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Hi Sandra

Life is asking you a question. You've reached a fork in your life with two different paths you can take.

One is the same road you've been on for a long time, which offers short cuts but keeps you going round in circles.

The other path has now been lit up, by your experiencing AA. It's a journey into the unknown which will take you out of your comfort zone, the comfort zone which keeps you trapped, and let you start living the life you want to lead.

By impulse you've reached out for the short cut - old habits die hard. Beating yourself up or giving up is just more short cut taking. The other way, with AA, is clearer now and won't go away so you might as well get back on that path right away : )

Louis

Hi Golfball,

Thanks for dropping by my diary with your supportive post hun.

Hang in there, as you rightly say....Recovery IS possible ;0)

Take care

Ade x

Thanks all ☺

This diary is staying on a lil longer cause i have too much respect for all of you to take your words/time/wisdom off this board...that's what i think anyway..d**n you lovely lot 😉 ...thanks for everything any way...

Diary,

Why i type..oh hell..why not! I am always a little outta place anyway.
So....hmm..work done and dusted, day started well..a lot of things (emails/phone calls) sorted...phew...Dad had his tests...now...i was laughing & shouting at him & @ the whole NHS system over there!..they did the wrong test!!! Not for guts (or whatever you call it) but something with upper stomach space..useless!!!! He has to wait a lil longer now cause of this...my lovely Hero...my lovely Dad...i can only pray for you to be well...you have to be...simply have to!!!

Anyway...wow...tears huh..
Volunteering sorted so hopefully bk on track. Jobs interviews sorted too....good...i can wait. Even had time to sign up on dating site hahaahaha...i know lol..

Day didn't progress too well. Had my usual slips and so on. Savings acc is in danger now. I start taking outta it...money .. - yes, it plays a part now. I am i danger.

Addictions have me chewed..yup..properly now & i let them..what next?
I told Dan last night how i cannot understand of the determination and strength in human being..how long can it last for?..
Something is there...that clarity still visible...very good cause that's the only thing i have.

I pushed you all away..here & outside here...by choice cause that's what addicts do..they think they can sort it out..LOL..aha..yup we can.

That's my day! Up & down.. gotta go and see some v important ppl tom due to my volunteering...ohhhh s**t...i shall handle it!

Thanks for your kind words all, but nothing gets done yet...CW...ouch!!!! But i deserve it ☺..beat me senseless cause that's might b the wake up call i need...

Love to all.

Peace out

Hi, Sandra,

Belated thanks for your post. Glad to see the picture has changed, didn't like the last one. It was a bit too close to the truth.

Hope you do go back to meetings if you haven't already.

Take care,

CW

Hi diary,

Thanks CW...some more time required till i can communicate back as human being in recovery..not yet..patience pls ☺

So..busy weekend with v little sleep and a lot of stress/tiredness. But i made it..no gambling or other vices consumed & even if thought is there (for the latter), nothing will happen today.
Got little journey with my lil boy & as soon as I'm back home (that's 15mins journey by the way lol) i shall hit the land of nod!
Still feel ripples since last week but...nothing i can do now. My own fault. Punished myself with hard graft (working for free as i put it lol) + 8 miles running in the heat today so i guess that will do for now...no more punishment. Something to eat is on agenda some time in between and as i said Zzzzzzz...jeezzz all red flags waving this way and HALT is truly something i need to work on a lot harder..but at least i know that...that's a start!

Over and out and leave ya lovely ppl at peace.

Ohhhh.....some tunes but excuse for the language...it only means something for me and i shall sing along to myself till i drop off ☺

https://youtu.be/C4cmJ7QqBMI

Peace out

Hi Sandra , thanks hun but no apology necessary , I' really didn't take any offence and found it quite funny to be honest , so all's good .

Take care of yourself and keep doing what works eh ! xx

Hi S , What a lovely post and thank you so much for the compliments . We have had our spats but I'm just as guilty for overeacting sometimes and thats something I'm trying very hard to address but all water under the bridge now eh ! , I guess were all full of uncontrolable emotions at times , probably due to bottling them all up for so many years ? and it takes a while for things to calm down a bit .

I've got a lot of respect for to my darling , because whatever life throws at you , you keep fighting hard to get the place you want to be , you never give up and that's the important thing dealing with our addictions.

Never give in S and stay true to what you seek !!.

Talk with ya soon and have a great day xx

Hi Sandra thanks for your posts.

Sorry to hear about your relaspe, something i can relate too.

One thing i 've heard a lot here is 'never give up on giving up'. There is so much help out there, and so many people that recover, and i honestly think we both can conquer our demons. Try and stay positive, and dont get ahead of youselve, a day at a time will suffice.

Hi S, thanks for dropping by my diary, I was just having a bad day but all good today and feeling much happier, thank you.

I haven't read your diary but I hope your doing ok 🙂

Hey lovely, thanks for the slap and the hug:) Think I needed both and it's good to have your support. I'm not beating myself up...just trying to be really honest about how I feel and at the moment I guess I'm not feeling too good. Just get a bit sick of going around the same circles. But I am learning and there have been changes. I re-read my diary from the start and I have come a long way, even if it doesn't always seem like it. I don't feel like the person who wrote that first diary entry. I've def got more clarity and this afternoon...now that the tears have dried...I am starting to get some perspective. Like you, I'm still here. Still trying and not giving up on giving up. That has to be good enough for today.

Don't be too upset with Seuso. She may be tough on you, but even prickly cacti can have pretty flowers on them if you get the right one. She's being soft on me now, but I'm pretty sure she'll batter me round the head with her clogs if I keep making the same mistakes :):)

Bah...edit ☺

Rooms tonight so i get some clarity in this head.

Peace out

S x

Hi Sis,

Look out.. Hug coming your way. Keep on keeping it real girl. I and sooo many others luv ya just the way you are. And, I found myself relating to everything you said about recovery. The road is long and sometimes painful but so so worth it eh? What's the alternative? Shame. Self punishment. We don't deserve that. Thank you for always being there and unconditionally. It means a lot!! ((((((S))))))

Wha?????? Edit??

Want to thank you for your email...I will reply, but I'm soooo slow. Not going to beat myself up about though 🙂

I didn't see your post but if Joan thinks you need a hug then I'll send you one too ((((S))))

I don't know what's going on but I'm trusting you'll be ok. Let it all out in the room xx

I meant to dig this out and send it you the other day but it slipped my mind so better late than never.

The Rope

Gambling sure had a grip on me.And I wanted to be gambling free. But giving up was really hard. As I felt scared and confused

my whole life was out of control. And I fell down a gambling hole.I stooped to a rock bottom low. How to cope? I didn't know

from the hole I had to get out. But doing that I had my doubt. I'd tried to do it on my own. But in the darkness I felt alone

i decided to go and attend GA. As I was in a desperate way. I needed to learn how to cope. Going to GA was my only hope

in a terrible state I went to GA. I really didn't have much to say.I mainly listened to others there. Sitting nervously in my chair.

GA for me was my last resort. I really needed a lot of support. Other members helped me a lot. Support and wisdom I got.

One thing freely given to me. Was hope for my recovery. Hope that I too could be. Like others gamble free.

it felt like a rope was there. Just dangling in the air. I could grab onto it or not. Or in the hole I could stay and rot.

I chose to reach out for it. At first I really felt like shi t. I had to hold on for dear life. To let go I'd have strife.

The rope was a mighty length And I didn't have much strength. I could see a rock bottom below. And stupidly I let go.

I tried to learn from my mistake And the rope again I did take. My higher power helped me. With the rope and my recovery.

For me the rope is a lifeline. Holding onto it now feels fine. There's a supportive GA friend. At the ropes other end

credit Michelle(Manchester). New life magazine GA.