...

Lol Tri ☺..thank you!

Thanks all, and CW...you soo remind me of my Mummy - cold shoulder but a flicker of care all the way. Thank you so much for your post and i agree - no expectations of a quick fix here ☺..

Diary,

Mission for today accomplished. Not as impressive run (soo hard to run on the sand with wind pushing ya back...& the sea..booo..sooo dirty compare to lovely blue Cornwall waters)....but i did it & i got to my meeting too...win win ☺

Feel calm again lol...magic!.. starting to accept that i need to learn to live again..like a baby learns to walk - this is exactly the same. Learn about my behaviours, develop new outlook on life...work in progress for sure.

Touched a subject about sleep ( or lack of it) in the meeting..ha! Who would of thought (deffo not me) that all these addictions just limiting my Zzzzz quality and time. I was kinda in coma all the time...& that's huge difference from restful sleep. Can't wait till the morning so i get up with clear head ready to tackle another day!

I chose recovery, mainly cause i want to be a better person but most importantly - i want to live...& for me to achieve that i need to make the right choices each and every day, the only way is forward.

One day at a time - baby steps

Thank you all for your posts, i will get bk to you in time.

Hugs all around

HS

Pleased to hear you made the meeting, I've noticed a little pattern after you have been to your meeting you feel grey for 4 or 5 days then you seem to get a little anxious again, I know it's early and your doing great but it might be worth considering trying to squeeze another meeting in later in the week ti top up the good feeling you get.

KTF

Morning S , Glad to hear you felt a little better last night , tiredness can have a huge impact on how were feeling at times especially after the shifts you'd just worked ! .

Looking forward to your " chirpy " post's and I hope you have a great day hun !

Best wishes ..............Alan x

Thanks again for posting on my diary, i really do appreciate it, knowing were not alone, and theres help out there! and to simply start living life again!

hopeful soul wrote: Lol Tri ☺..thank you! Thanks all, and CW...you soo remind me of my Mummy - cold shoulder but a flicker of care all the way. Thank you so much for your post and i agree - no expectations of a quick fix here ☺.. Diary, Mission for today accomplished. Not as impressive run (soo hard to run on the sand with wind pushing ya back...& the sea..booo..sooo dirty compare to lovely blue Cornwall waters)....but i did it & i got to my meeting too...win win ☺ Feel calm again lol...magic!.. starting to accept that i need to learn to live again..like a baby learns to walk - this is exactly the same. Learn about my behaviours, develop new outlook on life...work in progress for sure. Touched a subject about sleep ( or lack of it) in the meeting..ha! Who would of thought (deffo not me) that all these addictions just limiting my Zzzzz quality and time. I was kinda in coma all the time...& that's huge difference from restful sleep. Can't wait till the morning so i get up with clear head ready to tackle another day! I chose recovery, mainly cause i want to be a better person but most importantly - i want to live...& for me to achieve that i need to make the right choices each and every day, the only way is forward. One day at a time - baby steps Thank you all for your posts, i will get bk to you in time. Hugs all around HS

Loved your post too. Its nice to share a bit of love with each other. thanks 🙂

Hey diary,

Well....3 years on GC! Sadly can't say 3 years g free :-(...but, what a journey! Ya know..i will take it - every single day i have spent on here has been significant in my journey.

I have learned a lot in my time on here..i found many friends i can trust and go to when needed. I found the honesty and determination..i shared good bad and the ugly....it doesn't matter it wasn't 100% successful gf time..i feel that i will get there eventually. (More than ever now i have more understanding and 3D support on addictions)..i Digged deep & oh boy, i was so concentrating on not gambling, i so easily drowned myself with good old bottle..took me 3 years to start the journey to true recovery...without the openness, honesty & making an action instead of empty words i would still be in danger i inflict on myself.

I dont expect miracles, i am listening and learning every day. Life is what we mk out of it huh
Peaceful clarity..ohh i love it! ..it's not you, John, Marie or Theresa...the beast living inside me and i am responsible for my actions and reactions to situations...now I realise that (better late than never huh).
I will get better and be a better person ☺...for me and all of you around me!

Thank you all for your time, input, support, understanding and believing in me ☺..

Thank you to those special people in my life who dragged me up in the hour of need - i wouldn't be here if not you.

Take care all, embrace recovery, it has a lot to give! Take it & share it !

Thank you GC for providing such platform for all of us, it is really appreciated.

S

Love it , love it , love it !!! . Soooooooooooooo much positivity oozing from you now girl , I don't know where it's all coming from S but it's making me very happy to see it , so thank you my darling !!.

I hate the fact that we fell out so much in my early days , niether I nor you can change the past but we can alter our future ,

It's a pleasure to be here with you S , take care and keep winning girl !!

Alan x

Flip your story is a mirror of mine , like you knocked the gambling only to replace that tenfold with booze! Like Alan says i love your positive mental attitude, can make such a big difference. Keep it up.

Hey lovely, Sorry it's taken me so long to reply to you. I have no idea where all my time is going ( How did I ever find the time to gamble?) but I really just don't seem to get half an hour to sit and post on here at the moment.

Anyhoo, just in case you haven't heard my whoops of joy while reading your latest posts, I thought I'd better stop by and say it instead. I am so delighted that you have found a way that works for you and you are embracing it. Taking those first steps can't have been easy but you did it, and you're continuing to do it....and it's making a difference. Yes, three years on here might seem like a long time but you've learnt a lot along the way. Even the not so good times will have provided a learning opportunity for you and will have helped you discover a little more about yourself. So, it's for the good. And you're young, so three years is just a little blip in all of the many years of a great life you have ahead of you.

I've been really touched to read your posts to gav and I'm sure it's helpful to him to know that someone else has walked that path. Honesty and openess are great qualities and you have those by the bucket load! Anyway, enough of all this nicey, nicey stuff! You're doing it girl, and I'm so glad you are.

LB x

Phew...thank you all

Dear diary,

Just woken up with panic/sweats and sick feeling..bad dream :-/...but, I'm awake so it was just a dream! ..I'll take it!

Proper struggle yesterday with both addictions. Rational thinking says it's cauze of tiredness, getting paid and getting annoyed that i have nothing to do with my day :-/ old good loneliness line i seem to reapeat on here huh
Anyway, what addictions told me:
You don't need your rooms
You don't need to stay "good"
You are sick of tea & coffee
You are useless and will never be happy..i am your happiness..
you don't need your friends 🙁
You might win a pot of gold
You may want to sleep peacefully after a few today... you deserve them!

Bull bull bull for sure.
I didn't do anything stupid. I transferred my dosh to savings account instead...went for a run, did shopping & had x3 cups of teas (they do make me feel sick now lol)...but most importantly - i looked in the mirror and seen the person i recognised ..thought about the feeling next day and urges lessened cause I dont want to feel the aftermath again.

However, i pushed my friend to the side . Again, my coping mechanism is poor and this is my side of isolation :-(...again..I'm sorry if i hurt you by my actions, i guess i wanted to run from myself not knowing where to be honest & didnt want to hurt you by my moods..
I noticed i have anger..still..lol..it's like crazy cycle here with me huh. I thought i learned something in my rooms..but maybe i need to dig deeper...a lot deeper.. panic & unsettled feeling is back. Trying to breathe in & out didn't help at all..
I reached out to AA soldier on the most hardest time yesterday, where i was crying for my addictions...shameful for sure but here we go..i wanted them but couldn't have :-/..anyway..still waiting for the reply (8hrs) lol...i have another 20 numbers i could use but there is something with some souls i get connected..poor excuse really...i know..

Sooo...all in all - I'm safe! Yesterday's saviours was music & my car! I find peace driving and listening to the music..aknowledging my surroundings too ☺...

Miss parents...but every passing day is getting me closer to hug them... love you both greatly!

Right, maybe try for more Zzzzzz, busy day awaits tommorow & even if I'm back to square 1 re socialising, i will mk the most out of it! Same as my sister lol knowing i just got paid..bless her cotton socks!

Later diary..good to talk as always.

One min at a time

So diary,

An amazing weekend spent with Sister and lil boy. Plenty of laughter, food, joy and places seen.
Obvs that wasn't enough for my destructive personality. Some cloud was present all the time. Drifting away...coming back to reality.
Both days gone back to the open hands of addiction. Did i feel it coming - yes. Did i do something about it?..yes...i think so...i shout for help but it wasn't answered...but again, sometimes shouting is not enough, proper action to stay safe is necessary.

So now I'm back to the start..an amazing mindfook i would never wish for anyone. Not much financial damage done...not much booze consumed but it did a trick nevertheless.
Only now getting my senses back. ..again..how many times i can repeat the same poor decisions? How many times can i stand bk up and fight.
Actually it is very true. Each and every time you fall, brings more destruction on the way...i wouldn't wish it for anyone..it hurts...only cause i made wrong choices.
Running away seems the only option at the time but what it actually does is catches up with you...lol..yes, it does and then you're in for a good old beating.

It's nobody elses fault i fail to deal with my emotional triggers. There were plenty recently.

I quite liked my "sobriety"..weird and new sensations of clarity and calm..worth giving a go if you find yourself struggling.

For now, my recovery is over. I failed too many times to stand bk up.. i have no fight left in me.

If you think that simple gamble can solve your problems - wrong. They won't, they will only add on to them.

I guess i best move on, hand in hand with these so i can feel nothing again.
And that's my story dear diary.

I met many friends on here. It's true what I've been told once - recovering addicts are the most honest people you could meet.

I thank you all for your time, truly appreciated.

This diary of failure going down for good now.
I surrender & i have to go & figure this out by myself. ..if I'm lucky i will mk it to work at some point too..but hell, the devil is suggesting otherwise.

Muddled thoughts but most of you will understand.

Stay safe..fight for your lives however pointless you think they are

Over and out..thank you.

Hey Sis,

You sound like you're feeling sh ( pause) it. We should just be able to say sh(pause)it... It's a good word. Anyway.. Many times I had wanted to ditch my diary and it was you who reminded me I was worth it. Holiday weekends even with people we love could wind up as triggers of sorts. I'm not gonna shovel you a load here. Just letting you know i'm here and listening. For me addiction has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I'm still here and telling the tale. For me recovery is all about not giving up giving up whatever it is that has got us at the moment. Now I'm just babbling but you know what I mean..

Thanks Sis..

Didn't intend to ask for support. Just had initial reaction to emotions...saying that, i held them in for too long so it had to come out at some point.

See it as v negative post. Newcomers and every1 else, please look at it as the example where you don't want to get. It's destroying mindset...it really is.

There is hope out there. There are many many people successfully arresting the addiction, claiming their life back and enjoying it! I guess i just wanted to say - you have a choice....please make the right one!

Me is not looking for addictions, actually feeling physically sick thinking of them, just want to curl up in a ball...& drift to sleep or peaceful mindset...

Look at me trying to sound all positive! Just saying please keep fighting and fighting and fighting till you drop..you might find what you're looking for in the process.

Take care all...Recovery IS possible...embrace it and don't turn bk.

Yes, well, the addict "What's the point?" thinking tells you that you don't have to bother with recovery, far too much trouble, just use instead. As AA will tell only be too pleased to tell you, your thinking presently stinks.

Go back to meetings, Sandra. For you.

CW

Come on Sandra you've been here before and picked yourself up but this time you have another tool in your toolkit.get back to the rooms.

Walking back into this rooms must be hard after a slip a relapse a f**k up what ever you want to call it. I've not had to do it and will keep doing all in my power not to

I imagine it's harder than making that first step into the rooms after you have gone of track but go back to the post after your first meeting and remember that buzz you got.

I've been to my meeting tonight and sat opposite a bloke who beamed with pride at say he had been 2 years gamble free and as the longer guys congratulated him they spoke of the previous 3 years when every few weeks he was coming in and declaring he had had a bet but he never gave up kept coming learning a bit more each time a few nuggets of advice and experience sunk in and the time between bets grew and on 2 weeks his sons and brother will be coming to watch him get his 2 year pin and see how far he has come.

Don't give up as you even said -

I quite liked my "sobriety"..weird and new sensations of clarity and calm..worth giving a go if you find yourself struggling.

Take your own advice it's good advice.

KTF I will in you but only if you do.