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Thanks Tri & Ryan ☺

Diary,

Wanted to write last night but had a relaxing eve chatting to sister so decided to leave thoughts for the night.

I have always kept our relationship at arms length but the more i talk the more i see how much i appreciate her being here. Not perfect at all, but trying and not giving up on her dreams. I actually encouraged and adviced her to keep moving on with her career and life. She definitely has a lot of potential, same as me.
I got a lil sad also, because my overriding mind puts foot in my own way and i get low & depressed. I actually notice the worry my folks has for me, same as my Sis. It's like I'm slipping in oblivion with no breaks. I know i need to make my mind up, gather my strength and go for a change. The life i live now gives me a lil purpose, I'm tired which gives me anger. If i want i can turn things around. That's all what it takes, just to find the motivation and bravery to keep trying something new.

Addiction(s) has & still playing big part in my poor wellbeing. I can only be thankful for stopping when i did and realising that running away or constantly looking for the excuses to beat myself up is not helping me one bit.

Very simple words, actions and care has opened my eyes recently. I am the responsible person of my own future. Outside factors and friends surrounding me has huge impact on my life also...always had. It's good to have a listening ear & a word or two coming out from other mind. It opens more understanding and hidden opportunities we tend to miss sitting with our thoughts only.

I just wanted to say how much i appreciate and love my sister. How much i care about her and how i wish i could help her to find her way in better future also. I can only support her and be a better person going forward. The fear she has today just showed how sensitive she is too 🙁
My strong rock who knows the best..huh...yup..not so much. She is a human being having difficulties in life but meeting them head on. Yes, maybe not by the book and maybe making mistakes also but she never gives up..my brave soul.

Today i am scared of the upcoming operation she must have just a day b4 we jet off to second home. Nothing i can change, only be there and support her because that's what sister's does..in body & mind.

Love ya & standing beside ya - all the way!

Right, not much about addiction but happy to report - no gambling to shield emotions i might have.

S x

Your honesty on here is so refreshing. thanks for the share also on my diary. It means a lot. Tri x

Hi diary,

Well, bk home after the holiday and straight away bk to my old mindset. Saying that, it wasn't very different while i was away, i just simply didn't have time to think or over analyse my thoughts. I felt more relaxed and a lot better person...for others.
Found connection with sister which is truly nice person but can be a lil tirening in a long haul. She is always on the go & i admire her strength & drive to keep moving. I had my peaceful time while running on the beach in the mornings..it was priceless!
Parents are ok... or so they tried to come accross. They are indeed worried about me and the hours i do. Since Dad is working in a mental health field, he knew straight away that i am not exactly the girl he waved goodbye 10yrs ago. I have changed and recent 3 years doing nights near enough finished me off. He asked me to keep an eye on myself and make sure i get sleep..in his words "you don't want to get overtired and if time comes for psychiatrist cause of the same, you're thrn v poorly and sick". Ha!! If only he knew..I've seen counsellor, been on happy pills on off 2 years, tried to get control of my alcoholism and all that stuff which he is not aware at all. Not saying it's cause of the job i do, saying - it has played big part here because i failed to find the balance work-home.
Now I'm bk, i am not sure what next. My Sister noticed my lil shift in myself as soon as we landed :-/.. she says I'm better off bk home..i start thinking that also...the thing is "home" doesn't feel home anymore. Here is more like home but still not quite. So what next? Not here, not there...where? What to do?..finding it hard once again and no matter how many times trying to run away, i simply cant. V posted very related thought: "finding the balance & a place i can call home". Truly hit me.

Urges are getting stronger. Yet, something holds me back,..just don't know how long for. Kind of f**k it feeling again. It usually comes when i give up on myself. Am i giving up on myself? I hope not. I went through hell in my life, only need to keep walking..

Another issue. I had a anger outburst on Saturday. It kept me shaken uptil yesterday. Didn't realise evil is so deep within me. I'm not the one to lash out but that moment in time i lost it completely and couldn't shake anger off. Wall took the beating..thank God...else...else the consequences would of been well bad. The trigger was my mate's kind act of rearranging my bedroom. That's fine & i like it. What i don't like is someone going over my stuff (which you have in order to move stuff around) & i couldn't find what i was looking for! Simple thing as one address...it makes me laugh now (shamefully) that i let something like that trigger me off. Room was upside down, me breathing and trying to calm down. Going over the same places hundreds of times and still not finding what I'm looking for. I snapped then..i lost control completely. It reminded me of an gambling session...complete switch off from your surroundings..madness, evil taking control....not thinking of consequences.

I now also see why people are scared of me sometimes. I cannot control my anger. How am i managing to do my vollunteering is beyond my understanding. It's simply crazy for sure.

So..that's my update. Not too cheery but here we go. Feeling under the weather also. Had to pack up at 1900 yesterday cause felt like S***e. 13hrs of sleep (or just laying not able to move so not to trigger sickness) helped a little. Still, no desire for things to do today....even if i need to please Sister with a journey or two in other town..not sure i can do it.

It's difficult to be feeling lost,..but...life goes on. Just for today.

Sorry for a downer diary & anyone who happens to read it. Just still got that one and important value - honesty...for good & bad no matter how it looks on black & white.

S x

Hi Sandra,

Thanks you for your kind words on my diary, appreciate as always.

Don't beat yourself up for having those feelings, remember you've gone from somewhere where you were feeling better and more positive, and come back to somewhere where work and life is harder and tougher. The post holiday dip is something that catches loads of people out, indeed, something that I know is one of my triggers. You can fight those urges, and keep working towards a more positive place. Giving in just takes you back on the ride down the snakes back towards the bottom.

These words particularly resonated with me: "finding the balance & a place i can call home" - as children our home is wherever our parents are, and the attraction of somewhere you are loved unconditionally and feel a deep understanding with is natural. However, I feel the same when I go back to my hometown, I often feel like I know everywhere really well, but it's not quite home anymore. Finding where you are home isn't easy, I'm still trying to find my way towards the same goal. The answer to that one....I'll let you know if I find out.

Hope your mood picks up as the week goes on, halfway to the weekend already.

xxx

Is it just cause we've exchanged far too many posts on each others' diary? You just seem to know what I think of means home...and I know your/my four legged friend has to be a dog right? (lol, maybe one stretch too far). Maybe the idea of owning my own place might be a bit of a pipedream, not in terms of actually getting there, but rather a pipedream in terms of that being the bandage that will solve the deficiencies and problems inside me. Hey, deep down, I know I have to fix the urge for self-destruction and the urge to live an exciting life before I can really find the "promised land" that lies beyond gambling. s**t, I'm almost rambling, but I know that life isn't perfect, and I for sure will never be. Anyway, two steps forward and one step back is still one step forward, so that'll have to do for now.

Please tell me to shut up, or I'll keep typing all day. xxx

Anger is always there within us for a good reason and has nothing to do with our true selves. I struggle to accept my own anger sometimes and can relate. When I get angry I have panic attacks because I feel it is not OK and something to be ashamed of.

I'm afraid of other people's anger but I think only because I'm afraid this will trigger my own. I don't want to have this anger inside of me but I do. A Buddhist monk taught me that anger is rooted in fear. I completely agree.

Think about it - wouldn't you say people are generally a lot more angry and frustrated than they were 20, 30 years ago? What has changed? Nature and quality of work. From permanent, stable positions, to zero hour, fixed-term contracts. If you get sick you're out, if you're not fast enough you're out. Much more survival of the fittest. It is scary indeed. Cost of living has increased while wages didn't. Of course we're scared and angry!

You are a beautiful person inside, Sandra. No doubt about that. It is OK to have this darker side, we can learn to channel it safely - as you say, punch the wall not the person! It's a release.

I'm glad you feel you can let your mask drop in here. It is tiring wearing it in the outside world. From one who knows 🙂

f x

freda wrote:

Anger is always there within us for a good reason and has nothing to do with our true selves. I struggle to accept my own anger sometimes and can relate. When I get angry I have panic attacks because I feel it is not OK and something to be ashamed of.

I'm afraid of other people's anger but I think only because I'm afraid this will trigger my own. I don't want to have this anger inside of me but I do. A Buddhist monk taught me that anger is rooted in fear. I completely agree.

Think about it - wouldn't you say people are generally a lot more angry and frustrated than they were 20, 30 years ago? What has changed? Nature and quality of work. From permanent, stable positions, to zero hour, fixed-term contracts. If you get sick you're out, if you're not fast enough you're out. Much more survival of the fittest. It is scary indeed. Cost of living has increased while wages didn't. Of course we're scared and angry!

You are a beautiful person inside, Sandra. No doubt about that. It is OK to have this darker side, we can learn to channel it safely - as you say, punch the wall not the person! It's a release.

I'm glad you feel you can let your mask drop in here. It is tiring wearing it in the outside world. From one who knows 🙂

f x

Yes many things to worry about in this world f,

and I do, but I also try and remind myself of the positives in life but its hard sometimes

Yes, Triangle, we must always remember the positives too!

Just reread your post, Sandra. I'm so sorry you feel like your anger is evil. That's a really strong word and label to put on yourself. I can relate to a certain extent. The feeling that my anger might not be OK with people, might not be tolerated. I don't think it's evil, though. I just get built up with frustration sometimes. Is frustration evil? I don't think it is. It's suffering. It's pain.

I'm interested to know what your mate made of it? We are often way harder on ourselves than others are.

f x

Hope you're doing well and still facing your challenges head on this weekend. Keep up the good work, and the positive aspects will come. We are the only creatures in the world to have been given the capacity for self-doubt .... I'm not sure if this is a positive or a negative aspect of evolution.

Anyhow, hope you have a nice weekend!

xxx

Good morning diary,

Well, what a miracle can sleep be! Over 15hrs in a land of nod finally freed my mind from constant speeding down the highway. Forgot how it feels to wake up calm and rested...but i do now! & loving it.

Soooo..it's been a week (or two) since i am bk from holiday and my life has turned upside down since. Maybe you're right (Rachel), maybe i need to put my thoughts and worries down on here, it's my safe place after all...my lovely Sesuo is by my side and i am more than greatful standing in her army, yet sometimes i feel very lonely with my thoughts.
Errrr..ok...i have changed jobs which means i am working my notice and no more 12hrs crueling night shifts are on horizon..this is really good stuff for me! More worrying stuff is - it's in another town & that means i will be relocating also....that means...constant search of new places & just maybe trying mortgage out...that however means - load of worries, panic attacks, tears, to-fro uncertainties if I'm making the right choice :-(. I have always found decisions difficult. However my life has come to the point where changes are necessary & changes means making decisions.
The paycut i chose for the new place seen a lot of eyebrows raising at my current place. " people looks for new jobs cause of pay rise right?"..However the ones who knows me, sees me in flesh and understand where my mind was going to for a last year (detoriating) - shouts out to get away and put myself first. I agree! Money is not everything, my health is so much more important...Having Dad on the phone in tears for me cause i finally made that step to change my current circumstances has only pushed me to stick to my plan.
However money has and is playing on my mind daily now. Simply about meeting the ends. It's like a calculator in front of me with all the expenses and stuff i have to pay out, survive & just maybe b able to save still.
Mr G paid a vist few times..not to ask to come out & play but to remind me that he is still here, that i willingly paid him my future away few good years ago...
I can only agree, i did play with fire & dished out part of my deposit towards my new place in his pocket..but i also aknowledge that i wouldn't be here, sitting & counting my pennies for that ohhhh so unreal dream which coming together if i didn't accept the defeat, chose life and found GC to start my healing. My recovery wasn't and is not perfect, but I'm willing to take it with me to my new beginnings and carry on on this path, simply because progress is taking place...very slow, but i can see the results of it. I shall take it & be greatful for this opportunity to set myself free , set my mind free and lay another brick on my road to living.

I guess that's my update. Few regrets, but without them i wouldn't learn my lessons.

Thank you GC for this platform..thank you for all the support i have received, for all the stories i read and for the hope i get from these pages.

Just for today i choose life!

S x

Hi Sandra,

That is good to hear - you are absolutely right about there being more to life than money, and sometimes a paycut for better working conditions is not a bad thing. You might have gambled away a little, but you are now grasping a much better future for yourself, and taking it back. It is natural to be anxious about such steps, everybody gets stressed when it comes to moving house and changing jobs, just make sure that you deal with it in a way that doesn't involve gambling.

I'm so happy that you are moving on to what will be a better place with a better work/life balance for you, and all of the advantages that you can take from that.

xxx

Good luck with the move. And I'll take the words I accept defeat to gambling and choose life to help me recover. Best wishes

Thank you all

Dear diary,

Mind is running riot today. Fear of upcoming events me things, changes and so on.
Feeling of loneliness is what scares me the most. New town, new job, new faces....no familiar comfort having Sister near by or a friend to talk to.
Also am aware that these changes are not gonna "fix" me. I seem to do everything to change my situation so i feel a little better within myself but knowing that it's probably not what i need to get better is quite daunting.
Am scared of sitting there by myself...knowing that things can turn either way...me with a glass and laptop in my hand, or me and embraced new life with friends, four legged companion and final peace. Both of these are possible, but i don't know which one will turn out to be.

Having urges recently, hence my activity on here. I don't really read a lot but just recently i keep coming back. Maybe i feel i need more support...supporting others has always helped. It's strange feeling, because just last week i had no thoughts of gambling & to be honest hardly logged on here nearly forgetting the challenge too...felt normal? That's strange because i need to keep this site close by..it's a reminder of reality - i am and will always be an addict. Feel so strange it's so nerve wrecking....fear of losing control is taking over. Gambling would f**k me up completely, i know that.

It is what it is. I cannot run from myself anymore. Part of the job is done. Past is becoming just the past with less flashbacks. Maybe I'm starting to forgive myself and am looking at here and now....tommorow....well, tommorow will still be here.

Ok..time to go dear diary.

No gambling today...I'm not even sure if it's gambling i want...i guess i just want to.... "not to feel"...again.

S x

Hi S , Don't be afraid of change honey , different people different location but still the same activities, Gym's, running areas and voluntry work to do if you so wish ? , our addiction travels with us wherever we lay our Hat but your controling yours just fine S .

It's been a pleasure reading your posts of late , you sound so much more positive in your outlook but the biggest thing is that you sound genuinely happy :))

Keep on moving forward and embrace the change .

Best wishes Alan x

hopeful soul wrote: Thank you all Dear diary, Mind is running riot today. Fear of upcoming events me things, changes and so on. Feeling of loneliness is what scares me the most. New town, new job, new faces....no familiar comfort having Sister near by or a friend to talk to. Also am aware that these changes are not gonna "fix" me. I seem to do everything to change my situation so i feel a little better within myself but knowing that it's probably not what i need to get better is quite daunting. Am scared of sitting there by myself...knowing that things can turn either way...me with a glass and laptop in my hand, or me and embraced new life with friends, four legged companion and final peace. Both of these are possible, but i don't know which one will turn out to be. Having urges recently, hence my activity on here. I don't really read a lot but just recently i keep coming back. Maybe i feel i need more support...supporting others has always helped. It's strange feeling, because just last week i had no thoughts of gambling & to be honest hardly logged on here nearly forgetting the challenge too...felt normal? That's strange because i need to keep this site close by..it's a reminder of reality - i am and will always be an addict. Feel so strange it's so nerve wrecking....fear of losing control is taking over. Gambling would f**k me up completely, i know that. It is what it is. I cannot run from myself anymore. Part of the job is done. Past is becoming just the past with less flashbacks. Maybe I'm starting to forgive myself and am looking at here and now....tommorow....well, tommorow will still be here. Ok..time to go dear diary. No gambling today...I'm not even sure if it's gambling i want...i guess i just want to.... "not to feel"...again. S x

Nice post hon, thanks for the share on my diary, cheers tri