...

Thanks guys & gals,

Ha! Fly high and fall low..that's my thoughts today. No meetings for 0700...neither I'm crazy enough to ring sponsor at this time of the morning.
HALT playing great part in me understanding myself now..Hungry - a little, Angry - a little, Lonely - yup but company is not something i would like at the mo, Tired - yes yes yes...i guess i see few triggers here.
Not sure if to find it strange but i never go through my own posts, my own words freaks me out & i don't like to read them (weirdo lol)....let alone my diary...just recently braved myself to read a little about my own journey on here...3 years..long and not so much (depends from which angle ya look at it).
Few negatives & positives.
3 years -....changes & not so much:
• same job (same shift)
• same car
• one house move (renting ongoing)
• more savings
• one more cat (have two)
• 3 months online management courses
• 3 months volunteering courses
• 24 sessions of counselling
• more coffee
• more f**s
• more alcohol (being addressed recently)
• loads of painful slips
• 1 failed relationship (what was i thinking!..lol..cant even call it that)
• 4 holiday (5 days bk home, 2 days bk home, 3 days Wales, 2 days Cornwall)
• fitness - longer & often runs
• 3x festivals
• 2x different types of antidepressants
• 6 -7 job interviews
• 1 dodgy knee (can't help aging)
• at least 2 fall outs on here (serious ones)
• around 20 books read
• 4 amazing cyber friends from here met in 3D
• found long lost Sesuo
• 3x meetings in the rooms (one was a good year ago..didn't stick to it)
• 3x birthdays celebrated (not gonna happen this year huh lol)
• 4x serious attempts of.....dark thoughts
• 1x seriously inspiring awakening
• around one year of tears (collectively)
• around 4months of laughs (collectively)
• 5x high fives (can't push it 😉 )
• 1x night out ending in me being dragged around by my blond locks (d**n...no wonder i gave up clubbing :-/)
• thousands of miles driven around UK
• countless mood swings
• .....

Ohhhhh..diary, i have bored myself to sleep now..how great that feels is amazing!
Felt a little low at work, but what I should never ever expect is a recovery as a plain sailing. Never was and never will be! I will just take what i have now...i have my sanity & hope..that's more than plenty for me to keep holding onto jyst for today!

Nitey nite diary! OMAAT

I Like the list.

The fact that youve written down the good the bad and everything.

Good way to reflect on how life has actually been

Ive never been a list person.

I think it might help me.

Being the day dreamer that i am.

Like you say

We keep holding on to hope.

... S.A 🙂

Thanks SA,

Dear diary,

Hmmm..what a week. Most amazing experience lived to the full on Saturday i cannot put into words. Standing united with thousands of people, putting foot in front of another for an amazing cause..glad i completed the marathon, thanks to Sesuo walking beside me (ok ok..maybe getting in front now and again) all the way!..thank you for such opportunity to live life on its terms ☺..we f*****g made it!! Proud proud proud!!!!!!!

Ok..that's shared, now bk to basics lol.
My mindset and outlook on myself is still very complicated. Had few s**t days at work. Some decisions been made and ..ohhh..gues..poor poor self centred me thinks i don't deserve what i got lol..i think i am standing up for myself, which i do..just not sure if this is the right decision..but maybe i want to look after my wellbeing more (finally) and some steps must b made towards it.
Anyway..got really stressed out due to this and self beating started. Couldn't find peace anywhere i looked..tried to hide, rage, drink myself stupid...run...& expect to come bk and see changes for the better...hmmm..miracles happens but they have to be a lil more realistic huh ☺
Sooo...drowned in self pitty, ..kept low and expected to lay and die..(as you do when things gets tough)..however...i knew i can help myself if i wanted to..but i didn't want to :-/..dilemma huh..
Some more tough love from Sesuo recently and made last minute decision to get to the meeting..car took the beating..i admit..rage driving is not for me, but felt v angry,..prob tired, hungry & lonely once again..lol..HALT!..
Hell that was the last place i wanted to go but deep down i still have hope..i know i need to do the hard job to get better..nothing changes if nothing changes..reached the destination in the pool of tears (self pitty, anger)...but i made it.
Good meeting..really good meeting..once again glad i came. Magic feeling seems to wear off in a week...put few down days on top and BOOM..failure is just round the corner,rubbing it's hands and getting ready to pounce!

It was good to listen..didn't speak..(too busy crying). What hit the nerve on the last sharing & i mean proper sobs and tears, is finally realising that i do so much damage to me & around me..my head is still v much messed up...confused, lost...i am clearly struggling with acceptance and can't find MY way forward...but i know it's out there somewhere ..i just know ☺..
I always thought that my actions doesn't affect others..f**k meeee..howwww wrong!!..why i don't see sister or lil boy often? Why i dont phone parents regulary? Cause I'm f****d up big style. I think i don't hurt them...but i don't make relationships any better by hiding away and dancing with mr A or Mr G!...i hurt myself big time and start visualising that nobody cares and so it be...reality is oposite - i already pushed them away and keeping a distance between us, i dont know what my loved ones thinks...but they don't know for sure how much i need them more than i ever showed or told them!....what if something happens to them? What if i have lost all this time where i could spend in their company gonna haunt me down later..the smallest act of care & compassion..simple phone call/ text just to let them know i am thinking about them..(i do a lot) just so i can plan to spend few hours with them...so i can smile again and appreciate those moments.
f****d up mind works in many strange ways..it separates you from reality..it leaves you isolated and closed down, self pittying, hating the world and asking - why me!?..GOD..w*f? if i choose to sit and isolate, why i keep expecting different outcome?..it won't happen..work needs to be done for changes to happen...your work, family life, love life is S***e - do something about it!!!..just do something about and don't turn to an easy way out...it will backfire 100 times worse..it will ruin you and the climb back to life will only get harder..

Well..a lil rant..but relieving rant ☺..i raise my lovely MC D's Cappuccino to all of you who suffering with your addictions & fighting the good fight - one day at a time..there is no final destination...recovery is here and now. Take it - embrace it ☺..it's never to late

S x

Morning Sis ( it is morning here),

"recovery is here and now". Yes. I'm off to the doc in a few so, thoughts are mostly self centered at the moment but read your last post and wanted to tell you again how proud I am to walk beside you and to thank you again for being such a good friend. -joanxxx

hopeful soul wrote: Thanks SA, Dear diary, Hmmm..what a week. Most amazing experience lived to the full on Saturday i cannot put into words. Standing united with thousands of people, putting foot in front of another for an amazing cause..glad i completed the marathon, thanks to Sesuo walking beside me (ok ok..maybe getting in front now and again) all the way!..thank you for such opportunity to live life on its terms ☺..we f*****g made it!! Proud proud proud!!!!!!! Ok..that's shared, now bk to basics lol. My mindset and outlook on myself is still very complicated. Had few s**t days at work. Some decisions been made and ..ohhh..gues..poor poor self centred me thinks i don't deserve what i got lol..i think i am standing up for myself, which i do..just not sure if this is the right decision..but maybe i want to look after my wellbeing more (finally) and some steps must b made towards it. Anyway..got really stressed out due to this and self beating started. Couldn't find peace anywhere i looked..tried to hide, rage, drink myself stupid...run...& expect to come bk and see changes for the better...hmmm..miracles happens but they have to be a lil more realistic huh ☺ Sooo...drowned in self pitty, ..kept low and expected to lay and die..(as you do when things gets tough)..however...i knew i can help myself if i wanted to..but i didn't want to :-/..dilemma huh.. Some more tough love from Sesuo recently and made last minute decision to get to the meeting..car took the beating..i admit..rage driving is not for me, but felt v angry,..prob tired, hungry & lonely once again..lol..HALT!.. Hell that was the last place i wanted to go but deep down i still have hope..i know i need to do the hard job to get better..nothing changes if nothing changes..reached the destination in the pool of tears (self pitty, anger)...but i made it. Good meeting..really good meeting..once again glad i came. Magic feeling seems to wear off in a week...put few down days on top and BOOM..failure is just round the corner,rubbing it's hands and getting ready to pounce! It was good to listen..didn't speak..(too busy crying). What hit the nerve on the last sharing & i mean proper sobs and tears, is finally realising that i do so much damage to me & around me..my head is still v much messed up...confused, lost...i am clearly struggling with acceptance and can't find MY way forward...but i know it's out there somewhere ..i just know ☺.. I always thought that my actions doesn't affect others..f**k meeee..howwww wrong!!..why i don't see sister or lil boy often? Why i dont phone parents regulary? Cause I'm f****d up big style. I think i don't hurt them...but i don't make relationships any better by hiding away and dancing with mr A or Mr G!...i hurt myself big time and start visualising that nobody cares and so it be...reality is oposite - i already pushed them away and keeping a distance between us, i dont know what my loved ones thinks...but they don't know for sure how much i need them more than i ever showed or told them!....what if something happens to them? What if i have lost all this time where i could spend in their company gonna haunt me down later..the smallest act of care & compassion..simple phone call/ text just to let them know i am thinking about them..(i do a lot) just so i can plan to spend few hours with them...so i can smile again and appreciate those moments. f****d up mind works in many strange ways..it separates you from reality..it leaves you isolated and closed down, self pittying, hating the world and asking - why me!?..GOD..w*f? if i choose to sit and isolate, why i keep expecting different outcome?..it won't happen..work needs to be done for changes to happen...your work, family life, love life is S***e - do something about it!!!..just do something about and don't turn to an easy way out...it will backfire 100 times worse..it will ruin you and the climb back to life will only get harder.. Well..a lil rant..but relieving rant ☺..i raise my lovely MC D's Cappuccino to all of you who suffering with your addictions & fighting the good fight - one day at a time..there is no final destination...recovery is here and now. Take it - embrace it ☺..it's never to late S x

Hi Sandra, Nice post. Lots of honesty in there. Keep battling and know your not alone 🙂 Tri

Hi S , Some good honest reading there , think about making the first move and pick up the phone , if not a call then just a txt , maybe the first move forward of many Hun ? .

Look after yourself S !

Alan x

Dead right there S, it's never too late to do anything, all is needed is small steps forwards, :))

Great post from the heart,

Sxxxxxxx

Hey girl great stuff on the marathon. You did brill.... its a big acheivment. Something to be proud of and boost the self-esteem 🙂

As for the rest of your post. I totally get it. I used to think that because I hid away with Mr G and other escapisms that i wasn't affecting anyone else. Well its not true is it. I have family who have to worry about me and what I am up to and whether i'm about to do something really daft to myself. They have to watch on at a distance as i periodically self-destruct. Like you suggest all they really want is for me to happy and let them know with a call a text a letter a visit... smoke signals..anything! But as you suggest when in the grips of Mr G and friends, all we want to do is hide away and avoid human contact... well thats me anyway.

Keep fighting the good fight as i do the same. If you can run a marathon you can do anything.

Take care... S.A 🙂

WOW ! S , What a difference a day makes eh , I'm really pleased that you found the courage to give your loved ones a call , sometimes one single thing can make all the difference to how we veiw life and things just carry on falling into place ! .

Keep on doing what your doing coz somethings working Hun !

Best wishes Alan x

Thanks all,

Dear diary,

Struggling already...lol..
Trying to work out my mindset..job is done and I'm free for two days! So why?..why i feel so deflated & "considering" relaxation alternatives..bahh...i just really hope it all will become easier as time pass by,..i know it will..just need to concentrate on here and now.

Got to ring bk about the job i applied for..now - what am i waiting for? It could as well be my ticket away from current stressful & demanding job..new place, relocation, new start...C'mon Sandra - ring bk!!

Sun is up...action plan to occupy myself for the day:
Another coffee
Get into gym gear & go for a run on the shore (yeah man...for the first time I'm planning to tk myself to the seaside for such activity and really hope i can fulfil my need of freedom & fresh air & good excercise.)
Meeting later on..hmmm...my addictions protesting already but what the hell - i need my medicine and i shall pick it up later on.
An hour or two of mindfulness..maybe even draw a little, helped the other day to stay "in the moment".
Early night & hopefully some plans for tommorow.

Feeling lonely but saying that - you don't have to feel lonely in ur own company. There is more to this...there is a mindset where i stop myself in my tracks.

Not today - i can make something out of my day off without a single tear shed away....hahahhahha...too late for that lol..but i shall try again 😉

Later diary, will update on my points raised later on..i hope they will come into action pretty soon.

OMAAT.
No gambling

HS

Get yourself to the meeting every week you have had these thoughts and every week you have pushed yourself to go and come out delighted you made the effort to go.

KTF

Many thanks for your post on my diary, keep fighting the fight!

Hey S , Look back at your happy and positive post's from last week , you sounded happy and full of optimism for the future , talking with your family brought you joy , those meetings allowed you to shine through and live once again , the way you should be living , Happy and content .

Stay focused and take all life is offering to you !

Stay well and stay safe S !

Alan x

Hi, Sandra,

During the training courses that we attend in my line of work, we're told over and over that we're hopeless at managing people's expectations, so don't expect too much from this post. But maybe expectations are the key to your present discomfort? It's no good expecting too much from a few decent meetings. Nothing's instant, improvements will come but slowly, over time and in that time you will be up and down. The meetings have been compared to a dose of medicine, enough to see you through to the next dose but not a cure. Keep with it.

Stay safe and look after yourself.

CW

hopeful soul wrote: Thanks all, Dear diary, Struggling already...lol.. Trying to work out my mindset..job is done and I'm free for two days! So why?..why i feel so deflated & "considering" relaxation alternatives..bahh...i just really hope it all will become easier as time pass by,..i know it will..just need to concentrate on here and now. Got to ring bk about the job i applied for..now - what am i waiting for? It could as well be my ticket away from current stressful & demanding job..new place, relocation, new start...C'mon Sandra - ring bk!! Sun is up...action plan to occupy myself for the day: Another coffee Get into gym gear & go for a run on the shore (yeah man...for the first time I'm planning to tk myself to the seaside for such activity and really hope i can fulfil my need of freedom & fresh air & good excercise.) Meeting later on..hmmm...my addictions protesting already but what the hell - i need my medicine and i shall pick it up later on. An hour or two of mindfulness..maybe even draw a little, helped the other day to stay "in the moment". Early night & hopefully some plans for tommorow. Feeling lonely but saying that - you don't have to feel lonely in ur own company. There is more to this...there is a mindset where i stop myself in my tracks. Not today - i can make something out of my day off without a single tear shed away....hahahhahha...too late for that lol..but i shall try again 😉 Later diary, will update on my points raised later on..i hope they will come into action pretty soon. OMAAT. No gambling HS

Never forget Sandra, you are NOT alone. You've got your Gamcare posse on your tail. 🙂