...

Hey coo coo, thanks for that inspiring song Hun, :)))

Let it go let it go lol, sure has put a smile on my face this morning 0))) lol

Have a great gambling free day

Blondieeeexxxx

Thanks for your support and understanding. I'm feeling ok at the moment. No more gambling and the bank card has been shredded again. I hear what you say about software and blocks, but when I had them before they kept popping up when the kids were using YouTube....given that I don't want to have to explain the whole CG thing to them, I'm not willing to use them. Being without my card should be enough though.

I'm standing tall again. Even after all the chocolate, I'm still ready to squat kick Mr.G if he comes calling 🙂

Thank you, lovely one. Hope you're ok.

LBx

Hi Sandra
Well done on 110 days away from the demon. I hope you are well and you certainly should be proud of yourself for your achievements.
Will miss our cakes and chats as no more nights for me unless I do overtime.
Take care my friend
Cheryl xxx

Hey & thank you all!!!

Dear diary,

Just the entry since my fone screen is going well purple :-0...don't think i will b able to use it for long lol.

Sooo...nearly 4 am and am wide awake, as every single day for the last 4 weeks. Something is bothering me and not sure what.

Maybe just the hours i do & it's hard to switch off.

Well, diary...don't wonna sound low but gotta keep it real (thanks Dan)
I no longer count days...why? Because i did so over a year ago just to go bk to day 1 number of times. I take my days individually now. I don't do demos anymore, there is no point. As Sis said - it only wakes up the demon inside.
I nearly commit coward way out about 4 times during this time, but something absolutely powerful guided me away from those thoughts. No...don't need to gamble to feel low as i said...i am concentrating on here and now, time helps. I know i am moving on...that's better than backwards huh.
I truly thought of all of you...don't think it's sad, but you guys are all i have except one 3D friend, parents and sister with lil boy. That's absolutely great with me because most of you became 3D friends anyway ☺.
Soon i will be starting my volunteering training. Hell..i simply cannot believe i am finally here!!!! Can i offer support? Can i help? Can i prove i am there "for real"? ..i will do that! My heart is only ticking for something in front of me and that's the dedication every1 is blessed to have! I am not concentrating on myself..i am doing so for others and that's where my heart is set for!

I want to thank many of you...mostly dear Rach, Shiny, Suzanne, Duncs, Dan, Ryan, Ade, SA, Judy, Juuunnnee (my beloved Sesuo :-P), Soulie, Irene, Castle, DF and many more! (Mrs Galaxy & Phoenix well included).. I also would like to thank Julie and Bob for their unconditional support last year. Hope you two are doing well in ur recoveries.

Not sure where this post is going lol..i just want to say, that no matter what life throws at you...you gotta keep fighting! For yourself mainly...i seem to find myself through others...and forgive me for being me!

Recovery is possible as dear Ade says...it is indeed and we all have that choice...what is urs for today?

Stay safe all..have that little hope, belief and self esteem left from horrible acts from addiction. We all have those rays of sun in us...let it shine...let it come out with full force because we are all worth better lives ahead and we all can do it!

...that is possible only by following the mantra -I will not gamble today!...we all know the drift ☺

Be real & be yourselves

Take care all...my phone is huge darkness now lol...man...what a painting to remember!

S x

Great strong post coo coo, you have summed it up very well :))).

Understand something bothering you but you don't know what lol:(((

You are doing simply amazing, proud of you,

Sxxxxxxx

PS hope you get your phone sorted Hun, take care and stay safe.

xxxxx

Hey lovely lady,

Thank you for checking up on me and offering your advice and support. I really do appreciate it. It's good to know there's people who care. Gambling isn't something I talk about to anyone outside of this forum ( I know I should!! I've been thinking about why I don't a lot lately, but I'll save that for my own diary 🙂 ). I get what you're saying about all the friends you've made on here. It amazes me that total strangers can reach out, give up their time and truly care about people that they've never met.

Great news about your volunteering. I'm sure you'll be a huge support to them. You've definitely got a lot of life experience to draw from and a kindness that runs through your core.

It's good to hear you sounding so positive. It makes my heart sink when I read about taking the cowards way out. But that's the past and like you say yourself, you're moving forwards which is a whole lot better than backwards! In the short time I've known you you seem to have come a long way.

Recovery is possible...you're proving that 🙂

LifeBegins x

Thank you ladies,

Dear diary. Nice and short since I hate typing on this thing lol (tab).

Feeling pretty exhausted today. Actually got peed off with phone situ yesterday, start fearing I missed something important and couldn't check it. Some more expenses on a way, due to go bk to work soon, pressure, stress....blah blah....all seen me succumbing to the let out of slots. It was a free money and I've spent on there good 7 hrs last night only briefly having a nap around 9am.

So, no cash spent on this habit but I was close, will I b bk on it today? Maybe, head is in a mess.

For now, another coffee, go see Sis for her birthday, ring parents and the rest of the day is unknown.

Once a gambler - always a gambler,,,, just a thought springing to mind

Take caea all

Sandra12 wrote:

Thank you ladies,

Dear diary. Nice and short since I hate typing on this thing lol (tab).

Feeling pretty exhausted today. Actually got peed off with phone situ yesterday, start fearing I missed something important and couldn't check it. Some more expenses on a way, due to go bk to work soon, pressure, stress....blah blah....all seen me succumbing to the let out of slots. It was a free money and I've spent on there good 7 hrs last night only briefly having a nap around 9am.

So, no cash spent on this habit but I was close, will I b bk on it today? Maybe, head is in a mess.

For now, another coffee, go see Sis for her birthday, ring parents and the rest of the day is unknown.

Once a gambler - always a gambler,,,, just a thought springing to mind

Take caea all

Once a gambler - always a recovering gambler i'd say

Tri x

Hey you,

It's a dip on the rollercoaster that's all. You'll be going up again soon enough. No great harm has been done but try your damndest not to go back on today. You're doing so well. Gambling won't make you feel any better...it'll only make things worse. What would you say to me or juuuunie or any of the other people on here if we were in your shoes? You'd tell us to resist, that it wouldn't do us any good and that we'd feel worse after.

It's good your going to see your Sis. Keep busy. Call someone. Watch a film. Go to bed if you have to. These feelings will pass. You just need to get through today and then see what tomorrow brings.

One day at a time. Keep strong.

LB x

Hi LB,

Thanks, I appreciate your words. Sitting here and crying cause have no energy for anything anymore. Hell I try so so hard to live normal life but it's not happening. I can't even hold basic job, what can I expect from the rest of my life. I didn't sleep at "human" time (night) for good 12 days now...and I was off last week :-/. This kills me and sends me bonkers. I simply have no energy anymore. I can't even go for a run, I will skip visit round sis today. Sure she is not missing a lot besides she had her prezzie last week, washing my hands off socialising just for today. ?..well, every day really lol.

Am not well physically/ emotionally. Am just a wreck, simple burden for other people. I read on here ppl don't like to see negative posts, well, if you see recovery as skippy fookity joy ride - you don't live recovery to the full I guess. Saying that, I've been there....flying high & loving every minute of it. Until I got too high to the sun and my wings well and truly burned. I can tell already that I'm not and never will b one of the fortune ppl abstaining & maintaining for life. You know why? I do not see happiness, I don't know what it is. I let myself down more than praise my achievements.

This is not saying I don't want to turn things around. I did try if I'm honest, it's not up to my strength to do so.

I am simply tired. Tired of trying if that makes sense. I spent on this forum nearly 3 years. Ohhhh.....what has changed? Yup, my finances are nice and tidy but what was happening with my head is hard to explain. My let out was taken away from me, of course...for my own wellbeing. I need to numb my feelings, I truly do. I don't think even ppl in recovery understands that, not even counsellor could get to grips of this.

You know what, dear LB, I guess time for me to move on from here. I am simply not ready to commit of letting go something so vital in my life. I will not come bk sobbing my eyes out if I slip, I think this forum is not for that.

As one of the great souls on here ,,,, I shall remove this diary from the siteand just maybe forget the pain it carries,,,, which deffo makes me look bk and see what a ******* person I am.

I dunno...................ffs.

Please do not reply to this, let it drift away at least,

I shall go for a run, visit Sis and ring parents.....hmmmmm, I am lying to myself here, I am not vonna do any of this, I shall just curl in a ball and feel sorry for myself until sun rises again.

Rant over

Sandra12 wrote:

Hi LB,

Thanks, I appreciate your words. Sitting here and crying cause have no energy for anything anymore. Hell I try so so hard to live normal life but it's not happening. I can't even hold basic job, what can I expect from the rest of my life. I didn't sleep at "human" time (night) for good 12 days now...and I was off last week :-/. This kills me and sends me bonkers. I simply have no energy anymore. I can't even go for a run, I will skip visit round sis today. Sure she is not missing a lot besides she had her prezzie last week, washing my hands off socialising just for today. ?..well, every day really lol.

Am not well physically/ emotionally. Am just a wreck, simple burden for other people. I read on here ppl don't like to see negative posts, well, if you see recovery as skippy fookity joy ride - you don't live recovery to the full I guess. Saying that, I've been there....flying high & loving every minute of it. Until I got too high to the sun and my wings well and truly burned. I can tell already that I'm not and never will b one of the fortune ppl abstaining & maintaining for life. You know why? I do not see happiness, I don't know what it is. I let myself down more than praise my achievements.

This is not saying I don't want to turn things around. I did try if I'm honest, it's not up to my strength to do so.

I am simply tired. Tired of trying if that makes sense. I spent on this forum nearly 3 years. Ohhhh.....what has changed? Yup, my finances are nice and tidy but what was happening with my head is hard to explain. My let out was taken away from me, of course...for my own wellbeing. I need to numb my feelings, I truly do. I don't think even ppl in recovery understands that, not even counsellor could get to grips of this.

You know what, dear LB, I guess time for me to move on from here. I am simply not ready to commit of letting go something so vital in my life. I will not come bk sobbing my eyes out if I slip, I think this forum is not for that.

As one of the great souls on here ,,,, I shall remove this diary from the siteand just maybe forget the pain it carries,,,, which deffo makes me look bk and see what a ******* person I am.

I dunno...................ffs.

Please do not reply to this, let it drift away at least,

I shall go for a run, visit Sis and ring parents.....hmmmmm, I am lying to myself here, I am not vonna do any of this, I shall just curl in a ball and feel sorry for myself until sun rises again.

Rant over

Hi Sandra

Do people always want positive posts? maybe but is that realistic? Are we all destined to have an easy path into abstinence or recovery? Not in my case Sandra.

Sometimes recovery is the most frustrating change i make but please hang in there.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

hugs tri (((sandra)))

Rant on for as long as you want to. For what it's worth, I don't think it's a rant. I think it's you expressing how you feel. I don't think posts are only meant to be positive. They're meant to be honest and truthful. Bloody hell, I'd have been kicked off ages ago if we're only allowed to do positive....half of mine are a cry fest.

You're having a poxy time. No proper sleep for 12 days will do that to a person. You're also experiencing all this raw emotion partly because you're not blocking it out with gambling. Learning to sit with and wait out these feelings is really, really hard. But you've done really, really hard things in the past and come through. Curl up in a ball if you need to. Do whatever it takes to keep you safe. Is your dear seuso free for a chat? Could you email someone you trust?

I know you said not to reply but I don't always do what I'm told. Sorry...I was worried about you x

Thanks for stopping by. Ok...deal. No worrying 🙂

Psycho? No way. Just someone in pain. Can't believe your tablet survived that though. If you'd dropped it by accident it would have smashed for sure! I remember a therapist telling me that smashing cauliflowers was a really therapeutic way to get out anger. Take one in the garden and knock the c**P out of it. Might want to do it once it's dark or the neighbours might get concerned 🙂

Good on you for phoning your Dad and going for a run. See...even in the midst of the storm you were able to take some positive action

LB x

Guessing your phone is well & truely up the swanny...Refuse to accept that you would be ignoring me (although I have considered that this is indeed a possibility)! I was gonna tell you that your entire post was poppycock but I know that it came from the heart so don't want to dismiss it. I do however want to tell you here & publicly that you couldn't be more wrong...You are one of the most important people in my life & if not my life, I may consider giving my right hand for you but I do not accept most of what you wrote! For a start, you do not have a basic job & last I heard, you weren't just holding it, you were covering people more senior to you & if I know you, doing that pretty well!

I know all about living like a vampire & it's soul destroying not to mention damaging...I don't have the answer to this but you don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure that 7 hours of 'free play' is not a solution!

A counsellor is not a mind reader & skeletons have been crawling out of your box since I met you...They may not understand, In fact they probably won't but they will know ways to help you manage those fears that keep you from sleep!

People don't come here looking for a type of post, they come here looking for truths & for everyone, recovery is different! For me, being 'clean' is a win everyday even when I'm balling my eyes out for no apparent reason! It may not be a skippity fookity joyride but it's not been made worse by the shame & disappointment of a gambling headache & I'm not gonna have to spend hours trying to figure out how to get my finances back on track!

So glad you didn't curl up into a tiny ball earlier & hope your evening is going ok. I know I'm biased but you are recovering, even though you hate yourself & berate everything you do, I don't...I am proud of every tipu tapu & I'm glad you're my Sesuo!

Hi S,

​I have a disease of perception. Therefore my most important tool in becoming well is to work on changing my perspective. Of myself firstly. From there I can change my perspective of the fears, angers and resentments I have carried through life that have fed my need to self harm in behaviors and substances. Once I begin the process of forgiving myself I can also begin to forgive others. As LB said how you feel today will pass, its temporary. Maybe not tomorrow,or next week or even next month, but it will pass. When it does the impossible will seem possible and the improbable, probable. These are the days to work on our perspective, and every little step forwards will make the distance between dark days longer. Dan x

​