...

Oh, you shared them? That's ok then, all is forgiven 🙂

Have a good Sunday.

LB x

Hi Sandra,

Keep taking them deep breaths as needed.

You are indeed a survivor! 🙂

By the way I went on a mad 12 mile run yesterday. I was so cold when i got back that i was still shivering when sitting in hot bath. I do feel good for having gone though.

Am thinking about you, right here, right now.

Take care... S.A 🙂

Thanks both ☺

Dear diary,

Nothing changes if nothing changes...wise words.
I do hate my job, it's like life on autopilot. It has drained me mentally, physically and emotionally. Can job do that? Can it actually make you sooo negative & depressed?. I think it can! It has suck the life out of me and made me this creature..ha...creature indeed.

Changes..

I just wish i could have better relationship with money....saving...saving...saving...so..hm, saving means existing, existing means no joy in life.
I hate when i cannot treat myself to anything. I simply don't know how...i don't want to, I'm too tired to be interested in that..might aswell shave my hair off cause f**k knows when i decide to "feel" ok to visit hairdressers lol...
I could treat my boy to something nice but my inspiration of even looking something up is somewhere up in space...i shall ask my sister (again) to find something what he likes..such a a*s*** aunty i am...bull..
So..is it work or is it saving saving saving f*****g my head up! Obvs no gambling at the min but i guess that's where my occasional "treats" are coming from :-/..

Bull...work is bull, saving is bull and life without enjoying it (or trying to find the way to enjoy it - bull also!)..so in conclusion -...need a change but that won't come cause...ohhh no..i need to save and get myself outtta this funk first..wonder how many more days i can take like that. By the time I'm happy with my savings i will be on the death bed through exhaustion with "blank" memories of f**k all.

Rant over, no gambling..just load of bull*** around!

AGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRR - get me outta here!

Peace out (angel face) 😉

What's wrong with a*****e aunty?

Ffs!!..BULL****

AAAAAgggg have just eaten a whole chocolate father christmas, swopping addictions yet again so putting back all the weight I lost. Lots of people struggling, bad time of year methinks, roll on spring and the sunshine. Keep fighting the bullcra.P it will pass. Hugs xxxx

Sandra,

Maybe time to come back to the living working world. Its hard to make connection with people and the world when both your body clocks at different times. I know in my rare ventures into working nights, that my diet gets worse than it is, i isolate more as people are asleep when i'm awake and then i become a real grey man in every sence of the world....

Its a toughie, but i'm sure you'll work it out and yes,a job can drain us mentally/ physically....

Now look into my eyes........................& stop thinking so much

If change was easy Sandra, then myself, DF and yourself wouldnt be posting at this hour.

Life can be a rut sometimes, infact i always carry the directions in my back pocket. We just hot to keep on pushing forward. Not that i pracyice it myself, i just know its the way forward.

Imagine your life as a line of energy, sometimes that line takes a detour, but it always gets back on track if you continue pushing....That amounts to the only answer ive got...

Chilly deserted beaches one of my favourite places in the world, memories of a wondeful holiday in Sligo in Ireland. I did night shifts for years when I started working with my crazy teenagers and suffer still with the physical and emotional damage of the past 20 years and that's after three months off work, don't think I will ever recover fully which is why I worry about SA doing the same sort of work and yourself struggling through the nights working with a******s. I am sure something brill will come up for you soon so enjoy the beach and speak soon xxx

https://youtu.be/qcjh1a9Yoao

...bang my head against the wall.....but i will rise above it all...

https://youtu.be/kuNXn4dMurU

No gambling so far...back to basics

Thanks V & DF for keeping me company last night ☺

S x

Hey S, deep breaths my little friend, change what you can, and just tiny small steps with the rest until you can make changes.

but always put yourself first, work wise, that job is not the b and end all, you are xxx

Sending you strong vibes

Sxxxxxx

Thank you S ☺

Dear diary,

A little hell last 48hrs but who am i to give up. Dear V, you're absolutely right, i do sound low and unfortunately many moons has passed since i jumped around like a tigger. I guess we change as time goes by.
I am not sure i should be on this forum. I had my doubts since last year, since something didn't "feel" right anymore. As you know i tried to pull bk by deleting my rants, blocking access to my diary, deleting the other one. I fully admit i have a gambling problem, that was the main drive for me to sign up. But i also know that it's only one of those escape routes.. i looked up AA, NA, sites for deep depression. Some of them i feel like i have common ground with, some - don't, it's all program based and I'm just a simple gal having issues with her mind/emotions. However, GC come the closest to "home"., maybe cauze i was made feel like home here ☺..thank you all.

I am not the "observer" and just like to be in thick of the events, but recently i seem to slip from interaction and not sure if it's good or not. My 3D life keeps throwing challenges at me, ..esp recently and there are only few ppl who i can open up to...just feel the issues is not to be shared for this forum even if it all connects with gambling.
I upset many people on here in my time, i guess i equally made others laugh also, maybe lacked of supporting and I'm sorry but the email addresses showing on my screen suggests that i made more friends than i could of asked for ☺...& very few enemies (ouch!)
I learned a lot from all of you dear friends. I agreed and disagreed, thrown a tantrum, apologised - did the same again. I cannot control my reactions to things sometimes. I am not judgemental person, i like open minds...i sometimes am jealous of most of you, having familes, loved ones, pets, life to lead and so on..but i also know that you all being here means it's not a sweet sailing at all. We're here for a reason and no matter how deep you dig in yourself - the outcome is clear, we all have addictive personalities no matter how bad/wrong we were treated in the past. Symptoms are clear to see, the need for escape and sometimes buzz is all person needs to get away form "themselves".
I have learned that my addictions is nothing to do with my past. I simply like the buzz, want to fit in, am lazy to make changes, am greedy for money ...

...what is important to remember, we have here and now. Maybe it's time to look around ourselves and start appreciating what we have. Bonus if you have loved one by your side lol, but if not - looking out the window and seing some sort of life, calm and unity around , is enough to make that first step for the day ☺

Today, i am thankful to come through last two days without hurting myself or more importantly others. (Not necessarily physically)
I am just thankfull that i can rest my head on that pillow and prepare myself for the next 24hrs at work ..could be worse, could have no job at all...we need work, we need to keep moving on no matter how damaging it can be, there is always a way out and doesn't have to stay this way.

Thanks for reading,
I will keep on surviving, same as all of us waking up for each day...that's enough, ...just being able to function as a part of community in this world.

Ms hope Sandra

((Sesuo))

#proudofyou

Hey, ms Hope,

Seems like you've been sitting with your thoughts and feelings. Not avoiding them or numbing them or running away. That's a hard thing to do, but it's a good thing too 🙂

I want to say something to help ease those feelings or cheer you up a bit, but I've got nothing so I'll send a hug too...

((((S))))

LB x