new journey to start at the weekend, you will be fine, you may even make some new friends, this work can open up a new life for you S, and maybe you will be able to change your job direction, I believe in you, I know you are just stuck in a horrible rut, and I know this new work can help you get out of it,

You are too nice to others lol, but don't forget to be nice to you, you are sooo very much worth it, do what you want to do, (in moderation everything in moderation is a good key) I am work in progress at that one too :)))

Rambled enough, my thoughts are with you today, and I am sending you strong, positive, and happy thoughts

(((((SANDRA)))))

Sxxxxxxx

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GC - Thanks for giving me a chance to express myself again on this diary..feels like home ☺

Hello diary,

Long time no speak. Doing a little hmmmmmmm recently and just learned that i don't have to be down/low/depressed/anxious/tired or feel unworthy to go bk down gambling route.. i can feel happy and free to make that wrong choice :-/...so i did and so i accept once again I'm a compulsive gambler which will not get cured.. the question i asked myself million of times was "if" i relapse..such a scary thought!..now I'm asking myself "when". The thing is , this is my personal recovery and unfortunately i have no balls (I'm a lady lol) to commit to it 110%..i will never can! I moved from addiction to addiction all my life, i don't know how to live saint life without escape. I truly don't and dont think i would like that "new" me. Now, this addiction is damaging indeed...ohhh..the money you spend! Well..this is not about money...it's the mindfook i really detest. The tenner lost could of been for a bottle of wine (ohh..i had that one also if I'm honest) but i am not beating myself up for a bottle of wine. They are both "bad" .So how does it work? For me, the recovery I'm leading has to be "perfect"..it's in my mind & automatically i am putting this immence pressure on myself for not to succumb. Not sure if this makes sense but i prefer to think "when" instead of "if" and have a lilttle more breathing space in my life...yes, gambling damaged me further in the last 3 years, but i truly cannot compare the "damage" i had before i turned to escape routes...any routes to feel better with myself.

That's my thoughts. I am gonna try once again...but im not here for the success, I'm here to minimise hell in my life as much as possible...

...to be continued ☺

Life is ok if i let it be ok.

Day @ a time.

S x

Hi Sandra and its good to see you back with your original diary! 🙂

I left my original diary twice both times after gambling binges but I always went back. Its a sign of strength I think to tell ones story warts and all and keep it all in the same place. I have been both suicidal and really quite cheerful during the 8 years ive kept it. It shows in graphic detail my cycle of problem gambling. I couldn't imagine starting a new diary now. My life is what it is, day by day.

I understand what you say. I have perfectionist tendencies to. Always a work in progress. Trying not to be to hard on ourselves.

As you say, life is ok in the great scheme of things.

Take care... S.A 🙂

Welcome back Sesuo 🙂 I missed you, all of you!

A bit jumbled but that's another one of those positive posts that proves how far you have come...Not beating yourself up sure is progress! Not perfection but as you know, none of us are perfect - even those of us who think we come pretty close (halo) 😉

Good to see you back on your diary. I missed you! I think it was a good decision to close it and then reopen it. You could have gone through and deleted it which would have been a huge waste. You have it now to look back on and see the progress you've made...which helps on the days when it feels like we're not making any. You may go up and down, and even round and round, but you're here, accepting yourself warts and all and continually trying and that's what counts.

Mrs. Liberty x

Hope you're ok - in relative terms.

Take care,

CW

I'm sorry if you found my post hard to read. I'm sure that the relationship between me and my sister is very different to the one you have with yours. Alcoholism isn't the only difficult thing, but it is one of the biggest contributing factotrs.She has made some very poor choices along the way which have affected her children to the point that they feel abandonded by their own mother (they actually were at one point when they were children). That is a lot for them to bear and in turn I listen to their unhappiness and it breaks my heart. To feel unloved by their mother makes them question their worth...."if my own mum doesn't love me, or care enough to stop, then I must be unloveable". My sister says that she feels her children tolerate her rather than love her. Both sides want to be loved, but there's a chasm between them which right now seems unlikely to close anytime soon.

I don't know what your relationship is like with your sister. I doubt it is the same as I have with mine, but you will have your own unique set of family dynamics to contend with. Have you ever asked her what she thinks? Would you feel able to? Does she know how things are for you? Who knows what she would post if she was on here.Maybe she would say that she's proud of you for keeping getting back up and not giving up the fight. Maybe she would commend you for your honesty and for your ability to support others. Maybe she would just tell you she loves you and wants, more than anything in the world, for you to be happy and to have the life you deserve.

I see a lot of differences between you and my sister....the biggest being that at least you acknowledge you have a problem and are trying to do something about it. The similarity I see (and I hope this doesn't upset you) is that you are both lugging around a pandora's box of sh#te that neither of you have found a way to unpack. It must be a heavy load.

Take care.

LB x

I probably don't need to come out & say it but as your honoury Sesuo, I'm proud of you & as Pops says, we're all family here!

Thank you so much my lovely family ☺

So my day is nearing to the close and I'm thankful for little mercies as "calm" & "peace" today.
Been around the forum today and couldn't be the time better spend than on here!
A little 5miles run to clear the head further, visiting sister...even if only for a little while..doing shopping and just normal things people does made me feel a little more at ease.
I have mentioned in Toad's diary that my returning entry on my diary was full of resentments, frustration and anger. I know it read arrogance...that's what addiction tells me to put down...hmmmm....nonsense...so sorry about it.

Feeling pretty tired and even if i do nights and not a early night person...i feel like i might succeed in early night tonight...esp since i have something really important to look forward to tomorrow! Further education in this life..

I was gonna say, all i want is to grab a book i nearly finished and say night to all...however, i got some important steps to take and put a antigambling block on my device. ..i already thought about putting it off until Monday, ..but...tommorow is another day and i just don't know how it's gonna pan out (cannot trust myself)...so i can and will do it now..so i can wake up to a lot safer world tomorrow!

I shall apologise upfront if i cannot get online tho. Last blocking software played about with my apps and Internet...but i guess, i should put myself first and the security from evil is priority.

Have a good and safe evening all

Sandra x

4hrs later...block is on - block is off! :-0..really annoyed cause it's playing with everything in my phone 🙁
I am carrying on with self exclusions and hoping for the best. Tried to filter sites from my email but i guess the best case scenario is to change email address all together.

Grrrrrrr...no gambling today.
Downgrading in phone is not an option, i need internet for other more important stuff than gambling.
Willpower gotta do for now...& continued road on self exclusions.

Nite all.

night sandra - keep going and keep the faith

Hi S,

Good to see you posting on your diary again:))) and with POSITIVITy (my favourite word lol)

Well done my little friend for coming back.

Take care

Sxxxxxxxxx

Sandra,

A few more to add to your alter ego's

Sandra Tigger
Sandra Top lass
Sandra Never kind to herself.
Sandra Insomnia

Think if you put all these alter ego's together with others you mentioned equals a top, caring, human lass.

Take care