...

Sorry it's not copied and pasted very well.

Hey S , thanks for the drop bye , I guess a Ladder might be a good idea for our journey's , we could maybe see whats ahead a bit easier as well as going up in the world ? .

Sorry for the bad jokes , I'm running out :)).

Keep safe and keep positive Honey

AL xx

Thank you so much all ☺..really appreciated

Dear diary,

Well, i shall try again and not delete my thoughts!
Very turbulent last couple of weeks, i suppose my slips was a lot to do with it too. Many thoughts, bad dreams, anger, trying to hold on on 3D life also (work/home). Had few slips with alcohol in the process also. Last gambled about 9 days ago..it's surreal cause i found myself on god knows what site stuffing euros in the machine!?..jeezzz..that's just shocking desperation for an escape.

Anyway, all the recent posts on here made me look at myself once more. It wasn't easy and i questioned why i become what i become. Briefly started blaming recovery for the open wounds i had to deal with...and still feel the ripples now as a result..also my anger... 🙁

I went back to my room yesterday. Felt very ashamed indeed. ..but i was welcomed back with open arms ☺ it felt really soothing and i want more of that feeling - peace,calm, clarity. I guess i can get it if i keep going back! Simples huh ☺..hope is something i feel very strong now.

I looked through my diary yesterday...all bk to 2014..such a saddo huh lol..i have always been up & down and that's quite ok! It actually is because that's what i am! I'm not perfect, i may have more negativity than positivity but that is work in progress, i will work towards my goals and am sure i will be harping on different tunes then ☺
I need recovery, i need this forum, i needed my counselling and i need my rooms! It gives me an opportunity to forgive myself and others, to be stronger and accept myself for who i am ☺
I also spoke to Sesuo a lot yesterday..o*g, such a relief! It's such a great feeling being able to be myself (not taken over by mr G or mr A) and say what i want to say and mean to say. THANK YOU!
As i said last two weeks were a lil wobbly. Am not expecting miracles going forward but i truly know what needs doing so i can get better ☺.
Yesterday we touched the subject of my past. It hurt as hell but what it also made me to understand - there is two ways to look at it! I can have countless conversations with myself about it but the outcome is the same cause it's my own thoughts - sharing it, lets me look at it all from different angle!

I am rambling but let it be ☺...all I'm trying to say...please keep talking about good & bad, don't stuff all emotions in..they will only explode in time and hurt you more than ever. Take some therapy in, talk to your loved ones, post it on here, get counselling, walk in the rooms...none of us are alone and don't have to be alone! There are many people out there who went through this, who understands and who is willing to help. As long as you're sharing you're halving the problem for sure.

Soo..today i rang Mummy too. She is v poorly again. It really hurt to hear her suffering :-(...but i shall see her soon and try my best to support her and shower her with unconditional love i have!
Dad is waiting for another tests...bless my lovely hero. He is and always be my rock! Can't wait to see him.
Sister is doing my head in! Lol lol lol..that ended my uplifting post huh lol..bless her...i wish she could look at things as they are for once!

All is good..lovely run complete & dinner in the oven! What else could i ask for! Deffo not for a bet or a glass :-P..not today, today i chose recovery, open mind, honesty and most importantly - life!

Take care all

S x

Keep choosing recovery addiction has has no benefit apart from a short term fix. Climb that rope.

KTF

Hi S , thanks for the drop bye Hun and the link , it still makes me smile whenever I see it .

I hope your stormy rough seas become calm and still, so you can continue sailing smoothly accross life's vast ocean .

Sweet dreams S xx

Thank you ☺

Waters been a little stormy lol...but i am sailing through them for sure. Just one of them days i suppose..brain going riot and didn't know what to do with myself. No motivation. I get these days but learning to accept them too. I very nearly slipped by opening an account but by some force i quickly self excluded. Deluded thinking for sure :-/..i can just go by this month financially and still, i don't think of consequences gambling kindly dishes me out. Bah..who wants that horrible feeling? Sleepless nights, beating yourself up, having sickening feeling in your stomach and loosing the hope of tommorow. No..nobody wants that feeling so why the pull is still there?. Ok..if i won, i would of put all bk in plus more. There is some logic there, but it doesn't seem to work in the middle of the storm huh. Boredom is all what got me into thinking bull.

Thankfully i found the common sense before i hit the s*it pan...today i may walked out as a winner but i know that other days might be different story, that's why i know i need blocks. At least get my card away from me.

Ok, that's outta my system and feel better ☺.
Enjoying a cuppa, keeping my pennies and looking (not) forward to work tommorow :-D..i think i beat myself up for wasting my weekends off away. That's a thought and i know i need to do something about it. Next weekend off is two weeks away and I'm determined to plan something ahead so i don't end up having these thoughts again!
Gym is something i start considering a lot, maybe worth putting some actions towards these thoughts.

So that's me diary ☺

Another year passed by & as my yearly ritual i shall keep it today too:
Happy birthday Dad!
" i fell to the ground but you lifted me up;
Comforting and saying i should never give up.
You gave me the strength, assurance and hope
Which i will be forever greatful for.
I wanted to thank you for being best Dad
For the love, understanding, wisdom you have.
Another year older and still going strong
I love you to pieces my Hero in this world!".

Piece out :-))))

No gambling, happy thoughts ☺

Hi ya... thanks for your recent support. It means alot.

Ive read your thoughts and I hear what you say. We don't need the consequences of gambling anymore and the only way to do that is to stay stopped. Your doing mighty fine.

Thanks again... S.A 🙂

Hi S

I'm not on here much these days but I wanted to stop by and read a few of your recent posts. Sounds like you are doing fantastically. Just love yourself and do your best. It is enough and you will get there sooner or later I am certain. You are more than capable.

Please don't underestimaTe the strain of being separated from your loved ones. A chat on Skype is no substitute for real life hugs so be very proud of your achievements without this important comfort.

f x

Hi, Sandra,

Thanks v much for the post and the good wishes.

I had wondered what "meetings in progress" meant and I'm so glad to hear that you were there whilst they were in progress. You had the guts to pick yourself up and go back, all credit to you.

It's been almost a year for us, looking back, we've come a long way. I hope we continue to move forward but not all is within my control, sadly!!! Holidays are on the agenda this summer, we just couldn't have faced it last year. Exam stress is just exam stress, they finish this week, my elder daughter and I only had one meltdown so not too bad.

Look after yourself and keep your thinking well perfumed.

CW

Good aft diary ☺

Sooo...our Dan got me thinking ...again lol..(i love your thought provoking posts!)

I have been on this site for 3 years..not on and off..I've been here every single day in my journey.. has much progress been made? Depends on how you look at it. I have progressed in myself a lot. I went from shy, completely lost person, broken financially & mentally ...to more confident (boo..too much sometimes as you know from my stints on here). I tried many different approaches to "save" me. Can i say they worked?..not really because my heart wasn't fully in them. I was expecting quick fix which fair enough worked for periods of time...till i turned back to my comfort blankets if something wasnt up to my expectations from myself. I still see this site as my saviour. I had many slips and self beatings as a result but i am in 100% better position financially, emotionally, spiritually.

I haven't changed as a person and that's ok. I did try...for others..that didn't work because i just put mask on...my inner self was protesting too hard and i always end up at square one and worse place when i started off.

Forever is very long time. Even looking two years ahead is too far for me..not if i don't want to see myself all smilie and content with life then. It will require a lot more time than that and i accept that.

However..i am finding myself in fear now..i am absolutely scared of the feelings i have.. - normality! Daft or what? I am scared of my own peace and harmony and positive thinking, the good days i have where i don't overthink and just go with a flow as everyone around me is. Why this scaring me?..because it's new feeling! It's zone i hardly touched in my life...i start making changes around myself and after million empty words and tries i am slowly committing to them now...I'm scared...still scared of them changes. It's like you don't know what's going on with you but deep inside you are very aware it's for the better.
Drink was/is as big issue as gambling. Did i ever address it? Did i f**k! I didn't see it as another comfort blaked, self sabotage and escape route..i was on top of the world for not gambling for periods of time and thought that was my main issue...how wrong was i?!... i let my own hand kill me ...slow and painful death...emotionally.

Now... i am entering new phase in my life. Something very big and new for me. Confidence growing within me and i don't see certain situations as scary as before...am i getting cured? I truly don't think so..all i notice is clarity outweighing confusing/ lost thoughts..i am only seeing situations in different light and dealing with my reactions to them differetly.
I have spent around 5 years being locked up. In my own house, in my own cage where i thought i am protecting myself from the nasty outside world...why nasty? Because in my head that was outweighing good and challenging, peace bringing experiences...in my eyes it was life for others and not "this freak"..i was scared of judgement and not fulfilling other's expectations..i thought I'm better off staying low so nobody has to deal with this confused mind...so i stop hurting others with the way i see life.
Last couple of months i pushed myself to dig deeper. Address my other vices i never thought has something to do with my poor wellbeing...turns out, they did more damage to my thinking than i ever expected.
Life is not full of roses now..i still dread work because I'm not happy in there. Why I'm not happy? Putting unsociable hours aside, it has always been my "let out" place..the only place to get my frustrations, self pitty, "control" out. The only place i feel in control and the only place where i tighten my own "chains" so i feel secure.

This post is getting more confusing now lol...i am not sure what I'm trying to spit out. Maybe cause i need change in that sector also but that will come in time. I need to be a little bit more stronger for such challenge, i am not there yet...but hey, i have job with pretty decent income ☺..i shall take it while i build my bridge for the future.

What has changed in me now I've given up drinking and entered my rooms. I feel more peaceful and calm. I go out and socialise through my vollunteering..that little piece of hope i had in my heart is spreading so quickly now..i am doing what makes me complete! Truly does and how much i get out of this experience is priceless! I am happy ☺..i am f*****g happy haha! How about that! Sh*it scared of this emotion but dear diary - i am f*****g happy! Just for now..for today...
There are many other things i would like to do and see but if i keep putting these steps i started not so long ago, i will get there. I'm not putting thoughts in my head about acceptance..ya know, you have to accept yourself for who you are first, so others start seeing that too. Only people i keep dear to me can manage to go through all this with me. I am thankful for them! I dont need reassurance from them souls, i just know that they're genuine and that's what matters the most.

One person who very gently made me ask myself about my other vices, guided me onto the path i am now.
Wasn't easy..some kicking, blaming, shouting , f***f"ing was coming out from my side until i finally accepted that is being said. Cannot be more thankful!

It's scary, it's new & maybe it took me 3 years to find what is working so i can be a better person for myself...that's ok...i shall take it. We all walk at different pace and just maybe all those slips, self beatings, confusion, anger, resentment, loneliness was needed for my journey so i can find the way working for me.

This forum has saved me. Gentle pats on the back and care is what i needed. Tough love and kicks is what was necessary to get me thinking. the good, bad and the ugly has made me to look ahead and not give up if one or another route didn't work...there is always a way which works, just a matter of finding it. There is no time limit on it...all in your own time.

I thank this forum and my friends..everyone on here played a part of me being in this mindset today..priceless.

My road ahead will not be perfect (i don't have too big expectations lol) but i take what i have now...& i have so much to look forward to! I feel better within myself...strange feeling, scary emotions but that's where i need to accept that my life don't have to be all missery and shutting down...i can live life and give a lot away in the process, and the only way forward is to do what i do now..take it one day at a time, deal with the surroundings the way they are, accept life for what it is, keep exploring the unknown, be true to myself, keep walking in the rooms, keep making the right choice...because this is my life and i know d**n too well where i can end up if i let the devils back in..it's my choice and the choice i am taking today I'm proud of!

I'm crying now but that's ok! I'm crying because i am keeping hold of hope and by my own work i will get there...it is possible if you commit and believe in yourself.

I'm not very big reader on here these days....saying that, that's all i do when i have spare minute but progress being made because i start getting my priorities right and live my imperfect life full of opportunity i have always failed to see.

I am not gambling nor drinking today, and once again - i am happy to be in my own skin. May long it continues! Just need to keep working at what is helping me to stay in this mindset.

Thank you for reading!

One day at a time - it will get me to my future ☺

S x

d**n..what a ramble :-/..please make sure that you have tea and biscuits ready if you set out for a challenge to read it all 😀

Peace to all

S x

I did read it all (2 cups of coffee) and it was well worth it. You keep taking the next "right" step Sandra... you will definitely get to that elusive "there" :). Have a wonderful , peaceful Friday!

Hey S , Lovely post but Damm girl , you take scrolling down to a different level :)).

I get the whole scared of being normall thing , that's why I think the one day at a time works for some of us , you don't want nor need to start staring at a future you don't recognise , it can be a bit scary even witnessing something good coming at ya and how could we recognise something so alien to ourselves after living in denial for so many years ? .

Sometimes , one minute , one hour or one day works just fine .

And by the way , It's ok to shed happy tears :))

Stay safe honey and catch you soon xx

Hi Sis,

I guess I'm too busy giving my own diary a work out today. Stopped by to give you a hug and a smile. ((((S)))) 😀

Knocking it out of the park girl x